Hey guys! Sue here! Long time no see. I have so much to tell you guys. First, when I hear Vanessa Hudgens’ name, in my head I think, “Vanessa Hug and Kiss.” Am I the only one? Second, Anna and I totally spaced last week and didn’t do the recap. Oops. But it looks like we missed a lot. Third, I went to Soul Cycle last night and a.) Allison Williams was in my class! and b.) OMG I am in so much pain this morning.
This is what Sue was doing everyone. Sue, you crazy!
I think that about covers it. Oh! Anna and I went for a sexy oyster dinner last night and now my jeans don’t fit right. Oops.
Sue, don’t even get me started I had such sexy dreams last night! Oysters make you horny! Right?!?!
Oh, the pyramid is happening. Kelly has a nice new chestnut brown color in her confessional. Maybe it’s just the lighting? It brings out her eyes.
Abby says Asia from her Ultimate Dance Competition is going to be showing. Ohhkay. Whatever. I’ve been so mucusy lately. I was deathly sick last week and I couldn’t shake it. I swear. I was in bed for three days. Which is so unlike me. But, anyway, I feel better now I just am like a snot volcano fountain over here.
So what did I miss last week? Melissa got married and the choreographer wore some weird 80s thigh-high stuffs?
The theme for this is reincarnation and stuff. Yo, what’s your feelings about Long Island Medium? I LOVE her. I think she is so real and spot on. But all of our friends were saying at dinner last night that she was a sham.
Anna here, Sue and I love Theresa Caputo! My friend is going to be on an episode next season!! Wooooooo!
Cathy and her gimmicky Candy Apple’s are in this episode, PJ (praise Jesus.) Her guest choreographer is John Culbertson. A very tan man who is friends with Abby… Why all the guest choreographers?
Remember when we first met Cathy? I wonder if she’s still obsessed with purses.
Abby tells Melissa she’s thinking of getting Broadway Baby stuffed. That’s the weirdest shit I ever heard. When I was in high school I used to party at this girl Amanda Paul’s house, and they had a stuffed albino squirrel on top of the TV (before TVs were flat). It was the grossest thing ever.
Cathy Candy Aps is choreographing something about the Depression. The moms call Asia’s Mom Skinny Kristi. How rude!
The moms try to intimidate her about the contract and tell her that if she leaves before a year she’ll owe Abby $100K and she goes, “Thank god I have $100,000.” WERK!
Abby asks Kristi if they are being nice to her. Oh, go cry into your taxidermied dog, Abby. Stop trying to start shit.
Kristi is in Mufasa’s seat on the buss. OOOOh lawwwwwd watch out. These girls got their assigned seats! YOU GUYS! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AT SOUL CYCLE? I asked the guy on the bike next to my friend if he would switch with me so I could sit next to her and he was like, “But this is my bike.” Super mean. NO IT AIN’T! It doesn’t have your name on it! He finally did but he was SO RUDE!!!
We get it Sue, you work out with celebrities!!!! Meanwhile I’m over here eating a sausage egg and cheese sandwich. Guys, I tried to do this paleo diet and it just isn’t working for me! Girl’s gotta eat cheese and bread!
Abby goes to the taxidermy farm and homeboy’s got zebras and lizards and shit. You guys watch that episode of the Kardashians where Scott kills a gator? Yuck. That scene where they skin the gator has been haunting me for the last week.
The moms try to stir some shit and speculate whether Asia will replace Kenz. Please. Just. Please.
I love all these hallway shots of Abby approaching. They’re so dramatic and amazing. Abby gives John a huge hug to intimidate Cathy Candy Aps.
Asia’s solo is great and I love the music. But. What’s with the weird bunny/dog costume? It totally doesn’t match.
The Candy App’s duet is very Dance Moms Miami. Remember those crazies? Also, where did Cathy get this random girl from?
The trio is great and I love their sassy orange outfits.
Cathy Candy Apps group number is actually interesting. Even my boyfriend said, “I feel like this is really good, right? That choreographer guy looks like something from Twin Peaks.”
Abby’s group number is good… but like, medium.
Asia wins first place, the trio wins second, Cathy’s boys win a perfect score first place and my boyfriend says, “Told you that was good.”
Then, of course, we cut to the dressing room and do a Cathy/Abby fight. Abby needs to take it easy on her voice!
This episode gets 4 out of 5 candy apples, because we love Cathy and Abby in the same room together!