Dance Moms Drama

Hey ya’ll it’s me, Anna! I am eating oatmeal with coconut milk for breakfast and it is so delicious I don’t know what to do with myself!! Maybe move to a commune where all we eat are coconut products??

Ok, let’s get down to business. The pyramid is messed up. Asia is on top, which I understand bc Abby ALWAYS loves the new girl. Poor McKenzie is always getting sick, maybe she’s just sick of being drilled every day and wants to be a normal kid??

The group number is about conservatives and liberals in politics. Jesus Abby, we get it!

She’s giving out a bunch of solos; Asia, Chloe, and Maddie! Oh crap. Chlo and Mad are like best friends why on earth do you keep pitting them against each other?

Oh wait, so now we’re realizing that this dance isn’t about politics in the White House, it’s about politics in dance. Abby is teaching these girls to be snarky bitches before they even learn the dance. Poor girls!

How old is Asia? She looks a like a muscular 4 yr old? There’s no way she can pick up this routine by not even practicing it! But instead, Abby gives Asia a hot jazz number where she plays Rosie the Riveter, who of course, Kelly has no idea who that is. Kelly’s the biggest dum dum on this show.

I wonder if Asia drinks protein shakes every morning.

Abby was being super sweet to Chlo during their solo rehearsal, so we will see…

Guys, this oatmeal really is so good! But it’s weird eating a hot breakfast when you’re sunburned. Yesterday it was 80 degrees here! I was outside with my family eating all day (bc that’s what we do) and ONE OF MY ARMS got sunburned. Just one. I look like an unloved child. I bet when Paige goes to the beach her mom forgets to put sunscreen on one of her arms :(

Melissa wants to get her kids homeschooled. Maddie is all for it. McKenzie is A NORMAL KID. She wants to be at school with her friends like a normal kid. She doesn’t want to spend her whole life dancing every minute. I bet when the camera’s off of her she lets Melissa have it. I really hope she does. Poor girl.

Now would be a great time for our fave Kenzie gif.

Wow. Kelly looks exhausted. The bags under her eyes are insane. But thank god the women try to talk some sense into Melissa about the home schooling! These girls are so good at dancing they could get a free ride into a good college, but if they’re home schooled who knows? Also, let me just say I know nothing about home schooling. Looks like Melissa just wants her kids to be celebrities. STAGE MOM.

I can’t take Asia’s muscles! Also, where the f is Cathy? She needs to be in every episode.

Abby wants the moms to cut up flags to make costumes. Wow. IS ABBY A TERRORIST?!?!? In Girls Scouts, if one flag even touch the ground you had to burn it. Remember?

Abby makes a good point about Maddie and Chloe getting better because they are competing against each other. But it’s still kind of messed up.

Can someone please tell us about Preachers’ Daughters? I feel like we should watch this, Sue! Sue here. Anna, I tried to pick it up in the middle of one episode but it might be too late? Like, since we didn’t start from the beginning we have no idea what’s happening. I wonder if it’s on demand. Also, BIG RICH ATL!

JILL SUCKS.

Why is she tattling on Asia? Ugh, everyone hates her and her soulless daughter Kendall. Just leave, please!

The costumes look crappy. Is ALDC running out of $$ or something?

Maddie gives Asia a terrifying “pep talk” before they hit the stage.

This dance kind of sucks. Also, that face the judge makes is hilarious and terrible.

Abby is having all the girls vote for Maddie or Chloe and she’s terrible. This is messed up!! You monster!!!

ASIA IS FIERCE! How does a girl that young have so much sass?! And that one eyebrow lift at the end? I love that chick. Even my boyfriend was like, “That was good.”

Chloe is wearing kind of a losery dress for her solo. Ooh but it does look beautiful when she turns. She looks stunning, she is so graceful and her lines are beautiful. I think her and Maddie are both wonderful but they are two totally different dancers! Like Chloe could be a rockette with those legs, Maddie couldn’t—but Maddie is still a wonderful and beautiful dancer!! Her solo is a bit boring though, eeek! SUE HERE: STOP SUCKING MADDIE’S DICK!

I can’t believe the group even got second place. These judges were too generous.

(Btw, what’s with the judge’s zoot suit outfit?)

Asia gets first place! YAYAYAYY!!!!

I can’t believe Maddie won. That’s insane. Her dance was beautiful. Poor Chloe has been trampled on for too long!

Also, Abby needs to lay off the bronzer a smidge.

Maddie wince the popular vote by four. That’s some real student council shit. Chloe, you are a STRONG BLACK WOMAN.

Asian yawns. You’re right girl. Also, Abby is wearing a huge engagement ring?! Boyfriend: “I hate this fucking show so much.” AND HE NEVER SWEARS.

This episode gets three out of five candy apples. Where’s Cathy?!

Posted at 10:30am and tagged with: dance moms, dance moms season 3, abby lee miller, asia, big rich atlanta, dance, suntan lotion, maddie ziegler, aldc,.

April 3rd 2013

Dance Moms Recap, Season 3, Episode 13

6 notes |#

Hey guys! Sue here! Long time no see. I have so much to tell you guys. First, when I hear Vanessa Hudgens’ name, in my head I think, “Vanessa Hug and Kiss.” Am I the only one? Second, Anna and I totally spaced last week and didn’t do the recap. Oops. But it looks like we missed a lot. Third, I went to Soul Cycle last night and a.) Allison Williams was in my class! and b.) OMG I am in so much pain this morning.

This is what Sue was doing everyone. Sue, you crazy!

I think that about covers it. Oh! Anna and I went for a sexy oyster dinner last night and now my jeans don’t fit right. Oops.

Sue, don’t even get me started I had such sexy dreams last night! Oysters make you horny! Right?!?!

Oh, the pyramid is happening. Kelly has a nice new chestnut brown color in her confessional. Maybe it’s just the lighting? It brings out her eyes.

Abby says Asia from her Ultimate Dance Competition is going to be showing. Ohhkay. Whatever. I’ve been so mucusy lately. I was deathly sick last week and I couldn’t shake it. I swear. I was in bed for three days. Which is so unlike me. But, anyway, I feel better now I just am like a snot volcano fountain over here.

So what did I miss last week? Melissa got married and the choreographer wore some weird 80s thigh-high stuffs?

The theme for this is reincarnation and stuff. Yo, what’s your feelings about Long Island Medium? I LOVE her. I think she is so real and spot on. But all of our friends were saying at dinner last night that she was a sham.

Anna here, Sue and I love Theresa Caputo! My friend is going to be on an episode next season!! Wooooooo!

Cathy and her gimmicky Candy Apple’s are in this episode, PJ (praise Jesus.) Her guest choreographer is John Culbertson. A very tan man who is friends with Abby… Why all the guest choreographers?

Remember when we first met Cathy? I wonder if she’s still obsessed with purses.

Abby tells Melissa she’s thinking of getting Broadway Baby stuffed. That’s the weirdest shit I ever heard. When I was in high school I used to party at this girl Amanda Paul’s house, and they had a stuffed albino squirrel on top of the TV (before TVs were flat). It was the grossest thing ever.

Cathy Candy Aps is choreographing something about the Depression. The moms call Asia’s Mom Skinny Kristi. How rude!

The moms try to intimidate her about the contract and tell her that if she leaves before a year she’ll owe Abby $100K and she goes, “Thank god I have $100,000.” WERK!

Abby asks Kristi if they are being nice to her. Oh, go cry into your taxidermied dog, Abby. Stop trying to start shit.

Kristi is in Mufasa’s seat on the buss. OOOOh lawwwwwd watch out. These girls got their assigned seats! YOU GUYS! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AT SOUL CYCLE? I asked the guy on the bike next to my friend if he would switch with me so I could sit next to her and he was like, “But this is my bike.” Super mean. NO IT AIN’T! It doesn’t have your name on it! He finally did but he was SO RUDE!!!

We get it Sue, you work out with celebrities!!!! Meanwhile I’m over here eating a sausage egg and cheese sandwich. Guys, I tried to do this paleo diet and it just isn’t working for me! Girl’s gotta eat cheese and bread!

Abby goes to the taxidermy farm and homeboy’s got zebras and lizards and shit. You guys watch that episode of the Kardashians where Scott kills a gator? Yuck. That scene where they skin the gator has been haunting me for the last week.

The moms try to stir some shit and speculate whether Asia will replace Kenz. Please. Just. Please.

I love all these hallway shots of Abby approaching. They’re so dramatic and amazing. Abby gives John a huge hug to intimidate Cathy Candy Aps.

Asia’s solo is great and I love the music. But. What’s with the weird bunny/dog costume? It totally doesn’t match.

The Candy App’s duet is very Dance Moms Miami. Remember those crazies? Also, where did Cathy get this random girl from?

The trio is great and I love their sassy orange outfits.

Cathy Candy Apps group number is actually interesting. Even my boyfriend said, “I feel like this is really good, right? That choreographer guy looks like something from Twin Peaks.”

Abby’s group number is good… but like, medium.

Asia wins first place, the trio wins second, Cathy’s boys win a perfect score first place and my boyfriend says, “Told you that was good.”

Then, of course, we cut to the dressing room and do a Cathy/Abby fight. Abby needs to take it easy on her voice!

This episode gets 4 out of 5 candy apples, because we love Cathy and Abby in the same room together!

Posted at 12:25pm and tagged with: Dance mom, dance moms, lifetime, abby lee miller, abby lee, cathy, CADC, aldc, Dance competition, dance, dance recital, Mackenzie Ziegler, maddie ziegler, chloe luksiak, nia, pennsylvania, ohio,.

March 20th 2013

Season 3, Episode 12 Recap CATHY’S BACK!

4 notes |#

Hey guys! Sue here. Do you believe what I just did? I roasted some brocooli and made myself some quinoa like a motherfucking monster. That’s what happens when you quit your dayjob out of nowhere with no life plan.

Guys, honestly, Anna did the recap last week so I didn’t watch the episode. I’m sorry! I think I was serving couscous to some finance guy or something. So, what I’m asking is, why was So and So in a wheelchair? Doesn’t matter. She’s at the bottom of the pyramid. Maddie is third and Kendall is second. Wow. I guess Mufasa’s bribes are finally working. Nia is at the top! Finally! I love her.

Listen, I was in Pittsburgh this weekend and I opened my stepdad’s fridge and I found some hot eggs. Pennsylvania is a weird ass place. (This should take u to a pic of hot eggs from my insta http://instagram.com/p/W4gyDqzGIk/)

The group number this week is about Rosa Parks and Abby is hemming and and hawing about giving her the role. Abby? NIA IS YOUR ONLY BLACK GIRL. You ain’t got no choice. Then she gets on Holly’s ass about her outfit? Bitch, you better go on because you out of yo damn mind.

Abby tells the girls that they ain’t working hard enough because they’re too concerned about their Instagram likes. THAT’S TRUE! I like your pics erryday! Also, I get so obsessed with my precious likes. OBSESSED.

Yes! It’s a Candy Apple’s episode. We get a shot of Vivi right away. And Cathy is wearing some 90s-era burgundy lipstick, like I know Anna likes. Cathy look just like Anna when we filmed that video. Did you guys all watch that?

Oh god, they’re doing a Candy Apple’s/Gangam Style dance. I honestly can’t think of anything more cliche. This morning I saw a Pistachios commercial with Psy and dancing pistachios and I just wanted to barf.

Abby is taking Holly shopping? What? How is ABBY a fashion authority? Mufasa tags along because she’s a conniving biotch. Of course she tries to get white little Kendall to play Rosa Parks. She don’t stop.

Cut back to Candy Apple’s! Vivi! Please drop some gold, Vivi. Please, oh please! Cathy gives her a ballet class and she looks more uncomfortable than my little brother at a Buddhist meditation retreat.

Honestly, if only you guys could see the gchat Anna and I are having right now. Hint: it has to do with your butt.

Abby gives Kendall a weird facial expression tutorial. I dunno. I just picture Abby making those faces in the mirror alone every morning, don’t you.

Abby finally gives Nia the Rosa Parks role after admitting she was just doing a mini little mindfuck. I have chili all over my mouth and quinoa all over my hands. I’m such a hippie sometimes.

Yo, you guys ever watch Mackenzie’s makeup tutorials? They are just adorable. Part of me thinks she really lacks supervision.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWXHGhz7XkY

I gotta tell you about this epic nap I took at about 5pm today. I slept for like, 45 minutes. Then I woke up and I had no idea what time it was or where I was. One of those. Cats all over me. Perfect.

Why does Cathy Candy Apple’s have guest choreographers every week? She cain’t do that shit on her own? Abby never does. She fights with him and it’s pretty great because he tells her she’s a phony.

Oh! Also, my friend was dogsitting this chocolate lab today and I looked into her eyes and I swear I saw God.

Cathy gets a plaque from a City Councilman and Vivi dances like a monkey and I almost wet myself. GIF REQUEST PLS! She is even wearing a coat like that Ikea monkey. Anyway, this whole Councilman thing looks incredibly staged. And YES! Christi points out the grammatical apostrophe mistake. FINALLY, AN ALLY!!!!!

Cut to Cathy and Vivi at a place called Alterations by Shelly. Ugh, Candy Apples is SO low budge. I don’t know why she makes her try on all the boys costumes. Also, she asks Vivi if she knows what Wall Street is and then tell her it was a movie? Um, no. Idiot.

The girls’ costumes are too slutty. Sorry. I said it. Not age appropriate at all.

You guys watching Preacher’s Daughters? Worth it?

I do like this guest choreographer at the Candy Ap’s though. “You missed your cue? Why? It’s showtime.” He’s so right. When it’s showtime, nothing else matters.

Hello!! Anna here, taking over this last half of the recap because let’s face it—these 2 hour episodes are INTENSE! I have so many opinions and feelings about this episode right now, I can’t wait to write about it!! Also, if you haven’t seen it yet, this is Sue and I as Abby and Cathy, please enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIWGfZxxKLY

Sorry, I know I’m plugging our video again but I just can’t help it when Cathy’s here!!

JILL IS THE WORST PERSON EVER. MUFASA IS THE WORST!! CATHY IS THE WORST MOTHER EVER! Also, I hate Candy Apple’s but I love K-Pop more than anything! I’m sorry, I’ve just been holding it in the past hour, I’m so happy I can let it out.

Alright, back to the recap.

Ok, I cannot believe this scene with Cathy and Vivi. Why is she making Vivi try on these terrible costumes? I don’t understand why she’s dressing Vivi up like a terrorist?! The camo hat, the bandana over her face, and the horribly ugly “nice suit” reminds me of the terrorists from Zero Dark Thirty. Which was a terrifying movie btw.

Chloe and Paige look like ultimate prostitutes. But they also look fabulous. Those costumes are PERFECT for instagram!

Costumes tonight are literally amazing. All of these girls look like the black ladies in church from “The Help” with those little hats.

OMG Cathy has hired bodyguards. This is hilarious. When my little brother came into town I felt like I had a bodyguard. He’s 230lbs and 6 ft tall and he was always waking one step behind me bc he doesn’t know New York. It was a really nice feeling.

Poor So and So can’t handle doing all of these girls make up! But when it comes down to it, looks like all she’s doing is lipstick. Mufasa is such a BITCH.

Kendall’s Solo:

First off, great costume. Seriously this episode has the best costumes ever! I mean sure, she’s doing some of the faces Abby taught her but she still looks dead inside. Poor girl has had her soul sucked out by Mufasa! Ok. But that wink at the end was totally adorbs. I don’t know how to wink. Everytime I try people think I’m having a stroke.

Maddie’s Solo:

I love how LES MIS her costume is! She is a goddamn beautiful dancer. Seriously, tears get in my eyes when I see her dance. It’s truly beautiful. Just look at her face, it is 1000x more expressive than Kendall’s. I’m sorry Kendall, but you have a lot to learn from this beautiful dancer. Maddie I love you!!! Haha Cathy couldn’t even look up to watch the dance, what a BIATCH!

Jaylin? sp? Solo:

He looks like a mini stripper. His dad is a piece of work, shouting like he’s at a football game. I’m sure he wanted his kid to play football so badly. OMG he actually started stripping! Cathy calls it a “costume change” but when you take off a big part of your costume and throw it on the stage, well, that’s called stripping Cathy!

Wow, this is so sad, after the dance he’s beating himself up. Poor guy! You’re a great dancer, you’re just stuck with a horrible woman as your dance teacher! Switch to team Abby!!

Why does Kelly keep saying no to the duet? Just shut up and blow your nose Kelly!

The Duet:

Ok, Paige and Chloe are stunning. They could be twins for sure! The dance was good, but it is kind of crazy how much more advanced Chloe is than Paige. Don’t get me wrong, Paige is an amazing dancer! But Chloe makes it look so much easier. I miss Chloe’s solos.

OMG the shot of these bodyguards monitoring the Candy Apple’s pep talk cracked me up.

Gangam Group Dance:

This is a weird remix of Gangam Style. I personally would have enjoyed it way more if they actually did the Gangam Style dance, oh wait! There’s a little bit in there!! Ok, Jaylin is awesome. Those ridiculous glasses, he’s adorable! He’s like that group’s little So and So.

Rosa Parks Group Dance:

I cannot take this little hats! I hope none of them fall off! They need to beat those boys! This dance is beautiful, Nia is wonderful. Both at dancing and acting. I thought the whole dance was beautiful! But Brooke meandering aimlessly was a little awkward… I really hope they still get first place though!

Jaylin is such a cocky lil boy, thinking he’s going to win while he got 6th.

Kendall got 2nd and Maddie got 1st. Perfect!

Chloe and Paige got 1st place!!!!!!! Thank god! Now Kelly won’t kill herself!!

Also, this whole eat crow bit is too much for me.

Rosa Parks got first place! Wooohoooo!! Seriously, that dance was amazing. Here is a bootleg copy of it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2XdAxBrh2Q

OMG now the Dance Moms are plotting their revenge on the Candy Apple’s to gloat this is ridiculous.

Cathy tells them to suck in their guts haha I love how the one time she actually “needs them” the bodyguards are nowhere to be found.

This episode gets 5 out of 5 apples. Cathy + amazing costumes + amazing dancing! I’m sold!

Could have used more Vivi though …oh well!

Posted at 11:04am and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, dance, lifetime, Dance competition, maddie ziegler, chloe luksiak, nia, pennsylvania, pittsburgh, candy apple, candy apples, cathy, aldc, ohio, ViVi, paige hyland, brooke hyland,.

March 6th 2013

Season 3, Episode 10 Recap

8 notes |#

Hi guys! How’s it going? My boyfriend was drinking milk before bed and he left it out all night and I’m so grossed out. Is it still good? Should I put it back in the fridge? Cow’s milk is just the nastiest stuff.

Pyramid. Abby is getting on everyone’s dicks for not doing the right choreography but it was an improvised show anyway so wtf? Kenzie’s has fierce face in her new headshot. She could be on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Little Kenzie gets a solo! Aww do they BOTH have braces?

Hot-ass Nick is coming back to do the group number! Brooke is the female lead and I think Abby is trying to make a little love connection.

Kelly says her first love is dead… Um, I don’t think we’ve had backstory on this ever. SO WTF? Then they go on a dating website to try to find someone for Abby? Yo, do you think Abby’s a virgin? I get the feeling that she’s never had love in her life.

You guys, I’ve been getting back into one of my fave reality TV shows, Ruby, on Netflix. OMG she is just the best. It’s one woman’s journey to lose weight. Apparently she is still a virgin. Not because she couldn’t get a guy— she had dumb old Denny for eight years— but because she’s saving herself for marriage. I mean, Denny is ok and I understand having that chemistry with someone. He just seems so sketchy.

Then Abby does some grind moves and it’s hilarious. GIF REQUEST PLS. Also, I love this new, emotionally vulnerable Abby. I love watching Abby and the Moms get along!

The Moms bring a limo for Abby to go to her speed dating and Abby says she won’t come if Christi’s there. I get it. She feels emotionally threatened by Christi. And this is going to be a vulnerable place so she doesn’t want to feel like she’s gonna get teased. Abby likes guys that are worldly and tells the moms she’s dating a guy right now. Amazing. Even though it’s a tragedy, I sort of feel like Broadway Baby dying was the best thing that could have happened to her because she’s so much more open.

Abby’s first question to her potential match is, “Do you own your own tuxedo?” I LOVE LOVE LOVE that that’s the first thing she wants to know about someone. Who ASKS someone that? Sheesh. She is like an elderly drag queen on the inside.

Her second is, “How many times have you been to Disneyworld.” ALSO AMAZING. The first guy is like too edgy for her. But Carl, the second guy is sweet. And Abby gives him a creepy wink which is PRICELESS.

Jill says, “It would be great if Abby finds love because it would make our lives a whole lot easier.” What she means is, “ABBY NEEDS TO GET THAT DICK ASAP SO SHE CAN CHILL OUT.”

Oops, I tuned out for a minute because I was getting my calendar together for the next few months. BECAUSE I AM SO IMPORTANT. J/k I quit my job waiting tables and now that shit IS BLANK except for all the freakin weddings I have to go to this summer. Just WAIT until all your friends get to be that age. You will have to go to SO MANY weddings. You think it’s gonna be cool but then it’s the most boring shit ever. And the bachelorette parties? Don’t even get me started. You want us to all sit around and watch you open presents from your registry that we SAW WHEN WE WERE BUYING YOUR PRESENT? Oh hell naw. This is the only reason I want to get married someday. My friends all owe me.

Anyway, Abby wants a ring from this gay guy in California. I actually think that would be her soulmate. A gay guy would be a perfect match for her because they all have tuxes. I don’t mean that in a racist way. I’m jealous.

Aww, the dresses for this group number are so traditional and beautiful. I just love ballet culture. I’m personally rhythmically challenged, but I’m fascinated by people who have that in them.

Nia is sick with bronchitis. This ain’t good. You guys, I’m going to go to this Vinyasa class today and it’s going to be life-changing. I’ve been going to Om Factory in Union Square and doing their aerial classes too. I swear. Straight up life changing.

So-and-so’s solo is very dramatic and like, emotional and grown-up. It was perfect. Hey do you think Melissa got extensions too? Her hair looks fuller and thicker.

Jill takes Kendall in the hall to give Kendall a secret private. What a little snake. I kind of love her scheming. Nia and Kendall’s duet is so weird. Like, they totally interperted the song literally. The lyricsa are about diging deeper so she gvae them hardhats and shovels. Nia gives great face though.

Maddie’s solo is pretty and very Maddie. The group number is SO SO musical theater. You guys loved Les Mis, right? Even though we’re comedians we LOVED it.

Maddie gets second place and so does the group number. Abby is pissed. Listen Abby, I would just like to get second place in one thing. To stand out enough to the point where someone takes me aside and says, “You almost did it. You beat out all of these people and you were almost the best. You’re really talented and you stand out. Here’s a medal.” I would LOVE that!!!!

This episode gets 3 out of 5 candy apples.

Posted at 1:26pm and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, abby lee miller, gif, candy apples, dance, dance competition,.

February 27th 2013

Dance Moms Recap Season 3, Episode 9 RIP BROADWAY BABY

5 notes |#

Hi everyone! Sue here. I’m so sleepy. I just had a coffee and I was high as a kite but now I’m crashing.

Anna here! I’m eating the most bizarre foods in my house for breakfast, stay tuned. I’m starting with candy egg whoppers.

Abby comes in right away and says Broadway Baby died. Aww, I’m sad for Flabby. Every day I look in my cat’s eyes and dread the day she’s going to die. I will just be so sad.

Anna here, I just started sobbing when Abby came in and said Broadway Baby died. I mean sure, I’m on a ton of sudafed and cough syrup but still—SO EMOTIONAL! I actually feel bad for Flabby!!!

Nia is almost at the top of the pyramid! YGG! Maddie is back on top. EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. Except Chloe is still on suspension and Kenize ain’t in the group number. WAH.

Paige looks STUNNING! Right?? Maddie, Kenzie, and Nia look stunning as well—because they’re not wearing any make up! Girls, you’re in rehearsal don’t wear make up!!

OMG Black Patsy is coming back. I can’t wait. She is like Cathy Candy Apple’s TIMES A MILLION. She is what my dreams look like. Now that Broadway Baby is dead, maybe Abby will sell me her dog stroller so I can take my cats for a walk and I can never be without their love.

In Abby’s confessional where she is wearing the green shirt, she looks super drugged up. You takin dat Klonopin, girl?

Sixteen is pretty old for a dog. My cats are nine and five already.

The moms have the idea of switching the group number and dedicating it to Abby. That’s the dumbest shit I ever heard because Abby is gonna be mad pissed. Duhhhhhh.

This dog is actually a bit terrifying.

Christi and Kelly are still fighting about like, whatever. Oh no, then we see a shot of Abby going home, to her all-white house and crying in front of a picture of Broadway Baby with her mom. I love animals so much. Did you know that I was such a weird kid that I just didn’t “get” pets? My friend Rachel had this big boxer named Pochantas and she was so jumpy. I just hated that thing. We had a cat and I liked it fine but I never thought it whispered into my heart or anything. I dunno. It took me a long time to develop empathy because I have a learning disability that’s OTS.

OH! Guess what happened this week! Noodle and Brindle (my cats) fight all the time. They always have. Just like, swat at each other and stuff. But yesterday I found a little scar on Brin’s ear and it must be from Noodle! What a bitch! I put Neosporin on it, don’t worry.

Black Patsy. Can people call me White Ass Sue?

Yes. But only if you can call me Honky Anna.

Abby’s mom looks mad sick. Also, I thought she lived in Florida? Abby is so sad. Maybe she is a real human.

OMG this scene between Abby and her mom is so depressing. I’m eating ranch flavored wheat thins for breakfast with slices of ricotta salata cheese on them—A CRY FOR HELP?!

Who’s Nyala? We’ve never seen THIS choreographer before. I mean. Good.

But her name isn’t Patsy. It’s Kya. So I don’t get it. I mean, I guess I could be White Ass Margaret if I wanted to be.

Noodle is kneading my flabby belly like she DIDN’T give Brin a ear scab.

Kelly and Christi get into a shouting match. Pretty sure this is the first time we’ve seen this sort of in-fighting among the moms. (Oops, just typed “mongs.”)

Abby dramatically returns to the studio for the sake of Broadway Baby. Direct quote: “Nothing makes me happier than working with Maddie.” LOL!

She’s pissed about the surprise choreography, obvs. Did they honestly think that would be ok? Abby is so emotionally vulnerable right now!

I don’t know about you, but White Ass Margaret loves Black Patsy. I think it’s maybe racist to call someone “ghetto,” but she’s SO GHETTO!!! I think on the inside White Ass Margaret has always been a Black Patsy.

I think Nia looks adorable in her costume. Her dance is very traditionally jazzy, but she gives good face.

Madison is a stripper name these days. I always forget that’s Maddie’s full name… Yeah, Madison is someone who works at Hooters. Maddie is a sweet Southern Belle.

Maddie dedicates her solo to Broadway Baby and Abby breaks down. The rest of the moms go nuts. Jeez shut UP already. Also, her costume looks like the North Korean flag.

Oops, got distracted watching videos of myself read affirmations that were on my computer. I literally had no idea they were on there. Jesus Sue, be more of an ACTOR why don’t ya??

JK, I get distracted watching videos of Suzy too. She’s really funny and beautiful.

The kids are improvising the group number. SHIT IS WHACK. White Ass Margaret is JUST APPALLED. I think it actually looks good. It’s nice to do something refreshing and happy for once.

Black Patsy is trying to pick a fight with Dr. Holly and she’s so not into it. I really think Holly is the most emotionally stable person on this show.

Also, I like seeing Abby vulnerable like this. She’s not as mean. Black Patsy starts picking fights with everyone… Yo, how are we all just cool with calling this woman Black Patsy?

Christi is too scared to fight because she’s afraid Black Patsy’s gonna pull out her weave. You know she would’ve!!!!

Christi and Kelly make up. And Black Patsy gets kicked out of the competition. I mean, she just wanted attention anyway so whatever.

Nia gets a costume award! After Abby made fun of it! Yay!

Nia gets third place, Maddie gets first, and the group number gets first even though the moms choreographed it.

Yo, they do a Broadway Baby montage at the end and that’s kind of an ugly ass dog. She’s pretty fat.

I can’t wait to see Abby go speed dating on the next episode!

Aww, little Noodle has the hiccups. I love her!

This episode gets 4 out of 5 candy apples because BWAY BABY IS RIDICULOUS.

Posted at 11:14am and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, black patsy, broadway baby, lifetime, dance, competition, maddie ziegler, chloe luksiak, nia, pittsburgh, crazy, candy apple,.

February 21st 2013

11 notes |#

RARE FOOTAGE OF CATHY AND ABBY LEE MILLER!

Written and Performed by Anna Callegari & Sue Smith

Directed by Dan DeLorenzo

DP Zack Bornstein

Thanks to UCB, Carrie Watt, Douglas Widick

Posted at 11:06am and tagged with: anna callegari, sue smith, dance moms, abby's ultimate dance competition, dance, lifetime, abby lee miller, cathy, candy apples, funny, sketch, parody, dan delorenzo,.

February 13th 2013

7 notes |#

Hello dear followers! We are so busy with our show this week that sadly we don’t have time for a recap :(

But here is a sneak peek of Sue as Abby and me (Anna) as Cathy!

Come to UCB Chelsea at 6:30pm on Feb 14 for more!!

Thanks for reading, and we promise to make it up to all of you next week with a super duper recap and maybe we’ll even include our sketch video ;)

Posted at 2:37am and tagged with: dance moms, cathy, abby lee miller, dance, lifetime, ucb, spank, show, comedy,.

Hello dear followers! We are so busy with our show this week that sadly we don’t have time for a recap :(
But here is a sneak peek of Sue as Abby and me (Anna) as Cathy!
Come to UCB Chelsea at 6:30pm on Feb 14 for more!!
Thanks for reading, and we promise to make it up to all of you next week with a super duper recap and maybe we’ll even include our sketch video ;)

January 29th 2013

Season 3, Episode 5 Recap

4 notes |#

It’s Anna here, and my roommate still smells and I just ate a whole bunch of chocolate almond butter cookies and I’m literally bouncing off the walls!!!!!! Wheeeeeeee.

WOW Just reminding all of you NYC people to catch our show about reality tv this Valentine’s Day! Link for tickets is here!

We are so excited for this show, and on Friday we are actually shooting a video for the show about CATHY AND ABBY! We cannot wait to show you guys!

Ok, so pumped for this show to START WOOOOOOOO Is that lil chick coming back to twirl her f-ing baby face off?!?!?! She better be! Also, the fact that Cathy and Vivi are still in the opening gives me SO MUCH HOPE.

Woah. Looks like Kendall and Maddie got second place. Oooops! I wonder how this will effect the pyramid?!?!!?

Christi looks like an ex-showgirl in that sparkly outfit. Mufasa looks like a washed up cokehead from Studio 54. Kind of like the Mike Myers character? Anyone watch that movie? It’s great.

I’m so happy to see a lot of the girls without make-up! All of you girls are beautiful! We love seeing your beautiful faces!

Kendall and Maddie and Nia ON THE BOTTOM
Paige and Chloe IN THE MIDDLE
So and So is ON TOP!!! Love that chick. Her teeth are so cute, mine looked like that before I got braces. Braces were the worst.

So looks like we have two replacements coming in, Katie and Bella—they look like adults. My friend babysits this kid named Tyler and he looks like a manchild. Seriously. He’s four but he has the face of an adult and he is too big for a stroller. It’s the creepiest shit. We gave him a cookie the other day and he was like, “NOM NOM NOM.”

Ok, Christi totally has a weave. Anyway, I cannot wait for this contortionist routine. It seems vaguely racist. Abby’s forte!

Jesus christ Mufasa, your outfit is bad enough why add that heinous boa?

Guys. I’m really regretting eating all of those cookies. They are not sitting well. My eye is also twitching. I’m like a freaking baby when it comes to sugar! Don’t even let me NEAR some Haribo.

Melissa is confronting Abby blah blah blahh

HOLY SHIT. Do you guys remember Skipper from Sex and the City Season 1? He was Carrie’s weird friend that was in love with Miranda. He is in a COMMERCIAL now. Acting careers always make me sad.

More shots of the girls doing acro, less shots of the moms complaining about bullshit!

Chlo gets a solo! I hope she doesn’t Chlo it …

Maddie’s got braces! Clear braces! Aww she’s adorable!!

OMG. Abby is crying to Maddie, Maddie is crying to Abby. This is so much drama, I feel terrible for the both of them. Maddie was Abby’s protege! Sue, I know you’re going to hate me for saying this, but I feel awful for Abby! I love that woman right now! I love Maddie! So many emotions! So many cookies that I ate! Sue here. I think Abby was totally actor crying to manipulate Maddie. Just makes me hate her more.

What kind of accent does Mufasa have? I don’t understand her. Also, do these women go to specialty stores that specialize in the ugliest patterns in the world? Melissa’s bangs look like she’s an extra from one of the “Back to the Future” movies OR DJ Tanner.

OOOOH the replacements are competing against us! Guys, how sick are you of the name Bella? So sorry if that’s your name, but COME ON! It’s EVERYWHERE right now.

So and So is doing her solo first, YGG you can do it! Oh no, she forgot her dance! She’s so freaking adorable it’s ok, love! Oh look, she has braces too!! The Ziegler girls have braces! I love them both more than anything, even myself.

Oooh, her mom says, “She is not Maddie.” That’s so mean.

WTF is with Abby’s sea rope necklace? It’s like she’s a barge being tied to the pier. She loves nautical themed jewelry. I am one catty bitch in today’s recap I apologize! It was the cookies!

There’s some drama in the hallway with the Bellas and their ages. Christi has a good punchline about how Cathy’s dancers looked like they were 27 so it’s ok. I’m so tired. I just want to watch an episode of Catfish and pass out. I love that show. It’s like, “Marry me!” “We’ve been talking for two years but I never did a Google Image Search because I want to lie to myself!” “AGHHHHHH!!!! You’re a fat troll!!!!”

Both Kaeli and Bella do weird things with their hands and feet—the ALDC is way better trained in technique than these dummy Studio Bleu girls.

Chloe’s costume is gorgeous except for that weirdass head shawl. What is with that?

Bella does an ok job. Eh. GO CHLO! GO CHLO! I personally think Chloe is better than the other girls. But we will see…

Abby just tore Melissa and her family a new one. WOAH. Hey Abby? Melissa’s personal life is none of your business and you’re being VERY unprofessional right now. You’re like evil incarnate. You’re like if Satan swallowed the Kool-Aid man and then started breathing fire.

Melissa? It IS ok for Maddie to cry. She’s a kid and she’s hurt. Let her feel her feelings.

The Studio Bleu group number is kind of a snoozer. Abby loves it though. PAIGE has braces, too!!!! The ALDC group number is beautiful. I love the stage picture. This is probs my favorite group number they’ve ever done, even though it’s vaguely racist. Vacist?

So and So gets third! Still good! Chlo gets second place? Lame. Studio Bleu Kaeli beats her. OMG, Arabian Nights gets FOURTH PLACE. OUTRAGE!!!! Studio Cordon Bleu gets first. This show is so staged. So staged… Anyway.

Abby tells Christi to stop making excuses for her kid because she’s in school. She’s fucking ridiculous. Christi calls her a fatty over and over again. It’s PRICELESSSSSSS. Poor Chlo gets so sad. And Christi gets another great punchline…. Ooh, Cathy Candy Apple’s is back next week!

This episode gets four out of five andy apples because it’s just amazing.

Posted at 11:18pm and tagged with: candy apples, dance moms, dance, abby lee miller, chloe, maddie ziegler,.

January 23rd 2013

Season 3, Episode 4 Recap

2 notes |#

Good morning everyone! Anna and I have something big to announce!

We wrote a new comedy show about our love of reality television called Dumb & Famous. It debuts at 6:30pm on Valentine’s Day at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theatre. If you’re in NYC, check it out!!!

We would love nothing more if the beautiful ladies who read this blog could make it to our show—we even have a sketch about Abby and Cathy!!!!

ANYWAY,
Chloe is at the bottom of the pyramid because she forgot her solo. So are Nia and Mackenzie. Abby is rocking some Dynasty hair today. Like she used some Dep gel on that shit.

She puts Maddie and Kendall in the middle, not before comparing them to Sophia, who’s at the top of the pyramid. Brooke ain’t in the pyramid but her ombre looks beautiful!

You guys, my cat isn’t eating her wet food. She’s just sitting by the heater like a weirdo. Should I be scared? It’s cold outside. Maybe she just cold. Speaking of which, I was gonna try to go to a boot camp class in an hour but it’s TEN DEGREES OUT.

Their solo is about immigrants. I dunno, isn’t that racist because everyone’s an immigrant? Unless you’re a Native American. Man I wish I was a Native American. I have this friend who is, and she wanted to take a photography class so she called up her tribe and was like, “Hey can I have some money?” And they were like, “NP, homie.” WHERE DO I GET A TRIBE?

What was I talking about? My lips are so chapped. They’re gross.

Speaking about boats, can we talk about Les Mis? OMG! Anne Hathaway. WHAT. AN. ACTOR!!! I LOVE On My Own. AND, sadly, I related so much to that slave song. I wait tables for a living, soooo…. OMG Sue you KNOW I could go on and on about Les Mis. It was pure therapy for me, bc I was clearly going through some shit when I saw it. I could not stop crying and IT FELT GREAT.

Melissa is fake as shit. Mufasa asks her if Maddie is sad that she doesn’t have a solo and she gets this high-pitched voice and says she’s happy to have a duet.

OMG there’s a shot of Abby’s house and it is NOT that spectacular!!! She makes the moms come over to clean out her garage and look for some props and they find a dead rat. I’m gagging.

So and So! So cute! Lemonade. I love when she sings that song. Abby gets Melissa to admit she ain’t happy Maddies is doing a duet with Kendall, info that she uses against her because she is a dumb snake.

You guys read this book? So sad! I was reading it on the subway last night and I got off the train but I had to sit there, in the station, in the cold, to finish it. Then I cried the whole walk home. Then I told my boyfriend I loved him.

OMG Sue stop. At least you HAVE a boyfriend to tell you love him too, all I have is a smelly roommate. Sorry if you’re reading this right now, but you smelly.

Anyway, they’re going to North Carolina on a bus. Ugh, that’s probably the longest bus ride. Then they get the cheering section again when they enter. TEN DEGREES!!!!! STFU!!!

Mackenzie’s solo is adorable but then a little sexy for a minute. That’s weird. That makes me feel like a creep for watching. She rocks it and her head pieces doesn’t fall out. Paige’s costume is amazing. Right up my alley because purple is my favorite color. Except, last year I bought this purple North Face and I kind of regret getting that color because it doesn’t match with ANYTHING. I mean, the logic was, “Everyone in NYC has a boring black coat. I want something different.” But now I look like Grimace.

NO! Sue, that coat is adorbs!

Then Abby tells Melissa her ex-husband said she was two faced. That’s some below the belt shit. Then Mufasa freaks out and gets Kendall all stressed. Their duet is great though. Love those PK turns!

So and So gets first place!!! And Paige gets third! The duet gets first and Abby says it’s because they were looking at Maddie and not Kendall. That makes me sad on the inside. These girls deal with so much criticism from Abby.

OH MY GOD! Before the group number, they’re warming up with Crazy Eights! That is the number one improv warm-up ever. The group number is… eh… I don’t get it. For some reason it gets first place. Anna, can you weigh in here? Yes I can. First of all, there is no way they get first place at EVERY competition. Do you think Abby has it in their contract that they can only air episodes where they get first place? Or maybe Lifetime pays off the judges? Let us know what you think girls!

This episode get three apples.

Posted at 10:09am and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, candy apples, ziegler, melissa, maddie, mufasa, dance, dance competition, lifetime, pittsburgh, grimace, candy, apple,.

January 2nd 2013

Season 3, PREMIERE RECAP

11 notes |#

Hi guys! We missed you! Ugh, how boring was Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition?! So glad the DRAMA is back!

First of all, we want you to know that we’re writing a show about our love of reality TV. We’re so excited and can’t wait to tell you more once it’s finished. Hint: Sue is playing Honey Boo Boo and Anna is playing Cathy Candy Apple’s.

Okay, Sue here. I watched the reunion special for a hot minute. (Sidenote: my boyfriend and I have been in a Homeland k-hole and now I’m so paranoid. EVERYONE IS A SPY. Does anyone else watch that show? Angela Chase is so intense!) I’m pretty sure that Abby’s a lezzie from the way she answers the first question. (I don’t mean it in a negative way. I just want to bring “lezzie” back from the 90s because it’s funny.) Also, Abby’s feet are on a box! HAHAHA she must be so little! AND I think she’s wearing Fitflops. People think you won’t notice if you wear those things, but we notice. We always do. Does Abby look like she lost weight to anyone else? Mazel.

Anna here! For a second I thought that Abby was sitting on a body pillow and then I realized it was just her back. Also, Abby has a boyfriend?! We need to see more of him. SO much more! Also, WHO in the world did they get to ask these questions? I could have really used the make up artist that spackled make up onto these dance moms’ faces yesterday. When I woke up after NYE I looked in the mirror and screamed! Then I ordered a crab cake sandwich and I’ve literally had food in my mouth ever since. My New Year’s diet doesn’t start till February!!!!!!

All the moms are so Hollywood now with their extensions. Hair done, nails done, everything did. Nia does a death drop. Awesome! Why is Cathy Candy Apple’s still on this show? She tells those “broads” to shut up and FINALLY someone calls her out on her grandma lingo. Also, she’s wearing those Roman sleeves. Dance Moms love a good Roman Sleeve.

I cannot watch anymore of this reunion.

LET’S GET TO THE PREMIERE!

Abby’s not doing a pyramid because Kelly doesn’t show up. GOOD, KELLY! YGG! Abby’s pissed because the kids just wanted to go be kids over the summer and catch crayfish and stuff. Crayfish are gross. I can’t believe people in Louisiana eat those things. Also, when I went to New Orleans in high school, we took a swamp tour and the guide called rats “swamp bunnies.” Gross.

Side note: I saw Django Unchained (loved it) the other day at Union Square theater and RATS RAN PAST MY FEET. Seriously, there were a troop of about 6 rats just running—and Sue, they didn’t look nothing like bunnies. Also Sue, I think crayfish are delicious. With enough cajun seasoning, I’ll eat anything.

Chloe looks like she’s getting taller. Man I wish I was tall. It’s so easy to look fat when you’re short. Chloe is like a beautiful tiny giraffe girl.

There’s all this drama about Kelly not showing up. (Ugh, I’ve MISSED the DM music man! He feels like home.) Abby decides to hold fake auditions (you know Lifetime casted these people) and homegirls come from all over the country. (What happened to that girl with the shit-starter mom last season? You know which one we mean.) All these moms start fighting in the viewing room. TACKY!

Brooke does have a slight ombre situation going on and a body wave. Looks good, girl! I’m a big fan of the ombre. (Guys, Sue just got the more beautiful ombre.) Kelly’s debating whether or not to leave the studio and the girls aren’t sure. I hope they come back because they’re awesome!

Kendall gets the first solo of the season. Borrrrrrring. Did you guys all remember to pay your rent today? Or are you too young for that? Do you have any New Year’s resolutions? I’m just going to try to be more assertive and be present in every moment. I future trip a lot. Right now is a total gift and who knows what will happen next week? Sue thanks for reminding me to pay my rent. I pray to god the check clears.

I hate to say it but Kendall is kind of a baby. She goes crying to Jill when Abby yells at her. NONE of the other girls would do that. Okay, in this episode Abby looks like she’s wearing a goddamn tent. People could camp inside of her for a weekend. Not me, though. I don’t like the outdoors. Too unpredictable.

The new moms arrive and Abby chooses this girl named Allie who’s 13. Jesus, she’s practically a college student!

OLD WOMAN! (super cute though)

OMG shot of Vivi and Cathy Candy Apple’s eating sundaes. I love Vivi so much. She deserves a spin-off. Apparently Cathy’s whole team left after they lost at nationals. Now she’s going to have a casting too, obvs, and wants an all-boy team. CATHY AND HER SCHEMES!

Allie’s mom, Shelly, looks so innocent. Just you wait, Shelly. Just wait until they crush your soul and shit on your dreams. That was dark. Melissa and Dr. Holly get so mad that Allie gets Chloe’s part. You know what, people? THIS IS SHOW BUSINESS. Sometimes people are gonna get more lines than you and better parts than you. THAT’S THE NATURE OF THE BEAST. If you get pissed off about all the times you think someone’s wronged you, you’re going to be a miserable person with a lot of resentments. And if you have resentments you’ll get wrinkles. You just will.
UNLESS you had shitty, oily skin as a child. The oily your skin was when you’re a kid, the nicer it looks when you’re an adult. Seriously. If you have acne right now, you’re gonna be a stunna when you’re 50 and your idiot friends with perfect skin look 75.

Allie is from New Orleans. This is never going to work. Didn’t you see Sleepless in Seattle? Sue, I think we need to talk about romantic comedies starring Meg Ryan. EVERYTHING ALWAYS WORKS OUT IN THE END!

So and So gets a solo! Yay! I love her so much. Also, in the last scene Abby had huge blue talons and in this one her nails are red, SOOOO reality tv is fake maybe a little. I just got nauseous. Sue, I just had a mini melt down where I ran around my apartment, and then I discovered we had bacon and I calmed down just a little.

Holly tells Abby she ain’t god and Abby’s shocked. Funny, because I pray to a fat little dude that looks just like her.

Abby and Shelly go to a bakery to get cupcakes. Abby better lay off the cup n’ cakes before she gets the ‘beetus and has to cut off her fingies. She’s halfway there already. THE JOKES, THEY WRITE THEMSELVES!!!!

They get to Denver and Abby won’t tell Dr. Holly whether or not they’re going to perform the group number. She just loves to mess with these moms. She loves it. Sidenote: I CAN’T WAIT FOR HONEY BOO BOO TO COME BACK. SHE IS A TREASURE.

The Dance Moms are hyenaing Shelly to death. I feel bad for her! Also, Jill cut it out with the leopard prints Mufasa!!

Maddie! She’s grown up so much! Her solo is beautiful. These girls always wear blue costumes. My psychic friend told me you should always wear blue because it attracts wealth. So… like mother like daughter. Maddie is already looking for a “wealthy benefactor.”

Speaking of wealthy benefactor’s have any of you guys seen Revenge? I’m obsessed with this show. I’ve seriously watched two seasons in the past week, HELP!!

Christi gives Chole a pep talk in the hallway and we cut to a shot of Abby breathing through her mouth, checking her texts on her blinged-out phone. I love this show.

Chloe’s solo is gorgeous and she DOES look she’s dancing from her heart. She’s really in the moment. YGG! We could all learn something from her. Of course, she gets an ass-reaming from Abby for messing up the choreography. Christi calls Abby dead inside and she is SPOT ON.

Abby’s high school friend, Mark, shows up. Randomly. In Denver. The moms say Kelly stole him from Abby back in the day but he seems a little like, hmm… Like he goes to Broadway shows and gets manicures in Chelsea.

Mark is gay!

Apparently Abby HAS lost some weight. I wonder where she works out. Probably on an ab roller in her living room. SUE. Don’t underestimate an ab roller. My parents have one and I cry everytime I try to use it. It’s hard! mmmmm. bacon.

Kendall’s solo is… fine. The group number is good. It looks weird with Allie, the one tall girl, and the other young ones. Actually, it’s really inspiring. Demons are cooler anyway, Christi.

The girls all pray that So and So doesn’t forget her solo. It’s nice of them, but group praying is weird. So and So’s solo is cute! But her bow fell off and and she goes offstage and starts crying. Aww, I feel so bad for these girls. She wins first place!!!

My cat is eating tape. She’s so dumb sometimes.

For a season premiere this was delicious. We could have used more clips of Vivi eating things though, so we’re going to give this episode 3 out of 5 candy apples.

WELCOME BACK GUYS!! WE LOVE YOU!

Posted at 9:03am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, dance, moms, honey boo boo, gif, candy apples, ziegler sisters, abby lee miller, competition, funny, comedy, recap,.