Two Days Until Competition
Brooke is sick of dumbass cheerleaders so she and Abby sit down at the kitchen table for some soup and cheeseburgs and Abby grudgingly allows Brooke to come back. Abby loves getting into drama and being the bad guy. She thrives on that shit.
Pyramid time! That little bitch Maddie is on the second row, way toward the bottom. I LOVE SEEING HER FAIL. Chloe is ahead of her. TRIUMPH! We get to the top and only Peyton’s name hasn’t been called yet so you’d think she would be at the very top, right? Right? NO! ABBY LEE MILLER STRIKES AGAIN. Brooke is at the top of the pyramid. YGG! (You Go Girl!) I am going to miss Peyton’s crazy mom, though.
Starry Night
Payback, Abby is making Brooke into an alien! Let’s just say whenever I see those badass no handed cartwheels I think they’re from another planet. Ugh, I could never do those when I was a kid. Except on the trampoline. I was a god then.
So and So’s Solo
Oh dear god that party hat is the best thing in the world. Abby, please learn how to drink tea! You’re sounding like someone out of “The Birdcage,” but not Nathan Lane because he’s prettier than you.
Let’s make fun of cheerleading!
God, Abby is such a bitch. She really has to stick it to Brooke, by completely mocking the art of cheerleading in this group dance. Also, Mufasa let Paige have her moment, she was doing the music last week! LET PAIGE DANCE! Let’s get t-shirts made and go down to City Hall like the little Norma Raes we are!
MUFASA ROARS!
First off Mufasa, you’re roaring to the wrong person. Jianna is a bulldog. Talk to Abby next time. And don’t you know anything, you never question a choreographer?! Unless of course it’s to ask if she’d like melted cheese with that. And that answer will always be “yes.”
Kelly’s Shitfest
Kelly loves getting wasted, so of course she invites everyone over to do just that. Those wine glasses are horrible. Also, Christi dresses like a ho fo sho. Also, Cathy is right, she really does have a nose. You guys ever seen “Pinky and the Brain”? Let’s call her Pinky.
Kelly thinks Melissa and Mufasa are “peas in a pod” … Kelly how blind can you be?! We all know that there is this weird lovefest triangle happening between Abby, Melissa, and Mufasa. All this talk about privates!!! WHAT KIND OF PRIVATES?
Dr. Holly says Abby and Melissa are friends. That’s funny. I always pictured Abby alone in an windowless apartment surrounded by empty containers of Easy Mac and half-finished cross stitch portraits of Maddie.
Mufasa and Melissa go shopping for upscale Pennsylvania trash. I wonder if Mufasa wears Bump-Its?
SOB FEST
During her rehearsal, Abby tells So and So to stick out her boobs. SHE IS SEVEN, Abby! Not every child has D cups when they’re that age, like you did.
So and So makes Abby cry because she is JUST. THAT. GOOD. I love them. I love this. I love all of you!!
MASSAGES?!
Ok. Mufasa clearly wants to see Abby naked so badly that she got Abby a massage. (I mean, I kinda do, too. Aren’t you curious? It’s like when someone with stretch marks changes in the locker room at the gym. How does that happen to the human body?) This is ridiculous. This is the most flat-out bribe I’ve ever seen and it’s almost worse than that shirt Mufasa has on. ALMOST. Pinky is right, this is taking gifting to a whole new level.
Abby is Magellan
I love it when Abby thinks she knows more than the GPS. She’s such a bitch. MAGELLAN GOT LOST, ABBY! Was it Magellan? I can never keep my explorers straight. Also, are we all cool with anthropomorphizing the GPS now? Seems like everyone’s parents are calling it “She.”
I love how when all the moms are screaming at each other “So and So” is just shaking her butt like it’s nobody’s business. I love that little girl more than anything.
Solos
So and So gives great face, and her routine is flawless. Those ruffles on her butt are killing me. NEVER GET YOUR FRONT TEETH!
Brooke’s costume is beautiful? Not sure, but it’s visually striking. I would have gone way more “alien” with it. Also, the routine was boring as fuck. The music sounds like it was taken from the Jurassic Park cutting room floor. Brooke’s routines are hard to watch because they involve so much acro and we remember that horrible time she went to the chiropractor.
So and So WINS! I really hope you and your sister stay friends. I’m really nervous for once you two start competing with each other.
Third place for Brooke? I would have given her 0 place.
Abby gives So and So a huge hug and we see that she has cleavage for days. Some gay man would motorboat the shit outta that.
Mufasa definitely wears Bump Its.
Pinky is NAILING it with the jokes in this episode. Someone send her Pittsburgh’s open mic list.
Group Number-Bring It On!
Why do the moms insist on getting into screaming fights the minute before their girls go on stage? Don’t you know how to handle stress? It’s called meditation, doye. I feel so bad for these girls sometimes. All the time. Thank you for saying something about them Abby!! You guys, Abby may be a pain to look at and even worse to hear speak, but I like her. I really do. (Ed. note: Sue and Anna disagree)
The group number is great, but WTF is the robot part at the end? I don’t understand. Paige really did look great in the beginning though!!
I bet you were expecting some Bring it On quotes here. Listen sweetheart, it’s 2am and I gotta work in five hours. That part of my brain’s collapsed.
Abby’s pissed that they got second place, but her theories on second place are skewed …
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