Dance Moms Drama

Hey guys! Sue here. Do you believe what I just did? I roasted some brocooli and made myself some quinoa like a motherfucking monster. That’s what happens when you quit your dayjob out of nowhere with no life plan.

Guys, honestly, Anna did the recap last week so I didn’t watch the episode. I’m sorry! I think I was serving couscous to some finance guy or something. So, what I’m asking is, why was So and So in a wheelchair? Doesn’t matter. She’s at the bottom of the pyramid. Maddie is third and Kendall is second. Wow. I guess Mufasa’s bribes are finally working. Nia is at the top! Finally! I love her.

Listen, I was in Pittsburgh this weekend and I opened my stepdad’s fridge and I found some hot eggs. Pennsylvania is a weird ass place. (This should take u to a pic of hot eggs from my insta http://instagram.com/p/W4gyDqzGIk/)

The group number this week is about Rosa Parks and Abby is hemming and and hawing about giving her the role. Abby? NIA IS YOUR ONLY BLACK GIRL. You ain’t got no choice. Then she gets on Holly’s ass about her outfit? Bitch, you better go on because you out of yo damn mind.

Abby tells the girls that they ain’t working hard enough because they’re too concerned about their Instagram likes. THAT’S TRUE! I like your pics erryday! Also, I get so obsessed with my precious likes. OBSESSED.

Yes! It’s a Candy Apple’s episode. We get a shot of Vivi right away. And Cathy is wearing some 90s-era burgundy lipstick, like I know Anna likes. Cathy look just like Anna when we filmed that video. Did you guys all watch that?

Oh god, they’re doing a Candy Apple’s/Gangam Style dance. I honestly can’t think of anything more cliche. This morning I saw a Pistachios commercial with Psy and dancing pistachios and I just wanted to barf.

Abby is taking Holly shopping? What? How is ABBY a fashion authority? Mufasa tags along because she’s a conniving biotch. Of course she tries to get white little Kendall to play Rosa Parks. She don’t stop.

Cut back to Candy Apple’s! Vivi! Please drop some gold, Vivi. Please, oh please! Cathy gives her a ballet class and she looks more uncomfortable than my little brother at a Buddhist meditation retreat.

Honestly, if only you guys could see the gchat Anna and I are having right now. Hint: it has to do with your butt.

Abby gives Kendall a weird facial expression tutorial. I dunno. I just picture Abby making those faces in the mirror alone every morning, don’t you.

Abby finally gives Nia the Rosa Parks role after admitting she was just doing a mini little mindfuck. I have chili all over my mouth and quinoa all over my hands. I’m such a hippie sometimes.

Yo, you guys ever watch Mackenzie’s makeup tutorials? They are just adorable. Part of me thinks she really lacks supervision.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWXHGhz7XkY

I gotta tell you about this epic nap I took at about 5pm today. I slept for like, 45 minutes. Then I woke up and I had no idea what time it was or where I was. One of those. Cats all over me. Perfect.

Why does Cathy Candy Apple’s have guest choreographers every week? She cain’t do that shit on her own? Abby never does. She fights with him and it’s pretty great because he tells her she’s a phony.

Oh! Also, my friend was dogsitting this chocolate lab today and I looked into her eyes and I swear I saw God.

Cathy gets a plaque from a City Councilman and Vivi dances like a monkey and I almost wet myself. GIF REQUEST PLS! She is even wearing a coat like that Ikea monkey. Anyway, this whole Councilman thing looks incredibly staged. And YES! Christi points out the grammatical apostrophe mistake. FINALLY, AN ALLY!!!!!

Cut to Cathy and Vivi at a place called Alterations by Shelly. Ugh, Candy Apples is SO low budge. I don’t know why she makes her try on all the boys costumes. Also, she asks Vivi if she knows what Wall Street is and then tell her it was a movie? Um, no. Idiot.

The girls’ costumes are too slutty. Sorry. I said it. Not age appropriate at all.

You guys watching Preacher’s Daughters? Worth it?

I do like this guest choreographer at the Candy Ap’s though. “You missed your cue? Why? It’s showtime.” He’s so right. When it’s showtime, nothing else matters.

Hello!! Anna here, taking over this last half of the recap because let’s face it—these 2 hour episodes are INTENSE! I have so many opinions and feelings about this episode right now, I can’t wait to write about it!! Also, if you haven’t seen it yet, this is Sue and I as Abby and Cathy, please enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIWGfZxxKLY

Sorry, I know I’m plugging our video again but I just can’t help it when Cathy’s here!!

JILL IS THE WORST PERSON EVER. MUFASA IS THE WORST!! CATHY IS THE WORST MOTHER EVER! Also, I hate Candy Apple’s but I love K-Pop more than anything! I’m sorry, I’ve just been holding it in the past hour, I’m so happy I can let it out.

Alright, back to the recap.

Ok, I cannot believe this scene with Cathy and Vivi. Why is she making Vivi try on these terrible costumes? I don’t understand why she’s dressing Vivi up like a terrorist?! The camo hat, the bandana over her face, and the horribly ugly “nice suit” reminds me of the terrorists from Zero Dark Thirty. Which was a terrifying movie btw.

Chloe and Paige look like ultimate prostitutes. But they also look fabulous. Those costumes are PERFECT for instagram!

Costumes tonight are literally amazing. All of these girls look like the black ladies in church from “The Help” with those little hats.

OMG Cathy has hired bodyguards. This is hilarious. When my little brother came into town I felt like I had a bodyguard. He’s 230lbs and 6 ft tall and he was always waking one step behind me bc he doesn’t know New York. It was a really nice feeling.

Poor So and So can’t handle doing all of these girls make up! But when it comes down to it, looks like all she’s doing is lipstick. Mufasa is such a BITCH.

Kendall’s Solo:

First off, great costume. Seriously this episode has the best costumes ever! I mean sure, she’s doing some of the faces Abby taught her but she still looks dead inside. Poor girl has had her soul sucked out by Mufasa! Ok. But that wink at the end was totally adorbs. I don’t know how to wink. Everytime I try people think I’m having a stroke.

Maddie’s Solo:

I love how LES MIS her costume is! She is a goddamn beautiful dancer. Seriously, tears get in my eyes when I see her dance. It’s truly beautiful. Just look at her face, it is 1000x more expressive than Kendall’s. I’m sorry Kendall, but you have a lot to learn from this beautiful dancer. Maddie I love you!!! Haha Cathy couldn’t even look up to watch the dance, what a BIATCH!

Jaylin? sp? Solo:

He looks like a mini stripper. His dad is a piece of work, shouting like he’s at a football game. I’m sure he wanted his kid to play football so badly. OMG he actually started stripping! Cathy calls it a “costume change” but when you take off a big part of your costume and throw it on the stage, well, that’s called stripping Cathy!

Wow, this is so sad, after the dance he’s beating himself up. Poor guy! You’re a great dancer, you’re just stuck with a horrible woman as your dance teacher! Switch to team Abby!!

Why does Kelly keep saying no to the duet? Just shut up and blow your nose Kelly!

The Duet:

Ok, Paige and Chloe are stunning. They could be twins for sure! The dance was good, but it is kind of crazy how much more advanced Chloe is than Paige. Don’t get me wrong, Paige is an amazing dancer! But Chloe makes it look so much easier. I miss Chloe’s solos.

OMG the shot of these bodyguards monitoring the Candy Apple’s pep talk cracked me up.

Gangam Group Dance:

This is a weird remix of Gangam Style. I personally would have enjoyed it way more if they actually did the Gangam Style dance, oh wait! There’s a little bit in there!! Ok, Jaylin is awesome. Those ridiculous glasses, he’s adorable! He’s like that group’s little So and So.

Rosa Parks Group Dance:

I cannot take this little hats! I hope none of them fall off! They need to beat those boys! This dance is beautiful, Nia is wonderful. Both at dancing and acting. I thought the whole dance was beautiful! But Brooke meandering aimlessly was a little awkward… I really hope they still get first place though!

Jaylin is such a cocky lil boy, thinking he’s going to win while he got 6th.

Kendall got 2nd and Maddie got 1st. Perfect!

Chloe and Paige got 1st place!!!!!!! Thank god! Now Kelly won’t kill herself!!

Also, this whole eat crow bit is too much for me.

Rosa Parks got first place! Wooohoooo!! Seriously, that dance was amazing. Here is a bootleg copy of it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2XdAxBrh2Q

OMG now the Dance Moms are plotting their revenge on the Candy Apple’s to gloat this is ridiculous.

Cathy tells them to suck in their guts haha I love how the one time she actually “needs them” the bodyguards are nowhere to be found.

This episode gets 5 out of 5 apples. Cathy + amazing costumes + amazing dancing! I’m sold!

Could have used more Vivi though …oh well!

Posted at 11:04am and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, dance, lifetime, Dance competition, maddie ziegler, chloe luksiak, nia, pennsylvania, pittsburgh, candy apple, candy apples, cathy, aldc, ohio, ViVi, paige hyland, brooke hyland,.

March 6th 2013

Season 3, Episode 10 Recap

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Hi guys! How’s it going? My boyfriend was drinking milk before bed and he left it out all night and I’m so grossed out. Is it still good? Should I put it back in the fridge? Cow’s milk is just the nastiest stuff.

Pyramid. Abby is getting on everyone’s dicks for not doing the right choreography but it was an improvised show anyway so wtf? Kenzie’s has fierce face in her new headshot. She could be on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Little Kenzie gets a solo! Aww do they BOTH have braces?

Hot-ass Nick is coming back to do the group number! Brooke is the female lead and I think Abby is trying to make a little love connection.

Kelly says her first love is dead… Um, I don’t think we’ve had backstory on this ever. SO WTF? Then they go on a dating website to try to find someone for Abby? Yo, do you think Abby’s a virgin? I get the feeling that she’s never had love in her life.

You guys, I’ve been getting back into one of my fave reality TV shows, Ruby, on Netflix. OMG she is just the best. It’s one woman’s journey to lose weight. Apparently she is still a virgin. Not because she couldn’t get a guy— she had dumb old Denny for eight years— but because she’s saving herself for marriage. I mean, Denny is ok and I understand having that chemistry with someone. He just seems so sketchy.

Then Abby does some grind moves and it’s hilarious. GIF REQUEST PLS. Also, I love this new, emotionally vulnerable Abby. I love watching Abby and the Moms get along!

The Moms bring a limo for Abby to go to her speed dating and Abby says she won’t come if Christi’s there. I get it. She feels emotionally threatened by Christi. And this is going to be a vulnerable place so she doesn’t want to feel like she’s gonna get teased. Abby likes guys that are worldly and tells the moms she’s dating a guy right now. Amazing. Even though it’s a tragedy, I sort of feel like Broadway Baby dying was the best thing that could have happened to her because she’s so much more open.

Abby’s first question to her potential match is, “Do you own your own tuxedo?” I LOVE LOVE LOVE that that’s the first thing she wants to know about someone. Who ASKS someone that? Sheesh. She is like an elderly drag queen on the inside.

Her second is, “How many times have you been to Disneyworld.” ALSO AMAZING. The first guy is like too edgy for her. But Carl, the second guy is sweet. And Abby gives him a creepy wink which is PRICELESS.

Jill says, “It would be great if Abby finds love because it would make our lives a whole lot easier.” What she means is, “ABBY NEEDS TO GET THAT DICK ASAP SO SHE CAN CHILL OUT.”

Oops, I tuned out for a minute because I was getting my calendar together for the next few months. BECAUSE I AM SO IMPORTANT. J/k I quit my job waiting tables and now that shit IS BLANK except for all the freakin weddings I have to go to this summer. Just WAIT until all your friends get to be that age. You will have to go to SO MANY weddings. You think it’s gonna be cool but then it’s the most boring shit ever. And the bachelorette parties? Don’t even get me started. You want us to all sit around and watch you open presents from your registry that we SAW WHEN WE WERE BUYING YOUR PRESENT? Oh hell naw. This is the only reason I want to get married someday. My friends all owe me.

Anyway, Abby wants a ring from this gay guy in California. I actually think that would be her soulmate. A gay guy would be a perfect match for her because they all have tuxes. I don’t mean that in a racist way. I’m jealous.

Aww, the dresses for this group number are so traditional and beautiful. I just love ballet culture. I’m personally rhythmically challenged, but I’m fascinated by people who have that in them.

Nia is sick with bronchitis. This ain’t good. You guys, I’m going to go to this Vinyasa class today and it’s going to be life-changing. I’ve been going to Om Factory in Union Square and doing their aerial classes too. I swear. Straight up life changing.

So-and-so’s solo is very dramatic and like, emotional and grown-up. It was perfect. Hey do you think Melissa got extensions too? Her hair looks fuller and thicker.

Jill takes Kendall in the hall to give Kendall a secret private. What a little snake. I kind of love her scheming. Nia and Kendall’s duet is so weird. Like, they totally interperted the song literally. The lyricsa are about diging deeper so she gvae them hardhats and shovels. Nia gives great face though.

Maddie’s solo is pretty and very Maddie. The group number is SO SO musical theater. You guys loved Les Mis, right? Even though we’re comedians we LOVED it.

Maddie gets second place and so does the group number. Abby is pissed. Listen Abby, I would just like to get second place in one thing. To stand out enough to the point where someone takes me aside and says, “You almost did it. You beat out all of these people and you were almost the best. You’re really talented and you stand out. Here’s a medal.” I would LOVE that!!!!

This episode gets 3 out of 5 candy apples.

Posted at 1:26pm and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, abby lee miller, gif, candy apples, dance, dance competition,.

February 21st 2013

11 notes |#

RARE FOOTAGE OF CATHY AND ABBY LEE MILLER!

Written and Performed by Anna Callegari & Sue Smith

Directed by Dan DeLorenzo

DP Zack Bornstein

Thanks to UCB, Carrie Watt, Douglas Widick

Posted at 11:06am and tagged with: anna callegari, sue smith, dance moms, abby's ultimate dance competition, dance, lifetime, abby lee miller, cathy, candy apples, funny, sketch, parody, dan delorenzo,.

January 29th 2013

Season 3, Episode 5 Recap

4 notes |#

It’s Anna here, and my roommate still smells and I just ate a whole bunch of chocolate almond butter cookies and I’m literally bouncing off the walls!!!!!! Wheeeeeeee.

WOW Just reminding all of you NYC people to catch our show about reality tv this Valentine’s Day! Link for tickets is here!

We are so excited for this show, and on Friday we are actually shooting a video for the show about CATHY AND ABBY! We cannot wait to show you guys!

Ok, so pumped for this show to START WOOOOOOOO Is that lil chick coming back to twirl her f-ing baby face off?!?!?! She better be! Also, the fact that Cathy and Vivi are still in the opening gives me SO MUCH HOPE.

Woah. Looks like Kendall and Maddie got second place. Oooops! I wonder how this will effect the pyramid?!?!!?

Christi looks like an ex-showgirl in that sparkly outfit. Mufasa looks like a washed up cokehead from Studio 54. Kind of like the Mike Myers character? Anyone watch that movie? It’s great.

I’m so happy to see a lot of the girls without make-up! All of you girls are beautiful! We love seeing your beautiful faces!

Kendall and Maddie and Nia ON THE BOTTOM
Paige and Chloe IN THE MIDDLE
So and So is ON TOP!!! Love that chick. Her teeth are so cute, mine looked like that before I got braces. Braces were the worst.

So looks like we have two replacements coming in, Katie and Bella—they look like adults. My friend babysits this kid named Tyler and he looks like a manchild. Seriously. He’s four but he has the face of an adult and he is too big for a stroller. It’s the creepiest shit. We gave him a cookie the other day and he was like, “NOM NOM NOM.”

Ok, Christi totally has a weave. Anyway, I cannot wait for this contortionist routine. It seems vaguely racist. Abby’s forte!

Jesus christ Mufasa, your outfit is bad enough why add that heinous boa?

Guys. I’m really regretting eating all of those cookies. They are not sitting well. My eye is also twitching. I’m like a freaking baby when it comes to sugar! Don’t even let me NEAR some Haribo.

Melissa is confronting Abby blah blah blahh

HOLY SHIT. Do you guys remember Skipper from Sex and the City Season 1? He was Carrie’s weird friend that was in love with Miranda. He is in a COMMERCIAL now. Acting careers always make me sad.

More shots of the girls doing acro, less shots of the moms complaining about bullshit!

Chlo gets a solo! I hope she doesn’t Chlo it …

Maddie’s got braces! Clear braces! Aww she’s adorable!!

OMG. Abby is crying to Maddie, Maddie is crying to Abby. This is so much drama, I feel terrible for the both of them. Maddie was Abby’s protege! Sue, I know you’re going to hate me for saying this, but I feel awful for Abby! I love that woman right now! I love Maddie! So many emotions! So many cookies that I ate! Sue here. I think Abby was totally actor crying to manipulate Maddie. Just makes me hate her more.

What kind of accent does Mufasa have? I don’t understand her. Also, do these women go to specialty stores that specialize in the ugliest patterns in the world? Melissa’s bangs look like she’s an extra from one of the “Back to the Future” movies OR DJ Tanner.

OOOOH the replacements are competing against us! Guys, how sick are you of the name Bella? So sorry if that’s your name, but COME ON! It’s EVERYWHERE right now.

So and So is doing her solo first, YGG you can do it! Oh no, she forgot her dance! She’s so freaking adorable it’s ok, love! Oh look, she has braces too!! The Ziegler girls have braces! I love them both more than anything, even myself.

Oooh, her mom says, “She is not Maddie.” That’s so mean.

WTF is with Abby’s sea rope necklace? It’s like she’s a barge being tied to the pier. She loves nautical themed jewelry. I am one catty bitch in today’s recap I apologize! It was the cookies!

There’s some drama in the hallway with the Bellas and their ages. Christi has a good punchline about how Cathy’s dancers looked like they were 27 so it’s ok. I’m so tired. I just want to watch an episode of Catfish and pass out. I love that show. It’s like, “Marry me!” “We’ve been talking for two years but I never did a Google Image Search because I want to lie to myself!” “AGHHHHHH!!!! You’re a fat troll!!!!”

Both Kaeli and Bella do weird things with their hands and feet—the ALDC is way better trained in technique than these dummy Studio Bleu girls.

Chloe’s costume is gorgeous except for that weirdass head shawl. What is with that?

Bella does an ok job. Eh. GO CHLO! GO CHLO! I personally think Chloe is better than the other girls. But we will see…

Abby just tore Melissa and her family a new one. WOAH. Hey Abby? Melissa’s personal life is none of your business and you’re being VERY unprofessional right now. You’re like evil incarnate. You’re like if Satan swallowed the Kool-Aid man and then started breathing fire.

Melissa? It IS ok for Maddie to cry. She’s a kid and she’s hurt. Let her feel her feelings.

The Studio Bleu group number is kind of a snoozer. Abby loves it though. PAIGE has braces, too!!!! The ALDC group number is beautiful. I love the stage picture. This is probs my favorite group number they’ve ever done, even though it’s vaguely racist. Vacist?

So and So gets third! Still good! Chlo gets second place? Lame. Studio Bleu Kaeli beats her. OMG, Arabian Nights gets FOURTH PLACE. OUTRAGE!!!! Studio Cordon Bleu gets first. This show is so staged. So staged… Anyway.

Abby tells Christi to stop making excuses for her kid because she’s in school. She’s fucking ridiculous. Christi calls her a fatty over and over again. It’s PRICELESSSSSSS. Poor Chlo gets so sad. And Christi gets another great punchline…. Ooh, Cathy Candy Apple’s is back next week!

This episode gets four out of five andy apples because it’s just amazing.

Posted at 11:18pm and tagged with: candy apples, dance moms, dance, abby lee miller, chloe, maddie ziegler,.

January 23rd 2013

Season 3, Episode 4 Recap

2 notes |#

Good morning everyone! Anna and I have something big to announce!

We wrote a new comedy show about our love of reality television called Dumb & Famous. It debuts at 6:30pm on Valentine’s Day at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theatre. If you’re in NYC, check it out!!!

We would love nothing more if the beautiful ladies who read this blog could make it to our show—we even have a sketch about Abby and Cathy!!!!

ANYWAY,
Chloe is at the bottom of the pyramid because she forgot her solo. So are Nia and Mackenzie. Abby is rocking some Dynasty hair today. Like she used some Dep gel on that shit.

She puts Maddie and Kendall in the middle, not before comparing them to Sophia, who’s at the top of the pyramid. Brooke ain’t in the pyramid but her ombre looks beautiful!

You guys, my cat isn’t eating her wet food. She’s just sitting by the heater like a weirdo. Should I be scared? It’s cold outside. Maybe she just cold. Speaking of which, I was gonna try to go to a boot camp class in an hour but it’s TEN DEGREES OUT.

Their solo is about immigrants. I dunno, isn’t that racist because everyone’s an immigrant? Unless you’re a Native American. Man I wish I was a Native American. I have this friend who is, and she wanted to take a photography class so she called up her tribe and was like, “Hey can I have some money?” And they were like, “NP, homie.” WHERE DO I GET A TRIBE?

What was I talking about? My lips are so chapped. They’re gross.

Speaking about boats, can we talk about Les Mis? OMG! Anne Hathaway. WHAT. AN. ACTOR!!! I LOVE On My Own. AND, sadly, I related so much to that slave song. I wait tables for a living, soooo…. OMG Sue you KNOW I could go on and on about Les Mis. It was pure therapy for me, bc I was clearly going through some shit when I saw it. I could not stop crying and IT FELT GREAT.

Melissa is fake as shit. Mufasa asks her if Maddie is sad that she doesn’t have a solo and she gets this high-pitched voice and says she’s happy to have a duet.

OMG there’s a shot of Abby’s house and it is NOT that spectacular!!! She makes the moms come over to clean out her garage and look for some props and they find a dead rat. I’m gagging.

So and So! So cute! Lemonade. I love when she sings that song. Abby gets Melissa to admit she ain’t happy Maddies is doing a duet with Kendall, info that she uses against her because she is a dumb snake.

You guys read this book? So sad! I was reading it on the subway last night and I got off the train but I had to sit there, in the station, in the cold, to finish it. Then I cried the whole walk home. Then I told my boyfriend I loved him.

OMG Sue stop. At least you HAVE a boyfriend to tell you love him too, all I have is a smelly roommate. Sorry if you’re reading this right now, but you smelly.

Anyway, they’re going to North Carolina on a bus. Ugh, that’s probably the longest bus ride. Then they get the cheering section again when they enter. TEN DEGREES!!!!! STFU!!!

Mackenzie’s solo is adorable but then a little sexy for a minute. That’s weird. That makes me feel like a creep for watching. She rocks it and her head pieces doesn’t fall out. Paige’s costume is amazing. Right up my alley because purple is my favorite color. Except, last year I bought this purple North Face and I kind of regret getting that color because it doesn’t match with ANYTHING. I mean, the logic was, “Everyone in NYC has a boring black coat. I want something different.” But now I look like Grimace.

NO! Sue, that coat is adorbs!

Then Abby tells Melissa her ex-husband said she was two faced. That’s some below the belt shit. Then Mufasa freaks out and gets Kendall all stressed. Their duet is great though. Love those PK turns!

So and So gets first place!!! And Paige gets third! The duet gets first and Abby says it’s because they were looking at Maddie and not Kendall. That makes me sad on the inside. These girls deal with so much criticism from Abby.

OH MY GOD! Before the group number, they’re warming up with Crazy Eights! That is the number one improv warm-up ever. The group number is… eh… I don’t get it. For some reason it gets first place. Anna, can you weigh in here? Yes I can. First of all, there is no way they get first place at EVERY competition. Do you think Abby has it in their contract that they can only air episodes where they get first place? Or maybe Lifetime pays off the judges? Let us know what you think girls!

This episode get three apples.

Posted at 10:09am and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, candy apples, ziegler, melissa, maddie, mufasa, dance, dance competition, lifetime, pittsburgh, grimace, candy, apple,.

January 2nd 2013

Season 3, PREMIERE RECAP

11 notes |#

Hi guys! We missed you! Ugh, how boring was Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition?! So glad the DRAMA is back!

First of all, we want you to know that we’re writing a show about our love of reality TV. We’re so excited and can’t wait to tell you more once it’s finished. Hint: Sue is playing Honey Boo Boo and Anna is playing Cathy Candy Apple’s.

Okay, Sue here. I watched the reunion special for a hot minute. (Sidenote: my boyfriend and I have been in a Homeland k-hole and now I’m so paranoid. EVERYONE IS A SPY. Does anyone else watch that show? Angela Chase is so intense!) I’m pretty sure that Abby’s a lezzie from the way she answers the first question. (I don’t mean it in a negative way. I just want to bring “lezzie” back from the 90s because it’s funny.) Also, Abby’s feet are on a box! HAHAHA she must be so little! AND I think she’s wearing Fitflops. People think you won’t notice if you wear those things, but we notice. We always do. Does Abby look like she lost weight to anyone else? Mazel.

Anna here! For a second I thought that Abby was sitting on a body pillow and then I realized it was just her back. Also, Abby has a boyfriend?! We need to see more of him. SO much more! Also, WHO in the world did they get to ask these questions? I could have really used the make up artist that spackled make up onto these dance moms’ faces yesterday. When I woke up after NYE I looked in the mirror and screamed! Then I ordered a crab cake sandwich and I’ve literally had food in my mouth ever since. My New Year’s diet doesn’t start till February!!!!!!

All the moms are so Hollywood now with their extensions. Hair done, nails done, everything did. Nia does a death drop. Awesome! Why is Cathy Candy Apple’s still on this show? She tells those “broads” to shut up and FINALLY someone calls her out on her grandma lingo. Also, she’s wearing those Roman sleeves. Dance Moms love a good Roman Sleeve.

I cannot watch anymore of this reunion.

LET’S GET TO THE PREMIERE!

Abby’s not doing a pyramid because Kelly doesn’t show up. GOOD, KELLY! YGG! Abby’s pissed because the kids just wanted to go be kids over the summer and catch crayfish and stuff. Crayfish are gross. I can’t believe people in Louisiana eat those things. Also, when I went to New Orleans in high school, we took a swamp tour and the guide called rats “swamp bunnies.” Gross.

Side note: I saw Django Unchained (loved it) the other day at Union Square theater and RATS RAN PAST MY FEET. Seriously, there were a troop of about 6 rats just running—and Sue, they didn’t look nothing like bunnies. Also Sue, I think crayfish are delicious. With enough cajun seasoning, I’ll eat anything.

Chloe looks like she’s getting taller. Man I wish I was tall. It’s so easy to look fat when you’re short. Chloe is like a beautiful tiny giraffe girl.

There’s all this drama about Kelly not showing up. (Ugh, I’ve MISSED the DM music man! He feels like home.) Abby decides to hold fake auditions (you know Lifetime casted these people) and homegirls come from all over the country. (What happened to that girl with the shit-starter mom last season? You know which one we mean.) All these moms start fighting in the viewing room. TACKY!

Brooke does have a slight ombre situation going on and a body wave. Looks good, girl! I’m a big fan of the ombre. (Guys, Sue just got the more beautiful ombre.) Kelly’s debating whether or not to leave the studio and the girls aren’t sure. I hope they come back because they’re awesome!

Kendall gets the first solo of the season. Borrrrrrring. Did you guys all remember to pay your rent today? Or are you too young for that? Do you have any New Year’s resolutions? I’m just going to try to be more assertive and be present in every moment. I future trip a lot. Right now is a total gift and who knows what will happen next week? Sue thanks for reminding me to pay my rent. I pray to god the check clears.

I hate to say it but Kendall is kind of a baby. She goes crying to Jill when Abby yells at her. NONE of the other girls would do that. Okay, in this episode Abby looks like she’s wearing a goddamn tent. People could camp inside of her for a weekend. Not me, though. I don’t like the outdoors. Too unpredictable.

The new moms arrive and Abby chooses this girl named Allie who’s 13. Jesus, she’s practically a college student!

OLD WOMAN! (super cute though)

OMG shot of Vivi and Cathy Candy Apple’s eating sundaes. I love Vivi so much. She deserves a spin-off. Apparently Cathy’s whole team left after they lost at nationals. Now she’s going to have a casting too, obvs, and wants an all-boy team. CATHY AND HER SCHEMES!

Allie’s mom, Shelly, looks so innocent. Just you wait, Shelly. Just wait until they crush your soul and shit on your dreams. That was dark. Melissa and Dr. Holly get so mad that Allie gets Chloe’s part. You know what, people? THIS IS SHOW BUSINESS. Sometimes people are gonna get more lines than you and better parts than you. THAT’S THE NATURE OF THE BEAST. If you get pissed off about all the times you think someone’s wronged you, you’re going to be a miserable person with a lot of resentments. And if you have resentments you’ll get wrinkles. You just will.
UNLESS you had shitty, oily skin as a child. The oily your skin was when you’re a kid, the nicer it looks when you’re an adult. Seriously. If you have acne right now, you’re gonna be a stunna when you’re 50 and your idiot friends with perfect skin look 75.

Allie is from New Orleans. This is never going to work. Didn’t you see Sleepless in Seattle? Sue, I think we need to talk about romantic comedies starring Meg Ryan. EVERYTHING ALWAYS WORKS OUT IN THE END!

So and So gets a solo! Yay! I love her so much. Also, in the last scene Abby had huge blue talons and in this one her nails are red, SOOOO reality tv is fake maybe a little. I just got nauseous. Sue, I just had a mini melt down where I ran around my apartment, and then I discovered we had bacon and I calmed down just a little.

Holly tells Abby she ain’t god and Abby’s shocked. Funny, because I pray to a fat little dude that looks just like her.

Abby and Shelly go to a bakery to get cupcakes. Abby better lay off the cup n’ cakes before she gets the ‘beetus and has to cut off her fingies. She’s halfway there already. THE JOKES, THEY WRITE THEMSELVES!!!!

They get to Denver and Abby won’t tell Dr. Holly whether or not they’re going to perform the group number. She just loves to mess with these moms. She loves it. Sidenote: I CAN’T WAIT FOR HONEY BOO BOO TO COME BACK. SHE IS A TREASURE.

The Dance Moms are hyenaing Shelly to death. I feel bad for her! Also, Jill cut it out with the leopard prints Mufasa!!

Maddie! She’s grown up so much! Her solo is beautiful. These girls always wear blue costumes. My psychic friend told me you should always wear blue because it attracts wealth. So… like mother like daughter. Maddie is already looking for a “wealthy benefactor.”

Speaking of wealthy benefactor’s have any of you guys seen Revenge? I’m obsessed with this show. I’ve seriously watched two seasons in the past week, HELP!!

Christi gives Chole a pep talk in the hallway and we cut to a shot of Abby breathing through her mouth, checking her texts on her blinged-out phone. I love this show.

Chloe’s solo is gorgeous and she DOES look she’s dancing from her heart. She’s really in the moment. YGG! We could all learn something from her. Of course, she gets an ass-reaming from Abby for messing up the choreography. Christi calls Abby dead inside and she is SPOT ON.

Abby’s high school friend, Mark, shows up. Randomly. In Denver. The moms say Kelly stole him from Abby back in the day but he seems a little like, hmm… Like he goes to Broadway shows and gets manicures in Chelsea.

Mark is gay!

Apparently Abby HAS lost some weight. I wonder where she works out. Probably on an ab roller in her living room. SUE. Don’t underestimate an ab roller. My parents have one and I cry everytime I try to use it. It’s hard! mmmmm. bacon.

Kendall’s solo is… fine. The group number is good. It looks weird with Allie, the one tall girl, and the other young ones. Actually, it’s really inspiring. Demons are cooler anyway, Christi.

The girls all pray that So and So doesn’t forget her solo. It’s nice of them, but group praying is weird. So and So’s solo is cute! But her bow fell off and and she goes offstage and starts crying. Aww, I feel so bad for these girls. She wins first place!!!

My cat is eating tape. She’s so dumb sometimes.

For a season premiere this was delicious. We could have used more clips of Vivi eating things though, so we’re going to give this episode 3 out of 5 candy apples.

WELCOME BACK GUYS!! WE LOVE YOU!

Posted at 9:03am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, dance, moms, honey boo boo, gif, candy apples, ziegler sisters, abby lee miller, competition, funny, comedy, recap,.

September 13th 2012

SEASON FINALE RECAP!

9 notes |#

So we open up in LA, where Sue is :( I miss you SUZY!

Melissa almost loses her shit when Abby says 90210 bc she wants everyone to know what Abby’s going to say before she says it—must have heard about it in some pillow talk. We know you two hook up. Just be open about it already!

Now for the pyramid. Paige is still on the bottom bc she broke her goddamn foot, then Nia, then Chloe?! Crazy. Simba is higher than Chloe. This is weird … I’m sure Mufasa is going to lick an antelope’s bones clean in celebration later.

Then Brooke, then Mac. WTF Mac is higher than Brooke? Clearly the Ziegler sisters are on top because well let’s face it, Maddie is the shit. But Mac in second place? Melissa has been working it in the bedroom with Abby! I wonder what they do?!

The group number is called “my last text” oh great, another Abby preachy number.

Abby tells the girls that they’re not friends, they’re competitors. This is terrible. I don’t want to know what these girls are going to turn out to be like.

Ok, she’s counting on Maddie’s acting chops to win the group number … I see it.

The moms are bitching about their daughters blah blah blah. I just ate so many habenero almonds for breakfast wtf is wrong with me. Christi’s face when Chloe is talking about texting and driving is ridiculous. Christi is the master of the stank eye.

Kelly freaks when Abby doesn’t give Paige a dancing spot—I think it was brilliant bc PAIGE BROKE HER FOOT. Just let her rest!

Why the hell is Christi giving Chloe dance advice? She’s such a bitch! I’d like to see you try to do some of those moves ya big bitch!

I’m sure Holly is taking Nia out for ice cream and being super supportive right now. I love Nia and Holly. Also, Holly looks wonderful in turquoise.

Mac is doing another stupid flippy dance to a jive song. BUT WAIT. It’s the same music from Vivi’s asbergers bee routine. I’m sure that’s going to cause some dramz.

Cathy is coming to freak everyone out. Why are they even nervous? Cathy and her candy apple’s suck!

Brooke is doing the Anne Frank routine. Abby is full of DRAMZ.

Maddie is doing a lyrical routine about telling herself she’s back in the game. Ugh. More DRAMZ.

Wow. Abby just told Kelly she needs to take Paige to the doctor and check if she’s retarded or something?! What the hell. Abby took it way too far. Did she not realize that all the girls were in the room? Did she not understand how Paige would feel? Abby. That was terrible. I better hear an apology before this episode ends. Sure Kelly is super dramatic, but Abby WTF?!

Oh great, now Kelly thinks that she’s going to make Paige into a model. This photographer looks like a weirdo. What kind of photoshoot is this for? This is some weird kiddie porn stuff. She’s making super suggestive faces and she’s like 11. Also, that hair and fake eyelashes? Weird.

Mufasa is growling at Kendall ala Christi and Chloe. I’m so happy we haven’t seen Holly bitching at Nia yet.

Kelly is back. Ok, cool.

Abby asks the moms who gets the solo. And puts Melissa on the spot to make a tie breaker. And she chooses Nia! Woooooooo! Mufasa of course wants to chew her head off. Poor Kendall is sitting there crying. This is super sad. Chloe ends up getting the solo. Obviously. Why is this episode so sad?! Can some great stuff happen please!!! I can’t bear to see these girls get tortured any longer!!!!

Oh no. Is Chloe going to Chlo it again at Nationals? I’m sure Mufasa would love that. Why do they keep talking about Justice? Is he seriously a threat?

The Candy Apple’s are HERE. Finally! And what do you know? They’re at the same studio as Abby Lee AND she has another guest choreographer. Woof. Cathy has a hot dance mom! That red head in the hot pink shirt is super hot!

Woah. Cathy just comes in and disrupts their rehearsal. What is her problem? Also, what the hell is with Justice and Vivi falling in love in every dance? Gross. Ok turns out hot mom is Justice’s mom. And she wants in on Abby Lee’s studio. Oh crap!

“There should be blood on that dance floor tomorrow, blood on that stage, red beef jerky blood.”

BEST QUOTE OF THE ENTIRE SEASON.

Woah I can’t get over how hot Justice’s mom is! He better come to Abby Lee next season! He needs to rid himself of Vivi.

We’re at Nationals!

Maddie’s solo is stunning. It’s perfect. It really is.
Justice is covered in blood for his solo? Eh. It was weird and stupid.

Brooke’s Anne Frank number kicks ass. Woah. I’m so proud of her! And Kelly!

Mac’s doing the anti-vivi dance and she’s freaking out. Abby is such a bitch for using this cutie as a pawn in her nasty game. But she rocks it. Because she’s a Ziegler.

Chloe rocks the solo too! Abby Lee kicks ass!

Ugh the candy apple’s girls look like Cinderella sluts. Ummm what the hell is that group dance? I don’t understand anything that happened with it.

Holy crap. That last text number gave me chills. It was amazing.

MAC GETS SO MANY AWARDS! YAY! National title.

BROOKE DOES TOO! National title.

MADDIE AND CHLOE DO TOO! National titles.

Seriously, these girls are the shit.

And who wins the group dance? Obviously. Abby Lee.

This episode gets 5 out of 5 apples. Amazing.

Posted at 11:15am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, drama, dance, moms, mackenzie ziegler, maddie ziegler, abby lee miller, candy apples, justice, mufasa, lion, apples, los angeles, beverly hills, model, acting, dancing, anne frank, bumble bee,.

August 29th 2012

Season 2, Episode 24 Recap. WOAH NEW MOMMA!

2 notes |#

Ok gang. Sue just moved to LA for a month and I’m LOSING IT! I’ve been sitting here eating almond butter by the scoop, I’m pretty sure I’m capable of eating a whole jar. But then I’ll be constipated for a week!!!!

Anyways, this recap might be a little depressed because I miss my Suzy. But let’s get started!

The girls are goin’ goin’ back back to Cali Cali!!

Smart move Abby, putting the chick with the boot on the bottom of the pyramid. Durrrrrr.

We all know Kelly is going to take it personally that her daughters are on the bottom. Puh-lease.

Now Nia’s back in the middle. But with only Chlo and Maddie above her I think that’s still pretty good?

Woah, guys. I just started this paleo diet where you only eat food that cavemen ate, like meat, veggies, nuts, and fruit. And let’s just say that I’ve eaten so much protein that I could sit on a child and severely injure them.

These chicks are doing push ups!! Hard core!

Also, why is Paige dancing? This chick is never going to get better if she keeps dancing on a broken foot.

WE <3 Paige.

OOOOOH THE KIDS ARE IN AN INSANE ASYLUM TODAY!

I’m pumped for this. They’re all dancing like meth addicts which reminds me of Breaking Bad. Jeez, sometimes I wish this was Breaking Bad. But then I see So and So’s adorable face and realize why I’m watching!

Woah. They brought in a new chick! Kaya and her daughter Nicaya.

Holy crap. This new mom comes in and starts bashing the Abby Lee Dance Co. She mentions that the girls don’t have enough “diva-tude”—yeah, it’s because they’re boring and white.

KAYA IS A CRAZY BITCH AND I CANNOT WAIT. She also loves it when Abby yells at her.

I have no idea what is going to happen but I’m excited for it. I wish Sue was here! She’s staying at a place in LA that doesn’t have cable.

“She’s gonna learn how to spell these stupidass dance terms.” Jeez I love this woman.

Finally they mention Brooke’s song! It’s so good. Also, if Paige was her hype girl I would love it.

Woah. Kendall is super racist. She just said that instead of “Nini” which is Nicaya’s nickname, she’s going to call her Laquifa. Wow. SIMBA IS A BITCH.

Kaya says that she’s a lesbian. Ok, she’s pretty amazing. But it’s also very sad that she has to raise four children on her own :( No wonder she’s f-ing crazy.

I think about it all the time! About how my mom is crazy because we never had a nanny growing up. The fact that she raised three kids by herself made her crazy because we were nightmares. I love ya mom, but yer cray cray!

So verdict is Paige can dance, but she can’t do tricks. I really hope that this doesn’t severely mangle her foot forever.

So Abby makes Kaya come to LA even though Nini isn’t going to dance. This was clearly a producer decision because we all know Kaya is ready to blow at any moment.

KAYA PICKED UP A GAY VIBE FROM MELISSA! This is what we’ve been saying all along, thank you Kaya!

Mufasa is f-ing crazy. Get her off the show please. And that high voice? Yuck.

Seeing Abby dance for Nia finally makes it click. No wonder she’s such a freak about all the girls knowing their terms! It’s because she can’t show them how to do it!

Nia’s solo looks like it’s going to be awesome though.

So and So is getting old. Her one lines aren’t as good as they used to be.

Why the hell is Abby pitting Paige and Nini against each other? Poor Paige is in pain and I feel so bad for her :( Also, I feel bad for Nini because she’s getting played!

“I want Nini to take out Brokeback Brooke and Pegleg Paige …” This woman writes comedic gold.

When Abby loses her voice it makes me anxious and uncomfortable. Stop screaming! Also, drink some tea or some water or something.

Chloe’s Solo

Eh. It’s a little boring. Her costume is cool I guess? Her turns were cool? But what is with this song?

Nia’s Solo
I love Holly’s face whenever Nia dances. Also, Nia is adorable. Her attitude is my favorite! Also, that afro in the confessional was badass! I love Nia. TEAM NIA!

Mac’s Solo

What is with the continued close up of that one judge with the glasses? Also, MAC! Those crazy flip things that you did were awesome! But I’m kind of agreeing with Kaya. These girls don’t have much personality.

Abby is being a beyotch about this group number. I can’t believe she had both girls get into costumes and then dance it out against each other pretty much. This is so sad.

It’s nice that Abby gave both of them a chance to be in this batshit crazy dance …

Awards

Mac got third place! Yay. But I want to see her do something besides acro.

Nia got tenth place?! WTF. NIA WAS ROBBED.

Chlo got fifth?

I know why solos didn’t place high. It’s because Abby was so focused on the group routine, but it paid off because it got first place!

Kaya’s f-ing crazy. I actually hate it. I also love Holly, way to stand up for yourself!

This episode gets 2 out of 5 apples. Because even though Kaya is a cool addition, the episode was a little boring …

Posted at 11:38am and tagged with: mom, dance mom, kaya, maddie ziegler, mackenzie ziegler, chloe, nia, holly, kendall, jill, abby lee, abby lee miller, lifetime, dance moms, dance, competition, jazz, contemporary, candy apples,.

July 11th 2012

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?!?!?!? Recap (We LOVE them)

2 notes |#

Hi Friends! How was your Fourth of July? Anna and I went to a rooftop BBQ and she burned me with her cigarette and I felt weird and left!

Anna here. I feel awful. Guys, I’m a bad friend. Not only did I ACCIDENTALLY burn Sue, I also convinced her that it was a good idea to eat two bacon wrapped hotdogs. Sue is a vegan you guys! I’m the worst person in the world. So part of my portion of this recap will now be transformed into my love letter to the one and only Sue Smith.

Anyway, looks like we’re going to have a great episode tonight. CANDY APPLE’S ARE BACK!

Abby starts off the episode yelling about something. They’re going to Ohio and Abby says she’s going to make them into apple pie. Gross. And they are going to be the ice cream? I’d much rather be the crust. I love pie crust.

I wonder if I should have some more food for dinner? I took this intense yoga class and then I left and I felt all high and there was a street fair so I had a Mozzarepa? What? I don’t know. I’m gaining weight.

Sue, you are beautiful no matter what you eat.

Abby puts Brooke on probation for going to her school dance and BEING A NORMAL KID. That flashback of her asking to go to the dance is so messed up, what is this kid’s accent?! Why does she sound like a sad cat?! Brooke has a weird voice. I’m sorry but she does.

So and So is back on the bottom for chewing gum. She doesn’t even have teeth! Paige is also on probaysh but she’s closer to the top of the pyramid. Paige gets a solo to compete against Kendall. Maddie is on top of the pyramid twice because she won two competitions in one day. UGH.

Can we talk about the hair this week? IT IS GREAT! The Abby Lee Dance Company is having an 80s moment and we love it! Also the leos are super 80s as well. What is going on?!

Abby puts in three of her older girls as ringers to beat Cathy. These girls are mad PA, yo. You see that French Braid?

Speaking of hair, I’m so happy that Cathy has updated her look and gotten rid of that Kate Gosselin thing. Mufasa says Cathy is over Kendall.

THEY ARE DOING AN ASIAN PIECE?! Vivi is the Asian princess?! OMG I cannot wait to see this. Also, Ohio is spackling the make up on their girls. Remember in the “King and I” when they did an “oriental version” of “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”? That’s what this reminds me of.

She brings in guest choreographers from… where? Frankly, I wish Tommy were choreographing because no one jerks it like Tommy. Is this even in the rules? Can you bring in other choreographers?! I feel like this is going to end up like in “Bring It On” when everyone uses Ian Roberts and end up having the same dance! How many Asian dances are going to be in Akron?!?!?

Christi and Kelly are going to lunch. PLEASE CAN WE SEE THEM GETTING WASTOID? Kelly wants to change Paige’s choreography. THAT’S A DUMB IDEA!

How old do you think Cathy Candy Apple’s is? I say mid to late- 50s. She looks old for her age.

Sue will never look old, she has beautiful skin! I have a zit from where my glasses hit my cheek and it kind of hurts. Zits that hurt can suck it am I right?!

Cathy rehearses with Kendall and it seems like the honeymoon is over. Cathy is so over Kendall. Also, we’re so over Mufasa.

Fake eyelashes are a pain in the ass to wear. I feel so bad for these poor girls at candy apples that wear fake eyelashes during rehearsal!!

Chloe is another bird— she’s an angry bird. Weird. Also, why was Christi getting so mad about it? Your daughter is a bird. Deal with it. Also, is this an ode to the fantastic iPhone game “Angry Birds”?? I hope so.

Kelly rehearses with Paige and decides to change her choreography. Oh no. No, no, no. This is not a good idea. If she knows Paige is going to get in trouble why is she making her do it? Does Paige have a body wave or what? Kiddie perm?

Sue has beautiful hair naturally. She thinks it’s getting thin, but I think it’s truly beautiful and her bangs always look pretty.

The competition is in like, the Akron ballroom or some shit. Abby tells everyone not to touch anything because she is a horrible person… I’m thinking maybe some fake chicken noodle soup. Amy’s does great things.

Good to know you’re back to your vegan ways Sue! Sue takes very good care of her body. I wish I could be as healthy as she is, but instead I love doritos more than the average person. I eat them until the corners of my mouth hurt, it’s getting to be a problem.

Chloe’s solo is totally cute. Her earring falls out and it’s a big tragedy. Also, ok, the costume is cute. The costume is badass! But the music isn’t dark at all and it’s not birdlike. Weird. It sounded like something from the “Fast and the Furious” movies.

Pagie is super nervous. It’s nice to see that other people get nervous onstage, too, and that they just have to push through them and turn them out. I get so nervous sometimes.

You would never tell that Sue gets nervous. She is always so pretty and confident on stage. Did you guys know she she had her own one woman show at the UCB Theatre for almost a year?!

Of course, Abby is pissed about the choreography. She looks like she’s having a bowel movement in the chair. Wouldn’t that be cool if you could just poop in chairs? I have dreams about that sometimes. I have butt problems sometimes. That would be great for me.

Abby has a great joke: “Kelly, you’re more successful at the real bar than the ballet bar.” I wonder if that line was written or if Cathy came up with that. Also, I wonder about their past. They need to quit each other. Also did Abby mime drinking or dick sucking? It looked like a peen.

Kendall’s solo is like, medium. Eh. The CD is skipping but she keeps dancing. Hmmm. I wonder if Abby and Melissa scratched that shit like they did the last time. Mufasa BREAKS DOWN in the stairway. IT’S AMAZING. She says she’s starting to think Cathy took them in only to spite Abby. OBVIOUSLY!!!!

Abby comes in to talk to Paige and she looks like she is going to swallow her alive. Paige sticks up for herself to Abby and it’s glorious!

I wish I had Abby’s confidence. How does a woman get so arrogant? I’m jealous.

Sue could never get as arrogant as Abby. Not possible.

Cathy is having her girls do a dance called “Asian Empire” and it’s about to be so racist. So, so racist. There’s a gong. The girls are wearing chopsticks in their hair. Christi has a good joke: “Cathy should get a special award for finding new ways to use Vivi as a human prop.”

THIS IS SO RACIST I HATE IT.

Maybe I’ll have some rice crackers and almond butter. Those things are amazing. I love crackers for dinner.

The group number is creepy, but beautiful in an Abby Lee/Beasts of the Southern Wild kind of way.

Sue and I saw “Beasts of the Southern Wild” together and we sobbed like babies. It was a special moment. We also got popcorn that we put nacho cheese seasoning AND ranch seasoning on. My sodium intake needs to be monitored if I keep eating like this.

Aww, little Paige gets seventh place. So sad. But Kendall didn’t place at all. The whole thing is sad. The group number gets fifth place.

Mufasa FREAKS out in the dressing room and it’s amazing. Abby taunts Cathy on her way to the elevator. I really want Cathy to fight her but she just ignores her. Aww, I feel bad for Cathy. It’s so childish.

This episode gets 5 out of 5 Candy Apple’s. This women are crazy bitches and even though there wasn’t much quality dancing this episode was the SHIT!

Also, Sue you are the best and I hope you accept my apology for burning you and enabling you to eat hotdogs and bacon. Love, Anna

Posted at 11:42am and tagged with: dance moms, recap, abby lee miller, candy apples, lifetime, dance, angry bird,.

March 20th 2012

Season 2, Episode 11: No Legs, I Got No Legs

5 notes |#

We are already on the edges of our seats! WTF is Melissa suing everyone?! Ambulances?! We cannot wait for this episode to start!!!!!

Team Nia
Ok, first we discover that Holly’s at work (duhvs), and then Abby reams Nia out and puts her on the bottom of the pyramid?! Nia we love you!! DON’T STOP THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW, OKAY?!

Paige is ABOVE Chloe on the pyramid? This is crazy! Paige is CLEANING UP lately.

You know, it’s true Maddie is on top because she listens to Abby… Sorry Sue. I might be moving towards team Maddie again. SUE: REDRUM!

Homeless Kids!
Abby thinks that since they are all privileged they should do a dance about homeless people. God, I love it when rich white people comment on the injustices in the world. Abby always thinks she can use her dances for social action. Abby, this isn’t Occupy Wall Street. It doesn’t exist anymore. Because Abby probably ate Zuccotti Park thinking it was baked ziti.

Trio
Nia’s taking Paige’s place in the trio! YEAH DAS RIGHT, GIRL. GIT ITT!

“What is that called when all the bars are on one street?” “Rehab?” PINKY YOU FUCKING MORON. Seriously though Pinky, get a grip on it. Ugh, she WISHES she could go to rehab. My gym shoes smell like rotting meat.

Holly’s face when she finds out Nia is in the trio make me choke on my peanut butter cup. Also, Kelly has a son? Pinky, again with the wisecracks about drinking. I’m beginning to think you WANT people to think you’re an alcoholic. Sue: SHE DOES! She wants to be the Lindsay Lohan of Western Pennsylvania.

Candy Apple’s (That FUCKING apostrophe!)
Yes! So happy they are back! WTF, clowns? Cathy is so passe. She probably thinks NOT jokes are funny. I swear to god, one of the women on the Real Housewives of OC made TWO NOT jokes in the last episode! Also, someone please put Vivi out of her misery and cut that goddamn hair already! I wonder how many drugs this little kid is on.

I love how Cathy thinks she can put Justice up against Maddie. Bahahahahaha. Justice kinda, like, special, right?

IT.
Melissa and Mufasa are friends?! Melissa just loves trying to get the newcomers on her side. Melissa loves the Globetrotters?! That’s all that happened in the conversation. So ok, cool.

You guys remember the movie IT? Terrifying right? Why did our parents let us watch that? Any crap, that’s what the Candy Apple’s dance is. Cathy is trying to jack Abby’s style by doing dark numbers, but Abby would never choreograph something dark about clowns! She addresses serious issues like homelessness, HELLO!

Pinky is one observant drunk. She notices that Melissa isn’t wearing her engagement ring anymore. Melissa gets all weird. What’s going on, girls?! Is she engaged to someone imaginary? I always wanted to have an imaginary friend like Drop Dead Fred. He was so cool. I wonder if he’s single.

Melissa is about to FLIP OUT. This is some weird baby daddy drama.

WAIT. WTF just happened?! Melissa just pulled McKenzie out, said “forget about her” about Maddie, and then called her lawyer?! (Btw, this is exactly why we call her So and So: even her own mother forgets about her!) All because Holly asked her about her engagement ring? I don’t understand Pennsylvania, Sue help me!! SUE: I dunno? Meth? ANNA: Yes!!!!

Of course there would be a commercial for Burlington Coat Factory followed by Edible Arrangements. Barf.

Abby tells the girls to tell their moms to keep their mouths shut but the little girls have no idea what’s going on! In fact, neither do I. Why hasn’t Kelly blown her nose yet?

Again, kudos to the person who composes the music!

“I won’t let my personal life interfere with my girls happiness.” -Melissa LIES LIES LIES!

I like how Abby is talking up the Midwest in this episode … Chicago pride! SUE: So Chicago is basically just full of rich people and mobsters, right? ANNA: And really good dancers. And black people. SUE: Oh, I had no idea.

Abby keeps trying to teach these girls what “homeless” means. They will never get it. “These people have no iPods, nothing!”

Maddie’s the only one with a solo this week … MAYBE BECAUSE SHE’S THE BEST! SUE: REDRUM. Seriously, though, when she started crying and said she didn’t want to leave…all she wants to do is dance!

The Beano lady would totally be friends with Cathy. Beano lady’s cooler, though.

CHICAGO!
“When Justice gets ready, stay out of his way!” Haha Cathy thinks Justice is such a big deal. He’s kind of a gawky ginge, if you ask us. What should we call him? Danny Bonaduce? Oh god, then he’d be destined for a life of spousal absue and drug addiction.

Maddie’s Solo
Oh shit. Maddie’s solo is phenom. Like honestly, that shit was brilliant and we cried and it’s not even that time in our cycle (Moon Sisters, holla!) When Maddie did that stand up thing? Honestly, get the fuck out of here. Period. The end.

Danny Bonaduce had a great solo. JK! It sucked! It sounded like the special needs kid from Simon Birch was singing that song. Also, Cathy could have tried harder with his costume!

Sassy Trio!
Let’s face it: Chloe is sassier than Nia. Yo, I WISH i was that sassy. That dance was pretty badass even though Nia was a little behind :( Oh crap, they didn’t even place! But I love Chloe’s “We’ll get ‘em next time,” attitude. I could learn a thing or two about rejection from this kid.

Ally McBeal!
ANNA: When is Calista Flockhart’s skinny little ass coming into this show to lay down the law? SUE: Wait, is that a Chicago joke? I thought that took place in Boston? ANNA: It does, I just really liked the show Ally McBeal, ok?? SUE: OMG me too! My mom and I watched it together every week. ANNA & SUE: LOVE.

Melissa apparently had her attorney send everyone letters… ANNA: I stopped paying attention though because there was some peanut stuck in my teeth. SUE: I wonder if I should have a second can of vegetarian chicken noodle soup for dinner or is it too late?

Homeless Hotties
SUE: Is everything in Chicago called Carmine’s? ANNA: Pretty much.

At this point, Cathy should just give up and become a spokeswoman for Depends. I bet the Beano lady could get her some info on that.

Only Maddie is homeless and she just has a stupid hat on. I LOOK MORE HOMELESS IN MY DAILY LIFE THAN THESE BITCHES. Honestly. It’s a problem. I need to stop wearing stuff I got at Forever 21 five years ago. The dance is ok, could have been better if there were some more homeless dudes in it. Chicago is full of nubbies, you know those homeless guys with missing limbs? Abby shoulda rolled some of them onto the stage.

Remember that part in Kids?

Stephen King’s Candy Apple’s
I like how Vivi’s only role is to take the umbrella off. Wait, you get an ambulance if you sprain your ankle? Waste of taxpayer’s money if you ask me.

ALSO: Can we talk? This shit is so made up. When Taylor sprains her ankle, Simba says, “Taylor looks really hurt. I hope she’s okay. She’s my teammate now.” She says it like she’s reading a script! SO FORCED!!!

I bet Mufasa MADE Taylor get a sprained ankle so Kendall could get more stage time. I’m such a conspiracy theorist.

Oh god, what present is Cathy bringing them? We never get to see! Cocktease. Cathy didn’t get a cease and desist so she can still talk about the wedding. Melissa is so sensey about her man!

This episode gets FIVE out of five candy apples because Maddie’s solo and Melissa’s baby daddy dramz. And Danny Bonaduce’s solo. Loved it.

Posted at 10:49pm and tagged with: dance moms, homeless, dance, kids, crazy bitches, danny bonaduce, stephen king, candy apples,.