Dance Moms Drama

So we open up in LA, where Sue is :( I miss you SUZY!

Melissa almost loses her shit when Abby says 90210 bc she wants everyone to know what Abby’s going to say before she says it—must have heard about it in some pillow talk. We know you two hook up. Just be open about it already!

Now for the pyramid. Paige is still on the bottom bc she broke her goddamn foot, then Nia, then Chloe?! Crazy. Simba is higher than Chloe. This is weird … I’m sure Mufasa is going to lick an antelope’s bones clean in celebration later.

Then Brooke, then Mac. WTF Mac is higher than Brooke? Clearly the Ziegler sisters are on top because well let’s face it, Maddie is the shit. But Mac in second place? Melissa has been working it in the bedroom with Abby! I wonder what they do?!

The group number is called “my last text” oh great, another Abby preachy number.

Abby tells the girls that they’re not friends, they’re competitors. This is terrible. I don’t want to know what these girls are going to turn out to be like.

Ok, she’s counting on Maddie’s acting chops to win the group number … I see it.

The moms are bitching about their daughters blah blah blah. I just ate so many habenero almonds for breakfast wtf is wrong with me. Christi’s face when Chloe is talking about texting and driving is ridiculous. Christi is the master of the stank eye.

Kelly freaks when Abby doesn’t give Paige a dancing spot—I think it was brilliant bc PAIGE BROKE HER FOOT. Just let her rest!

Why the hell is Christi giving Chloe dance advice? She’s such a bitch! I’d like to see you try to do some of those moves ya big bitch!

I’m sure Holly is taking Nia out for ice cream and being super supportive right now. I love Nia and Holly. Also, Holly looks wonderful in turquoise.

Mac is doing another stupid flippy dance to a jive song. BUT WAIT. It’s the same music from Vivi’s asbergers bee routine. I’m sure that’s going to cause some dramz.

Cathy is coming to freak everyone out. Why are they even nervous? Cathy and her candy apple’s suck!

Brooke is doing the Anne Frank routine. Abby is full of DRAMZ.

Maddie is doing a lyrical routine about telling herself she’s back in the game. Ugh. More DRAMZ.

Wow. Abby just told Kelly she needs to take Paige to the doctor and check if she’s retarded or something?! What the hell. Abby took it way too far. Did she not realize that all the girls were in the room? Did she not understand how Paige would feel? Abby. That was terrible. I better hear an apology before this episode ends. Sure Kelly is super dramatic, but Abby WTF?!

Oh great, now Kelly thinks that she’s going to make Paige into a model. This photographer looks like a weirdo. What kind of photoshoot is this for? This is some weird kiddie porn stuff. She’s making super suggestive faces and she’s like 11. Also, that hair and fake eyelashes? Weird.

Mufasa is growling at Kendall ala Christi and Chloe. I’m so happy we haven’t seen Holly bitching at Nia yet.

Kelly is back. Ok, cool.

Abby asks the moms who gets the solo. And puts Melissa on the spot to make a tie breaker. And she chooses Nia! Woooooooo! Mufasa of course wants to chew her head off. Poor Kendall is sitting there crying. This is super sad. Chloe ends up getting the solo. Obviously. Why is this episode so sad?! Can some great stuff happen please!!! I can’t bear to see these girls get tortured any longer!!!!

Oh no. Is Chloe going to Chlo it again at Nationals? I’m sure Mufasa would love that. Why do they keep talking about Justice? Is he seriously a threat?

The Candy Apple’s are HERE. Finally! And what do you know? They’re at the same studio as Abby Lee AND she has another guest choreographer. Woof. Cathy has a hot dance mom! That red head in the hot pink shirt is super hot!

Woah. Cathy just comes in and disrupts their rehearsal. What is her problem? Also, what the hell is with Justice and Vivi falling in love in every dance? Gross. Ok turns out hot mom is Justice’s mom. And she wants in on Abby Lee’s studio. Oh crap!

“There should be blood on that dance floor tomorrow, blood on that stage, red beef jerky blood.”

BEST QUOTE OF THE ENTIRE SEASON.

Woah I can’t get over how hot Justice’s mom is! He better come to Abby Lee next season! He needs to rid himself of Vivi.

We’re at Nationals!

Maddie’s solo is stunning. It’s perfect. It really is.
Justice is covered in blood for his solo? Eh. It was weird and stupid.

Brooke’s Anne Frank number kicks ass. Woah. I’m so proud of her! And Kelly!

Mac’s doing the anti-vivi dance and she’s freaking out. Abby is such a bitch for using this cutie as a pawn in her nasty game. But she rocks it. Because she’s a Ziegler.

Chloe rocks the solo too! Abby Lee kicks ass!

Ugh the candy apple’s girls look like Cinderella sluts. Ummm what the hell is that group dance? I don’t understand anything that happened with it.

Holy crap. That last text number gave me chills. It was amazing.

MAC GETS SO MANY AWARDS! YAY! National title.

BROOKE DOES TOO! National title.

MADDIE AND CHLOE DO TOO! National titles.

Seriously, these girls are the shit.

And who wins the group dance? Obviously. Abby Lee.

This episode gets 5 out of 5 apples. Amazing.

Posted at 11:15am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, drama, dance, moms, mackenzie ziegler, maddie ziegler, abby lee miller, candy apples, justice, mufasa, lion, apples, los angeles, beverly hills, model, acting, dancing, anne frank, bumble bee,.

September 9th 2012

16 notes |#

YOU’RE WELCOME WORLD.

Posted at 10:56pm and tagged with: chloe, maddie ziegler, dance moms, drama, katy perry, last friday night, dance, music, pop, hotel, singing, dancing,.

February 1st 2012

Season 2, Episode 3 Recap

3 notes |#

Livin on the dance flooooor!!!!

Flabby Abby

Okay, can we just start off by stating the obvs: is Abby getting bigger or what? She the size of the shack my dad used to have in his back yard. And he kept a riding lawnmower inside of it. All Abby keeps are Oreos in her fat folds. If she walks fast enough sometimes yodels fall out!

Pyramid Skyramid

So and So, your pigtails are adorable and we love you. Don’t ever get your permanent teeth. But seriously, these outfits! Girls, you’re going to be sluts later in life. Can you wear a proper unitard once in a while? We have been begging for unitards since episode 1!! Please wear one for your fans! Nia’s at the bottom of the pyramid. Abby just hates Nia, let’s face it. Nia will never stick out to her. Also, HOW is Simba better than Nia? She’s on probation!

OMG So and So is higher in the pyramid. Go team! We love you!

Chloe’s on top! Yay! It sounds like Abby put her there grudgingly though. Is she going to start getting really full of herself son? Christi says she’s buying her ice cream … yeah right.

Trio without Paige?!?!

Chloe and Maddie are doing a trio with Simba. Mufasa is so excited but we think Simba is like, whatever. You need more drive girl!

Bully bully bully

Abby announces a group number about bullying “I am putting art on the stage.” Dr. Holly brings up the irony that Abby is speaking out about bullying when she’s the hugest bully on the schoolyard. Maddie reveals that she gets bullied on the bus sometimes. And on here, too. We bully the shit out of that cocky little bitch because she deserves to go down so the underdog can rise to the top. Dr. Holly isn’t happy that Nia is portraying the bully. That’s a black thing. I get it. Why does she have to be the bad guy because of the color of her skin? Also, Nia has got the cutest sweetest face of the whole bunch, besides So and So of course.

New Girl!

Abby revealed that she’s bringing in another member to the company because she knows that Kendall and Mufasa are blah. Peyton seems nice but she is two feet taller than the rest of the girls. Everyone loves her though, so I’ll jump on board too. While she’s a little gummy, her abs are unreal. Does she paint them on?!

Leslie and Peyton (Mama Bitch and Tall Baby Bitch)

VS.

Mufasa and Simba

What if Abby couldn’t speak?

OMG Abby is losing her voice. Imagine this bitch without a voice! To these girls, I bet that’s like if their abusive mom broke both arms and wasn’t able to hit them anymore. They must feel so safe. Why on earth is Holly such a bitch about Nia being a bully? She’s an actor! Holly, I give you credit for being smart and most of the time I agree with you, but this is stupid.

Is it me or do the names of these dance poses sound like drag queen names?

Christi really does have a big nose, though. Kathy has a point. She’s like a ferret.

Poor Chlo

Abby is such a huge bitch that she makes Chloe cry. “You’re the cockiest kid I’ve ever met.” She is going to be hearing her voice in her head for the rest of her life, telling her she’s bad and will always fail and she’ll stop dancing and force her kid to dance and re-live her childhood through her kid. Or maybe she’ll do the Artist’s Way and everything will be fine. (Sue did the Artist’s Way)

Brooke is a cheerleader now.

Is So and So missing an entire row of teeth? Aww, she gives Brooke a kiss on the cheek. She is SO adorable. Maddie, are you wearing a full face of makeup on a weekday? Ugh, you make me sick.

Leslie is a QUEEN BITCH

Leslie the New Dance Mom is amazing. She’s sure doesn’t take any shit. Mufasa is scared. Is it me or does Mufasa part her bangs in a weird way? She has, like, combover bangs. Sue, it’s her mane! MUFASA!

It is really horrible that Abby is making Paige run the music :(

The Dance Moms all make fun of Abby’s size and it is GLORIOUS! They’re right—Abby has probably never done a plie in her entire life. God, can you imagine if Abby had a solo? I just picture her coming out dressed as a cow in a tutu and everyone would think it was two people in the cow suit but, no, they’d be wrong. It’d just be her.

Moms like coffee.

Mufasa has horrible style. I think she thinks this is her Real Housewives audition. Leslie is trying to stir up some shit at the coffee house. AW SNAP! Be careful, ya’ll. They got coffee houses in Pittsburgh! Of course Holly has got to be all uppity with her tea. Doctor’s drink tea motha fuckaaaaaas!

Naughty School Girls?!?!?!?

Oh god, girls! What are these costumes? Do you want to turn them into Britney “Cheetos” Spears? Is Mufasa still talking? It’s times like these I actually feel bad for Abby.

Hollywood Vibe in St. Louis- Abby, of course, puts a lot of pressure on the girls to do well. Wait, did you all see So and So looking at the city in her pink coat? She honestly makes me heart melt. I just can’t stand to keep looking at Mufasa. Why would she bribe her daughter with $20 to do well? Listen, she’s too young for botox! She just wants candy!

Trio

What the fuck is this shit about “men” in this number? These girls probably don’t even know any men. Honestly, this dance is a real snoozefest. What is this song? We hate this.

Solos

Okay Maddie, we get it. You’re perfect. I wonder if she cuts herself when she makes a mistake? WHY MORE MIDRIFF? CAN NONE OF THESE BITCHES AFFORD A FULL COSTUME?!?
Those turns were unreal though. I bet Maddie can do 50 without even getting sick. She is a powerhouse! Chloe does look beautiful though. She always does. I think Abby gets caught up in all this drama. She LIKES having her favorites and not liking others. Chloe’s solo is so beautiful. Maybe it’s just because I like her costume better?

Ok, Sue has a little boner for Chlo. I, Anna, am Team Maddie all the way! Chlo is turning into a cocky bitch! Yeah her lines are better, but Maddie’s personality shines so much more during her performances. Which team are YOU on?!

Group Number

Okay, I’m trying hard not to comment on Peyton’s forehead because I don’t want to be mean, BUT LOOK AT THAT FOREHEAD. SHE LOOKS LIKE THE SHINING. There, I got it out of my system like Tourette’s. It’s a pretty number. Abby always likes to make a statement and the judges eat that shit up. But these costumes are so slutty!! Peyton says that she feels like the best dancer in the group. Shit’s gonna get ugly! But Peyton let’s face it, you’re 20 years older than the rest of the girls so if you’re not the best dancer that would be sad. And also, Maddie is better than you. Maddie is better than EVERYONE. (hehe it’s Anna again) Leslie gives Abby a run for her money and I love that shit. Then Abby says Peyton shouldn’t belittle others—that’s her job. AT LEAST SHE FINALLY ADMITS IT.

Winners!

Obvs Maddie wins her division. I’m sad that Chloe didn’t place because my heart aches for her. The trio didn’t place because it was so boring. The group number didn’t place! Judges don’t want little girls to dress like baby porn stars! THANK YOU.

Ugh, Abby needs more friends in her life and probably a good deep dicking because the only thing she gets off on is this middle school drama.

We give this episode 2 out of 5 candy apples.

We need more Cathy, more dancing, and less sober yelling.

Posted at 10:30am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, drama, dancing, crazy bitches,.

October 7th 2011

Season 1, Episode 12 (Season Finale!)

20 notes |#

Living on the dance flooooooor! Season Finale and the drama is high! There’s no pyramid, praise Jesus. Now they can feel like normal people, except don’t get too comfortable because in LA, “it’s all about the look” and they are all going to audition for a music video. So they better look fucking good instead of like an Ali Lohan cougar piece of trash. Clearly Chloe is debating whether or not to go strangle herself in the bathroom, while Maddie is smiling ear to ear like a bitch.

Hip Hop

Hip hop is the genre that they need to work on, and this entire season has been jazz and lyrical! Eeeeek! We see Abby two step for two seconds! And boy is it amazing, her legs work! So and So has a killer quote: “Abby’s funny looking when she tries to do hip-hop.” You nailed it, So and So! You mean fat, awful and uncoordinated, right? So and So just has a habit of telling it like it is, and that’s why we love that little bitch. But in the audition, So and So starts crying. Girl, it’s hard out there for a pimp. You gotta get used to that shit. This is what life is all about.

Maddie’s Audish

Maddie’s nervous because bitch ain’t good at hip-hop. I love seeing Maddie sweat. I love smelling her fear. But Jeez, THROW NIA IN THERE. CAN SHE PLEASE HAVE HER DAY ALREADY? Jeez. If “the look” is what Abby is talking about, Nia has GOT IT! Ethnically ambiguous is what every CW show needs.

Brooke’s Audish

In the audition, the girls get 16 counts to improvise and Brooke pulls out all her “tricks,” as she calls them. You know what, in a few years girl, those tricks are going to make you a lot of money.

Music Video

They get cast to star in a up and coming pop star’s dance video (I’m praying it’s Rebecca Black) as a girl dance group. Abby is like a little fucking kid, screaming and yelling. GIRLS, have you paid your union dues? Will they be using this in perpetuity? Make sure you get a good day rate! I’m skeptical. The pop star’s name is Lux (bummer) Um, who? I haven’t heard of her yet and it’s been months, I demand Rebecca Black.

Chlo-ing It Part II??

Oh no. This director asshole named Seven (of course) comes in and tells the girls on the day of the shoot he’s going to pick one to be the star. Chloe of course says she wants to be the star. Bitch, this is your last chance. You better not Chlo that shit! We all know the whole time Chloe is telling us she wants to be the star there are voices in her head chanting “chlo-it, chlo-it”—will her Black Swan moment be today?!

Too Many Steps, Too Little Time

So and So is overwhelmed during the rehearsal. Come on, you little beyotch! You’re our fave. We know you’re five and all but you’re freakin adorable. Also, can we just discuss how luscious and gorgeous Maddie and Mackenzie’s hair is? Speaking of, please clarify: does every guy in LA have a faux hawk? Because this dum dum choreographer does.

Make Me Over!

The girls did their hurr did. Yo, this ain’t Pennsylvania any more, is it? Chloe is hoping that they give her a look that covers her face, while Brooke is praying her boobs grow in before the director picks the lead. These girls are acting surprised about the make up and hair, when they come to rehearsals in full make up anyway. Maddie’s hair looks the worst with cornrows AND a pouf?! Paige looks stunning! She’s a hottie, with a future in getting her knees dirty behind the bleachers—most popular girl in school!

Hooker With A Heart of STEEL

Melissa meets with the director, Seven (guh, does everyone in LA have a number as a name?!) one on one. What a cunting little manipulative bitch. Tries to get him to have Maddie as the star. She’s kinda brillz. So Maddie practices alone with Gianna. Okay, it’s good for us to all leash our inner Maddie now and then and work really hard. Cause girl truly does work her ass off.

Chlo-ing it Stanislavski Style

Chloe meets with an acting coach (with a goatee obvi). Some cheesy string music plays and this guy is trying to get her to open up but Chloe doesn’t have much on the inside. And she can’t open up. Chisti says Chole has been struggling with her confidence lately and blames it on Abby. Meanwhile the second Christi leaves the room, Chloe passes the teacher a note that says “Help me.”

Dr. Holly is in DA HOUSE

Melissa reveals she went to coffee with Seven, and gave him a beej in the bathroom while crying and saying, “This is for Maddie.” JK, that’s just an (accurate) assumption. Dr. Holly gives her a piece of her mind.

Day of the Shoot

The girls are dressed in hair and makeup like some Harijuku super heros or some shit. The girls all get partnered with boys. So and So is about to Chlo it because she gets paired up with a fucking dud. Abby Lee is all, “So and So, shut up! There is NO CRYING IN DANCING YOU WHORE!” But So and So pulls herself and gives us another gem: “I just cry sometimes. It’s no big deal.” EXACTLY! That’s what I’ve been saying! Emotions are OKAY! It’s totally okay to cry and no big deal when you do. Man, this six year-old is fucking deep, wanna maybe get hot chocolate sometime? Another question: does every guy in LA wear an army cap and a button down shirt with a huge graphic on the back? Or a fedora? Answer: yes.

A REAL Pop Star aka Ke$ha

The girls meet Lux (wannabe Ke$ha), the recording artist so she is going to decide who is going to play Lux in her childhood. My first though is that she looks just like Chloe. I really thought this was going to be Nia’s time to shine but I was totally wrong. Maddie owns the catwalk audition because she’s a goddamn robot. Nia knows she isn’t going to get the lead because she has brown skin so she pulls out her trannie dance drop moves, badass. It’s at this point that Sue’s boyfriend goes, “If Dance Moms was Baseball Dads, I think I’d like it.” WIN! Meanwhile Anna lives with her dad and he thinks, “This is disgusting! They are little girls!” Then proceeds to go on about how Snooki is the “dumbest person on the planet” WIN?!

FYI, Anna is still single, and eagerly awaiting a beau to pay for dance lessons …

INTENSE

Melissa continues being arrogant and cunty, Maddie knocks down Chloe. SHIT IS FUCKING TENSE. AGH! COMMERCIAL BREAK! YOU ARE RIPPING OFF MY EYEBALL SKIN!!

AND CHOLE FUCKING WINS! OH MY FUCKING GOD! TRIUMPH FOR CHLOE! MADDIE LOSES! THIS IS AMERICA! This melts my cold, cold heart because now she (probably) won’t become goth. I mean, that’s what sad kids do in Pennsylvania right?

Melissa almost dies. Maddie says she’s happy for the other girls but no one believes that shit. Abby says she’s happy for Chloe but it’s like, whatevs, we don’t believe you at all. On the shoot, the directors are guys being guys, yelling and shit. It’s a WRAP, YA’LL.

Back Home to Nowhere

Back to Pittsburgh. One month later, she requires them to attend a meeting at the studio. Ugh, she can NEVER just let them LIVE in their joy, right? Anyway, she has a copy of the music video. Chloe takes the spotlight, but of course Maddie is behind her in her every move, trying to upstage her and do splits and shit. Lifetime plays the entire video, thank you! Lux must be on one of their parent company’s record labels or some shit because this is really indulgent. Actually, our Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry-loving asses love this shit.

Tally:

So and So Tears- 2

Melissa “ho’s it up”- 4

Maddie pretends to be happy for others- 3

Nia is a badass- 10

Chloe “Chlos-it”- 0 (yes!)

Unknown pop stars- 1

Ke$ha Appearances- 1

Vivi and Cathy- 0 (WTF?!)

Faux hawks- everyone.

Puberty- 0 (Brooke wants to go through it so badly though!)

Candy Apples: 5 out of 5, it’s the season finale ya’ll! And Abby was able to “snag” a copy of that awesome video.

Posted at 9:58am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, music video, lux, ke$ha, child abuse, dancing, hip hop,.

September 19th 2011

Who’s Who in Dance Moms

2 notes |#

Abby Lee and “the core”

Cathy and Vivi

Abby Lee Miller: owner of the Abby Lee dance company, roughly the size of a Smart Car, never dances but makes can make a star out any little brat. She’s drill sergeant-like, wears a whistle, and is not above using a foam bat to keep the girl’s legs straight. She can be found making her student’s moms cry and/or collecting scraps of Maddy’s hair and skin from the studio floor.

The Moms:

Melissa: She is the only divorcee of the moms, and has had no problem whoring herself out for the sake of her daughters dance lessons. She is the proud mother of Maddy, the most talented dancer at the studio and constantly fails to acknowledge her other daughter who we’ll just call “so and so.” Abby’s right hand woman, Melissa never knows how to download music or get costumes done in time.

Holly “Dr. Holly”: She is the principal of a middle school and has over 20 degrees just to prove to everyone she isn’t black, she even has one from U Penn, ever heard of it?

Kelly: A washed up dancer, used to be a student of Abby’s. We’re pretty sure the only reason she quit dancing was because she was pregnant with Brooke. She is bitter about that, and can usually be found drinking with Christi and being jealous of Melissa’s kids.

Christi: A high functioning alcoholic, youngest of all the moms with the worst hair. Cathy said she needed botox and she’s 35.

Cathy: Owner of the Candy Apples Dance Studio, she drives 10 hours from Ohio to Pennsylvania so Vivi can be part of Abby Lee’s Dance Studio. We don’t know where Vivi came from—they seem Jewish? She loves “purses, bunnies, and carrots.” Can usually be found taking pills and crying alone in her BMW, clutching a cornucopia purse, and listening to Bach.

The Girls:

Maddy: the star. Her name will be in lights, YOU KNEW HER WHEN! Melissa’s daughter.

Mackenzie “So and So”: She just wants to swim in the pool. Melissa’s other daughter.

Nia: Doesn’t know she’s black, clearly a product of Holly.

Paige: Kelly’s youngest daughter, frightened of human contact.

Brooke: Kelly’s oldest daughter, she just wants to go to the mall and be a cheerleader. Crazy good contortionist.

Chloe: Which one’s Chloe? Beautiful dancer, but she’s always in the shadow of Maddy. Has internalized Christi’s jealousy of Maddy.

Vivianne “Vivi”: Clearly adopted and mentally challenged, her hair is down to her knees like a member of the 4H. She’s Cathy’s daughter but hates pink and dancing. She’s destined to munch box.

Posted at 3:34pm and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, drama, characters, dancing, toddlers and tiaras,.

SEASON FINALE RECAP!

Season 2, Episode 3 Recap

Season 1, Episode 12 (Season Finale!)

Who’s Who in Dance Moms