Dance Moms Drama

So we open up in LA, where Sue is :( I miss you SUZY!

Melissa almost loses her shit when Abby says 90210 bc she wants everyone to know what Abby’s going to say before she says it—must have heard about it in some pillow talk. We know you two hook up. Just be open about it already!

Now for the pyramid. Paige is still on the bottom bc she broke her goddamn foot, then Nia, then Chloe?! Crazy. Simba is higher than Chloe. This is weird … I’m sure Mufasa is going to lick an antelope’s bones clean in celebration later.

Then Brooke, then Mac. WTF Mac is higher than Brooke? Clearly the Ziegler sisters are on top because well let’s face it, Maddie is the shit. But Mac in second place? Melissa has been working it in the bedroom with Abby! I wonder what they do?!

The group number is called “my last text” oh great, another Abby preachy number.

Abby tells the girls that they’re not friends, they’re competitors. This is terrible. I don’t want to know what these girls are going to turn out to be like.

Ok, she’s counting on Maddie’s acting chops to win the group number … I see it.

The moms are bitching about their daughters blah blah blah. I just ate so many habenero almonds for breakfast wtf is wrong with me. Christi’s face when Chloe is talking about texting and driving is ridiculous. Christi is the master of the stank eye.

Kelly freaks when Abby doesn’t give Paige a dancing spot—I think it was brilliant bc PAIGE BROKE HER FOOT. Just let her rest!

Why the hell is Christi giving Chloe dance advice? She’s such a bitch! I’d like to see you try to do some of those moves ya big bitch!

I’m sure Holly is taking Nia out for ice cream and being super supportive right now. I love Nia and Holly. Also, Holly looks wonderful in turquoise.

Mac is doing another stupid flippy dance to a jive song. BUT WAIT. It’s the same music from Vivi’s asbergers bee routine. I’m sure that’s going to cause some dramz.

Cathy is coming to freak everyone out. Why are they even nervous? Cathy and her candy apple’s suck!

Brooke is doing the Anne Frank routine. Abby is full of DRAMZ.

Maddie is doing a lyrical routine about telling herself she’s back in the game. Ugh. More DRAMZ.

Wow. Abby just told Kelly she needs to take Paige to the doctor and check if she’s retarded or something?! What the hell. Abby took it way too far. Did she not realize that all the girls were in the room? Did she not understand how Paige would feel? Abby. That was terrible. I better hear an apology before this episode ends. Sure Kelly is super dramatic, but Abby WTF?!

Oh great, now Kelly thinks that she’s going to make Paige into a model. This photographer looks like a weirdo. What kind of photoshoot is this for? This is some weird kiddie porn stuff. She’s making super suggestive faces and she’s like 11. Also, that hair and fake eyelashes? Weird.

Mufasa is growling at Kendall ala Christi and Chloe. I’m so happy we haven’t seen Holly bitching at Nia yet.

Kelly is back. Ok, cool.

Abby asks the moms who gets the solo. And puts Melissa on the spot to make a tie breaker. And she chooses Nia! Woooooooo! Mufasa of course wants to chew her head off. Poor Kendall is sitting there crying. This is super sad. Chloe ends up getting the solo. Obviously. Why is this episode so sad?! Can some great stuff happen please!!! I can’t bear to see these girls get tortured any longer!!!!

Oh no. Is Chloe going to Chlo it again at Nationals? I’m sure Mufasa would love that. Why do they keep talking about Justice? Is he seriously a threat?

The Candy Apple’s are HERE. Finally! And what do you know? They’re at the same studio as Abby Lee AND she has another guest choreographer. Woof. Cathy has a hot dance mom! That red head in the hot pink shirt is super hot!

Woah. Cathy just comes in and disrupts their rehearsal. What is her problem? Also, what the hell is with Justice and Vivi falling in love in every dance? Gross. Ok turns out hot mom is Justice’s mom. And she wants in on Abby Lee’s studio. Oh crap!

“There should be blood on that dance floor tomorrow, blood on that stage, red beef jerky blood.”

BEST QUOTE OF THE ENTIRE SEASON.

Woah I can’t get over how hot Justice’s mom is! He better come to Abby Lee next season! He needs to rid himself of Vivi.

We’re at Nationals!

Maddie’s solo is stunning. It’s perfect. It really is.
Justice is covered in blood for his solo? Eh. It was weird and stupid.

Brooke’s Anne Frank number kicks ass. Woah. I’m so proud of her! And Kelly!

Mac’s doing the anti-vivi dance and she’s freaking out. Abby is such a bitch for using this cutie as a pawn in her nasty game. But she rocks it. Because she’s a Ziegler.

Chloe rocks the solo too! Abby Lee kicks ass!

Ugh the candy apple’s girls look like Cinderella sluts. Ummm what the hell is that group dance? I don’t understand anything that happened with it.

Holy crap. That last text number gave me chills. It was amazing.

MAC GETS SO MANY AWARDS! YAY! National title.

BROOKE DOES TOO! National title.

MADDIE AND CHLOE DO TOO! National titles.

Seriously, these girls are the shit.

And who wins the group dance? Obviously. Abby Lee.

This episode gets 5 out of 5 apples. Amazing.

Posted at 11:15am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, drama, dance, moms, mackenzie ziegler, maddie ziegler, abby lee miller, candy apples, justice, mufasa, lion, apples, los angeles, beverly hills, model, acting, dancing, anne frank, bumble bee,.

September 12th 2012

SORRY WE’RE LATE!

2 notes |#

Late posting a recap, not late with our periods!!

haha jk jk Sue’s in LA away from her bf and I’m here in NY writing a dance moms blog so let’s face it—our periods will ALWAYS BE ON TIME.

Sorry lovelies, we are going to post last nights recap by the end of the day tomorrow.

It was a big one so expect some great stuff!

a

Love, anna and sue

Posted at 4:05pm and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, Drama, reality, honey boo boo,.

September 9th 2012

16 notes |#

YOU’RE WELCOME WORLD.

Posted at 10:56pm and tagged with: chloe, maddie ziegler, dance moms, drama, katy perry, last friday night, dance, music, pop, hotel, singing, dancing,.

July 5th 2012

Click here to ask us ANYTHING!

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Posted at 2:36pm and tagged with: dance moms, drama, lifetime, questions, answers,.

February 1st 2012

Season 2, Episode 3 Recap

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Livin on the dance flooooor!!!!

Flabby Abby

Okay, can we just start off by stating the obvs: is Abby getting bigger or what? She the size of the shack my dad used to have in his back yard. And he kept a riding lawnmower inside of it. All Abby keeps are Oreos in her fat folds. If she walks fast enough sometimes yodels fall out!

Pyramid Skyramid

So and So, your pigtails are adorable and we love you. Don’t ever get your permanent teeth. But seriously, these outfits! Girls, you’re going to be sluts later in life. Can you wear a proper unitard once in a while? We have been begging for unitards since episode 1!! Please wear one for your fans! Nia’s at the bottom of the pyramid. Abby just hates Nia, let’s face it. Nia will never stick out to her. Also, HOW is Simba better than Nia? She’s on probation!

OMG So and So is higher in the pyramid. Go team! We love you!

Chloe’s on top! Yay! It sounds like Abby put her there grudgingly though. Is she going to start getting really full of herself son? Christi says she’s buying her ice cream … yeah right.

Trio without Paige?!?!

Chloe and Maddie are doing a trio with Simba. Mufasa is so excited but we think Simba is like, whatever. You need more drive girl!

Bully bully bully

Abby announces a group number about bullying “I am putting art on the stage.” Dr. Holly brings up the irony that Abby is speaking out about bullying when she’s the hugest bully on the schoolyard. Maddie reveals that she gets bullied on the bus sometimes. And on here, too. We bully the shit out of that cocky little bitch because she deserves to go down so the underdog can rise to the top. Dr. Holly isn’t happy that Nia is portraying the bully. That’s a black thing. I get it. Why does she have to be the bad guy because of the color of her skin? Also, Nia has got the cutest sweetest face of the whole bunch, besides So and So of course.

New Girl!

Abby revealed that she’s bringing in another member to the company because she knows that Kendall and Mufasa are blah. Peyton seems nice but she is two feet taller than the rest of the girls. Everyone loves her though, so I’ll jump on board too. While she’s a little gummy, her abs are unreal. Does she paint them on?!

Leslie and Peyton (Mama Bitch and Tall Baby Bitch)

VS.

Mufasa and Simba

What if Abby couldn’t speak?

OMG Abby is losing her voice. Imagine this bitch without a voice! To these girls, I bet that’s like if their abusive mom broke both arms and wasn’t able to hit them anymore. They must feel so safe. Why on earth is Holly such a bitch about Nia being a bully? She’s an actor! Holly, I give you credit for being smart and most of the time I agree with you, but this is stupid.

Is it me or do the names of these dance poses sound like drag queen names?

Christi really does have a big nose, though. Kathy has a point. She’s like a ferret.

Poor Chlo

Abby is such a huge bitch that she makes Chloe cry. “You’re the cockiest kid I’ve ever met.” She is going to be hearing her voice in her head for the rest of her life, telling her she’s bad and will always fail and she’ll stop dancing and force her kid to dance and re-live her childhood through her kid. Or maybe she’ll do the Artist’s Way and everything will be fine. (Sue did the Artist’s Way)

Brooke is a cheerleader now.

Is So and So missing an entire row of teeth? Aww, she gives Brooke a kiss on the cheek. She is SO adorable. Maddie, are you wearing a full face of makeup on a weekday? Ugh, you make me sick.

Leslie is a QUEEN BITCH

Leslie the New Dance Mom is amazing. She’s sure doesn’t take any shit. Mufasa is scared. Is it me or does Mufasa part her bangs in a weird way? She has, like, combover bangs. Sue, it’s her mane! MUFASA!

It is really horrible that Abby is making Paige run the music :(

The Dance Moms all make fun of Abby’s size and it is GLORIOUS! They’re right—Abby has probably never done a plie in her entire life. God, can you imagine if Abby had a solo? I just picture her coming out dressed as a cow in a tutu and everyone would think it was two people in the cow suit but, no, they’d be wrong. It’d just be her.

Moms like coffee.

Mufasa has horrible style. I think she thinks this is her Real Housewives audition. Leslie is trying to stir up some shit at the coffee house. AW SNAP! Be careful, ya’ll. They got coffee houses in Pittsburgh! Of course Holly has got to be all uppity with her tea. Doctor’s drink tea motha fuckaaaaaas!

Naughty School Girls?!?!?!?

Oh god, girls! What are these costumes? Do you want to turn them into Britney “Cheetos” Spears? Is Mufasa still talking? It’s times like these I actually feel bad for Abby.

Hollywood Vibe in St. Louis- Abby, of course, puts a lot of pressure on the girls to do well. Wait, did you all see So and So looking at the city in her pink coat? She honestly makes me heart melt. I just can’t stand to keep looking at Mufasa. Why would she bribe her daughter with $20 to do well? Listen, she’s too young for botox! She just wants candy!

Trio

What the fuck is this shit about “men” in this number? These girls probably don’t even know any men. Honestly, this dance is a real snoozefest. What is this song? We hate this.

Solos

Okay Maddie, we get it. You’re perfect. I wonder if she cuts herself when she makes a mistake? WHY MORE MIDRIFF? CAN NONE OF THESE BITCHES AFFORD A FULL COSTUME?!?
Those turns were unreal though. I bet Maddie can do 50 without even getting sick. She is a powerhouse! Chloe does look beautiful though. She always does. I think Abby gets caught up in all this drama. She LIKES having her favorites and not liking others. Chloe’s solo is so beautiful. Maybe it’s just because I like her costume better?

Ok, Sue has a little boner for Chlo. I, Anna, am Team Maddie all the way! Chlo is turning into a cocky bitch! Yeah her lines are better, but Maddie’s personality shines so much more during her performances. Which team are YOU on?!

Group Number

Okay, I’m trying hard not to comment on Peyton’s forehead because I don’t want to be mean, BUT LOOK AT THAT FOREHEAD. SHE LOOKS LIKE THE SHINING. There, I got it out of my system like Tourette’s. It’s a pretty number. Abby always likes to make a statement and the judges eat that shit up. But these costumes are so slutty!! Peyton says that she feels like the best dancer in the group. Shit’s gonna get ugly! But Peyton let’s face it, you’re 20 years older than the rest of the girls so if you’re not the best dancer that would be sad. And also, Maddie is better than you. Maddie is better than EVERYONE. (hehe it’s Anna again) Leslie gives Abby a run for her money and I love that shit. Then Abby says Peyton shouldn’t belittle others—that’s her job. AT LEAST SHE FINALLY ADMITS IT.

Winners!

Obvs Maddie wins her division. I’m sad that Chloe didn’t place because my heart aches for her. The trio didn’t place because it was so boring. The group number didn’t place! Judges don’t want little girls to dress like baby porn stars! THANK YOU.

Ugh, Abby needs more friends in her life and probably a good deep dicking because the only thing she gets off on is this middle school drama.

We give this episode 2 out of 5 candy apples.

We need more Cathy, more dancing, and less sober yelling.

Posted at 10:30am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, drama, dancing, crazy bitches,.

January 17th 2012

Season 2, Episode 2 Liveblogging!

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Crapple Rehearsal

How the eff does Cathy teach dance? Look with your ears?! Cathy you’re teaching kids how to dance, not practicing your “Bad Girls” Donna Summer dance by yourself at home.

Snoods

The moms are always looking like sweat shop workers before a big show sewing those costumes, and they’re always bitch bitch bitching. They are also all wearing so many patterns!!

Abby tells off Doctor & Mufasa

Sad. I thought Nia looked great.

Gift for Abby.

OMG Melissa and Mufasa are totally proposing a three way with Abby. This is getting wild.

Candy Apple Cocktail Party

Presidential suite? Downtown Columbus? I cannot wait! This cocktail party has so many patterns! I might just get a seizure from all the patterns on these women.

GET TO THE DANCING ALREADY!

Posted at 9:33pm and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, drama, candy apples, vivi,.

January 10th 2012

Season 2 Premiere! Liveblogging 4

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Dramatic Send Off

Ok Nia, chill. Your mom loves you! Abby closes the window on Holly. I get it that Abby isn’t a babysitter but don’t be a beyotch!!

Mufasa is a kiss ass

She gives Abby a CHANEL perfume in front of everyone! Clearly she wants Abby to smell good for the rendevous in the hilton bathroom later!!!

Don’t blo it Chlo!

Chloe tells us that she hears Abby yelling at her when she is just trying to walk around the mall. BLACK SWAN!

Kendall is an idiot.

If you don’t understand what probation is, just ask!

Maddie’s Solo

Her facials and turns were perfection.

Chloe’s Solo

Great costume! She killed it. She’s a celeb and she knows it. Maddie better be jelly.

Nia’s Solo

Hot diggity dog that girl is good!!

Kendall’s Solo

Ehh … a nervous wreck … good thing your mommy got Abby some Chanel! Everyone placed but Kendall!! Oh shit!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

And I think that might be it for now …

Posted at 9:49pm and tagged with: dance moms, drama, abby lee, lifetime,.

September 29th 2011

Season 1, Episode 11

13 notes |#

The One Where Chlo-Blows It

Chloe is actually crying on the inside.

This week’s pyramid is dramatic. Of course Maddie is on top. Tension is high in Lake Tahoe because nationals are upon us. Group number is called Beautiful, and once again Abby Lee picks another deep piece about internal beauty. Bitch loves giving the audience a lesson. Melissa abandons her girls for the second time to take off with her hot piece of ass to Florida. She gotta make sure he keeps signing those checks! Chloe says she’s tired of dancing. Kristi thinks she means forever, but homegirl just needs a nap and a banana!

The Doctor is IN the house

Dr. Holly pushes around Abby Lee Miller. Abby reaffirms that she don’t take no shit from nobody, even DOCTORS. Abby then goes on to say she’s an apple (white) while Holly is an orange (black). And the whole time she’s saying this I’m thinking where the fuck are Cathy and Vivi?!?!

Lil Hos

Can we talk about the outfits these girls wear to their rehearsals? Halter tops and booty shorts all day every day! They look like baby porn stars. When we were kids we at least wore entire unitards with matching headbands. Haha, unitard. Also, I never wore makeup until I got a zit that needed to be covered. Do these girls wear deodorant too?? I bet they shave their legs. #jealous And Melissa’s neglect of her children is apparent in so and so’s foundation choice, girl you are not tan enough for that shade!

Black Swan

Abby has the bright idea of pitting Chloe and Maddie against each other Black Swan style in a dance called Black Swan. This is all too real, Abby. Abby, why are you making Chloe be the Black Swan?! That is so mean, you vile bitch! I foresee a future for Chloe that involves stabbing herself in the stomach with part of the mirror before winning her first title, “I was perfect!!”

Vacation?

Abby takes them to the Lake to relax but then makes them do basket stretches like the Nazi slave driver she is.

DRAMZ

Melissa’s ex-husband, Kurt who is Maddie and So and So’s baby daddy, beats down the door of the bowling alley like the classy gem that he is. How did he know they were bowling? Also, he is HOT for a middle class Bruce Willis. Kurt admits that, “Dance had a lot to do with the breakup of my marriage.” Now the truth comes out. Abby must be real good in bed to woo Melissa away from that bear peen.

Kelly’s Jealous … Again

Kelly tells Abby to shove her daughter’s national crown up her ass. Okay, if she has been involved with that studio for over 20 years, why don’t she and Abby get along better? Unless there was some lover’s quarrel — i.e. They had a relationship and Abby was all, “I love you.” And Kelly was like, “Abby, I need the peen.” And that’s why Abby is the way she is.

Kelly then flips out on Maddie. Maddie is going to grow up hating herself for being good because this crazy porcupine with a stuffy nose flips on her left and right. Maddie also hates her daddy. What’s to hate about that guy? He is a hot piece of middle-aged ass! I foresee a future for Maddie using her flexibility in the bedroom to pay for “the nice things in life” which would consist of “the finest meth money can buy” (like blue ice, do you guys watch breaking bad? It’s a lot better than this show.)

The Big Showdown

Maddie’s solo is fucking amazing. Her dad looks hot when he claps for her, mmmm biceps. But Chloe and Maddie are competing against each other for the national title. Chloe hates herself so wonder who will win that one?! Chloe, pick up your balls, throw them over your shoulder, and kick that girl’s ass, okay? Music gets all dramatic and Chloe chokes, of course. We hate to say that because we want her to win! But she doesn’t want to win and she doesn’t believe in herself and it’s so sad! Chloe we love you!! Maddie tells us she has too many crowns for herself and that she has to have her mom build her another shelf for them … BITCH! Anyway, MOVING ON! Brooke and Paige did a beautiful acro solo that I could never do* and neither could Abby but Abby calls it mediocre. Ugh, what a cunt.

*Sue wrote that, but I, Anna CAN do the acro in that routine so if any men out there want to help me pay for my daughter’s dance classes hit a momma up!

My Beauty.

Slutty costumes. Abby tells the girls that if their tops come off, don’t worry about it. “You seen one boob, you seen em all.” Yeah right, Abby! You love boobs! So and so looks like she’s in a Pixie Stix coma. Truth be told, they did a gorgeous dance that warmed my cold cold heart. So and So and Nia even pulled their weight. Of course Maddie was front and center. Of course they won the whole shebang. I mean, duh. That’s what this show is all about.

But, duh duh duh, we find out Hothead Dad wants to take Maddie away from Abby Lee. Next season dramz, of course. But then Abby announces they’re going back to LA to be in a music video. But MAYBE this cast will meet up with Mackenzie and Eden from Toddlers & Tiaras…

I love So and So with all my heart.

Tally:

Melissa chokes on a dick- 2

Melissa chokes on Abby- 6

Lesbian moments that were waiting to happen- 34

Lesbian moments that actually happened- 0 :(

Chloe pulls a “chlo”-1

Crying- 8

Amount of people that sound like they need to blow their nose- everyone. WTF is it allergy season in Tahoe?

Candy Apples:

4 out of 5. Great amount of actual dancing.

Posted at 3:53pm and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, drama, dance, baby prostitutes, child abuse,.

September 19th 2011

Who’s Who in Dance Moms

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Abby Lee and “the core”

Cathy and Vivi

Abby Lee Miller: owner of the Abby Lee dance company, roughly the size of a Smart Car, never dances but makes can make a star out any little brat. She’s drill sergeant-like, wears a whistle, and is not above using a foam bat to keep the girl’s legs straight. She can be found making her student’s moms cry and/or collecting scraps of Maddy’s hair and skin from the studio floor.

The Moms:

Melissa: She is the only divorcee of the moms, and has had no problem whoring herself out for the sake of her daughters dance lessons. She is the proud mother of Maddy, the most talented dancer at the studio and constantly fails to acknowledge her other daughter who we’ll just call “so and so.” Abby’s right hand woman, Melissa never knows how to download music or get costumes done in time.

Holly “Dr. Holly”: She is the principal of a middle school and has over 20 degrees just to prove to everyone she isn’t black, she even has one from U Penn, ever heard of it?

Kelly: A washed up dancer, used to be a student of Abby’s. We’re pretty sure the only reason she quit dancing was because she was pregnant with Brooke. She is bitter about that, and can usually be found drinking with Christi and being jealous of Melissa’s kids.

Christi: A high functioning alcoholic, youngest of all the moms with the worst hair. Cathy said she needed botox and she’s 35.

Cathy: Owner of the Candy Apples Dance Studio, she drives 10 hours from Ohio to Pennsylvania so Vivi can be part of Abby Lee’s Dance Studio. We don’t know where Vivi came from—they seem Jewish? She loves “purses, bunnies, and carrots.” Can usually be found taking pills and crying alone in her BMW, clutching a cornucopia purse, and listening to Bach.

The Girls:

Maddy: the star. Her name will be in lights, YOU KNEW HER WHEN! Melissa’s daughter.

Mackenzie “So and So”: She just wants to swim in the pool. Melissa’s other daughter.

Nia: Doesn’t know she’s black, clearly a product of Holly.

Paige: Kelly’s youngest daughter, frightened of human contact.

Brooke: Kelly’s oldest daughter, she just wants to go to the mall and be a cheerleader. Crazy good contortionist.

Chloe: Which one’s Chloe? Beautiful dancer, but she’s always in the shadow of Maddy. Has internalized Christi’s jealousy of Maddy.

Vivianne “Vivi”: Clearly adopted and mentally challenged, her hair is down to her knees like a member of the 4H. She’s Cathy’s daughter but hates pink and dancing. She’s destined to munch box.

Posted at 3:34pm and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, drama, characters, dancing, toddlers and tiaras,.