Every week, Anna Callegari and Sue Smith discuss the Lifetime show, Dance Moms, which chronicles the lives of the finest crazy bitches America has to offer.

Hey guys!  It’s me, Anna!  Sue is too busy being pretty and famous to write this week so I get to talk about Maddie as much as I want!  Muahahahahah.

Omg the previews for this episode look as insane as the show is.  Why am I surprised?  Of course it’s insane, that’s why we love this place.

Did anyone read that book about the crazy Chinese mom?  Abby reminds me of her.

Abby’s being really strange about them getting second, maybe she’s not screaming bc she’s losing her voice??

McKenzie, Nia, and Paige are at the bottom, what else is new.
Holy shit!  Maddie is next!  Who’s on the top???
Kendall is next, and then Brooke is on top!

Of course Brooke is, she’s the oldest.  It’s about time. Mufasa gets a huge boner bc Kendall is second in the pyramid. Picture Mufasa from the Lion King with a boner.

Poor Chloe isn’t even on the pyramid bc Abby is still punishing her for having a psycho mom.

Abby wants to do a dance about the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy in the military, WTF? Brooke, Kendall, and Maddie get solos.

Jesus, if they keep adding in dumb stuff like Abby yelling at the moms bc this is a 2 hr episode I’m gonna puke my Fage all over the place.  Guys, I love Fage yogurt!

Melissa starts talking about her wedding to another man who’s wedding band she isn’t wearing…I don’t understand her secret life.

I don’t think Abby understands the military.  But it’s hip hop and I’m pumped!  Why the hell is she being so mean to So and So?  Don’t be mean to poor lil So and So!!!

Ummm WTF? Did the producers find some sad soul to be Abby’s boyfriend?  This conversation is so staged.  I feel like there might not be anyone on the phone?? :(

Christi and Kelly are actually cracking me up.


Kendall rehearses her solo, did Abby say she was “dead in the face”?  Probably. Kenzie is dancing with a hurt foot. Melissa if your daughter is hurt she shouldn’t dance! Maddie gives great face even in rehearsal, I love that girl.  

Abby gets her nails done for her date.  This is an awkward scene.  Why do the moms come and join her? Pennsylvania is so weird.

Jill is trying to help Abby look beautiful for her date by putting a scarf on her that covers up her neck and face.  That might have been the smartest thing Abby’s ever done.

Jill is grinding by herself, I think all of the moms need to leave and go buy vibrators.

Maddie’s solo is full of new cutting edge moves, I can’t wait!  Love it.

HOLY SHIT LOUIE!  He’s wearing a bow tie and has a patchy beard.  Wtf. He’s clearly a gay intern at Lifetime that the producers paid to date her.  Why are the moms badmouthing Abby to him before their date?  OMG.  This is such an awkward episode!  Abby does look super cute…for Abby.

Ummm he rented the entire restaurant out for their first date?  Clearly he’s embarrassed to be seen with her or this is a ridiculous producer ploy!  Abby admits to him she has a long distance relationship—with who??  OH NOW WE GET IT.  He’s writing a book, so this is research.

Abby laughs like a squealing pig.  Abby, I don’t think he was kidding! He reveals that he used to be a male stripper—wtf is this show!?!!?!?!!

Brooke’s solo looks hippy dippy and awesome.  She would have been really cool to smoke pot with in the 60’s right guys?  HEY!  I just watched Forrest Gump again, I hadn’t seen it in forever I forgot how wonderful of a movie it is. So good!

Mufasa is getting Simba new headshots.  Why so much makeup??  Her hair looks great though.  Also, can we acknowledge how weird this studio is??  Why on earth does Jill push Kendall off the stool and try to take her own headshots?

Now the drunks are trying to find second hand wedding dresses in downtown Pittsburgh, but they’re all in a limo so I guess that means they’re classy?

Why on earth would you serve big fatty cupcakes and have LIT CANDLES at a fitting???  I feel like wedding dresses are some of the most flammable things… This scene is all fun and what not but I can’t help but think of the best scene in Bridesmaids.


Kenzie finally gets to go home bc of her hurt foot.

Sorry guys, I got so distracted watching the best scene in movie history. “I don’t think the kids really give a SH*T what the name of their dance is.” THANK YOU KELLY. Christi has such great one liners in this episode I love it.

Abby brings the moms down to have them explain to their kids what being gay means.  This show is so fucking weird. Kelly has a weird conversation with her daughters about gay boys who dance. Kenzie has a sprain and she can’t dance for 72 hours :(

Kendall’s Solo! Her costume looks great, her face still looks dead though.  Poor girl has no soul!!!!

Maddie’s Solo! Her costume is kind of like a lil white girl Miss Cleo.  Woah, this is an intense dance though and she’s killing it!  That spin into a jump is so badass.  Say what you want about Abby but she is a damn good choreographer!!  I’m so happy Sue is not writing with me right now bc she would probably have something mean to say about Maddie but seriously, how could you say anything mean about that girl when she pours her soul out onto the stage like that?  It was so good!  Come on Suzy, can you please admit that Maddie is awesome?!? MADDIE IS A DEMON.

Kendall you suck.  Mufasa, just face it, your kid is boring. Umm guys.  I have an addiction I’m struggling with. I’m addicted to those Cadbury creme eggs.  Everytime I go to Duane Reade I just have to buy one!  They are right next to the checkout, makes it so easy!

Now there’s some weird conspiracy that Kenzie isn’t actually hurt.  Why do the moms care?

Brooke’s Solo! Brooke looks great, but she does slip a bit at one point.  Oh well, I still love her.

What is the deal with Kenzie and Melissa?  Jesus, this two hour episode is KILLING ME!

Now they’re doing this weird interrogation thing? This hip hop dance looks like it’s going to be awesome.  These girls are ready!!  Get it girls!

Group Dance! Nia’s shirt is awesome. Kendall sucks.  Nia and Maddie are killing it at this dance!  Also, Brooke’s tumbling in the beginning was awesome.


Ok, awards. Brooke gets 2nd Place. Kendall gets 4th Place. Maddie gets 2nd Place?!?!? Group is 7th Place?!?!

This episode gets 4 out of 5 apples, but only bc we got to see Abby on the weirdest date in the world.

Posted at 12:22pm and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, chloe luksiak, maddie ziegler, tiger moms, lifeless eyes, lifetime, sue smith, anna callegari, fage, limos,.

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