These are two beautiful girls I went to school with singing a batshit crazy song as Cathy and Vivi. I love this more than anything.
DMM Season 1, Episode 6 Recap
Good morning everyone! Is anyone else having a lot of headaches lately? Maybe it’s from the humidity. Or maybe I just haven’t had any coffee yet and I’m freaking out. I hate being addicted to something!!!
Victor is so supportive. He tells the girls he thought they were fantastic last week. SEE! This is what I’m talking about! Finally we see some SUPPORT on this damn show. Then, of course, Angel crushes it all to shreds like the Kool-Aid man.
Lucas is at the top of the list! Adorable. Kimmsies is second. Jessi is third and oh, god, i don’t want to mess with that girl. She’s pissed. Sammy is fourth and Hannah is at the bottom. Aww poor girl. I love you. MEN need to be cool with women crying! It’s nbd! We all need to be better criers!
Victor announces that Jessi, Hannah, and Sammi will be doing a trio together and Jessi’s Mom, Moe, storms out of the room. I feel like that family is full of sleeping dragons
.
Wait, did Sammi just call Hannah, “Anna”? OMG STOP! SHE TOTALLY DID! She doesn’t even know homegirl’s name. This show is such a fucking sham!
The group number is twisted circus. So fucked up. GIF REQUEST: Angel brooding, his brow furrowed, watching his tiny little dancers. That guy is such a fucking storm cloud, ya’ll.
Oh god, so Abby starts again on June 5. Is Miami still going to be going on? I don’t think I can handle two season at once!
They brought a carny from a trailer park in to help them become clowns! Why didn’t they ask Moe and her two brothers to help out?!?
Victor claims he was being “fierce” when really I was nervous for him! Get off that hoop, and please teach these girls! Whatever, at least he’s trying it!
Maureen (Kimmy) is pumped to have a contemporary routine that’s going to help her “let go”. Girl needs more than a dance to help that OCD, dance is the reason she’s insane to begin with!
Hannah, Jessi, and Sammi are in a trio. Ok. I’m just going to throw this idea out there: Puerto Rican Destiny’s Child. No? Ok, just thought I would try.
Hannah is rocking a smoldering smokey eye, girl you look good, but YOU’RE TOO LITTLE!
Anyways, what is it with all of these teachers trying to turn their dancers against each other? Are there any lessons in teamwork on any of these shows??
Moe’s makeup is OOC (out of control)! That bitch must spackle makeup on her face with a spatula every morning.
Hannah (poor baby!) starts crying because she can hear the moms talking shit about her. What the heck?! These moms SUCK. Victor, I love you, smart idea bringing the dancers outside. Remember when you were younger and the cool teachers were always like “let’s do class outside today.” And it was the best thing ever! Once we went outside for biology and I tried to seduce this loser in my class because he was always staring at me, and clearly he had a crush on me. Well, turns out he didn’t, he just had a lazy eye :(
Angel just walked in with balloons. Black balloons. Could you be any more EMO? Everyone is getting props …Jessi has a whip?!
You guys. Clowns. I really hope we don’t see any clowns.
I’m sorry but Moe really needs less screen time, her face is making my teeth hurt.
Lucas has a new guy Ricky. They are in love. I think Angel and Victor might be getting a little jealous…
So when is Lucas going to do anything different than his beautiful extensions? I need to see something more Lucas! Bring your artist out!
Wait, Lucas is confiding in Victor that people are calling him gay at school. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHOW TURNING INTO?! The producers clearly had Lucas do this. Justice from Candy Apple’s was never called gay! Probably because he lived in the shade of Tommy’s Jerky. That’s what they’re calling it these days.
Oh dear. Also, Victor in his suspenders is adorable.
Lucas’s Solo
Lucas is up first with his contemporary solo about getting hurt and he’s going to “show the audience what an artist really is.” I love you Lucas but you’re getting cocky as f*$k.You’re getting kind of Biebery.
Is he ever going to do a dance where he doesn’t just hold extensions? When are we going to see him jump?! Oh wait, that leap was beautiful. Shit, Lucas I love you!
Kimmy’s Solo
Great costume girl! She needs to learn how to move her head though, from the shoulders up she is so stiff! Also, her choreography is eerily similar to Lucas’s … Her arabesques are beautiful. Kimmy needs to go to a professional ballet school and get out of this circus school. They keep wanting to push Kimmy to show her true colors, what they don’t realize is that Kimmy’s true colors are as a ballerina with discipline!
Moe Drama
What is with her? Shut up Moe. Also, lose the crop top! Why doesn’t she ever stop crying! You are messing Jessi up!! Moe is crazy. Is she going through menopause or on lots of pills? There has to be some reason that this woman literally cries about everything. Sue: maybe she’s just going through something
Trio!
Costumes are … ok. Beginning poses are badass. These girls are fierce! This dance is kind of amazing. The choreography really pinpointed each dancer’s strengths! Nicely done!
AWARDS?
Kimmy got 5th place. Oh no, what’s she gonna do when she goes home? Cut herself?
Lucas got 1st place. What else is new?
Trio got 2nd place. I think they deserved first! Looks like Moe and I agree on something!
Insane Clown Posse
Jessi’s costume is badass. Lucas looks like a gay baker from France. Sorry, but it’s true. This music is the same song from the beginning of “Beauty And The Beast” omg when they show the stained glass story! I love that movie so much!
Anyways, something terrible happened during the dance I guess.
AND THEY GOT FIRST PLACE! Fairy tale ending!
Lucas does the robot, and Jessi drops it like it’s hot. GIF REQUEST!!!
Ugh Lucas stop acting so gay and tattletaling on everyone.
I give this episode 2 out of 5 margaritas. Snoozefest!
WE MISS PITTSBURGH!
Hello Dance Moms readers! So before our recap tonight just wanted to post the teaser for the web series Anna has been working on, and you can even spot Sue in the season finale!
Watch “The Kindly Midwesterner” and learn just how cray cray the ladies in charge of this blog are!
Episode 1 Episode 2 Episode 3 (with Sue!)
And stay tuned tonight for another Dance Moms Miami!
is it just me or does it seem the last episode of season 2 wasn't supposed to be the end? i wanted to know the outcome of abby's psycho outburst! im in england so i can only see the episodes other people put online :( maybe if there was an episode afterwards i missed it. will there be a season 3, and when?
Oh no! What about itunes? Can you buy it through there?
Season 3 starts in June!
Does Lucas have a swear word on his shirt?
The List
Flashbacks of the bondage dance! Ahh!
Top of the list: Jessi! Finally! Now Moe, her mother, won’t cry. Who are we kidding, of course she’s going to find a way to get a good sob in.
No. 2 is Kimmy. Oh god. Is No. 2 good enough for Maureen? From Center Stage…
No. 3 is Lucas. Ok.
No. 4 is Hannah. I love that tub of Marshmallow Fluff with all my heart.
No. 5 is Sammy.
Please keep saying CORE OGGG RAPHY! I love it.
They are worried that Orlando might think they’re too provocative?! Oh me oh my! I mean, a place that still finds humor in throwing pies at people’s faces might not know what to do with a gaggle of scantily clad Latinas.
You guys. Hannah has a legit lisp. She is my favorite. LOVE HER.
These cholo mommas need to chill out with the lip liner!
Survivor Dance.
I really hope it’s to “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child. Why did those girls ever break up? Can there please be another good girl group soon? I mean, Danity Kane? GROSS. What was that bullshit? Also, is anyone watching Celebrity Apprentice? I think Aubrey O’Day is going to win and that’s just unfortunate because she makes such poor fashion choices.
Ok, they all chose animals, and Lucas said he’s a bird because “I want to fly.” STFU Lucas. Too cute! Producers told him to say that!
I love it when they make Lucas do his extensions. They are truly beautiful. Like, how does that child have a penis? I thought penises prevent groin flexibility? Do I know what I’m talking about? No.
Lucas’s mom, Bridget, is totally shit starter though. I don’t give a crap about ANY of these moms and their drama. I just want to see Kimmy do some OCD shit! And Lucas look fierce. And Hannah say something with a lisp. Oh god. Are we getting attached to this cast? WE ARE FINALLY STARTING TO LOVE THE GIRLS AND BOY IN MIAMI! I miss the braids from Pittsburgh though. RIP fun hair!
Angel, stop trying to create romance between these two children. Yo, does Kimmy look drugged to you? Bitch don’t sleep! Look at those glassy eyes! I bet she’s on Pro Pro. (That’s what I call Prozac now.) I love that Sue. I love Pro Pro.
Hannah, you shouldn’t be on a diet! She breaks my heart. I love her so much. She’s got some meat on her bones and that’s beautiful! She’s totally gonna get with a black guy when she’s old enough. Yo, look at Kim Kardashian! She’s with Kanye! And the richest woman in America, ps. I kinda get a Kanye vibe from Lucas, btw. Just me?
This text message plot line is BORING. Show more dancers please. I would even take Moe sobbing over this.
Jessi’s Solo
She’s a fallen angel asking for forgiveness … Ugh. I love the neon though girl, and also the hair down! No bun! But this music! I feel like I’m in church. Whaaa9tttjghhhhhhhhhhh. Oops, I just fell asleep. Sue! Wake up! Moe is getting pissed!
WTF is with Jessi’s cat eye makeup? Girl you look like a stripper. OH SNAP! She just called her mom stupid! Bish sounds like me as kid. I was such a tough guy that once I got grounded for telling my mom I wasn’t going, “to shovel the fucking snow.”
Holy F*CK what is the Dance Moms preview? I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I can’t wait until June though :( LOVE that Kelly calls Abby fat. FINALLY!
Umm. WTF is with these love poems? I get that it’s an exercise and all, but seriously? Come on.
“So you think she’ll save the letter?” “Yeah, she saves everything.” KIMMY IS A HOARDER. Ten years from now, she’ll be on TLC scooping chicken carcasses outta her double wide.
God, that music again for that horrible solo!! Why is it so terrifying? Are the illuminati gonna come out and plaaaaayyyyyyy?? They need to get the music guy from Dance Moms PGH on that shit.
Oh no. We learn the truth about Moe. Everyone in her life is a professional dancer but HER. Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way, would call her a Shadow Artist.
WAIT, is this an actual thing that’s happening? THEY’RE WEIGHING EVERYONE? You are crossing some Toddlers and Tiaras kind of lines. Next thing you know, they’ll be painting them orange and dressing them like Lady Gaga. Jessi has lost 35lbs?! Is that safe?
Should I paint my nails? I just took off all the polish but maybe I’ll just leave them natch. Hmm, what colors are you choosing between, girl? Mine are currently lilac, the color is “Playdate” by Essie. Super cute! That sounds cute! Either “Lapiz of Luxury” by Essie, like light blue, or bright fuschia that I got at Ricky’s. (Note: we were talking to each other in the Google Doc on that one.)
OOH Jessi has awesome leg muscles. Nice! That was a beautiful solo actually. She dances really well. I still feel like she should be a female bodybuilder though. Not that that’s a bad thing. MOE IS CRYING.
I cannot believe these two are nine years old. When I was nine, I was playing in my backyard with an ant hill that I found, and then because I was sitting there for so long I got ants in my pants. For real, I went to the bathroom and there were ants crawling all over my shorts and underwear. And my mom just screamed at me and then made fun of me! But whatever, it was a normal childhood I guess!!!
Estoy hablando! Yo, Moe doesn’t even speak Spanish that well because Puerto Ricans talk WAY faster than that! Moe is an “el idioto”.
Do Angel and the other guy (wtf is his name? Victor!) ever hook up?Angel seems like someone who devours his prey. He’s a top right?
Hannah, don’t cry! We love you! She looks beautiful. Hannah, you’re going to rock your solo don’t worry!! Look at how beautiful of a dancer she is! I found this pic on her FB … wow do I sound like a stalker.
There’s a lot of emphasis on “improv” in this series. Let me tell you guys a thing or two about improv: IT’S HARD. It’s a craft that takes years and years to perfect. You don’t just get on a stage and do it, OKAY? Sue, relax. It’s for dance! (I LOVE YOU SUE) I’m happy that they told Hannah to improvise, Abby never told her girls that and that’s why Nia and Paige and Chlo were always Chlo-ing it.
Also, can we just say how freaking adorable Hannah is when she’s dancing? That smile! She’s a cutie patootie. Also, I LOVED that song. Remember The Hills theme song? I still listen to that like every day on my iPod. It’s so inspirational! This song is like that.
This group dance is kinda cool. Very lion king. Sue! I’m scared. Who is the drunk guy behind the camera? What is with all this quick zooming in and out? Also, Lucas just danced the rest of the dance with a headpiece on his face. This guy is a Pro Pro.
HANNAH! YES! YGG! JESSI! YOU TOO! GROUP NUMBER! YOU TOO!
I kinda want to see what that other dancers look like. What if there were an American Idol for Dance? No one steal that idea!
Wait, Moe did not like that duct tape on her mouth one bit.
This episode gets 3 out of 5 empanadas. Yum. Empanadas.
I follow a blog run by a girl who actually dances at Stars, and the high buns are a requirement for the studio.
Good to know! Thanks girl!
What’s With All The High Buns?
HIII guys! It’s me, Sue! I was out of town last week and Anna was nice enough to do the recap by herself. Let’s surprise her and get a headstart before she wakes up in the morning!
Okay, these people and their theme song are starting to grow on me. I’m getting used to them. Angel is just, he’s ruthless! He’s like a male, Latino, gay Abby.
The List
Kimmy’s on top. I’m telling you, Miami girls gotta step up their hair game. You on tv. You can’t be rockin the same old bun every week! You see the Dance Moms girls in Pittsburgh? They got a zillion ways to braid.
Ok, just woke up. Hi, Anna’s here now and eating cold cuts.
Scary emotional Jessi is third on the list. Does anyone else get a weird vibe from her? Like her hormones are going crazy and she is just on a different emotional level that the other girls? I mean. And her mother! Ugh! What are we dealing with there? I feel like Jessi has an abundance of testosterone in her system and she just needs to punch a wall or something to release! Release Jessi! Release! Omg. Jessi is like Jessie Spano. Is she going to have a caffeine pill moment meltdown??
Lucas is fourth on the list! Aww, tiny little puppy. He is the new So and So. So adorable! Except he’s also favored and the best dancer … Sue won’t admit it, but HE’S EXACTLY LIKE MADDIE MUAHAHAHAHAH
Have perfect dancing babies please!
Hannah’s on the bottom. Okay, is she really that week of a dancer or do you guys just not like her because she’s a little pudgier so you’re trying to punish her? I love Hannah’s pudge! And will all those bomb ass empanadas they got down there I don’t blame her! Seriously though, Miami has some of the best food ever.
The teachers announce they’re going to Michigan and the girls are super excited. Chill out! It’s Michigan. That’s basically like Texas with more meth and dumber accents.
Victor is really bad at talking to the camera. He’s clearly reading lines. Ugh, PLEASE YOU GUYS, just help me shake the feeling that everyone in this show was CASTED for these parts. Just TRY.
Honestly, I could listen to Angel say the word “unacceptable” all day. Unassepticle.
Basically, everyone’s getting solos. Yawn.
The theme for the group number is discipline so they are putting them in prison. Angel tells So and So #2 that his crime is tax evasion and he says, “No, that’s my mom.” Oooh girl, the mom is not happy about that one! Lucas, you’re a firecracker! I like it. When you old enough to drive?
Angel is a good choreographer and teacher because he does more movement in one segment than Abby does in a whole season of her show.
The moms are pissed about Sammi and Hannah doing a duet together. OH BOY. You know what you guys? Women like this make me scared to get older. Like, am I going to have to wear a ton of makeup? Is my metabolism going to slow down? Will I have to get a fake tan? I’m really scared because my birthday is at the end of the month and I might cry. I never thought I’d be one of those women to care about aging, BUT IT’S A REAL KILLER. Now I get what regular women are going through.
Can I just interject here for a second, Sue is a yoga teacher hottie with a body, and she’s pretty much a vegan. You are gonna be MILF SUE SMITH! Girl, if anyone’s gonna look like those women it’s this bitch right here munching on cold cuts. Oh, god I totally forgot I bought snack packs the other night when I was drunk. Success! I am a child.
Why is everyone on this show loaded? Sammi and her mom, Abby (haha) live an hour away in a bomb-ass house. How do people afford this shit? Same with Pittsburgh. You know what? When I was a kid we were so poor I had to choose between ballet or jazz because my mom couldn’t afford both AND I wasn’t allowed to join the touring company because it was more expensive. Maybe that’s why I hate Maddie so much.
Oh and you know what? This guy I had a crush on, Paul Goodwill? His sister Lisa was one of the best dancers in the studio and they were poor, too, so she had to like, work there, to pay for classes. She helped teach my tap class and one time when we were trying on our costumes for the recital she had to pin them near our vaginas and she looked really grossed out. When she was done with mine, I looked down and there was a pube sticking out. SO embarrassing! I ended up dating Paul a few years later but I could NEVER look Lisa in the eye after that.
Sue, just got some snack pack on my computer after reading that.
Wow. I feel like I really opened up to you guys in the last two paragraphs. Forget I told you that pube story. Sue, we’re all going to be thinking about pubes now.
I think Sammi is just being a bitch because she thinks Hannah is chunky. They make them do trust falls and Hannah is scared because she’s heavier and doesn’t think Sammi will catch her. Aww! Poor girl. I know what it’s like. YAY! So rewarding when she finally does it. You know, she’s really pretty with her hair down.
There’s a big fire that the dancers all go and look at. It’s huge but, it’s like, down the block. So who cares? Actually, scratch that. This fire is like 9/11 huge. That’s insane. How does that even happen?! I feel like those kinds of of fires don’t happen anymore because the firefighters are ON that shit. DANCERS ARE FREAKING OUT. HIGH BUNS NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO!
One other word I like hearing Angel say is “however.” Hahheyer.
Kimmy is another one who needs to NOT recite lines when she’s saying real thing. Kimmy’s never done anything wrong? Ugh, homegirl is gonna SLUT. IT. UP in a few years! So and So #2 says he’s bad all the time. Yo boo, when you takin me to Chili’s? Kimmy’s homework is to do something bad.
CUT TO her straightening the fringe on an area rug repeating, “I must be perfect. Must. Be. Perfect.”
Jk, but wouldn’t that be cool? I bet she does do that though. I say straighten the fringe because, okay, one time I was watching 20/20 (I used to LOVE that show when I was a kid) and they profiled Marc Summers, who has OCD, and then they profiled other people and one guy used to straighten his carpet fringe. So that’s what I think of. All this carpet fringe talk makes me want to make another pube joke.
Bridget looks like a Bridget, amIrite? I think Debbie really has an inflated perception of Hannah. She just thinks that she’s totally the best. I worry about that as an artist. That the people closest to me are just lying to me because they love me.
Victor reveals he’s 23. OH THAT EXPLAINS IT! He’s totally not a real choreographer.
Jessi’s Solo
Okay, since she’s gone through puberty, she should NOT be wearing such a revealing costume. Icky! It’s a beautiful dance though and she gives good face. YGG!
Kimmy’s Solo
She is mini. How old is this girl? The choreography feels too slow for the music, right? That drop down trick was really cool. Can we get some flippers for these girls? Homegirl got dracula teeth.
Bridget is a real bitch. Get outta that drama, girl! She calls Hannah’s mom delusional, which I kind of agree with.
OMG DANCE MOMS ABBY SNEAK PEAK!
Does it seem like her temper is getting worse? All this fame is going going to her head. Why can’t they quit this pig for good? OH MY GOOD LORD! Kelly tells Abby to stop eating because that’s why she’s fat. THANK YOU, KELLY! Finally someone says it!
Group number
HIGH BUNS GALORE! That looks like a huge stage. Yikes, scary. What is with their bondage outfits? And this Jurassic Park music? Oh right, I forgot about the prison thing. I don’t think that’s gonna read. I think the judges will just see that as bondage stuff.
Duets
My eyes just glazed over during all this mom drama. I was thinking about whether or not I ever wanted to have kids. I don’t think so, right? I’m not sure. I have time though. But not if this is all the bullshit you have to deal with. Dance recitals and stuff. SO, duet. Again, these costumes don’t feel ver original to me. Sammi is dirty! Look at her! Hannah is a little behind but homegirl holds her own!
This episode gets 3 out of 5 Tacos. We’re in Miami B*tch!
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Maddie with Lucas from Dance Moms Miami
OMG OMG OMG OMG GET MARRIED AND HAVE DANCING BABIES!!
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