What’s With All The High Buns?
HIII guys! It’s me, Sue! I was out of town last week and Anna was nice enough to do the recap by herself. Let’s surprise her and get a headstart before she wakes up in the morning!
Okay, these people and their theme song are starting to grow on me. I’m getting used to them. Angel is just, he’s ruthless! He’s like a male, Latino, gay Abby.
The List
Kimmy’s on top. I’m telling you, Miami girls gotta step up their hair game. You on tv. You can’t be rockin the same old bun every week! You see the Dance Moms girls in Pittsburgh? They got a zillion ways to braid.
Ok, just woke up. Hi, Anna’s here now and eating cold cuts.
Scary emotional Jessi is third on the list. Does anyone else get a weird vibe from her? Like her hormones are going crazy and she is just on a different emotional level that the other girls? I mean. And her mother! Ugh! What are we dealing with there? I feel like Jessi has an abundance of testosterone in her system and she just needs to punch a wall or something to release! Release Jessi! Release! Omg. Jessi is like Jessie Spano. Is she going to have a caffeine pill moment meltdown??
Lucas is fourth on the list! Aww, tiny little puppy. He is the new So and So. So adorable! Except he’s also favored and the best dancer … Sue won’t admit it, but HE’S EXACTLY LIKE MADDIE MUAHAHAHAHAH
Have perfect dancing babies please!
Hannah’s on the bottom. Okay, is she really that week of a dancer or do you guys just not like her because she’s a little pudgier so you’re trying to punish her? I love Hannah’s pudge! And will all those bomb ass empanadas they got down there I don’t blame her! Seriously though, Miami has some of the best food ever.
The teachers announce they’re going to Michigan and the girls are super excited. Chill out! It’s Michigan. That’s basically like Texas with more meth and dumber accents.
Victor is really bad at talking to the camera. He’s clearly reading lines. Ugh, PLEASE YOU GUYS, just help me shake the feeling that everyone in this show was CASTED for these parts. Just TRY.
Honestly, I could listen to Angel say the word “unacceptable” all day. Unassepticle.
Basically, everyone’s getting solos. Yawn.
The theme for the group number is discipline so they are putting them in prison. Angel tells So and So #2 that his crime is tax evasion and he says, “No, that’s my mom.” Oooh girl, the mom is not happy about that one! Lucas, you’re a firecracker! I like it. When you old enough to drive?
Angel is a good choreographer and teacher because he does more movement in one segment than Abby does in a whole season of her show.
The moms are pissed about Sammi and Hannah doing a duet together. OH BOY. You know what you guys? Women like this make me scared to get older. Like, am I going to have to wear a ton of makeup? Is my metabolism going to slow down? Will I have to get a fake tan? I’m really scared because my birthday is at the end of the month and I might cry. I never thought I’d be one of those women to care about aging, BUT IT’S A REAL KILLER. Now I get what regular women are going through.
Can I just interject here for a second, Sue is a yoga teacher hottie with a body, and she’s pretty much a vegan. You are gonna be MILF SUE SMITH! Girl, if anyone’s gonna look like those women it’s this bitch right here munching on cold cuts. Oh, god I totally forgot I bought snack packs the other night when I was drunk. Success! I am a child.
Why is everyone on this show loaded? Sammi and her mom, Abby (haha) live an hour away in a bomb-ass house. How do people afford this shit? Same with Pittsburgh. You know what? When I was a kid we were so poor I had to choose between ballet or jazz because my mom couldn’t afford both AND I wasn’t allowed to join the touring company because it was more expensive. Maybe that’s why I hate Maddie so much.
Oh and you know what? This guy I had a crush on, Paul Goodwill? His sister Lisa was one of the best dancers in the studio and they were poor, too, so she had to like, work there, to pay for classes. She helped teach my tap class and one time when we were trying on our costumes for the recital she had to pin them near our vaginas and she looked really grossed out. When she was done with mine, I looked down and there was a pube sticking out. SO embarrassing! I ended up dating Paul a few years later but I could NEVER look Lisa in the eye after that.
Sue, just got some snack pack on my computer after reading that.
Wow. I feel like I really opened up to you guys in the last two paragraphs. Forget I told you that pube story. Sue, we’re all going to be thinking about pubes now.
I think Sammi is just being a bitch because she thinks Hannah is chunky. They make them do trust falls and Hannah is scared because she’s heavier and doesn’t think Sammi will catch her. Aww! Poor girl. I know what it’s like. YAY! So rewarding when she finally does it. You know, she’s really pretty with her hair down.
There’s a big fire that the dancers all go and look at. It’s huge but, it’s like, down the block. So who cares? Actually, scratch that. This fire is like 9/11 huge. That’s insane. How does that even happen?! I feel like those kinds of of fires don’t happen anymore because the firefighters are ON that shit. DANCERS ARE FREAKING OUT. HIGH BUNS NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO!
One other word I like hearing Angel say is “however.” Hahheyer.
Kimmy is another one who needs to NOT recite lines when she’s saying real thing. Kimmy’s never done anything wrong? Ugh, homegirl is gonna SLUT. IT. UP in a few years! So and So #2 says he’s bad all the time. Yo boo, when you takin me to Chili’s? Kimmy’s homework is to do something bad.
CUT TO her straightening the fringe on an area rug repeating, “I must be perfect. Must. Be. Perfect.”
Jk, but wouldn’t that be cool? I bet she does do that though. I say straighten the fringe because, okay, one time I was watching 20/20 (I used to LOVE that show when I was a kid) and they profiled Marc Summers, who has OCD, and then they profiled other people and one guy used to straighten his carpet fringe. So that’s what I think of. All this carpet fringe talk makes me want to make another pube joke.
Bridget looks like a Bridget, amIrite? I think Debbie really has an inflated perception of Hannah. She just thinks that she’s totally the best. I worry about that as an artist. That the people closest to me are just lying to me because they love me.
Victor reveals he’s 23. OH THAT EXPLAINS IT! He’s totally not a real choreographer.
Jessi’s Solo
Okay, since she’s gone through puberty, she should NOT be wearing such a revealing costume. Icky! It’s a beautiful dance though and she gives good face. YGG!
Kimmy’s Solo
She is mini. How old is this girl? The choreography feels too slow for the music, right? That drop down trick was really cool. Can we get some flippers for these girls? Homegirl got dracula teeth.
Bridget is a real bitch. Get outta that drama, girl! She calls Hannah’s mom delusional, which I kind of agree with.
OMG DANCE MOMS ABBY SNEAK PEAK!
Does it seem like her temper is getting worse? All this fame is going going to her head. Why can’t they quit this pig for good? OH MY GOOD LORD! Kelly tells Abby to stop eating because that’s why she’s fat. THANK YOU, KELLY! Finally someone says it!
Group number
HIGH BUNS GALORE! That looks like a huge stage. Yikes, scary. What is with their bondage outfits? And this Jurassic Park music? Oh right, I forgot about the prison thing. I don’t think that’s gonna read. I think the judges will just see that as bondage stuff.
Duets
My eyes just glazed over during all this mom drama. I was thinking about whether or not I ever wanted to have kids. I don’t think so, right? I’m not sure. I have time though. But not if this is all the bullshit you have to deal with. Dance recitals and stuff. SO, duet. Again, these costumes don’t feel ver original to me. Sammi is dirty! Look at her! Hannah is a little behind but homegirl holds her own!
This episode gets 3 out of 5 Tacos. We’re in Miami B*tch!
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