Hey guys! If you’re actors like us, you might like this hilarious tumblr we found. Enjoy :)
Hey guys! If you’re actors like us, you might like this hilarious tumblr we found. Enjoy :)
HEY Dance Moms Drama fans:
Sue here. I started a podcast for women in comedy and I think you’d love it! Hope you’re having a great summer!!!
Marcelle Karp (BUST co-founder) talks with Sue about aging, being a single parent and, of course, feminism. Sue tells Marcelle she’s her future self. Sue’s #MonsterMoon has passed!
We’re coming back with a new recap for tomorrow’s show! So sorry we’ve been MIA for a while! Sue’s been busy with her stand up fabulousness and Anna has been busy shooting sketches that nobody will ever see. But now we’re back! Stay tuned, and thanks for reading we love every single one of you :)
Hey ya’ll it’s me, Anna! I am eating oatmeal with coconut milk for breakfast and it is so delicious I don’t know what to do with myself!! Maybe move to a commune where all we eat are coconut products??
Ok, let’s get down to business. The pyramid is messed up. Asia is on top, which I understand bc Abby ALWAYS loves the new girl. Poor McKenzie is always getting sick, maybe she’s just sick of being drilled every day and wants to be a normal kid??
The group number is about conservatives and liberals in politics. Jesus Abby, we get it!
She’s giving out a bunch of solos; Asia, Chloe, and Maddie! Oh crap. Chlo and Mad are like best friends why on earth do you keep pitting them against each other?
Oh wait, so now we’re realizing that this dance isn’t about politics in the White House, it’s about politics in dance. Abby is teaching these girls to be snarky bitches before they even learn the dance. Poor girls!
How old is Asia? She looks a like a muscular 4 yr old? There’s no way she can pick up this routine by not even practicing it! But instead, Abby gives Asia a hot jazz number where she plays Rosie the Riveter, who of course, Kelly has no idea who that is. Kelly’s the biggest dum dum on this show.
I wonder if Asia drinks protein shakes every morning.
Abby was being super sweet to Chlo during their solo rehearsal, so we will see…
Guys, this oatmeal really is so good! But it’s weird eating a hot breakfast when you’re sunburned. Yesterday it was 80 degrees here! I was outside with my family eating all day (bc that’s what we do) and ONE OF MY ARMS got sunburned. Just one. I look like an unloved child. I bet when Paige goes to the beach her mom forgets to put sunscreen on one of her arms :(
Melissa wants to get her kids homeschooled. Maddie is all for it. McKenzie is A NORMAL KID. She wants to be at school with her friends like a normal kid. She doesn’t want to spend her whole life dancing every minute. I bet when the camera’s off of her she lets Melissa have it. I really hope she does. Poor girl.
Now would be a great time for our fave Kenzie gif.
Wow. Kelly looks exhausted. The bags under her eyes are insane. But thank god the women try to talk some sense into Melissa about the home schooling! These girls are so good at dancing they could get a free ride into a good college, but if they’re home schooled who knows? Also, let me just say I know nothing about home schooling. Looks like Melissa just wants her kids to be celebrities. STAGE MOM.
I can’t take Asia’s muscles! Also, where the f is Cathy? She needs to be in every episode.
Abby wants the moms to cut up flags to make costumes. Wow. IS ABBY A TERRORIST?!?!? In Girls Scouts, if one flag even touch the ground you had to burn it. Remember?
Abby makes a good point about Maddie and Chloe getting better because they are competing against each other. But it’s still kind of messed up.
Can someone please tell us about Preachers’ Daughters? I feel like we should watch this, Sue! Sue here. Anna, I tried to pick it up in the middle of one episode but it might be too late? Like, since we didn’t start from the beginning we have no idea what’s happening. I wonder if it’s on demand. Also, BIG RICH ATL!
Why is she tattling on Asia? Ugh, everyone hates her and her soulless daughter Kendall. Just leave, please!
The costumes look crappy. Is ALDC running out of $$ or something?
Maddie gives Asia a terrifying “pep talk” before they hit the stage.
This dance kind of sucks. Also, that face the judge makes is hilarious and terrible.
Abby is having all the girls vote for Maddie or Chloe and she’s terrible. This is messed up!! You monster!!!
ASIA IS FIERCE! How does a girl that young have so much sass?! And that one eyebrow lift at the end? I love that chick. Even my boyfriend was like, “That was good.”
Chloe is wearing kind of a losery dress for her solo. Ooh but it does look beautiful when she turns. She looks stunning, she is so graceful and her lines are beautiful. I think her and Maddie are both wonderful but they are two totally different dancers! Like Chloe could be a rockette with those legs, Maddie couldn’t—but Maddie is still a wonderful and beautiful dancer!! Her solo is a bit boring though, eeek! SUE HERE: STOP SUCKING MADDIE’S DICK!
I can’t believe the group even got second place. These judges were too generous.
(Btw, what’s with the judge’s zoot suit outfit?)
Asia gets first place! YAYAYAYY!!!!
I can’t believe Maddie won. That’s insane. Her dance was beautiful. Poor Chloe has been trampled on for too long!
Also, Abby needs to lay off the bronzer a smidge.
Maddie wince the popular vote by four. That’s some real student council shit. Chloe, you are a STRONG BLACK WOMAN.
Asian yawns. You’re right girl. Also, Abby is wearing a huge engagement ring?! Boyfriend: “I hate this fucking show so much.” AND HE NEVER SWEARS.
This episode gets three out of five candy apples. Where’s Cathy?!
Hey guys! Sue here! Long time no see. I have so much to tell you guys. First, when I hear Vanessa Hudgens’ name, in my head I think, “Vanessa Hug and Kiss.” Am I the only one? Second, Anna and I totally spaced last week and didn’t do the recap. Oops. But it looks like we missed a lot. Third, I went to Soul Cycle last night and a.) Allison Williams was in my class! and b.) OMG I am in so much pain this morning.
This is what Sue was doing everyone. Sue, you crazy!
I think that about covers it. Oh! Anna and I went for a sexy oyster dinner last night and now my jeans don’t fit right. Oops.
Sue, don’t even get me started I had such sexy dreams last night! Oysters make you horny! Right?!?!
Oh, the pyramid is happening. Kelly has a nice new chestnut brown color in her confessional. Maybe it’s just the lighting? It brings out her eyes.
Abby says Asia from her Ultimate Dance Competition is going to be showing. Ohhkay. Whatever. I’ve been so mucusy lately. I was deathly sick last week and I couldn’t shake it. I swear. I was in bed for three days. Which is so unlike me. But, anyway, I feel better now I just am like a snot volcano fountain over here.
So what did I miss last week? Melissa got married and the choreographer wore some weird 80s thigh-high stuffs?
The theme for this is reincarnation and stuff. Yo, what’s your feelings about Long Island Medium? I LOVE her. I think she is so real and spot on. But all of our friends were saying at dinner last night that she was a sham.
Anna here, Sue and I love Theresa Caputo! My friend is going to be on an episode next season!! Wooooooo!
Cathy and her gimmicky Candy Apple’s are in this episode, PJ (praise Jesus.) Her guest choreographer is John Culbertson. A very tan man who is friends with Abby… Why all the guest choreographers?
Remember when we first met Cathy? I wonder if she’s still obsessed with purses.
Abby tells Melissa she’s thinking of getting Broadway Baby stuffed. That’s the weirdest shit I ever heard. When I was in high school I used to party at this girl Amanda Paul’s house, and they had a stuffed albino squirrel on top of the TV (before TVs were flat). It was the grossest thing ever.
Cathy Candy Aps is choreographing something about the Depression. The moms call Asia’s Mom Skinny Kristi. How rude!
The moms try to intimidate her about the contract and tell her that if she leaves before a year she’ll owe Abby $100K and she goes, “Thank god I have $100,000.” WERK!
Abby asks Kristi if they are being nice to her. Oh, go cry into your taxidermied dog, Abby. Stop trying to start shit.
Kristi is in Mufasa’s seat on the buss. OOOOh lawwwwwd watch out. These girls got their assigned seats! YOU GUYS! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AT SOUL CYCLE? I asked the guy on the bike next to my friend if he would switch with me so I could sit next to her and he was like, “But this is my bike.” Super mean. NO IT AIN’T! It doesn’t have your name on it! He finally did but he was SO RUDE!!!
We get it Sue, you work out with celebrities!!!! Meanwhile I’m over here eating a sausage egg and cheese sandwich. Guys, I tried to do this paleo diet and it just isn’t working for me! Girl’s gotta eat cheese and bread!
Abby goes to the taxidermy farm and homeboy’s got zebras and lizards and shit. You guys watch that episode of the Kardashians where Scott kills a gator? Yuck. That scene where they skin the gator has been haunting me for the last week.
The moms try to stir some shit and speculate whether Asia will replace Kenz. Please. Just. Please.
I love all these hallway shots of Abby approaching. They’re so dramatic and amazing. Abby gives John a huge hug to intimidate Cathy Candy Aps.
Asia’s solo is great and I love the music. But. What’s with the weird bunny/dog costume? It totally doesn’t match.
The Candy App’s duet is very Dance Moms Miami. Remember those crazies? Also, where did Cathy get this random girl from?
The trio is great and I love their sassy orange outfits.
Cathy Candy Apps group number is actually interesting. Even my boyfriend said, “I feel like this is really good, right? That choreographer guy looks like something from Twin Peaks.”
Abby’s group number is good… but like, medium.
Asia wins first place, the trio wins second, Cathy’s boys win a perfect score first place and my boyfriend says, “Told you that was good.”
Then, of course, we cut to the dressing room and do a Cathy/Abby fight. Abby needs to take it easy on her voice!
This episode gets 4 out of 5 candy apples, because we love Cathy and Abby in the same room together!
Hey guys! Sue here. Do you believe what I just did? I roasted some brocooli and made myself some quinoa like a motherfucking monster. That’s what happens when you quit your dayjob out of nowhere with no life plan.
Guys, honestly, Anna did the recap last week so I didn’t watch the episode. I’m sorry! I think I was serving couscous to some finance guy or something. So, what I’m asking is, why was So and So in a wheelchair? Doesn’t matter. She’s at the bottom of the pyramid. Maddie is third and Kendall is second. Wow. I guess Mufasa’s bribes are finally working. Nia is at the top! Finally! I love her.
Listen, I was in Pittsburgh this weekend and I opened my stepdad’s fridge and I found some hot eggs. Pennsylvania is a weird ass place. (This should take u to a pic of hot eggs from my insta http://instagram.com/p/W4gyDqzGIk/)
The group number this week is about Rosa Parks and Abby is hemming and and hawing about giving her the role. Abby? NIA IS YOUR ONLY BLACK GIRL. You ain’t got no choice. Then she gets on Holly’s ass about her outfit? Bitch, you better go on because you out of yo damn mind.
Abby tells the girls that they ain’t working hard enough because they’re too concerned about their Instagram likes. THAT’S TRUE! I like your pics erryday! Also, I get so obsessed with my precious likes. OBSESSED.
Yes! It’s a Candy Apple’s episode. We get a shot of Vivi right away. And Cathy is wearing some 90s-era burgundy lipstick, like I know Anna likes. Cathy look just like Anna when we filmed that video. Did you guys all watch that?
Oh god, they’re doing a Candy Apple’s/Gangam Style dance. I honestly can’t think of anything more cliche. This morning I saw a Pistachios commercial with Psy and dancing pistachios and I just wanted to barf.
Abby is taking Holly shopping? What? How is ABBY a fashion authority? Mufasa tags along because she’s a conniving biotch. Of course she tries to get white little Kendall to play Rosa Parks. She don’t stop.
Cut back to Candy Apple’s! Vivi! Please drop some gold, Vivi. Please, oh please! Cathy gives her a ballet class and she looks more uncomfortable than my little brother at a Buddhist meditation retreat.
Honestly, if only you guys could see the gchat Anna and I are having right now. Hint: it has to do with your butt.
Abby gives Kendall a weird facial expression tutorial. I dunno. I just picture Abby making those faces in the mirror alone every morning, don’t you.
Abby finally gives Nia the Rosa Parks role after admitting she was just doing a mini little mindfuck. I have chili all over my mouth and quinoa all over my hands. I’m such a hippie sometimes.
Yo, you guys ever watch Mackenzie’s makeup tutorials? They are just adorable. Part of me thinks she really lacks supervision.
I gotta tell you about this epic nap I took at about 5pm today. I slept for like, 45 minutes. Then I woke up and I had no idea what time it was or where I was. One of those. Cats all over me. Perfect.
Why does Cathy Candy Apple’s have guest choreographers every week? She cain’t do that shit on her own? Abby never does. She fights with him and it’s pretty great because he tells her she’s a phony.
Oh! Also, my friend was dogsitting this chocolate lab today and I looked into her eyes and I swear I saw God.
Cathy gets a plaque from a City Councilman and Vivi dances like a monkey and I almost wet myself. GIF REQUEST PLS! She is even wearing a coat like that Ikea monkey. Anyway, this whole Councilman thing looks incredibly staged. And YES! Christi points out the grammatical apostrophe mistake. FINALLY, AN ALLY!!!!!
Cut to Cathy and Vivi at a place called Alterations by Shelly. Ugh, Candy Apples is SO low budge. I don’t know why she makes her try on all the boys costumes. Also, she asks Vivi if she knows what Wall Street is and then tell her it was a movie? Um, no. Idiot.
The girls’ costumes are too slutty. Sorry. I said it. Not age appropriate at all.
You guys watching Preacher’s Daughters? Worth it?
I do like this guest choreographer at the Candy Ap’s though. “You missed your cue? Why? It’s showtime.” He’s so right. When it’s showtime, nothing else matters.
Hello!! Anna here, taking over this last half of the recap because let’s face it—these 2 hour episodes are INTENSE! I have so many opinions and feelings about this episode right now, I can’t wait to write about it!! Also, if you haven’t seen it yet, this is Sue and I as Abby and Cathy, please enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIWGfZxxKLY
Sorry, I know I’m plugging our video again but I just can’t help it when Cathy’s here!!
JILL IS THE WORST PERSON EVER. MUFASA IS THE WORST!! CATHY IS THE WORST MOTHER EVER! Also, I hate Candy Apple’s but I love K-Pop more than anything! I’m sorry, I’ve just been holding it in the past hour, I’m so happy I can let it out.
Alright, back to the recap.
Ok, I cannot believe this scene with Cathy and Vivi. Why is she making Vivi try on these terrible costumes? I don’t understand why she’s dressing Vivi up like a terrorist?! The camo hat, the bandana over her face, and the horribly ugly “nice suit” reminds me of the terrorists from Zero Dark Thirty. Which was a terrifying movie btw.
Chloe and Paige look like ultimate prostitutes. But they also look fabulous. Those costumes are PERFECT for instagram!
Costumes tonight are literally amazing. All of these girls look like the black ladies in church from “The Help” with those little hats.
OMG Cathy has hired bodyguards. This is hilarious. When my little brother came into town I felt like I had a bodyguard. He’s 230lbs and 6 ft tall and he was always waking one step behind me bc he doesn’t know New York. It was a really nice feeling.
Poor So and So can’t handle doing all of these girls make up! But when it comes down to it, looks like all she’s doing is lipstick. Mufasa is such a BITCH.
First off, great costume. Seriously this episode has the best costumes ever! I mean sure, she’s doing some of the faces Abby taught her but she still looks dead inside. Poor girl has had her soul sucked out by Mufasa! Ok. But that wink at the end was totally adorbs. I don’t know how to wink. Everytime I try people think I’m having a stroke.
I love how LES MIS her costume is! She is a goddamn beautiful dancer. Seriously, tears get in my eyes when I see her dance. It’s truly beautiful. Just look at her face, it is 1000x more expressive than Kendall’s. I’m sorry Kendall, but you have a lot to learn from this beautiful dancer. Maddie I love you!!! Haha Cathy couldn’t even look up to watch the dance, what a BIATCH!
Jaylin? sp? Solo:
He looks like a mini stripper. His dad is a piece of work, shouting like he’s at a football game. I’m sure he wanted his kid to play football so badly. OMG he actually started stripping! Cathy calls it a “costume change” but when you take off a big part of your costume and throw it on the stage, well, that’s called stripping Cathy!
Wow, this is so sad, after the dance he’s beating himself up. Poor guy! You’re a great dancer, you’re just stuck with a horrible woman as your dance teacher! Switch to team Abby!!
Why does Kelly keep saying no to the duet? Just shut up and blow your nose Kelly!
Ok, Paige and Chloe are stunning. They could be twins for sure! The dance was good, but it is kind of crazy how much more advanced Chloe is than Paige. Don’t get me wrong, Paige is an amazing dancer! But Chloe makes it look so much easier. I miss Chloe’s solos.
OMG the shot of these bodyguards monitoring the Candy Apple’s pep talk cracked me up.
Gangam Group Dance:
This is a weird remix of Gangam Style. I personally would have enjoyed it way more if they actually did the Gangam Style dance, oh wait! There’s a little bit in there!! Ok, Jaylin is awesome. Those ridiculous glasses, he’s adorable! He’s like that group’s little So and So.
Rosa Parks Group Dance:
I cannot take this little hats! I hope none of them fall off! They need to beat those boys! This dance is beautiful, Nia is wonderful. Both at dancing and acting. I thought the whole dance was beautiful! But Brooke meandering aimlessly was a little awkward… I really hope they still get first place though!
Jaylin is such a cocky lil boy, thinking he’s going to win while he got 6th.
Kendall got 2nd and Maddie got 1st. Perfect!
Chloe and Paige got 1st place!!!!!!! Thank god! Now Kelly won’t kill herself!!
Also, this whole eat crow bit is too much for me.
Rosa Parks got first place! Wooohoooo!! Seriously, that dance was amazing. Here is a bootleg copy of it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2XdAxBrh2Q
OMG now the Dance Moms are plotting their revenge on the Candy Apple’s to gloat this is ridiculous.
Cathy tells them to suck in their guts haha I love how the one time she actually “needs them” the bodyguards are nowhere to be found.
This episode gets 5 out of 5 apples. Cathy + amazing costumes + amazing dancing! I’m sold!
Could have used more Vivi though …oh well!
Hey guys! It’s me, Anna! Sue is too busy being pretty and famous to write this week so I get to talk about Maddie as much as I want! Muahahahahah.
Omg the previews for this episode look as insane as the show is. Why am I surprised? Of course it’s insane, that’s why we love this place.
Did anyone read that book about the crazy Chinese mom? Abby reminds me of her.
Abby’s being really strange about them getting second, maybe she’s not screaming bc she’s losing her voice??
McKenzie, Nia, and Paige are at the bottom, what else is new.
Holy shit! Maddie is next! Who’s on the top???
Kendall is next, and then Brooke is on top!
Of course Brooke is, she’s the oldest. It’s about time. Mufasa gets a huge boner bc Kendall is second in the pyramid. Picture Mufasa from the Lion King with a boner.
Poor Chloe isn’t even on the pyramid bc Abby is still punishing her for having a psycho mom.
Abby wants to do a dance about the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy in the military, WTF? Brooke, Kendall, and Maddie get solos.
Jesus, if they keep adding in dumb stuff like Abby yelling at the moms bc this is a 2 hr episode I’m gonna puke my Fage all over the place. Guys, I love Fage yogurt!
Melissa starts talking about her wedding to another man who’s wedding band she isn’t wearing…I don’t understand her secret life.
I don’t think Abby understands the military. But it’s hip hop and I’m pumped! Why the hell is she being so mean to So and So? Don’t be mean to poor lil So and So!!!
Ummm WTF? Did the producers find some sad soul to be Abby’s boyfriend? This conversation is so staged. I feel like there might not be anyone on the phone?? :(
Christi and Kelly are actually cracking me up.
OMG ABBY REVEALS THAT SHE MET THIS GUY IN A GAS STATION!
Kendall rehearses her solo, did Abby say she was “dead in the face”? Probably. Kenzie is dancing with a hurt foot. Melissa if your daughter is hurt she shouldn’t dance! Maddie gives great face even in rehearsal, I love that girl.
Abby gets her nails done for her date. This is an awkward scene. Why do the moms come and join her? Pennsylvania is so weird.
Jill is trying to help Abby look beautiful for her date by putting a scarf on her that covers up her neck and face. That might have been the smartest thing Abby’s ever done.
Jill is grinding by herself, I think all of the moms need to leave and go buy vibrators.
Maddie’s solo is full of new cutting edge moves, I can’t wait! Love it.
HOLY SHIT LOUIE! He’s wearing a bow tie and has a patchy beard. Wtf. He’s clearly a gay intern at Lifetime that the producers paid to date her. Why are the moms badmouthing Abby to him before their date? OMG. This is such an awkward episode! Abby does look super cute…for Abby.
Ummm he rented the entire restaurant out for their first date? Clearly he’s embarrassed to be seen with her or this is a ridiculous producer ploy! Abby admits to him she has a long distance relationship—with who?? OH NOW WE GET IT. He’s writing a book, so this is research.
Abby laughs like a squealing pig. Abby, I don’t think he was kidding! He reveals that he used to be a male stripper—wtf is this show!?!!?!?!!
Brooke’s solo looks hippy dippy and awesome. She would have been really cool to smoke pot with in the 60’s right guys? HEY! I just watched Forrest Gump again, I hadn’t seen it in forever I forgot how wonderful of a movie it is. So good!
Mufasa is getting Simba new headshots. Why so much makeup?? Her hair looks great though. Also, can we acknowledge how weird this studio is?? Why on earth does Jill push Kendall off the stool and try to take her own headshots?
Now the drunks are trying to find second hand wedding dresses in downtown Pittsburgh, but they’re all in a limo so I guess that means they’re classy?
Why on earth would you serve big fatty cupcakes and have LIT CANDLES at a fitting??? I feel like wedding dresses are some of the most flammable things… This scene is all fun and what not but I can’t help but think of the best scene in Bridesmaids.
Kenzie finally gets to go home bc of her hurt foot.
Sorry guys, I got so distracted watching the best scene in movie history. “I don’t think the kids really give a SH*T what the name of their dance is.” THANK YOU KELLY. Christi has such great one liners in this episode I love it.
Abby brings the moms down to have them explain to their kids what being gay means. This show is so fucking weird. Kelly has a weird conversation with her daughters about gay boys who dance. Kenzie has a sprain and she can’t dance for 72 hours :(
Kendall’s Solo! Her costume looks great, her face still looks dead though. Poor girl has no soul!!!!
Maddie’s Solo! Her costume is kind of like a lil white girl Miss Cleo. Woah, this is an intense dance though and she’s killing it! That spin into a jump is so badass. Say what you want about Abby but she is a damn good choreographer!! I’m so happy Sue is not writing with me right now bc she would probably have something mean to say about Maddie but seriously, how could you say anything mean about that girl when she pours her soul out onto the stage like that? It was so good! Come on Suzy, can you please admit that Maddie is awesome?!? MADDIE IS A DEMON.
Kendall you suck. Mufasa, just face it, your kid is boring. Umm guys. I have an addiction I’m struggling with. I’m addicted to those Cadbury creme eggs. Everytime I go to Duane Reade I just have to buy one! They are right next to the checkout, makes it so easy!
Now there’s some weird conspiracy that Kenzie isn’t actually hurt. Why do the moms care?
Brooke’s Solo! Brooke looks great, but she does slip a bit at one point. Oh well, I still love her.
What is the deal with Kenzie and Melissa? Jesus, this two hour episode is KILLING ME!
Now they’re doing this weird interrogation thing? This hip hop dance looks like it’s going to be awesome. These girls are ready!! Get it girls!
Group Dance! Nia’s shirt is awesome. Kendall sucks. Nia and Maddie are killing it at this dance! Also, Brooke’s tumbling in the beginning was awesome.
KENDALL IS SO BORING.
Ok, awards. Brooke gets 2nd Place. Kendall gets 4th Place. Maddie gets 2nd Place?!?!? Group is 7th Place?!?!
This episode gets 4 out of 5 apples, but only bc we got to see Abby on the weirdest date in the world.
Hi guys! How’s it going? My boyfriend was drinking milk before bed and he left it out all night and I’m so grossed out. Is it still good? Should I put it back in the fridge? Cow’s milk is just the nastiest stuff.
Pyramid. Abby is getting on everyone’s dicks for not doing the right choreography but it was an improvised show anyway so wtf? Kenzie’s has fierce face in her new headshot. She could be on RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Little Kenzie gets a solo! Aww do they BOTH have braces?
Hot-ass Nick is coming back to do the group number! Brooke is the female lead and I think Abby is trying to make a little love connection.
Kelly says her first love is dead… Um, I don’t think we’ve had backstory on this ever. SO WTF? Then they go on a dating website to try to find someone for Abby? Yo, do you think Abby’s a virgin? I get the feeling that she’s never had love in her life.
You guys, I’ve been getting back into one of my fave reality TV shows, Ruby, on Netflix. OMG she is just the best. It’s one woman’s journey to lose weight. Apparently she is still a virgin. Not because she couldn’t get a guy— she had dumb old Denny for eight years— but because she’s saving herself for marriage. I mean, Denny is ok and I understand having that chemistry with someone. He just seems so sketchy.
Then Abby does some grind moves and it’s hilarious. GIF REQUEST PLS. Also, I love this new, emotionally vulnerable Abby. I love watching Abby and the Moms get along!
The Moms bring a limo for Abby to go to her speed dating and Abby says she won’t come if Christi’s there. I get it. She feels emotionally threatened by Christi. And this is going to be a vulnerable place so she doesn’t want to feel like she’s gonna get teased. Abby likes guys that are worldly and tells the moms she’s dating a guy right now. Amazing. Even though it’s a tragedy, I sort of feel like Broadway Baby dying was the best thing that could have happened to her because she’s so much more open.
Abby’s first question to her potential match is, “Do you own your own tuxedo?” I LOVE LOVE LOVE that that’s the first thing she wants to know about someone. Who ASKS someone that? Sheesh. She is like an elderly drag queen on the inside.
Her second is, “How many times have you been to Disneyworld.” ALSO AMAZING. The first guy is like too edgy for her. But Carl, the second guy is sweet. And Abby gives him a creepy wink which is PRICELESS.
Jill says, “It would be great if Abby finds love because it would make our lives a whole lot easier.” What she means is, “ABBY NEEDS TO GET THAT DICK ASAP SO SHE CAN CHILL OUT.”
Oops, I tuned out for a minute because I was getting my calendar together for the next few months. BECAUSE I AM SO IMPORTANT. J/k I quit my job waiting tables and now that shit IS BLANK except for all the freakin weddings I have to go to this summer. Just WAIT until all your friends get to be that age. You will have to go to SO MANY weddings. You think it’s gonna be cool but then it’s the most boring shit ever. And the bachelorette parties? Don’t even get me started. You want us to all sit around and watch you open presents from your registry that we SAW WHEN WE WERE BUYING YOUR PRESENT? Oh hell naw. This is the only reason I want to get married someday. My friends all owe me.
Anyway, Abby wants a ring from this gay guy in California. I actually think that would be her soulmate. A gay guy would be a perfect match for her because they all have tuxes. I don’t mean that in a racist way. I’m jealous.
Aww, the dresses for this group number are so traditional and beautiful. I just love ballet culture. I’m personally rhythmically challenged, but I’m fascinated by people who have that in them.
Nia is sick with bronchitis. This ain’t good. You guys, I’m going to go to this Vinyasa class today and it’s going to be life-changing. I’ve been going to Om Factory in Union Square and doing their aerial classes too. I swear. Straight up life changing.
So-and-so’s solo is very dramatic and like, emotional and grown-up. It was perfect. Hey do you think Melissa got extensions too? Her hair looks fuller and thicker.
Jill takes Kendall in the hall to give Kendall a secret private. What a little snake. I kind of love her scheming. Nia and Kendall’s duet is so weird. Like, they totally interperted the song literally. The lyricsa are about diging deeper so she gvae them hardhats and shovels. Nia gives great face though.
Maddie’s solo is pretty and very Maddie. The group number is SO SO musical theater. You guys loved Les Mis, right? Even though we’re comedians we LOVED it.
Maddie gets second place and so does the group number. Abby is pissed. Listen Abby, I would just like to get second place in one thing. To stand out enough to the point where someone takes me aside and says, “You almost did it. You beat out all of these people and you were almost the best. You’re really talented and you stand out. Here’s a medal.” I would LOVE that!!!!
This episode gets 3 out of 5 candy apples.
Hi everyone! Sue here. I’m so sleepy. I just had a coffee and I was high as a kite but now I’m crashing.
Anna here! I’m eating the most bizarre foods in my house for breakfast, stay tuned. I’m starting with candy egg whoppers.
Abby comes in right away and says Broadway Baby died. Aww, I’m sad for Flabby. Every day I look in my cat’s eyes and dread the day she’s going to die. I will just be so sad.
Anna here, I just started sobbing when Abby came in and said Broadway Baby died. I mean sure, I’m on a ton of sudafed and cough syrup but still—SO EMOTIONAL! I actually feel bad for Flabby!!!
Nia is almost at the top of the pyramid! YGG! Maddie is back on top. EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. Except Chloe is still on suspension and Kenize ain’t in the group number. WAH.
Paige looks STUNNING! Right?? Maddie, Kenzie, and Nia look stunning as well—because they’re not wearing any make up! Girls, you’re in rehearsal don’t wear make up!!
OMG Black Patsy is coming back. I can’t wait. She is like Cathy Candy Apple’s TIMES A MILLION. She is what my dreams look like. Now that Broadway Baby is dead, maybe Abby will sell me her dog stroller so I can take my cats for a walk and I can never be without their love.
In Abby’s confessional where she is wearing the green shirt, she looks super drugged up. You takin dat Klonopin, girl?
Sixteen is pretty old for a dog. My cats are nine and five already.
The moms have the idea of switching the group number and dedicating it to Abby. That’s the dumbest shit I ever heard because Abby is gonna be mad pissed. Duhhhhhh.
This dog is actually a bit terrifying.
Christi and Kelly are still fighting about like, whatever. Oh no, then we see a shot of Abby going home, to her all-white house and crying in front of a picture of Broadway Baby with her mom. I love animals so much. Did you know that I was such a weird kid that I just didn’t “get” pets? My friend Rachel had this big boxer named Pochantas and she was so jumpy. I just hated that thing. We had a cat and I liked it fine but I never thought it whispered into my heart or anything. I dunno. It took me a long time to develop empathy because I have a learning disability that’s OTS.
OH! Guess what happened this week! Noodle and Brindle (my cats) fight all the time. They always have. Just like, swat at each other and stuff. But yesterday I found a little scar on Brin’s ear and it must be from Noodle! What a bitch! I put Neosporin on it, don’t worry.
Black Patsy. Can people call me White Ass Sue?
Yes. But only if you can call me Honky Anna.
Abby’s mom looks mad sick. Also, I thought she lived in Florida? Abby is so sad. Maybe she is a real human.
OMG this scene between Abby and her mom is so depressing. I’m eating ranch flavored wheat thins for breakfast with slices of ricotta salata cheese on them—A CRY FOR HELP?!
Who’s Nyala? We’ve never seen THIS choreographer before. I mean. Good.
But her name isn’t Patsy. It’s Kya. So I don’t get it. I mean, I guess I could be White Ass Margaret if I wanted to be.
Noodle is kneading my flabby belly like she DIDN’T give Brin a ear scab.
Kelly and Christi get into a shouting match. Pretty sure this is the first time we’ve seen this sort of in-fighting among the moms. (Oops, just typed “mongs.”)
Abby dramatically returns to the studio for the sake of Broadway Baby. Direct quote: “Nothing makes me happier than working with Maddie.” LOL!
She’s pissed about the surprise choreography, obvs. Did they honestly think that would be ok? Abby is so emotionally vulnerable right now!
I don’t know about you, but White Ass Margaret loves Black Patsy. I think it’s maybe racist to call someone “ghetto,” but she’s SO GHETTO!!! I think on the inside White Ass Margaret has always been a Black Patsy.
I think Nia looks adorable in her costume. Her dance is very traditionally jazzy, but she gives good face.
Madison is a stripper name these days. I always forget that’s Maddie’s full name… Yeah, Madison is someone who works at Hooters. Maddie is a sweet Southern Belle.
Maddie dedicates her solo to Broadway Baby and Abby breaks down. The rest of the moms go nuts. Jeez shut UP already. Also, her costume looks like the North Korean flag.
Oops, got distracted watching videos of myself read affirmations that were on my computer. I literally had no idea they were on there. Jesus Sue, be more of an ACTOR why don’t ya??
JK, I get distracted watching videos of Suzy too. She’s really funny and beautiful.
The kids are improvising the group number. SHIT IS WHACK. White Ass Margaret is JUST APPALLED. I think it actually looks good. It’s nice to do something refreshing and happy for once.
Black Patsy is trying to pick a fight with Dr. Holly and she’s so not into it. I really think Holly is the most emotionally stable person on this show.
Also, I like seeing Abby vulnerable like this. She’s not as mean. Black Patsy starts picking fights with everyone… Yo, how are we all just cool with calling this woman Black Patsy?
Christi is too scared to fight because she’s afraid Black Patsy’s gonna pull out her weave. You know she would’ve!!!!
Christi and Kelly make up. And Black Patsy gets kicked out of the competition. I mean, she just wanted attention anyway so whatever.
Nia gets a costume award! After Abby made fun of it! Yay!
Nia gets third place, Maddie gets first, and the group number gets first even though the moms choreographed it.
Yo, they do a Broadway Baby montage at the end and that’s kind of an ugly ass dog. She’s pretty fat.
I can’t wait to see Abby go speed dating on the next episode!
Aww, little Noodle has the hiccups. I love her!
This episode gets 4 out of 5 candy apples because BWAY BABY IS RIDICULOUS.