Dance Moms Drama

Hi everyone! Sue here. I’m so sleepy. I just had a coffee and I was high as a kite but now I’m crashing.

Anna here! I’m eating the most bizarre foods in my house for breakfast, stay tuned. I’m starting with candy egg whoppers.

Abby comes in right away and says Broadway Baby died. Aww, I’m sad for Flabby. Every day I look in my cat’s eyes and dread the day she’s going to die. I will just be so sad.

Anna here, I just started sobbing when Abby came in and said Broadway Baby died. I mean sure, I’m on a ton of sudafed and cough syrup but still—SO EMOTIONAL! I actually feel bad for Flabby!!!

Nia is almost at the top of the pyramid! YGG! Maddie is back on top. EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. Except Chloe is still on suspension and Kenize ain’t in the group number. WAH.

Paige looks STUNNING! Right?? Maddie, Kenzie, and Nia look stunning as well—because they’re not wearing any make up! Girls, you’re in rehearsal don’t wear make up!!

OMG Black Patsy is coming back. I can’t wait. She is like Cathy Candy Apple’s TIMES A MILLION. She is what my dreams look like. Now that Broadway Baby is dead, maybe Abby will sell me her dog stroller so I can take my cats for a walk and I can never be without their love.

In Abby’s confessional where she is wearing the green shirt, she looks super drugged up. You takin dat Klonopin, girl?

Sixteen is pretty old for a dog. My cats are nine and five already.

The moms have the idea of switching the group number and dedicating it to Abby. That’s the dumbest shit I ever heard because Abby is gonna be mad pissed. Duhhhhhh.

This dog is actually a bit terrifying.

Christi and Kelly are still fighting about like, whatever. Oh no, then we see a shot of Abby going home, to her all-white house and crying in front of a picture of Broadway Baby with her mom. I love animals so much. Did you know that I was such a weird kid that I just didn’t “get” pets? My friend Rachel had this big boxer named Pochantas and she was so jumpy. I just hated that thing. We had a cat and I liked it fine but I never thought it whispered into my heart or anything. I dunno. It took me a long time to develop empathy because I have a learning disability that’s OTS.

OH! Guess what happened this week! Noodle and Brindle (my cats) fight all the time. They always have. Just like, swat at each other and stuff. But yesterday I found a little scar on Brin’s ear and it must be from Noodle! What a bitch! I put Neosporin on it, don’t worry.

Black Patsy. Can people call me White Ass Sue?

Yes. But only if you can call me Honky Anna.

Abby’s mom looks mad sick. Also, I thought she lived in Florida? Abby is so sad. Maybe she is a real human.

OMG this scene between Abby and her mom is so depressing. I’m eating ranch flavored wheat thins for breakfast with slices of ricotta salata cheese on them—A CRY FOR HELP?!

Who’s Nyala? We’ve never seen THIS choreographer before. I mean. Good.

But her name isn’t Patsy. It’s Kya. So I don’t get it. I mean, I guess I could be White Ass Margaret if I wanted to be.

Noodle is kneading my flabby belly like she DIDN’T give Brin a ear scab.

Kelly and Christi get into a shouting match. Pretty sure this is the first time we’ve seen this sort of in-fighting among the moms. (Oops, just typed “mongs.”)

Abby dramatically returns to the studio for the sake of Broadway Baby. Direct quote: “Nothing makes me happier than working with Maddie.” LOL!

She’s pissed about the surprise choreography, obvs. Did they honestly think that would be ok? Abby is so emotionally vulnerable right now!

I don’t know about you, but White Ass Margaret loves Black Patsy. I think it’s maybe racist to call someone “ghetto,” but she’s SO GHETTO!!! I think on the inside White Ass Margaret has always been a Black Patsy.

I think Nia looks adorable in her costume. Her dance is very traditionally jazzy, but she gives good face.

Madison is a stripper name these days. I always forget that’s Maddie’s full name… Yeah, Madison is someone who works at Hooters. Maddie is a sweet Southern Belle.

Maddie dedicates her solo to Broadway Baby and Abby breaks down. The rest of the moms go nuts. Jeez shut UP already. Also, her costume looks like the North Korean flag.

Oops, got distracted watching videos of myself read affirmations that were on my computer. I literally had no idea they were on there. Jesus Sue, be more of an ACTOR why don’t ya??

JK, I get distracted watching videos of Suzy too. She’s really funny and beautiful.

The kids are improvising the group number. SHIT IS WHACK. White Ass Margaret is JUST APPALLED. I think it actually looks good. It’s nice to do something refreshing and happy for once.

Black Patsy is trying to pick a fight with Dr. Holly and she’s so not into it. I really think Holly is the most emotionally stable person on this show.

Also, I like seeing Abby vulnerable like this. She’s not as mean. Black Patsy starts picking fights with everyone… Yo, how are we all just cool with calling this woman Black Patsy?

Christi is too scared to fight because she’s afraid Black Patsy’s gonna pull out her weave. You know she would’ve!!!!

Christi and Kelly make up. And Black Patsy gets kicked out of the competition. I mean, she just wanted attention anyway so whatever.

Nia gets a costume award! After Abby made fun of it! Yay!

Nia gets third place, Maddie gets first, and the group number gets first even though the moms choreographed it.

Yo, they do a Broadway Baby montage at the end and that’s kind of an ugly ass dog. She’s pretty fat.

I can’t wait to see Abby go speed dating on the next episode!

Aww, little Noodle has the hiccups. I love her!

This episode gets 4 out of 5 candy apples because BWAY BABY IS RIDICULOUS.

Posted at 11:14am and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, black patsy, broadway baby, lifetime, dance, competition, maddie ziegler, chloe luksiak, nia, pittsburgh, crazy, candy apple,.

August 8th 2012

Dance Moms Recap Season 2, Episode 21

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I’m back from Spain!! Hello everybody! I’m fatter and tanner than ever! I missed Sue and I can’t wait to give her the nutella I brought her tomorrow… I housed an entire jar in two days. I’m starting a juice cleanse tomorrow. Nobody thinks I can do it …

Hi! Sue here. Okay, Anna didn’t get fat at all! ALSO: I totally think she can do a juice cleanse because she’s a SBW!

I wonder if she missed these bitches while she was in Thpain?

Answer: YES! But mostly Nia and Mac.

Woah. Paige and Kelly are at the doctor’s and Abby’s freaking that they’re missing the pyramid. Also, I love how Christi has become the “Jim” of Dance Moms. The camera just loves zooming in on her rolling her eyes whenever Abby speaks. Comedic relief.

Who the hell just said “yes!” when Abby announced they were going to Philly? A cream cheese lover, clearly. Philly is about as exciting as rice cakes, sheesh.

Bottom of the pyramid—Paige. Sad. She can’t help her ankle injury! She was just trying to do tricks!

Mac and Chlo are also on the bottom? What is going on in the world? NOT FAIR. DON’T MAKE ME GET CHRISSY CROCKER ON YOU.

Nia should be on top this week. She WERKED.

Boring Maddie is on top, obvs.

Mac (So and So, I’ve decided to call her Mac this week) has her own solo, I love it! She’s kinda outgrown the So and So moniker, anyway, because she’s way more memorable than she used to be.

Brooke gets a solo about Anne Frank (who she doesn’t know about bc homegirl don’t go to school!) and I straight up LAUGHED OUT LOUD. OUT LOUD. Abby hates Brooke so bad.

This is Anne Frank: LEARN.

Chlo and Paige finally get the duet they’ve been begging for … the week Paige breaks her ankle. Why you gotta be such a B Abby???

Abby has the girls do more ballet for ONCE in her life and I don’t know if you can hear it but it sounds like they’re going to be dancing to that cute “Alouette” song from the target commercials! I love it so much! When I hear it I pretend I’m Amelie and bounce around like I’m wearing yellow rain boots. My friend just named her daughter Amelie. Adorbs.

Poor Paige she looks so sad in that boot! I can’t believe that Abby is making her stay and do her homework, what is this gym class? Remember when the teachers used to make you sit and watch if you had an injury? I always made up injuries so I could sit out. I’ve never broken a bone, and I always fantasized about having a cast. But then once this kid in my class had one and it got real smelly. OMG, ANNA! Me too! I ALWAYS wished I had a cast for everyone to sign. But when they started making them with the tape instead of the plaster, they were harder to sign and it wasn’t as chic.

Anyway, Abby reacts to the news that Paige can’t dance for 4-6 weeks like she’s just heard the Titanic has no food. Bleak.

Hahahaha Christi makes a joke about Abby being fat. I love it whenever that happens because it’s just SO TABOO.

Mufasa and Simba are using Paige’s injury as a way to get into the group. That’s messed up! Even Simba is on board with Mufasa’s plan!! She’s not a lion, she’s a goddamn hyena, about to eat anyone in her path without discernment. Hyenas are like goats. They’d eat a tin can if it was just laying around.

Also, is Christi wasted today? Also, I love their PA accents! “Oh my gawwwlddd!”

Wahh wahh another fight. Sorry I stopped paying attention for a bit to go on Facebook and look at Sue’s super cute instagrams. She’s cute.

This is us with our friend Andy.

Aw, thanks :) I stopped watching for a second to go on HelloGiggles.

Maddie has to leave to go be famous blah blah blah. Who even watches “Drop Dead Diva”?

Kelly asks everyone who Anne Frank is. Doesn’t anyone understand anything? The Diary of Anne Frank is one of the best books I’ve ever read. I’m not being sarcastic at all. Has anyone been to the museum in Amsterdam? It’s amazing. For real. Kelly, pick up a goddamned book and learn about World War II. You are an ADULT WOMAN, for shit’s sakes.

Also, Mac. You have such great candid moments in your confessionals, what is the BS about how “You know I love it” regarding her solo?? So fake. I hate it. I want another “I just want to stay at home and eat chips,” moment PLEASE.

Ugh more fighting with Mufasa. Sometimes these ladies just speak so high pitched that my head hurts and I just gotta eat a Skinny Cow.

Abby auditions people to be in Chloe’s duet. You know Mufasa is just sitting in the upstairs, licking her chops. I really wish I could enact physical violent on Mufasa. Sometimes I just want to punch people.

Dr. Holly’s pissed that Abby won’t put Nia in the duet. Dr. Holls tells Fabby (does that work?) that she looks foolish and belligerent. It’s pretty great.

Brooke needs to stop dancing and rest like her doctor said she should. Kelly briefly mentions that the doctor said Brooke should rest—why on Earth wouldn’t you take your daughter out to rest then? I blame Kelly just as much as I blame Abby. Poor Brooke needs her rest!! LET HER SING! Guys, how great is that song?? Summeeerrrr funnnnnn!!

Woah, Maddie’s is an actual actor! She is also Natalie Portman-ing it from Black Swan about always wanting to be perfect … bitch be CRAY.

I cannot believe Simba got to be in the duet with Chlo. Barf.

Abby was super cute asking Maddie about her acting. It made me happy. Also, Maddie looks f-ing exhausted. The girl has been working her ass off. I can’t believe she was running her Abby Lee dances when she was on set! Somebody get that girl a nap!! It’s not the one day of missing rehearsal that’s messing her up, it’s the lack of sleep!!

Maddie was practicing her solo while she was doing the Drop Dead Diva shoot. (I just typed dong, haha.) She’s a machine. Who does she think she is, me? Maybe I’m competitive with her? God I’m the worst.

First of all, those French costumes are adorbs! But what is with the techno version of “Alouette”? All the judges love it and are acting like it’s Brooke’s new song or something. IT’S NOT AS GOOD! When are they going to do a dance to Brooke’s song??

OOOOOHHHH ABBY SPEAKS FRANCH! Screw you Abbs.

First Place! What else is new. Yawn.

Did Abby seriously just tell Brooke to use her back pain for the dance? She needs to rest!! Kelly, be a good mother and let her rest!

Mac looks beyond adorbs. Maddie also looks like such a proud older sister watching her. It makes me miss my little sister :(

Mufasa is such a POS. The second Kelly has a moment of clarity and decides to pull Brooke out, Mufasa says that she wishes she did it earlier. And now Abby is giving them crap?? Why doesn’t anybody understand how important your back is?!?!?! People need their backs Abby!! Brooke’s costume is really pretty :) Love you!

Maddie’s solo was ok. But ever since that episode with Nia a couple weeks ago, front aerials terrify me!

WTF is with Chlo and Simba’s outfits? Weird fupa short action. Also, this song reminds me of something a lez would listen to at college in the 90’s. AKA Abbs.

Awards awards, everyone always gets first place—I’m so over it!

Hmmmm Brooke just skipped in after winning the awards … her back seems fine … I don’t know what to believe!

Woah. Shit just went crazy. These moms are crazy bitches. Poor Chlo just ran out crying. That just made me cry! For once I understand where Christi is coming from, even though I might not agree how she went about it …CHRISTI JUST CALLED ABBY A VIRGIN!!!! YES!

WOAH CATHY IS IN THE PREVIEWS FOR NEXT WEEK ALONG WITH JUSTICE!

Ok, this ep gets 3 out of 5 candy apples, besides the outburst at the end it was pretty boring …

Posted at 8:56am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, dance, moms, crazy, bitches, brooke hyland, paige hyland, zeigler, maddie, nia, abby lee, abby lee miller,.

June 20th 2012

Dance Moms Recap: Season 3, Episode 3

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Hi guys. Sue here. I’ve had emotional day so I’m eating this huge eggplant and mozzarella sandwich from the Italian place on the corner. Italians know how to do comfort food! Anna is at her house in the East Village eating $0.99 tilapia.

My the handlebars on my bike got stolen and then I had to spend $160 to get them fixed! Not a huge deal. No one died or anything. But it just sent me into a tailspin. Who the fuck steals handlebars anyway? Also, I wore pants today. :(

HOWEVER, I did get to hang out with Anna’s dad, Greg. SO that was the bright spot in an otherwise stupid day.

Dude. Anna here. That tilapia made me pass out in the middle of eating it. I full on passed out at 10pm. Then when I woke up my entire apartment smelled like fish and I realized that I should start “splurging” on fish. Guys, don’t buy cheap fish. It’s stupid!

Know what else is stupid? Abby’s pyramid. She’s punishing Brooke and Paige for last week’s fight with Kelly by putting them on probation. Yeah right, Abby. We know none of you will ever quit the other one. Abby’s hair is so fluffy ALSO is she wearing fake eyelashes?

Oh hey, also, since we’re talking about today, let’s talk about Adam Fucking Carolla. What a piece of shit that guy is. He is like Chris Brown level awful in my mind now. The worst part is… who the hell listens to Adam Carolla to begin with? I didn’t even know his opinion mattered.

Abby puts Chloe at the bottom of the pyramid for missing last week’s rehearsal. Even if she didn’t have a doctor’s appointment, maybe she needed to go to the movies and HAVE FUN and BE A KID. Nia! YGG! You are moving on up! Maddie is back at the top of the pyramid. Ugh, kill me. I hope everyone knows how fucking arbitrary the pyramid is at this point. Sue, you know I love Maddie. She is having a hard time at home!

Abby tells them they are going to a competition in Michigan and two studios registered specifically to beat her studio. PLEASE LET IT BE CANDY APPLE’S. PLEASE!

Maddie and Chloe are doing a solo called “Inside of Me.” IS THIS A SEX THING? We find out that So and So loves Justin Bieber. Adorable! And weird! I don’t get what it is about that little dude that girls like. OMG Sue, where do I even begin? Anna here, and I’ve got the Bieber Fever.

YUMMY.

Maddie is HELEN FUCKING KELLER in her solo. I don’t think we need to say anything else.

Abby makes Kelly re-read her contract to realize she’s at the risk of expulsion. Yawn.

Their group number is called “Silver Spoon” and it’s about being rich. They have a prop—and guess what? It’s a muthafukin spoon. Real clever Abbs.

Everyone finds out that it was Melissa who ratted out Chloe for going to the movies. Kelly had it right: “Who the hell rats out a ten year-old?” Also, there’s a conspiracy theory that Melissa scratched the CD so Maddie’s music would skip and she would win. That’s some psycho shit right there. This is like the Bourne Identity. You know what else? I’m PROBABLY going to finish this goddamn sandwich. How ya like me now?

I lied. it beat me.

Pshh Sue, I never start a sandwich I can’t finish. Also, Sue told me I should go to Overeater’s Anonymous because SHE LOVES ME. I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, ANNA!!!!

Stupid Melissa barges into the studio while Maddie and Chloe are rehearsing to ask Abby if she scratched the CD. I wouldn’t put it past her. I feel like Melissa was just trying to start drama and that wasn’t even a real fight. She’s batshit cray cray.

The spoon is too heavy! DRAMZ.

Nia’s solo is going to be beautiful! I love Nia moments! YGG!

Maddie is rehearsing a solo about Helen Keller, which Abby admits is recycled choreography.

THIS is the real Helen Keller trying to pet a dog.

Melissa and Holly go to lunch. Melissa loves these one on one lunches with people she wants on her team. You guys ever have that ginger ale with jasmine? That stuff is SO good!

Anna here, did you guys know that if you put mayo on a roll it can taste like a sandwich even if there are no meats and cheeses inside?! Not that I’ve done that or anything. I HAVEN’T.

This episode is a little boring, am I right? I’m checking Facebook at this point. My cat’s being… wait, dramz…

The moms are complaining about the costumes not fitting right but when she explains it, it makes total sense. Chloe has a special part. Kelly says the dance is doomed. I kinda believe it. I kinda can’t wait.

You guys, it’s supposed to be like 90 degrees in NYC tmw and I love the heat. Do you think I need InvisAlign? Did anyone else see Moonrise Kingdom? Anna and I went on a lovely date the other night and saw it and it was SO BEAUTIFUL. The date AND the movie. We highly recommend it.

Chloe and Maddie’s solo is gorgeous! Good job, girls! They have these sparkly grey costumes, which I can emotionally relate to because I love the bruise palate. They actually looked like friends up there! Also kudos to the new camera guy on this show, wonderful job capturing this beautiful duet!

The spoon looks hideous and there’s serious costume drama for the group number. OH NO, SPOON DRAMA! This is the frilliest, most traditional dance I’ve ever seen them do. I don’t know if it’s going to win.

WHERE ARE THE CANDY APPLE’S???

Chloe and Maddie were robbed! The group wins second place. The studios that intended to win actually did it. CAN WE PLEASE SEE THEM? PLEASE? They must be amazing. Also, Abby! Don’t blame the girls for your poor costume choices and choreography!

Abby always wears starfish jewelry. She kinda looks like one, if you think about it. Word, Sue. I could totally see her sucking on a wall somewhere, like a starfish stuck to the side of a fishtank.

What do we think of this Bristol Palin show? Did anyone watch it?

Kelly gets mad that Abby helps Maddie with her makeup. Yo, it’s obvious at this point that Abby favors Maddie. Either accept the situation and take it or change it by going to a new studio. You probably aren’t going to change Abby. Real talk.

Why does Helen Keller have bruises all over her face? Was that a thing? I guess she probs walked into a lot of walls.

Nia’s solo is really pretty. But very 70s and ethnic. Is it just me? I picture a smoky room of Black Panthers planning an American takeover. Super ethnic! But she rocked it. Holly crying at the end was priceless, I love you Dr. Holls!

So and So looks ADORABLE in her daisy costume! Where can I get one of those? She needs to be on Toddlers & Tiaras STAT. That dance would win.

SHE WINS FIRST! YGG!

Nia gets ninth place, eh. But at least she placed!

Maddie got fourth place. YESS! Anna feels bad for Maddie, but Abby should learn, that you can’t win with a Helen Keller dance unless you have an actual blind chick dancing it!

Kelly confronts Abby about the costumes and she comes out in her Cruella Deville fur. I feel bad for Broadway Baby!!!

This episode gets 3 out of 5 candy apple’s it would have gotten 5 if we actually saw the candy apple’s!

Posted at 11:00am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, justin bieber, helen keller, dance, moms, sandwich, candy apple, crazy,.

May 23rd 2012

Dance Moms Miami, Season 1, Episode 7 Recap

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Hi friends! I’m really tie tie (tired) so this is gonna be a loopy one. Can I just say right off, you guys, my birthday was last night and Anna showed up and turned it out. She made me the best cupcakes. Carrot cake with white chocolate cream cheese frosting, ya’ll! And she brought me bubbles and the sweetest card. At the end of the night, this picture was taken. Note how long my hair is. Baby’s first weave!!!!

Seriously, Sue’s birthday was the most fun birthday EVER.

Okay, onto the list:

Aww little Sammy is at the bottom of the list, then Hannah. I swear, they aren’t gonna be happy until Hannah is like Black Swan-Natalie-Portman-Cuts-Herself Skinny. LEAVE HANNAH ALONE! She is joyous and free! Some other bullshit happened and then Jessi made it to the top of the list. They make it all dramatic like, “Jessi, when you were on that stage, no one knew WHAT you were going through. Your mom wanted you to leave the studio.” OH WOW, WHAT A NIGHTMARE. When I was her age I had no friends and listened to goth stuff. I wore PARACHUTE PANTS AND SAFETY PINS. THAT’S going through something. Sue, I hate to think that we wouldn’t have been friends in grade school. I love you honey boo boo child!

They’re going to another Starbound. Can’t they come up with some more original names for these things? Like Dance Your Tits Off or Dance Till the Death or Candy Dance Your Apples Off? God, I miss them so much.

Sammy walks in late and there’s super dramatic music. Like Titanic dramatic. I wonder if the same music guy does Dance Moms Miami and Dance Moms PGH? I wonder if I know anyone who knows Abby. I get more starstruck by reality stars than talented people who have honed their craft, I’ll have you know. Sammy’s mom is wearing a yellow chiffon top with the shoulders cut out. UGH, what is it with Dance Moms and shirts like that? Do they hate fabric on their delicate upper arms?

This week’s theme is about abandonment because Sammy walked out and now she’s getting punished for leaving the group. NICE, GUYS. And of course, homegirl gets so upset. Aww. She has herself a nice cry. Ah. I love a good cry like that. It’s like getting a massage.

Commercial. Also, you guys. I have to tell you another thing about my birthday. We had just had a HUGE dinner at an Indian restaurant. Everyone was sitting around the table talking about how stuffed they are, and Anna, totally serious, says, “I could really go for some Ritz Bitz.” !!!!

Sue. Stop bringing that up!! Ritz bitz are a delicious snack, and they can make or break the ending of a meal. Also, my true colors come out after stuffing an entire bowl of lamb vindaloo down my gullet.

Hannah’s solo is called House of Pain. PLEASE tell me it’s a song from the hit 90s band of the same name! I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING SUE! And why, again, are we talking about her weight? This is clearly a genetic thing. It’s not like she gets Kool-aid and Lays from the bodega for breakfast. She’d have fatter cheeks if that were the case. Honestly, it’s ludacris right now that everyone is talking about a child’s eating habits. I mean, legit, there are more fat kids now than when I was little. We only had one fat kid— Steve Ward. He was weird. He like, killed animals and stuff. Now all the kids are fat. But if Hannah’s exercising and dancing all the time, then I THINK we should have some compassion for the little thing instead of trying to turn her into a Black Swan. Hannah you are beautiful and we love you.

The moms have some fun and the kids freak out. Borrring. I hate these Miami moms, right Sue?

OMG June 5! New Abby episodes! That’s like… two weeks from now! Sue and I are going to do another live blog, and record it this time! No joke!

Lucas kinda has it together by saying he doesn’t care where he is on the list—he still knows he’s a good dancer. See! Why can’t we all feel like that? Ugh, I’m happy to see that bitch is getting confident. That bullying bullshit from last week really put a damper on my Lucas. But look at this picture I found …

Angel just said the word “LIFTSES.” I’m DYING right now!

Apparently Victor’s mom is teaching ballet now? None of the kids take her seriously and it’s pretty hilarious.

This show like, tries to create drama out of things that are not dramatic. Angel isn’t going to the competition this week. People seem moderately concerned but… snooze. I’m just tired. I had a long day. This is all making me want to fall asleep.

I got this lipstick yesterday that is really bright Nicki Minaj pink. I think it’s too much but Anna says she likes it.

Oh, hai Sue! Anna here now, yes! It looks amazing. Sue reminds me of a Miami Dance Mom circa 1965 when she wears it. Are they ever going to do a fictional period piece about the lives of dance moms? Like mix Mad Men with Dance Moms?? One can only pray :(

Solos
Little dude is a badass! He is such a good dancer!

Hannah looks great! Her dance is beautiful and dark, just like my heart. She wins second place! YGG!!! Lucas wins first! Nice!

Duet
Jessi hurts her back before the dance. These girls probably have the bones of geriatrics. The dance is beautiful though. First place!

Group number
I have a bone to pick with the costumes. Honestly, every single costume these kids wear is a strip of fabric around their tits, a long skirt, and a sash. Is Myra making the costumes or what? Also this dance is sad! No! But they win overall. Good job, guys!

This episode was boring, and we’re tired and miss Dance Moms regs.

We’re giving this episode 2 out of 5 cheesy gordita crunches. Do they still make those? Are gordita crunches a Miami food? Are we just picking latin sounding things and listing them? (yes).

But just so you feel like reading this wasn’t a waste of your time, we will leave you with this amazing song.

Posted at 9:54am and tagged with: dance moms miami, miami, dance moms, lifetime, abby lee, angel, house of pain, dance, crazy, moms,.

May 16th 2012

Dance Moms Miami, Season 1, Episode 6

3 notes |#

DMM Season 1, Episode 6 Recap

Good morning everyone! Is anyone else having a lot of headaches lately? Maybe it’s from the humidity. Or maybe I just haven’t had any coffee yet and I’m freaking out. I hate being addicted to something!!!

Victor is so supportive. He tells the girls he thought they were fantastic last week. SEE! This is what I’m talking about! Finally we see some SUPPORT on this damn show. Then, of course, Angel crushes it all to shreds like the Kool-Aid man.

Lucas is at the top of the list! Adorable. Kimmsies is second. Jessi is third and oh, god, i don’t want to mess with that girl. She’s pissed. Sammy is fourth and Hannah is at the bottom. Aww poor girl. I love you. MEN need to be cool with women crying! It’s nbd! We all need to be better criers!

Victor announces that Jessi, Hannah, and Sammi will be doing a trio together and Jessi’s Mom, Moe, storms out of the room. I feel like that family is full of sleeping dragons Sleeping Drags .

Wait, did Sammi just call Hannah, “Anna”? OMG STOP! SHE TOTALLY DID! She doesn’t even know homegirl’s name. This show is such a fucking sham!

The group number is twisted circus. So fucked up. GIF REQUEST: Angel brooding, his brow furrowed, watching his tiny little dancers. That guy is such a fucking storm cloud, ya’ll.

Oh god, so Abby starts again on June 5. Is Miami still going to be going on? I don’t think I can handle two season at once!

They brought a carny from a trailer park in to help them become clowns! Why didn’t they ask Moe and her two brothers to help out?!?

Victor claims he was being “fierce” when really I was nervous for him! Get off that hoop, and please teach these girls! Whatever, at least he’s trying it!

Maureen (Kimmy) is pumped to have a contemporary routine that’s going to help her “let go”. Girl needs more than a dance to help that OCD, dance is the reason she’s insane to begin with!

Hannah, Jessi, and Sammi are in a trio. Ok. I’m just going to throw this idea out there: Puerto Rican Destiny’s Child. No? Ok, just thought I would try.

Hannah is rocking a smoldering smokey eye, girl you look good, but YOU’RE TOO LITTLE!

Anyways, what is it with all of these teachers trying to turn their dancers against each other? Are there any lessons in teamwork on any of these shows??

Moe’s makeup is OOC (out of control)! That bitch must spackle makeup on her face with a spatula every morning.

Hannah (poor baby!) starts crying because she can hear the moms talking shit about her. What the heck?! These moms SUCK. Victor, I love you, smart idea bringing the dancers outside. Remember when you were younger and the cool teachers were always like “let’s do class outside today.” And it was the best thing ever! Once we went outside for biology and I tried to seduce this loser in my class because he was always staring at me, and clearly he had a crush on me. Well, turns out he didn’t, he just had a lazy eye :(

Angel just walked in with balloons. Black balloons. Could you be any more EMO? Everyone is getting props …Jessi has a whip?!

You guys. Clowns. I really hope we don’t see any clowns.

I’m sorry but Moe really needs less screen time, her face is making my teeth hurt.

Lucas has a new guy Ricky. They are in love. I think Angel and Victor might be getting a little jealous…

So when is Lucas going to do anything different than his beautiful extensions? I need to see something more Lucas! Bring your artist out!

Wait, Lucas is confiding in Victor that people are calling him gay at school. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHOW TURNING INTO?! The producers clearly had Lucas do this. Justice from Candy Apple’s was never called gay! Probably because he lived in the shade of Tommy’s Jerky. That’s what they’re calling it these days.

Oh dear. Also, Victor in his suspenders is adorable.

Lucas’s Solo

Lucas is up first with his contemporary solo about getting hurt and he’s going to “show the audience what an artist really is.” I love you Lucas but you’re getting cocky as f*$k.You’re getting kind of Biebery.

Is he ever going to do a dance where he doesn’t just hold extensions? When are we going to see him jump?! Oh wait, that leap was beautiful. Shit, Lucas I love you!

Kimmy’s Solo

Great costume girl! She needs to learn how to move her head though, from the shoulders up she is so stiff! Also, her choreography is eerily similar to Lucas’s … Her arabesques are beautiful. Kimmy needs to go to a professional ballet school and get out of this circus school. They keep wanting to push Kimmy to show her true colors, what they don’t realize is that Kimmy’s true colors are as a ballerina with discipline!

Moe Drama

What is with her? Shut up Moe. Also, lose the crop top! Why doesn’t she ever stop crying! You are messing Jessi up!! Moe is crazy. Is she going through menopause or on lots of pills? There has to be some reason that this woman literally cries about everything. Sue: maybe she’s just going through something

Trio!

Costumes are … ok. Beginning poses are badass. These girls are fierce! This dance is kind of amazing. The choreography really pinpointed each dancer’s strengths! Nicely done!

AWARDS?

Kimmy got 5th place. Oh no, what’s she gonna do when she goes home? Cut herself?
Lucas got 1st place. What else is new?
Trio got 2nd place. I think they deserved first! Looks like Moe and I agree on something!

Insane Clown Posse

Juggalos

Jessi’s costume is badass. Lucas looks like a gay baker from France. Sorry, but it’s true. This music is the same song from the beginning of “Beauty And The Beast” omg when they show the stained glass story! I love that movie so much!

Anyways, something terrible happened during the dance I guess.

AND THEY GOT FIRST PLACE! Fairy tale ending!

Lucas does the robot, and Jessi drops it like it’s hot. GIF REQUEST!!!

Ugh Lucas stop acting so gay and tattletaling on everyone.

I give this episode 2 out of 5 margaritas. Snoozefest!

WE MISS PITTSBURGH!

margs

Posted at 9:17am and tagged with: dance moms, dance moms miami, miami, drugs, crazy, funny, comedy, your mom,.

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