Dance Moms Drama

Hey guys! Sue here. Do you believe what I just did? I roasted some brocooli and made myself some quinoa like a motherfucking monster. That’s what happens when you quit your dayjob out of nowhere with no life plan.

Guys, honestly, Anna did the recap last week so I didn’t watch the episode. I’m sorry! I think I was serving couscous to some finance guy or something. So, what I’m asking is, why was So and So in a wheelchair? Doesn’t matter. She’s at the bottom of the pyramid. Maddie is third and Kendall is second. Wow. I guess Mufasa’s bribes are finally working. Nia is at the top! Finally! I love her.

Listen, I was in Pittsburgh this weekend and I opened my stepdad’s fridge and I found some hot eggs. Pennsylvania is a weird ass place. (This should take u to a pic of hot eggs from my insta http://instagram.com/p/W4gyDqzGIk/)

The group number this week is about Rosa Parks and Abby is hemming and and hawing about giving her the role. Abby? NIA IS YOUR ONLY BLACK GIRL. You ain’t got no choice. Then she gets on Holly’s ass about her outfit? Bitch, you better go on because you out of yo damn mind.

Abby tells the girls that they ain’t working hard enough because they’re too concerned about their Instagram likes. THAT’S TRUE! I like your pics erryday! Also, I get so obsessed with my precious likes. OBSESSED.

Yes! It’s a Candy Apple’s episode. We get a shot of Vivi right away. And Cathy is wearing some 90s-era burgundy lipstick, like I know Anna likes. Cathy look just like Anna when we filmed that video. Did you guys all watch that?

Oh god, they’re doing a Candy Apple’s/Gangam Style dance. I honestly can’t think of anything more cliche. This morning I saw a Pistachios commercial with Psy and dancing pistachios and I just wanted to barf.

Abby is taking Holly shopping? What? How is ABBY a fashion authority? Mufasa tags along because she’s a conniving biotch. Of course she tries to get white little Kendall to play Rosa Parks. She don’t stop.

Cut back to Candy Apple’s! Vivi! Please drop some gold, Vivi. Please, oh please! Cathy gives her a ballet class and she looks more uncomfortable than my little brother at a Buddhist meditation retreat.

Honestly, if only you guys could see the gchat Anna and I are having right now. Hint: it has to do with your butt.

Abby gives Kendall a weird facial expression tutorial. I dunno. I just picture Abby making those faces in the mirror alone every morning, don’t you.

Abby finally gives Nia the Rosa Parks role after admitting she was just doing a mini little mindfuck. I have chili all over my mouth and quinoa all over my hands. I’m such a hippie sometimes.

Yo, you guys ever watch Mackenzie’s makeup tutorials? They are just adorable. Part of me thinks she really lacks supervision.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWXHGhz7XkY

I gotta tell you about this epic nap I took at about 5pm today. I slept for like, 45 minutes. Then I woke up and I had no idea what time it was or where I was. One of those. Cats all over me. Perfect.

Why does Cathy Candy Apple’s have guest choreographers every week? She cain’t do that shit on her own? Abby never does. She fights with him and it’s pretty great because he tells her she’s a phony.

Oh! Also, my friend was dogsitting this chocolate lab today and I looked into her eyes and I swear I saw God.

Cathy gets a plaque from a City Councilman and Vivi dances like a monkey and I almost wet myself. GIF REQUEST PLS! She is even wearing a coat like that Ikea monkey. Anyway, this whole Councilman thing looks incredibly staged. And YES! Christi points out the grammatical apostrophe mistake. FINALLY, AN ALLY!!!!!

Cut to Cathy and Vivi at a place called Alterations by Shelly. Ugh, Candy Apples is SO low budge. I don’t know why she makes her try on all the boys costumes. Also, she asks Vivi if she knows what Wall Street is and then tell her it was a movie? Um, no. Idiot.

The girls’ costumes are too slutty. Sorry. I said it. Not age appropriate at all.

You guys watching Preacher’s Daughters? Worth it?

I do like this guest choreographer at the Candy Ap’s though. “You missed your cue? Why? It’s showtime.” He’s so right. When it’s showtime, nothing else matters.

Hello!! Anna here, taking over this last half of the recap because let’s face it—these 2 hour episodes are INTENSE! I have so many opinions and feelings about this episode right now, I can’t wait to write about it!! Also, if you haven’t seen it yet, this is Sue and I as Abby and Cathy, please enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIWGfZxxKLY

Sorry, I know I’m plugging our video again but I just can’t help it when Cathy’s here!!

JILL IS THE WORST PERSON EVER. MUFASA IS THE WORST!! CATHY IS THE WORST MOTHER EVER! Also, I hate Candy Apple’s but I love K-Pop more than anything! I’m sorry, I’ve just been holding it in the past hour, I’m so happy I can let it out.

Alright, back to the recap.

Ok, I cannot believe this scene with Cathy and Vivi. Why is she making Vivi try on these terrible costumes? I don’t understand why she’s dressing Vivi up like a terrorist?! The camo hat, the bandana over her face, and the horribly ugly “nice suit” reminds me of the terrorists from Zero Dark Thirty. Which was a terrifying movie btw.

Chloe and Paige look like ultimate prostitutes. But they also look fabulous. Those costumes are PERFECT for instagram!

Costumes tonight are literally amazing. All of these girls look like the black ladies in church from “The Help” with those little hats.

OMG Cathy has hired bodyguards. This is hilarious. When my little brother came into town I felt like I had a bodyguard. He’s 230lbs and 6 ft tall and he was always waking one step behind me bc he doesn’t know New York. It was a really nice feeling.

Poor So and So can’t handle doing all of these girls make up! But when it comes down to it, looks like all she’s doing is lipstick. Mufasa is such a BITCH.

Kendall’s Solo:

First off, great costume. Seriously this episode has the best costumes ever! I mean sure, she’s doing some of the faces Abby taught her but she still looks dead inside. Poor girl has had her soul sucked out by Mufasa! Ok. But that wink at the end was totally adorbs. I don’t know how to wink. Everytime I try people think I’m having a stroke.

Maddie’s Solo:

I love how LES MIS her costume is! She is a goddamn beautiful dancer. Seriously, tears get in my eyes when I see her dance. It’s truly beautiful. Just look at her face, it is 1000x more expressive than Kendall’s. I’m sorry Kendall, but you have a lot to learn from this beautiful dancer. Maddie I love you!!! Haha Cathy couldn’t even look up to watch the dance, what a BIATCH!

Jaylin? sp? Solo:

He looks like a mini stripper. His dad is a piece of work, shouting like he’s at a football game. I’m sure he wanted his kid to play football so badly. OMG he actually started stripping! Cathy calls it a “costume change” but when you take off a big part of your costume and throw it on the stage, well, that’s called stripping Cathy!

Wow, this is so sad, after the dance he’s beating himself up. Poor guy! You’re a great dancer, you’re just stuck with a horrible woman as your dance teacher! Switch to team Abby!!

Why does Kelly keep saying no to the duet? Just shut up and blow your nose Kelly!

The Duet:

Ok, Paige and Chloe are stunning. They could be twins for sure! The dance was good, but it is kind of crazy how much more advanced Chloe is than Paige. Don’t get me wrong, Paige is an amazing dancer! But Chloe makes it look so much easier. I miss Chloe’s solos.

OMG the shot of these bodyguards monitoring the Candy Apple’s pep talk cracked me up.

Gangam Group Dance:

This is a weird remix of Gangam Style. I personally would have enjoyed it way more if they actually did the Gangam Style dance, oh wait! There’s a little bit in there!! Ok, Jaylin is awesome. Those ridiculous glasses, he’s adorable! He’s like that group’s little So and So.

Rosa Parks Group Dance:

I cannot take this little hats! I hope none of them fall off! They need to beat those boys! This dance is beautiful, Nia is wonderful. Both at dancing and acting. I thought the whole dance was beautiful! But Brooke meandering aimlessly was a little awkward… I really hope they still get first place though!

Jaylin is such a cocky lil boy, thinking he’s going to win while he got 6th.

Kendall got 2nd and Maddie got 1st. Perfect!

Chloe and Paige got 1st place!!!!!!! Thank god! Now Kelly won’t kill herself!!

Also, this whole eat crow bit is too much for me.

Rosa Parks got first place! Wooohoooo!! Seriously, that dance was amazing. Here is a bootleg copy of it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2XdAxBrh2Q

OMG now the Dance Moms are plotting their revenge on the Candy Apple’s to gloat this is ridiculous.

Cathy tells them to suck in their guts haha I love how the one time she actually “needs them” the bodyguards are nowhere to be found.

This episode gets 5 out of 5 apples. Cathy + amazing costumes + amazing dancing! I’m sold!

Could have used more Vivi though …oh well!

Posted at 11:04am and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, dance, lifetime, Dance competition, maddie ziegler, chloe luksiak, nia, pennsylvania, pittsburgh, candy apple, candy apples, cathy, aldc, ohio, ViVi, paige hyland, brooke hyland,.

February 27th 2013

Dance Moms Recap Season 3, Episode 9 RIP BROADWAY BABY

5 notes |#

Hi everyone! Sue here. I’m so sleepy. I just had a coffee and I was high as a kite but now I’m crashing.

Anna here! I’m eating the most bizarre foods in my house for breakfast, stay tuned. I’m starting with candy egg whoppers.

Abby comes in right away and says Broadway Baby died. Aww, I’m sad for Flabby. Every day I look in my cat’s eyes and dread the day she’s going to die. I will just be so sad.

Anna here, I just started sobbing when Abby came in and said Broadway Baby died. I mean sure, I’m on a ton of sudafed and cough syrup but still—SO EMOTIONAL! I actually feel bad for Flabby!!!

Nia is almost at the top of the pyramid! YGG! Maddie is back on top. EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. Except Chloe is still on suspension and Kenize ain’t in the group number. WAH.

Paige looks STUNNING! Right?? Maddie, Kenzie, and Nia look stunning as well—because they’re not wearing any make up! Girls, you’re in rehearsal don’t wear make up!!

OMG Black Patsy is coming back. I can’t wait. She is like Cathy Candy Apple’s TIMES A MILLION. She is what my dreams look like. Now that Broadway Baby is dead, maybe Abby will sell me her dog stroller so I can take my cats for a walk and I can never be without their love.

In Abby’s confessional where she is wearing the green shirt, she looks super drugged up. You takin dat Klonopin, girl?

Sixteen is pretty old for a dog. My cats are nine and five already.

The moms have the idea of switching the group number and dedicating it to Abby. That’s the dumbest shit I ever heard because Abby is gonna be mad pissed. Duhhhhhh.

This dog is actually a bit terrifying.

Christi and Kelly are still fighting about like, whatever. Oh no, then we see a shot of Abby going home, to her all-white house and crying in front of a picture of Broadway Baby with her mom. I love animals so much. Did you know that I was such a weird kid that I just didn’t “get” pets? My friend Rachel had this big boxer named Pochantas and she was so jumpy. I just hated that thing. We had a cat and I liked it fine but I never thought it whispered into my heart or anything. I dunno. It took me a long time to develop empathy because I have a learning disability that’s OTS.

OH! Guess what happened this week! Noodle and Brindle (my cats) fight all the time. They always have. Just like, swat at each other and stuff. But yesterday I found a little scar on Brin’s ear and it must be from Noodle! What a bitch! I put Neosporin on it, don’t worry.

Black Patsy. Can people call me White Ass Sue?

Yes. But only if you can call me Honky Anna.

Abby’s mom looks mad sick. Also, I thought she lived in Florida? Abby is so sad. Maybe she is a real human.

OMG this scene between Abby and her mom is so depressing. I’m eating ranch flavored wheat thins for breakfast with slices of ricotta salata cheese on them—A CRY FOR HELP?!

Who’s Nyala? We’ve never seen THIS choreographer before. I mean. Good.

But her name isn’t Patsy. It’s Kya. So I don’t get it. I mean, I guess I could be White Ass Margaret if I wanted to be.

Noodle is kneading my flabby belly like she DIDN’T give Brin a ear scab.

Kelly and Christi get into a shouting match. Pretty sure this is the first time we’ve seen this sort of in-fighting among the moms. (Oops, just typed “mongs.”)

Abby dramatically returns to the studio for the sake of Broadway Baby. Direct quote: “Nothing makes me happier than working with Maddie.” LOL!

She’s pissed about the surprise choreography, obvs. Did they honestly think that would be ok? Abby is so emotionally vulnerable right now!

I don’t know about you, but White Ass Margaret loves Black Patsy. I think it’s maybe racist to call someone “ghetto,” but she’s SO GHETTO!!! I think on the inside White Ass Margaret has always been a Black Patsy.

I think Nia looks adorable in her costume. Her dance is very traditionally jazzy, but she gives good face.

Madison is a stripper name these days. I always forget that’s Maddie’s full name… Yeah, Madison is someone who works at Hooters. Maddie is a sweet Southern Belle.

Maddie dedicates her solo to Broadway Baby and Abby breaks down. The rest of the moms go nuts. Jeez shut UP already. Also, her costume looks like the North Korean flag.

Oops, got distracted watching videos of myself read affirmations that were on my computer. I literally had no idea they were on there. Jesus Sue, be more of an ACTOR why don’t ya??

JK, I get distracted watching videos of Suzy too. She’s really funny and beautiful.

The kids are improvising the group number. SHIT IS WHACK. White Ass Margaret is JUST APPALLED. I think it actually looks good. It’s nice to do something refreshing and happy for once.

Black Patsy is trying to pick a fight with Dr. Holly and she’s so not into it. I really think Holly is the most emotionally stable person on this show.

Also, I like seeing Abby vulnerable like this. She’s not as mean. Black Patsy starts picking fights with everyone… Yo, how are we all just cool with calling this woman Black Patsy?

Christi is too scared to fight because she’s afraid Black Patsy’s gonna pull out her weave. You know she would’ve!!!!

Christi and Kelly make up. And Black Patsy gets kicked out of the competition. I mean, she just wanted attention anyway so whatever.

Nia gets a costume award! After Abby made fun of it! Yay!

Nia gets third place, Maddie gets first, and the group number gets first even though the moms choreographed it.

Yo, they do a Broadway Baby montage at the end and that’s kind of an ugly ass dog. She’s pretty fat.

I can’t wait to see Abby go speed dating on the next episode!

Aww, little Noodle has the hiccups. I love her!

This episode gets 4 out of 5 candy apples because BWAY BABY IS RIDICULOUS.

Posted at 11:14am and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, black patsy, broadway baby, lifetime, dance, competition, maddie ziegler, chloe luksiak, nia, pittsburgh, crazy, candy apple,.

June 20th 2012

Dance Moms Recap: Season 3, Episode 3

5 notes |#

Hi guys. Sue here. I’ve had emotional day so I’m eating this huge eggplant and mozzarella sandwich from the Italian place on the corner. Italians know how to do comfort food! Anna is at her house in the East Village eating $0.99 tilapia.

My the handlebars on my bike got stolen and then I had to spend $160 to get them fixed! Not a huge deal. No one died or anything. But it just sent me into a tailspin. Who the fuck steals handlebars anyway? Also, I wore pants today. :(

HOWEVER, I did get to hang out with Anna’s dad, Greg. SO that was the bright spot in an otherwise stupid day.

Dude. Anna here. That tilapia made me pass out in the middle of eating it. I full on passed out at 10pm. Then when I woke up my entire apartment smelled like fish and I realized that I should start “splurging” on fish. Guys, don’t buy cheap fish. It’s stupid!

Know what else is stupid? Abby’s pyramid. She’s punishing Brooke and Paige for last week’s fight with Kelly by putting them on probation. Yeah right, Abby. We know none of you will ever quit the other one. Abby’s hair is so fluffy ALSO is she wearing fake eyelashes?

Oh hey, also, since we’re talking about today, let’s talk about Adam Fucking Carolla. What a piece of shit that guy is. He is like Chris Brown level awful in my mind now. The worst part is… who the hell listens to Adam Carolla to begin with? I didn’t even know his opinion mattered.

Abby puts Chloe at the bottom of the pyramid for missing last week’s rehearsal. Even if she didn’t have a doctor’s appointment, maybe she needed to go to the movies and HAVE FUN and BE A KID. Nia! YGG! You are moving on up! Maddie is back at the top of the pyramid. Ugh, kill me. I hope everyone knows how fucking arbitrary the pyramid is at this point. Sue, you know I love Maddie. She is having a hard time at home!

Abby tells them they are going to a competition in Michigan and two studios registered specifically to beat her studio. PLEASE LET IT BE CANDY APPLE’S. PLEASE!

Maddie and Chloe are doing a solo called “Inside of Me.” IS THIS A SEX THING? We find out that So and So loves Justin Bieber. Adorable! And weird! I don’t get what it is about that little dude that girls like. OMG Sue, where do I even begin? Anna here, and I’ve got the Bieber Fever.

YUMMY.

Maddie is HELEN FUCKING KELLER in her solo. I don’t think we need to say anything else.

Abby makes Kelly re-read her contract to realize she’s at the risk of expulsion. Yawn.

Their group number is called “Silver Spoon” and it’s about being rich. They have a prop—and guess what? It’s a muthafukin spoon. Real clever Abbs.

Everyone finds out that it was Melissa who ratted out Chloe for going to the movies. Kelly had it right: “Who the hell rats out a ten year-old?” Also, there’s a conspiracy theory that Melissa scratched the CD so Maddie’s music would skip and she would win. That’s some psycho shit right there. This is like the Bourne Identity. You know what else? I’m PROBABLY going to finish this goddamn sandwich. How ya like me now?

I lied. it beat me.

Pshh Sue, I never start a sandwich I can’t finish. Also, Sue told me I should go to Overeater’s Anonymous because SHE LOVES ME. I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, ANNA!!!!

Stupid Melissa barges into the studio while Maddie and Chloe are rehearsing to ask Abby if she scratched the CD. I wouldn’t put it past her. I feel like Melissa was just trying to start drama and that wasn’t even a real fight. She’s batshit cray cray.

The spoon is too heavy! DRAMZ.

Nia’s solo is going to be beautiful! I love Nia moments! YGG!

Maddie is rehearsing a solo about Helen Keller, which Abby admits is recycled choreography.

THIS is the real Helen Keller trying to pet a dog.

Melissa and Holly go to lunch. Melissa loves these one on one lunches with people she wants on her team. You guys ever have that ginger ale with jasmine? That stuff is SO good!

Anna here, did you guys know that if you put mayo on a roll it can taste like a sandwich even if there are no meats and cheeses inside?! Not that I’ve done that or anything. I HAVEN’T.

This episode is a little boring, am I right? I’m checking Facebook at this point. My cat’s being… wait, dramz…

The moms are complaining about the costumes not fitting right but when she explains it, it makes total sense. Chloe has a special part. Kelly says the dance is doomed. I kinda believe it. I kinda can’t wait.

You guys, it’s supposed to be like 90 degrees in NYC tmw and I love the heat. Do you think I need InvisAlign? Did anyone else see Moonrise Kingdom? Anna and I went on a lovely date the other night and saw it and it was SO BEAUTIFUL. The date AND the movie. We highly recommend it.

Chloe and Maddie’s solo is gorgeous! Good job, girls! They have these sparkly grey costumes, which I can emotionally relate to because I love the bruise palate. They actually looked like friends up there! Also kudos to the new camera guy on this show, wonderful job capturing this beautiful duet!

The spoon looks hideous and there’s serious costume drama for the group number. OH NO, SPOON DRAMA! This is the frilliest, most traditional dance I’ve ever seen them do. I don’t know if it’s going to win.

WHERE ARE THE CANDY APPLE’S???

Chloe and Maddie were robbed! The group wins second place. The studios that intended to win actually did it. CAN WE PLEASE SEE THEM? PLEASE? They must be amazing. Also, Abby! Don’t blame the girls for your poor costume choices and choreography!

Abby always wears starfish jewelry. She kinda looks like one, if you think about it. Word, Sue. I could totally see her sucking on a wall somewhere, like a starfish stuck to the side of a fishtank.

What do we think of this Bristol Palin show? Did anyone watch it?

Kelly gets mad that Abby helps Maddie with her makeup. Yo, it’s obvious at this point that Abby favors Maddie. Either accept the situation and take it or change it by going to a new studio. You probably aren’t going to change Abby. Real talk.

Why does Helen Keller have bruises all over her face? Was that a thing? I guess she probs walked into a lot of walls.

Nia’s solo is really pretty. But very 70s and ethnic. Is it just me? I picture a smoky room of Black Panthers planning an American takeover. Super ethnic! But she rocked it. Holly crying at the end was priceless, I love you Dr. Holls!

So and So looks ADORABLE in her daisy costume! Where can I get one of those? She needs to be on Toddlers & Tiaras STAT. That dance would win.

SHE WINS FIRST! YGG!

Nia gets ninth place, eh. But at least she placed!

Maddie got fourth place. YESS! Anna feels bad for Maddie, but Abby should learn, that you can’t win with a Helen Keller dance unless you have an actual blind chick dancing it!

Kelly confronts Abby about the costumes and she comes out in her Cruella Deville fur. I feel bad for Broadway Baby!!!

This episode gets 3 out of 5 candy apple’s it would have gotten 5 if we actually saw the candy apple’s!

Posted at 11:00am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, justin bieber, helen keller, dance, moms, sandwich, candy apple, crazy,.

June 13th 2012

Dance Moms Recap: Season 3, Episode 2

8 notes |#

Nia’s new hair style is killing it. I love it.

The Pyramid

OMG! Maddie is at the bottom of the period. Don’t you feel like this is going to be the season she goes into a black hole of shame and despair? YES PLEASE!

Mackenzie is also on the bottom because she got tenth place, aww… As it goes on it looks like Chloe is going to be on top. YEAH GURL! Get it! Is Chloe going to be the Maddie of season 3?!

This week the girls are going to Chicago. I feel like Abby could eat at Next in Chicago TWICE and not be full. (Next is this restaurant that Anna went to that is super hard to get a reservation at and serves 13 course Italian meals. Jealous.) Sue, we all know I could eat Abby under the table any day.

Abby is going another Nia/So & So duet! I am so excited for this!

Zombie Zombie Zombie! (Sung to the tune of The Cranberries song)

Chloe gets punished for going to the doctor and doesn’t get a solo. Abby calls them “lazy and lifeless” and gives them a group number about zombies. I am so excited for this! Is she going to make the girls do bath salts before the competition? Is this dance an ode to the homeless guy who got his face eaten off?!

She puts Dr. Holly in charge of the costumes. So mean, Abby. Later in life they are going to be working really hard and only hearing Abby’s voice in their heads calling them lazy, telling them it’s not enough. Wait, no. That’s me with my mom’s voice. Dark. Sue, relax, Abby is just teaching them work ethic! (right??)

Sugar Baby

We find out that Melissa isn’t working at Abby’s front desk anymore because her mystery man is loaded and she doesn’t have to work any more. Can we see this guy already? Does he own a jerky outlet?

Note: Garden Herb Triscuits are too salty! Do not want! Sue, you should totally eat the Ranch flavored wheat thins, they are super salty but in the best way possible. Also, Carrie’s traditional snack is cheddar cheese on the rosemary triscuits, it’s so freaking good. I’m eating a bagel with cream cheese right now, and by bagel I mean toasted Italian bread.

I feel like Brooke is going to have arthritis by the time she’s 19.

Abby tries to convince Brooke to take voice lessons at the studio because she manages her. I feel like Abby is a schemer, a con-artist. I hate her. Ugh, I’m so glad she’s back. THIS FEELS LIKE HOME! I’d take Abby over Moe any day!

Abby tells Melissa that Maddie doesn’t have the fire or confidence anymore. She’s washed up before she hits the double digits in age! This is so sad for me, Anna, you guys all know how much I love Maddie. Melissa is such a shitty mom that she needs Abby to spend solo time with her daughter because she can’t.

What are these glimpses of adult classes at Abby Lee? Weird.

Ugh, Abby for sure hates Nia because she is making her do a duo with Mackenzie. It’s so below her age level. But awesome Nia doesn’t give a fuck. Best attitude, girl! Also, remember how sick their acro routine was last season? Come on Sue, it’s our two favorite dancers together!

Sing For Your Supper!

Brooke has a voice lesson with Cathy, who looks like the mean librarian at school who you think is a lezzy but then gets married in her 50s and adopts some kids from Asia. Except without the husband or kids. I’m not going to say Brooke sounds bad, because everyone said I was a bad singer when I was her age and now I can’t even do karaoke, but she sounds… like something else. She totes wants to be the new Carly Rae Jepsen, I’m totally digging that sound she wrote though! I LOVE SHITTY POP MUSIC.

Do you think it’s weird that I’m eating Triscuits and tuna for dinner? That’s a pretty standard dinner for me. Sue, I’m jealous of that dinner.

It really seems like Melissa isn’t Abby’s fave anymore because she is living the dream with a husbo and no job.

DANCE MOMS DRAMA! THIS IS WHY WE WATCH THIS:

Abby calls them lazy again and she gets mad that Paige’s chair isn’t to her exact specifications so she makes a Chuckie face and throws it on the ground and Kelly gives her the finger! Then she tries to pit Paige against Kelly. She is such a fucking abusive dad. So volatile. Kelly bursts and SHIT GETS REAL. She tells Abby her kids are leaving the studio (yeah right, yawn) and says, “Good luck paying your bills without my tuition.” And THEN my favorite moment of this entire series comes when Kelly tells her, “Stop eating! That’s why you’re fat.” THANK YOU, KELLY! Then she walks out. A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT! Abby says in her confessional, “Kelly’s a mean girl. She’s been a mean girl since she was a kid.” UM, POT KETTLE, MUCH?! Kelly says, “Abby is a 400 pound woman who scares my daughter. And that’s why she’s crying.” EXACTLY!

It really looks like things are falling apart in paradise and we couldn’t be more excited!!!

So of course Kelly brings Paige and Brooke back after the commercial break. Obvs.

Abby gives Maddie a pep talk and she really looks like she’s dead behind the eyes. Melissa comes in crying, trying to kiss Abby’s snowmobile sized ass. Maddie gets embarrassed and leaves. I remember when I used to play basketball at the Y on Friday nights and everyone else’s mom would wait outside when it was time for them to go but my mom used to come into the gym to get me. Oooh girl, I used to get so embarrassed. I getcha, Maddie. Doesn’t Abby understand that Maddie is fucked up because of her stupid mother?! Clearly she is going through so much shit at home, with her mom whoring herself out :( Poor Maddie!

Abby is super standoffish. It’s like she doesn’t care about Melissa, her lover, anymore. Melissa tries to tattle on the other girls and Abby sees right through that shit.

Abby yells at the bus driver, of course. Wait, they are taking a bus from Pittsburgh to Chicago? That must be like a million hour drive. Actually Sue, spoken as a true Chicagoan, it’s only around 6 hrs! Pittsburgh is halfway between NYC and Chitown!

Melissa tells Maddie she hates her face. Maddie tells Abby she wants to do her solo but she’s super wishy washy. Do you feel like Abby and Melissa broke up and they’re both trying to play cool? Everyone! Maddie is clearly depressed! Get this girl some help! Having the adults in her life (the maternal adults!) yell at her and tell her she’s not good enough cannot be good for this girl’s self esteem!

Abby registers Maddie and tries to bump Brooke and Paige. When she finds out Maddie is dancing, Kelly says she is pulling their solos. Kelly, a resentment is like pissing your pants: only you can feel it. You are only hurting them after they’ve practiced all week and travelled all that way. It stinks because Kelly has totally be in the right for everything up until now.

Chloe’s solo is beautiful. It’s lyricy and dark but not morbid. Chloing it is not a thing anymore! We need a term for Maddie blowing it! NO WE DON’T SUE. NO WE DON’T. #maddiefanclub4lyfe

Maddie’s solo is like, boring and pink and v. v. Maddie. THEN the music skips! Jesus, who still uses a CD? I should wear my orange lipstick tomorrow maybe. Maddie keeps dancing and the crowd goes wild. Ugh.

Ok guys, Sue and I have never been in more of a disagreement than we are now. I thought this dance was beautiful, so cathartic for Maddie, she is going through so much shit off the stage but the second she starts to dance everything is alright! Girl, I love you!

Nia’s duet is cute… But these cuts to Melissa in the audience make me want to barf. This woman is the worst person ever. First place for this duet obvi!

The zombie costumes and makeup are adorable. I love zombie stuff and the bruise pallette in general (black, grey, blue, purple.) Zombie glam is gorgeous. What an awesome dance.

WHAT! Quick cut to So and So screaming like a monster! I love her.

Then Abby and Kelly get in a fight in the dressing room. She calls her kids lazy.

UGH, THIS EPISODE IS AMAZING. 5 out of 5 Candy Apple’s!

Posted at 10:00am and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, abby lee, chicago, pittsburgh, dr. holly, gif, candy apple, dance, lyrical, zombie,.

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