Dance Moms Drama

Sue is in North Carolina with her awesome boyfriend so it’s just me, Anna!

Solo! Just ate a big bagel and I’m ready to rock this recap!

Thank god it’s the last episode of this stupid, stupid show! If this is getting picked up for a second season there is no god!

Ugh this stupid theme song. So happy this is the last time I have to hear it!

The List

Victor is wearing a shirt that says “don’t be jealous.” Don’t worry, we’re not!

Top of the list: Lucas. Obvi. He felt like “hell on wheels” this kid is going to be a trannie.

2nd: Hannah. YGG! Love her! She is trying to contain this biggest smile ever, it’s adorbale.

3rd: Sammy. Miss Average is in the middle. What else is new.

4th: Kimmy. Oh god, why did you do this to her? She is going to be picking black feathers out of her back and sticking broken bits of mirror in her stomach later!

5th Bottom: Jessi. Ok, she pretty much danced with a broken back last week … So …

Another Kimmy and Lucas duet? Yes please!

They are traveling to Tulsa, Oklahoma? Angel is super pumped. He’s gonna totally bareback a … .HORSE when he’s there. He’s going to ride a horse. Jeez, what did you think I was talking about.

Angel says he’s bringing in a celebrity and he brings in the best dancer in the studio, Mia.

Why has she not been on this show until now? What the hell?! She’s super cute, and she’s an amazing dancer. I guess this show is getting a second season with this blonde piece! Also, her mother Leo is quite a character. These two were formulated in the labs of reality television, let’s see if they save this show!

Leo is actually super cute, I love her luscious locks! All the other moms are super jelly. Putting her next to them actually accentuates their ugliness, especially Moe!

Ok, all of these moms are either going through menopause or PMS-ing every minute. Kimmy’s mom is losing it because she thinks Kimmy is going to get kicked off the team, they never said anything about kicking anyone off! Chill girl, chill! Also, if anyone gets kicked off it should be Jessi, she is 5 feet taller than the other girls.

I LOVE LEO. She is the only sane mother up there. She is like, “just tell me what you’re thinking, ok?”

Ah! I love the Abby previews, “You don’t get a trophy for being born.” Abby Lee I love you more than anything. Sometimes I ask Sue to dress up as Abby and yell at me, you know just to keep me in line. JK that’s never happened!

Oh look. They are doing slow motion arabesques. THINK OF SOMETHING NEW ANGEL.

Ok, Mia has a solo. Is she here for good or just for a week? I don’t understand. I hope she’s here for good, because this girl is FIERCE! I AM IN LOVE.

Check out this vintage video I found of her doing poker face. It’s amazing. I stopped listening to the rest of the show to watch this. I LOVE MIA!

Mia Diaz, Pokerface 9 years old

I don’t care about anyone else in this show right now! More Mia please!

Oh dear, everytime I look at Kimmy she looks like she is silently losing it. It’s ok! Everything is going to be fine girl!

Ok, Hannah’s freckles are adorbs. Also, she wants to give Mia her solo. What a sweetheart!

HOLY SHIT. Lucas’s mom just announced that she’s getting a divorce and her kids don’t even know. Poor Lucas :( She has other kids?! This is so sad. She spends her whole life watching Lucas dance that she’s forgotten about her other kids? Ack, I don’t like it when this show gets all sad like this.

TULSA OKLAHOMA!

Angel is wearing a stupid cowboy hat, omg. He’s had it in the closet for many years. HA!

Group Dance

These costumes are pretty great. Gaga-esque I love it. But the group dance is a bit all over the place. It looks super unorganized … Jessi was threatened by the 10 year old dancer. Girl, chill if you two were up in solos against each other you’d be in different categories.

Trio

Mia is beautiful and this trio is beautiful. I love it! This is the best trio I’ve seen so far, and I’m including Abby Lee’s dances! Mia is also a sweetheart, she was so happy she had the opportunity to dance with them :)

Awards

First Place: Trio. OBVIOUSLY IT WAS AMAZING.

Third Place: Group Number. Wow, I can’t believe they actually placed!

Solos

Hannah’s mom makes a very good point. Angel and Victor should have been way more organized and registered the proper amount of solos. Why are they creating unnecessary drama?! I feel awful for these girls!

Ok, after the commercial break the problem was fixed. Everyone gets a solo.

Sammy comes up with some sort of excuse as to why her solo won’t be very good. We’ll see about that …

Sammy’s Solo

It’s beautiful! She has such long legs, she’s beautiful! Except it does look a little hurried, poor thing was a little stressed.

Hannah’s Solo

Ok, girl that costume doesn’t suit you. Who chose that?! Hannah is beautiful, that costume is not. This dance is also a bit boring. I like that she’s feeling it, but I don’t really enjoy the choreography. It might work for an older dancer with more power and experience, but not a young dancer.

Mia’s Solo

I didn’t think it was possible for anyone to give better facials than Maddie but I think I found her! Mia is totally fierce. I want to be her friend. Do you think she’d be friends with me?

Check it:

Junior Awards

6th Place: Hannah

1st Place: Mia (obvi)

Teen Awards

2nd Place: Sammy (YGG! First teen competition!)

Ok, so this finale ended with a bang. Mia is an official member of the team AND there was a full on cat fight! Thank god! I’m actually looking forward to watching the next season now.

This sad moment at the end with Lucas and his mother though really broke my heart :(

This episode gets 5 out of 5 cuban sandwiches! (If Sue and I love anything, it’s sandwiches!)

Stay tuned for our live stream next week of the Dance Moms: Season 3 PREMIERE! YIPPEEEEE!

Posted at 11:47am and tagged with: dance moms, dance moms: miami, abby lee, lifetime, dance, mia diaz, angel, miami, jazz, fierce,.

May 15th 2012

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Hello Dance Moms readers! So before our recap tonight just wanted to post the teaser for the web series Anna has been working on, and you can even spot Sue in the season finale!

Watch “The Kindly Midwesterner” and learn just how cray cray the ladies in charge of this blog are!

Episode 1 Episode 2 Episode 3 (with Sue!)

And stay tuned tonight for another Dance Moms Miami!

Posted at 10:06am and tagged with: web series, comedy, horror, hilarious, dance moms, Dance Moms: Miami,.

May 8th 2012

Dance Moms Miami, Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: Love Letters

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Does Lucas have a swear word on his shirt?

The List

Flashbacks of the bondage dance! Ahh!

Top of the list: Jessi! Finally! Now Moe, her mother, won’t cry. Who are we kidding, of course she’s going to find a way to get a good sob in.

No. 2 is Kimmy. Oh god. Is No. 2 good enough for Maureen? From Center Stage…

No. 3 is Lucas. Ok.

No. 4 is Hannah. I love that tub of Marshmallow Fluff with all my heart.

No. 5 is Sammy.

Please keep saying CORE OGGG RAPHY! I love it.

They are worried that Orlando might think they’re too provocative?! Oh me oh my! I mean, a place that still finds humor in throwing pies at people’s faces might not know what to do with a gaggle of scantily clad Latinas.

You guys. Hannah has a legit lisp. She is my favorite. LOVE HER.

These cholo mommas need to chill out with the lip liner!

Survivor Dance.

I really hope it’s to “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child. Why did those girls ever break up? Can there please be another good girl group soon? I mean, Danity Kane? GROSS. What was that bullshit? Also, is anyone watching Celebrity Apprentice? I think Aubrey O’Day is going to win and that’s just unfortunate because she makes such poor fashion choices.

Ok, they all chose animals, and Lucas said he’s a bird because “I want to fly.” STFU Lucas. Too cute! Producers told him to say that!

I love it when they make Lucas do his extensions. They are truly beautiful. Like, how does that child have a penis? I thought penises prevent groin flexibility? Do I know what I’m talking about? No.

Lucas’s mom, Bridget, is totally shit starter though. I don’t give a crap about ANY of these moms and their drama. I just want to see Kimmy do some OCD shit! And Lucas look fierce. And Hannah say something with a lisp. Oh god. Are we getting attached to this cast? WE ARE FINALLY STARTING TO LOVE THE GIRLS AND BOY IN MIAMI! I miss the braids from Pittsburgh though. RIP fun hair!

Angel, stop trying to create romance between these two children. Yo, does Kimmy look drugged to you? Bitch don’t sleep! Look at those glassy eyes! I bet she’s on Pro Pro. (That’s what I call Prozac now.) I love that Sue. I love Pro Pro.

Hannah, you shouldn’t be on a diet! She breaks my heart. I love her so much. She’s got some meat on her bones and that’s beautiful! She’s totally gonna get with a black guy when she’s old enough. Yo, look at Kim Kardashian! She’s with Kanye! And the richest woman in America, ps. I kinda get a Kanye vibe from Lucas, btw. Just me?

This text message plot line is BORING. Show more dancers please. I would even take Moe sobbing over this.

Jessi’s Solo

She’s a fallen angel asking for forgiveness … Ugh. I love the neon though girl, and also the hair down! No bun! But this music! I feel like I’m in church. Whaaa9tttjghhhhhhhhhhh. Oops, I just fell asleep. Sue! Wake up! Moe is getting pissed!

WTF is with Jessi’s cat eye makeup? Girl you look like a stripper. OH SNAP! She just called her mom stupid! Bish sounds like me as kid. I was such a tough guy that once I got grounded for telling my mom I wasn’t going, “to shovel the fucking snow.”

Holy F*CK what is the Dance Moms preview? I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I can’t wait until June though :( LOVE that Kelly calls Abby fat. FINALLY!

Umm. WTF is with these love poems? I get that it’s an exercise and all, but seriously? Come on.

“So you think she’ll save the letter?” “Yeah, she saves everything.” KIMMY IS A HOARDER. Ten years from now, she’ll be on TLC scooping chicken carcasses outta her double wide.

God, that music again for that horrible solo!! Why is it so terrifying? Are the illuminati gonna come out and plaaaaayyyyyyy?? They need to get the music guy from Dance Moms PGH on that shit.

Oh no. We learn the truth about Moe. Everyone in her life is a professional dancer but HER. Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way, would call her a Shadow Artist.

WAIT, is this an actual thing that’s happening? THEY’RE WEIGHING EVERYONE? You are crossing some Toddlers and Tiaras kind of lines. Next thing you know, they’ll be painting them orange and dressing them like Lady Gaga. Jessi has lost 35lbs?! Is that safe?

Should I paint my nails? I just took off all the polish but maybe I’ll just leave them natch. Hmm, what colors are you choosing between, girl? Mine are currently lilac, the color is “Playdate” by Essie. Super cute! That sounds cute! Either “Lapiz of Luxury” by Essie, like light blue, or bright fuschia that I got at Ricky’s. (Note: we were talking to each other in the Google Doc on that one.)

OOH Jessi has awesome leg muscles. Nice! That was a beautiful solo actually. She dances really well. I still feel like she should be a female bodybuilder though. Not that that’s a bad thing. MOE IS CRYING.

I cannot believe these two are nine years old. When I was nine, I was playing in my backyard with an ant hill that I found, and then because I was sitting there for so long I got ants in my pants. For real, I went to the bathroom and there were ants crawling all over my shorts and underwear. And my mom just screamed at me and then made fun of me! But whatever, it was a normal childhood I guess!!!

Estoy hablando! Yo, Moe doesn’t even speak Spanish that well because Puerto Ricans talk WAY faster than that! Moe is an “el idioto”.

Do Angel and the other guy (wtf is his name? Victor!) ever hook up?Angel seems like someone who devours his prey. He’s a top right?

Hannah, don’t cry! We love you! She looks beautiful. Hannah, you’re going to rock your solo don’t worry!! Look at how beautiful of a dancer she is! I found this pic on her FB … wow do I sound like a stalker.

There’s a lot of emphasis on “improv” in this series. Let me tell you guys a thing or two about improv: IT’S HARD. It’s a craft that takes years and years to perfect. You don’t just get on a stage and do it, OKAY? Sue, relax. It’s for dance! (I LOVE YOU SUE) I’m happy that they told Hannah to improvise, Abby never told her girls that and that’s why Nia and Paige and Chlo were always Chlo-ing it.

Also, can we just say how freaking adorable Hannah is when she’s dancing? That smile! She’s a cutie patootie. Also, I LOVED that song. Remember The Hills theme song? I still listen to that like every day on my iPod. It’s so inspirational! This song is like that.

This group dance is kinda cool. Very lion king. Sue! I’m scared. Who is the drunk guy behind the camera? What is with all this quick zooming in and out? Also, Lucas just danced the rest of the dance with a headpiece on his face. This guy is a Pro Pro.

HANNAH! YES! YGG! JESSI! YOU TOO! GROUP NUMBER! YOU TOO!

I kinda want to see what that other dancers look like. What if there were an American Idol for Dance? No one steal that idea!

Wait, Moe did not like that duct tape on her mouth one bit.

This episode gets 3 out of 5 empanadas. Yum. Empanadas.

Posted at 11:37pm and tagged with: dance moms, Dance Moms: Miami, miami, dance, lifetime, empanadas,.

April 18th 2012

Dance Moms: Miami Season 1, Episode 3 Recap

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The “List” aka Diva’s Pyramid

Lucas is on top, of course. Everybody loves Lucas.

Kimmy is second, she’s totally going to punch herself in the face for that the second she gets home tonight.

Sammy is third, I like her because she ain’t afraid to sass the teachers if she feels she’s not being recognized. Sass it up girl!

Jessi is fourth. DEAR GOD WILL YOU AND YOUR MOTHER EVER STOP CRYING?

What the hell is wrong with this family, we are less than 3 minutes into the episode and they are bawling. Also, from now on I am going to call your mother “Moe” because her haircut reminds me of Moe from the 3 Stooges.

Hannah is on the bottom. Which kind of stinks because her mom makes a pretty good point, she placed well!

These teachers are insane, flying the kids across the country for the second week in a row!

Lucas and Kimmy get solos, even though we are all secretly praying they can duet again. Wasn’t that awesome?

Oh shit! Jessi doesn’t get a solo! Her and her mom are going to kill themselves tonight. Please, just give her a solo!!

Group Dance is About Insecurities.

These guys are relentless. Victor and Angel are the sassiest bitches around.

Dancer’s Insecurities

Jessi: she is embarassed to go on stage. MOM WHY ARE YOU MAKING HER DANCE?

Also, why are the guys taking this opportunity to tell them that their insecurities are wrong? They ask them to spill out their feelings then tell them they are wrong, and to “stop crying”. This is really sad.

Hannah: she also doesn’t like to be on stage. Ok, great.

Kimmy: She just wants to be perfect. MOM, THIS CHICK HAS GOT OCD.

Lucas: people make fun of him at school for being a dancer. Yeah, I bet they do Lucas, I bet they do.

Sammy: It’s not her fault that she’s popular!!

Mom Dramz.

Ok, all of them are going to the bathroom to talk about the other one. Barf.

Ughhh all the moms are talking and I’m zoning out. Have you guys ever had almond butter? It’s truly delicious. I think it’s healthier than peanut butter? HA HA not really though.

Kimmy’s Solo!

They gave her a dance about striving for perfection. PERFECT. That chick is one big muscle. She’s kind of amazing. She does need to get into the music though. OMG what if she does that scene with a black guy from “Save The Last Dance.” That would be amazing. That’s totally going to happen to her once she goes to professional ballet school in the city. I cannot wait.

Lucas’s Solo!

He’s a pro.

Sammy’s Solo!

Like, don’t hate her cause she’s popular. Also, don’t teach her how to Dougie. Girl, KNOWS how to Dougie.

Group Dance.

Angel takes this opportunity to have the girls make fun of their moms. What a catty bitch. Also, Kimmy is hilarious. She had the best one liner about peppermints. Ok, she may be Maureen from “Centerstage” but she’s funny. Kimmy, your new nickname is Maureen.

Mom’s sass it up to each other … unless Moe starts sobbing I don’t give a shit.

Competition Time!

Ok, they are back at the same competition…Hopefully there will be people in the audience besides them this time.

Ani talks about how she lets out her insecurities on her daughter. Oh great. She is totally a Maureen in the making.

Also, these girls have professional make up artists for their girls! This is kind of official I like!

Maureen’s (Kimmy) Solo

“I’m not perfect.” But you are!! The choreography is kind of whack though. But that arabesque releve was pretty impressive. YGG! (yo go girl)

Whenever they do clips of the other groups in the dance competition I die! I want to see those dances! Can we just make this show into a public access show documenting a dance competition?

Lucas’s Solo

Yeah, we get it, you can dance. Will Lucas ever grow hair on his legs? What will he do about it? Will he shave?

Sammy’s Solo

She is such a cocky bitch! I kind of like it though. But close your mouth when you’re dancing young lady! That was a striptease number. And I blame it all on the choreography.

Solo Awards

Kimmy gets 2nd Place. Guess she really ISN’T perfect.

Lucas and Sammy don’t place. Oh shit! I BLAME THE CHOREOGRAPHY.

Sabotaging a solo? What does that even mean? That shit cray. (what she order? fish fillet!)

Group Number

Stupid. Too intense. Where is Abby Lee?!?!? Are they ever going to be at the same competition???

5th Place. Eh.

OK, maybe this episode was a little better than last week. But I still miss Abby Lee. Step it up Dance Moms: Miami!!!!

Posted at 11:08am and tagged with: dance mom, dance moms: miami, abby lee, dance, lifetime, save the last dance, centerstage, three stooges,.

March 30th 2012

EXCITING NEWS!

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For Tuesday’s live stream of Dance Moms: Miami we will be having fellow Dance Moms enthusiast Kelly Hudson as a special guest!

Tune in on Tuesday night at 10:30 (Eastern Time) to witness the party of a LIFETIME (pun intended!)

If you want to learn more about the fabulous guests at this exclusive party in Sue’s apartment follow our personal blogs**!

Kelly Hudson: http://kellyqehudson.tumblr.com/

Anna Callegari: http://bananacalamari.tumblr.com/

Sue Smith: http://suesmith.tumblr.com/

**Sue’s cats do not yet have blogs.

Posted at 11:16am and tagged with: dance moms, dance moms: miami, live stream, sue smith, anna callegari, kelly hudson,.

March 30th 2012

COUNTDOWN BEGINS!

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5 more days until we live stream our commentary of Dance Moms: Miami!

Let us know if there is anything you want us to talk about, feel free to ask us questions!

We love you!

-Anna & Sue

Posted at 9:14am and tagged with: live stream, dance moms, lifetime, miami, dance moms: miami,.

MIA DIAZ MAKES DANCE MOMS MIAMI WORTH IT.

Dance Moms Miami, Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: Love Letters

Dance Moms: Miami Season 1, Episode 3 Recap

EXCITING NEWS!

COUNTDOWN BEGINS!