Dance Moms Drama

It’s Anna here, and my roommate still smells and I just ate a whole bunch of chocolate almond butter cookies and I’m literally bouncing off the walls!!!!!! Wheeeeeeee.

WOW Just reminding all of you NYC people to catch our show about reality tv this Valentine’s Day! Link for tickets is here!

We are so excited for this show, and on Friday we are actually shooting a video for the show about CATHY AND ABBY! We cannot wait to show you guys!

Ok, so pumped for this show to START WOOOOOOOO Is that lil chick coming back to twirl her f-ing baby face off?!?!?! She better be! Also, the fact that Cathy and Vivi are still in the opening gives me SO MUCH HOPE.

Woah. Looks like Kendall and Maddie got second place. Oooops! I wonder how this will effect the pyramid?!?!!?

Christi looks like an ex-showgirl in that sparkly outfit. Mufasa looks like a washed up cokehead from Studio 54. Kind of like the Mike Myers character? Anyone watch that movie? It’s great.

I’m so happy to see a lot of the girls without make-up! All of you girls are beautiful! We love seeing your beautiful faces!

Kendall and Maddie and Nia ON THE BOTTOM
Paige and Chloe IN THE MIDDLE
So and So is ON TOP!!! Love that chick. Her teeth are so cute, mine looked like that before I got braces. Braces were the worst.

So looks like we have two replacements coming in, Katie and Bella—they look like adults. My friend babysits this kid named Tyler and he looks like a manchild. Seriously. He’s four but he has the face of an adult and he is too big for a stroller. It’s the creepiest shit. We gave him a cookie the other day and he was like, “NOM NOM NOM.”

Ok, Christi totally has a weave. Anyway, I cannot wait for this contortionist routine. It seems vaguely racist. Abby’s forte!

Jesus christ Mufasa, your outfit is bad enough why add that heinous boa?

Guys. I’m really regretting eating all of those cookies. They are not sitting well. My eye is also twitching. I’m like a freaking baby when it comes to sugar! Don’t even let me NEAR some Haribo.

Melissa is confronting Abby blah blah blahh

HOLY SHIT. Do you guys remember Skipper from Sex and the City Season 1? He was Carrie’s weird friend that was in love with Miranda. He is in a COMMERCIAL now. Acting careers always make me sad.

More shots of the girls doing acro, less shots of the moms complaining about bullshit!

Chlo gets a solo! I hope she doesn’t Chlo it …

Maddie’s got braces! Clear braces! Aww she’s adorable!!

OMG. Abby is crying to Maddie, Maddie is crying to Abby. This is so much drama, I feel terrible for the both of them. Maddie was Abby’s protege! Sue, I know you’re going to hate me for saying this, but I feel awful for Abby! I love that woman right now! I love Maddie! So many emotions! So many cookies that I ate! Sue here. I think Abby was totally actor crying to manipulate Maddie. Just makes me hate her more.

What kind of accent does Mufasa have? I don’t understand her. Also, do these women go to specialty stores that specialize in the ugliest patterns in the world? Melissa’s bangs look like she’s an extra from one of the “Back to the Future” movies OR DJ Tanner.

OOOOH the replacements are competing against us! Guys, how sick are you of the name Bella? So sorry if that’s your name, but COME ON! It’s EVERYWHERE right now.

So and So is doing her solo first, YGG you can do it! Oh no, she forgot her dance! She’s so freaking adorable it’s ok, love! Oh look, she has braces too!! The Ziegler girls have braces! I love them both more than anything, even myself.

Oooh, her mom says, “She is not Maddie.” That’s so mean.

WTF is with Abby’s sea rope necklace? It’s like she’s a barge being tied to the pier. She loves nautical themed jewelry. I am one catty bitch in today’s recap I apologize! It was the cookies!

There’s some drama in the hallway with the Bellas and their ages. Christi has a good punchline about how Cathy’s dancers looked like they were 27 so it’s ok. I’m so tired. I just want to watch an episode of Catfish and pass out. I love that show. It’s like, “Marry me!” “We’ve been talking for two years but I never did a Google Image Search because I want to lie to myself!” “AGHHHHHH!!!! You’re a fat troll!!!!”

Both Kaeli and Bella do weird things with their hands and feet—the ALDC is way better trained in technique than these dummy Studio Bleu girls.

Chloe’s costume is gorgeous except for that weirdass head shawl. What is with that?

Bella does an ok job. Eh. GO CHLO! GO CHLO! I personally think Chloe is better than the other girls. But we will see…

Abby just tore Melissa and her family a new one. WOAH. Hey Abby? Melissa’s personal life is none of your business and you’re being VERY unprofessional right now. You’re like evil incarnate. You’re like if Satan swallowed the Kool-Aid man and then started breathing fire.

Melissa? It IS ok for Maddie to cry. She’s a kid and she’s hurt. Let her feel her feelings.

The Studio Bleu group number is kind of a snoozer. Abby loves it though. PAIGE has braces, too!!!! The ALDC group number is beautiful. I love the stage picture. This is probs my favorite group number they’ve ever done, even though it’s vaguely racist. Vacist?

So and So gets third! Still good! Chlo gets second place? Lame. Studio Bleu Kaeli beats her. OMG, Arabian Nights gets FOURTH PLACE. OUTRAGE!!!! Studio Cordon Bleu gets first. This show is so staged. So staged… Anyway.

Abby tells Christi to stop making excuses for her kid because she’s in school. She’s fucking ridiculous. Christi calls her a fatty over and over again. It’s PRICELESSSSSSS. Poor Chlo gets so sad. And Christi gets another great punchline…. Ooh, Cathy Candy Apple’s is back next week!

This episode gets four out of five andy apples because it’s just amazing.

Posted at 11:18pm and tagged with: candy apples, dance moms, dance, abby lee miller, chloe, maddie ziegler,.

September 9th 2012

16 notes |#

YOU’RE WELCOME WORLD.

Posted at 10:56pm and tagged with: chloe, maddie ziegler, dance moms, drama, katy perry, last friday night, dance, music, pop, hotel, singing, dancing,.

August 29th 2012

Season 2, Episode 24 Recap. WOAH NEW MOMMA!

2 notes |#

Ok gang. Sue just moved to LA for a month and I’m LOSING IT! I’ve been sitting here eating almond butter by the scoop, I’m pretty sure I’m capable of eating a whole jar. But then I’ll be constipated for a week!!!!

Anyways, this recap might be a little depressed because I miss my Suzy. But let’s get started!

The girls are goin’ goin’ back back to Cali Cali!!

Smart move Abby, putting the chick with the boot on the bottom of the pyramid. Durrrrrr.

We all know Kelly is going to take it personally that her daughters are on the bottom. Puh-lease.

Now Nia’s back in the middle. But with only Chlo and Maddie above her I think that’s still pretty good?

Woah, guys. I just started this paleo diet where you only eat food that cavemen ate, like meat, veggies, nuts, and fruit. And let’s just say that I’ve eaten so much protein that I could sit on a child and severely injure them.

These chicks are doing push ups!! Hard core!

Also, why is Paige dancing? This chick is never going to get better if she keeps dancing on a broken foot.

WE <3 Paige.

OOOOOH THE KIDS ARE IN AN INSANE ASYLUM TODAY!

I’m pumped for this. They’re all dancing like meth addicts which reminds me of Breaking Bad. Jeez, sometimes I wish this was Breaking Bad. But then I see So and So’s adorable face and realize why I’m watching!

Woah. They brought in a new chick! Kaya and her daughter Nicaya.

Holy crap. This new mom comes in and starts bashing the Abby Lee Dance Co. She mentions that the girls don’t have enough “diva-tude”—yeah, it’s because they’re boring and white.

KAYA IS A CRAZY BITCH AND I CANNOT WAIT. She also loves it when Abby yells at her.

I have no idea what is going to happen but I’m excited for it. I wish Sue was here! She’s staying at a place in LA that doesn’t have cable.

“She’s gonna learn how to spell these stupidass dance terms.” Jeez I love this woman.

Finally they mention Brooke’s song! It’s so good. Also, if Paige was her hype girl I would love it.

Woah. Kendall is super racist. She just said that instead of “Nini” which is Nicaya’s nickname, she’s going to call her Laquifa. Wow. SIMBA IS A BITCH.

Kaya says that she’s a lesbian. Ok, she’s pretty amazing. But it’s also very sad that she has to raise four children on her own :( No wonder she’s f-ing crazy.

I think about it all the time! About how my mom is crazy because we never had a nanny growing up. The fact that she raised three kids by herself made her crazy because we were nightmares. I love ya mom, but yer cray cray!

So verdict is Paige can dance, but she can’t do tricks. I really hope that this doesn’t severely mangle her foot forever.

So Abby makes Kaya come to LA even though Nini isn’t going to dance. This was clearly a producer decision because we all know Kaya is ready to blow at any moment.

KAYA PICKED UP A GAY VIBE FROM MELISSA! This is what we’ve been saying all along, thank you Kaya!

Mufasa is f-ing crazy. Get her off the show please. And that high voice? Yuck.

Seeing Abby dance for Nia finally makes it click. No wonder she’s such a freak about all the girls knowing their terms! It’s because she can’t show them how to do it!

Nia’s solo looks like it’s going to be awesome though.

So and So is getting old. Her one lines aren’t as good as they used to be.

Why the hell is Abby pitting Paige and Nini against each other? Poor Paige is in pain and I feel so bad for her :( Also, I feel bad for Nini because she’s getting played!

“I want Nini to take out Brokeback Brooke and Pegleg Paige …” This woman writes comedic gold.

When Abby loses her voice it makes me anxious and uncomfortable. Stop screaming! Also, drink some tea or some water or something.

Chloe’s Solo

Eh. It’s a little boring. Her costume is cool I guess? Her turns were cool? But what is with this song?

Nia’s Solo
I love Holly’s face whenever Nia dances. Also, Nia is adorable. Her attitude is my favorite! Also, that afro in the confessional was badass! I love Nia. TEAM NIA!

Mac’s Solo

What is with the continued close up of that one judge with the glasses? Also, MAC! Those crazy flip things that you did were awesome! But I’m kind of agreeing with Kaya. These girls don’t have much personality.

Abby is being a beyotch about this group number. I can’t believe she had both girls get into costumes and then dance it out against each other pretty much. This is so sad.

It’s nice that Abby gave both of them a chance to be in this batshit crazy dance …

Awards

Mac got third place! Yay. But I want to see her do something besides acro.

Nia got tenth place?! WTF. NIA WAS ROBBED.

Chlo got fifth?

I know why solos didn’t place high. It’s because Abby was so focused on the group routine, but it paid off because it got first place!

Kaya’s f-ing crazy. I actually hate it. I also love Holly, way to stand up for yourself!

This episode gets 2 out of 5 apples. Because even though Kaya is a cool addition, the episode was a little boring …

Posted at 11:38am and tagged with: mom, dance mom, kaya, maddie ziegler, mackenzie ziegler, chloe, nia, holly, kendall, jill, abby lee, abby lee miller, lifetime, dance moms, dance, competition, jazz, contemporary, candy apples,.

August 15th 2012

Dance Moms Recap Season 2, Ep 22 WEEK OF NIA!

5 notes |#

Hey guys! It’s me, Sue, here. First off: some news. Anna and I met up with our friend the hotel spy who was working while Abby and the Dance Moms stayed there. She said that Abby paid $200 for someone to come to her hotel room at the last minute for a blowdry on a Monday night. Two hundo? That shit cray! Ain’t she ever heard of Jean Louis David? Also, she said that the girls all wear extensions.

Abby puts Brooke on the bottom for being injured last week. That ain’t fair. NIA IS AT THE TOP!!!! We’ve been waiting two seasons for this!

Anna here, I’ve been having a shitty week and the fact that Nia is finally on top of the pyramid means that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK! YGG! Also, I’ve decided to take this moment to dedicate our post to Nia pics and gifs. WE LOVE YOU!

Wait. In Chrisit’s confessional—does she have a tooth missing? There’s a huge black gap in her mouth, has she had this all this time? What a piece of white trash!! She prob banged it out with a wine glass.

The group number sounds weird. Some stuff about fitting in. Abby should have a talk show: “Deep Thoughts With Abby Lee Miller.” More like deep vagina. I bet it’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway in there. Ew, I’m grossing myself out. Didn’t someone once say Abby was a virgin anyway?

OMG THE DANCE IS CALLED TAKEN! I was almost taken when I went to Spain. I kept tweeting at Liam Neeson though to let him know I was ok.

Also, Melissa has got to be pregnant. Or she has a giant belly tumor. That’s actually a thing though, this girl I know had a tumor in her stomach, everyone just thought she was weirdly fat, then she got it removed and was super sexy. Weird, right??

The moms are bitching about the group dance and start yelling so loud that the girls start hearing them from their treehouse in the sky. Has anyone seen the Timothy Green movie yet? Anna and I went to see The Queen of Versailles this weekend. It was good but kinda sad and I was kinda not impressed by the story arch. Just depressed the whole time.

Anyway, Christi calls Melissa out for having an affair with her married boss (DRAMA!) and Melissa says, “Fuck you,” calls her a bitch, and leaves. YGG! Shit is getting real this season. I feel terrible for her children :(

ALSO, Holly has Michelle Obama arms. WE LIKEY!

Melissa and her girls don’t show up the next day and Abby starts crying big ol tears. We cut to Candy Apple’s, where Cathy has brought back Mitchell & Michael, The M&M choreographers who did that racist Asian shit last time. Why the hell does Cathy hire choreographers to choreograph her own studio? Why does she have her own dance studio again? I’m confused.

I really need to brush my teeth. It’s like they’re wearing tiny wool sweaters.

Sue, that made me laugh so hard. But eww, gross. I floss every day sometimes twice a day I get really weird about my teeth. I blame it on my ex-boyfriend.

Candy Ap’s boys are doing a duet. Weird. They are pretending Jill’s face is on the table? I don’t understand …

Nia is something called the “Dance Captain” this week so she has to call Maddie and beg her to get her ass to rehearsal so Abby can feel complete. Nia is so smart, she is the only sane person on this show I think. When she said “I’m not her mom.” Girl is genius.

You guys been watching “Beverly Hills Nannies”? It’s really good. I’m going to LA next month and I’m scared everyone there is going to be like that. SUE DON’T GO! What am I going to do for a whole month? I miss you already :(

When Abby hears the Aps will be at the competition, she makes Maddie do a solo, even though she said she wasn’t initially. It’s so weird that Abby is actually scared of them. I wonder what size her boobs are? I watched “Strange Sex” on TLC today and the woman had the biggest breasts in the world and they were size 102 ZZZ! And she was so happy and accepting of her body. I wish I could be more body accepting like that.

I know me too Sue! Guys, we are both trying to start working out more. Yesterday I took an insane spin class that left me paralyzed for the rest of the night. For real, I am so sore. I need to start going to the gym more often, how’s insanity treatin ya Sue?

Melissa refuses to let Maddie do the solo since it’s the night before the competition and she hasn’t had time to practice.

Abby suspects Justice’s duet partner, DRAZEN, is a wringer and not really a Candy Ap. DRAZEN? Ugh, go to hell. Did you watch Louie this week? One of the kids was named NEVER. And then he took a shit in the bathtub. It was brilliant.

Chloe’s solo is dark and goth and gorgeous. I love it. It’s probably my favorite of all her solos. Justice needs to get a haircut, that’s for sure. He looks like a Lost Boy. It’s a cute dance though. Honestly, are we in Titantic? So dramatic. Also, that dance blew, not artistic at all. It looked like the dance people go when they make fun of musical theater kids in high school.

Yo, wtf is with the bonnets in the group number? That’s some 19 Kids and Counting shit. It’s a gorgeous dance though… Eh, Sue I thought it was weird.

Cathy stops the Candy App’s group number before they begin it because she’s ridic. What do you think about maxi dresses? I’ve always thought I was too short for them but maybe I should try one. Sue, you know I love a good maxi. But I have so much junk in the trunk that sometimes the guy on the corner (Floppy’s friend) screams profanities … Anyway, the Candy Aps have a fine group number. The costumes are snoozefingers. I love when they cut to reaction shots of Abby breathing through her mouth. Homegirl totally sleeps with one of those sleep apnea machines. Right??

OMG. Chloe loses to Justice by a tenth of a point. IS THERE NO HUMANITY IN THIS WORLD? The Candy App’s group number gets third and Abby gets first, even though they look like Sister Wives with those bonnets.

Abby is so weird and competitive in the green room. What the hell is her problem? It’s creepy. She just walked in and started being terrible to everyone. Wow, I’ve never been so embarrassed for another human being like this.

The DRAZEN/JUSTICE duet is some Newsies weirdness, are they dancing to dubstep?? WTF. The Kendall/So and So duet is adorable. The girls beat them. GIRL POWER! It’s all bc Justice was too busy smirking. Also, Mackenzie’s face at the end of the dance is PRICELESS!

Abby says, “Two out of three. I didn’t get my clean sweep. We can blame Chloe for that.” What a cunt. That is honestly so emotionally abusive. Chloe is going to be severely damaged for the rest of her life— so sad!

Melissa and Cathy Candy Apps start a remarkable fight in the green room. So great.

This episode gets three out of five candy apples. More Holly and Nia please though!!

Posted at 9:23am and tagged with: DANCE MOMS, LIFETIME, abby lee, abby lee miller, maddie, dance, chloe, nia, mackenzie, brooke, paige, hyland, melissa, holly, kelly,.

April 3rd 2012

Season 2 Episode, Epsiode 12

3 notes |#

NO PICS, NO EDITING, DOWN AND DIRTY

Anna and I are blogging in the same room! Yay! We have a special guest, Kelly Hudson, so watch out for Kelly Commentary.

Where are they rehearsing? Are they at Champions, the Garment District’s finest low-budget rehearsal studios?

Of course Maddie is wearing an outfit that looks like she’s a trapeze artist in Club Med. Gross!

Really Abby? People that win have PROBABLY taken a dance class? OK. Thanks for that.

Abby, too much paisley! Too much woman, not enough paisley!

They ARE at Champions!!

So and So just looks so sad and it broke my heart. Thank god for her butt ruffles though. What is with the shoulderless shirts? Every episode I see a shoulderless shirt! And last week I saw them at Forever 21! This CAN’T BE A TREND!

Anna just said, “Also, Chloe sounds like an idiot when she talks.” ANNA! She’s so insecure because all Abby does is beat her down.

Kelly Commentary: Why do none of the moms say their L’s? Is that a Pittsburgh thing?

Nia looks sexy and sleek. Love that bun girl!

Ugh, PAIGE! She says she’s never been to jail, but we all know her mom has been there for a DUI at one point … right?

STOP TALKING CHRISTI!

Thank god for taking us back to that pathetic strip mall! Candy Apple’s woot woot! Cathy looks like a poor man’s Bette Midler from “Hocus Pocus”.

Justice/Danny Bonaduce is BACK! But someone tell me why Cathy Apples thinks they can compete against Abby in New York City?

ALSO: how come they are competing in PARAMUS, NJ? Is that near Cake Boss?

Holly’s got Michelle Obama arms! She can CRUSH YOU.

Aw sheeeit. This is a ballet audition and all Abby’s girls can do are chin stands. ABBY, your chin stands have no place in New York City.

Kelly Commentary: You want the leotards pulling up on their pussies, basically.

Melissa trys to be all cool and call them “leos”, shut up. Also, what is with the 40’s barber shop music? What happened to our composer?

Simba looks like a ho fo sho. What is with your eye makeup? Fake lashes?! You’re ten, girl! Anna, were you trying to go for a Mufasa thing with your hair?

Why is Abby always trying to make Chloe evil?! If anyone’s going to be a ballerina it’s Chloe. Right?

Stop doing side shots of Abby! She looks like a trailer!

Ugh, it’s amazing how seriously Abby is taking Paramus right now, given that it’s only cultural products are The Real Housewives of New Jersey and Jerseylicious.

Ooh, I wonder what Hotel they’re staying in. The Yotel? That place is fucking crazy.

Michelle Obama has ANOTHER shoulderless shirt on.

Anna: Abby looks trimmer there
Kelly: She’s wearing like, some body sock or something
Sue: It must be three yards of fabric.

Awww So and So! She is so excited to be mean and bitter! I feel like her smile is what the inside of my soul looks like.

So much tensions right now. Abby’s yelling, Melissa in her dark, autistic place and Maddie is freaking out.

I’m really glad I allow myself one coffee at night you guys.

Joffrey auditions!
ABBY, DRINK SOME THROAT COAT! Pinky does a very good Abby impression. Ugh, WHY ARE CANDY APPLE’s HERE? They are like fake Converse All-Stars. They’ll never be the real thing and everyone knows it! Everyone can tell.

Man, I wish I had as many tricks as these girls. Brooke just did a CHEST ROLL. So cool. But then the anal judge lady is like, “I don’t care for tricks.” WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET LAID!

Nia did her LaQuisha drop on the floor! Love that.

It’s about time these girls get taught what good dancing is. This isn’t a circus! Cathy’s Candy Apple’s look like tranny messes.

Abby is getting SERVED from these judges. “Whoever told you to shake your bum bum like that is a dumb dumb.”

That shot of Cathy in the doorway watching Simba’s solo was priceless.

CHLOE nails it! I have chills!

Purple glasses is not having these tricks. More spins, Maddie! Quick!

“You could’ve been on Broadway”. Wait, could have? Is she already past her prime?? SHE’S TEN!

Also, they were totally right about Maddie’s lines. They suck. She’s all tricks. You could learn something from Chlo. ANNA! I can’t believe you just wrote that! Dying!

OH MY GOD: please tell me Abby and Cathy are about to get in a fight and the auditors will have to pipe them down! PLEASE!

GIF REQUEST: Cathy eating cold, folded up pizza! PLEASE!

YES! Kelly Hudson called it! Joffrey guy scolds Abby and Cathy. How embarrassing.

Oh Abby and your fur trimmed coat. Where’s Broadway Baby and her stroller, you diva?

Cathy, what are you doing to poor Vivi? Does anyone know where I can get a furry maroon vest? Penny’s?

Oh Justice, what is with your costume? Cathy needs to try harder.

What is this sexy jail shit? UGH these girls are SO going to end up like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls.

Why is Vivi hugging herself? Cathy’s butt is shaking? Does that have to do with Tommy’s jerky?

Wait, tenth place? EXCUSE me, New Jersey!?

OH MY GOD! Candy Apple’s BEAT ABBY?!

Ok, we are abandoning this recap for the livestream. See you later!

Posted at 10:24pm and tagged with: dance moms, crazy bitches, chloe, joffrey, ucb,.

Season 3, Episode 5 Recap

Season 2, Episode 24 Recap. WOAH NEW MOMMA!

Dance Moms Recap Season 2, Ep 22 WEEK OF NIA!

Season 2 Episode, Epsiode 12