Hi guys! How’s it going? My boyfriend was drinking milk before bed and he left it out all night and I’m so grossed out. Is it still good? Should I put it back in the fridge? Cow’s milk is just the nastiest stuff.
Pyramid. Abby is getting on everyone’s dicks for not doing the right choreography but it was an improvised show anyway so wtf? Kenzie’s has fierce face in her new headshot. She could be on RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Little Kenzie gets a solo! Aww do they BOTH have braces?
Hot-ass Nick is coming back to do the group number! Brooke is the female lead and I think Abby is trying to make a little love connection.
Kelly says her first love is dead… Um, I don’t think we’ve had backstory on this ever. SO WTF? Then they go on a dating website to try to find someone for Abby? Yo, do you think Abby’s a virgin? I get the feeling that she’s never had love in her life.
You guys, I’ve been getting back into one of my fave reality TV shows, Ruby, on Netflix. OMG she is just the best. It’s one woman’s journey to lose weight. Apparently she is still a virgin. Not because she couldn’t get a guy— she had dumb old Denny for eight years— but because she’s saving herself for marriage. I mean, Denny is ok and I understand having that chemistry with someone. He just seems so sketchy.
Then Abby does some grind moves and it’s hilarious. GIF REQUEST PLS. Also, I love this new, emotionally vulnerable Abby. I love watching Abby and the Moms get along!
The Moms bring a limo for Abby to go to her speed dating and Abby says she won’t come if Christi’s there. I get it. She feels emotionally threatened by Christi. And this is going to be a vulnerable place so she doesn’t want to feel like she’s gonna get teased. Abby likes guys that are worldly and tells the moms she’s dating a guy right now. Amazing. Even though it’s a tragedy, I sort of feel like Broadway Baby dying was the best thing that could have happened to her because she’s so much more open.
Abby’s first question to her potential match is, “Do you own your own tuxedo?” I LOVE LOVE LOVE that that’s the first thing she wants to know about someone. Who ASKS someone that? Sheesh. She is like an elderly drag queen on the inside.
Her second is, “How many times have you been to Disneyworld.” ALSO AMAZING. The first guy is like too edgy for her. But Carl, the second guy is sweet. And Abby gives him a creepy wink which is PRICELESS.
Jill says, “It would be great if Abby finds love because it would make our lives a whole lot easier.” What she means is, “ABBY NEEDS TO GET THAT DICK ASAP SO SHE CAN CHILL OUT.”
Oops, I tuned out for a minute because I was getting my calendar together for the next few months. BECAUSE I AM SO IMPORTANT. J/k I quit my job waiting tables and now that shit IS BLANK except for all the freakin weddings I have to go to this summer. Just WAIT until all your friends get to be that age. You will have to go to SO MANY weddings. You think it’s gonna be cool but then it’s the most boring shit ever. And the bachelorette parties? Don’t even get me started. You want us to all sit around and watch you open presents from your registry that we SAW WHEN WE WERE BUYING YOUR PRESENT? Oh hell naw. This is the only reason I want to get married someday. My friends all owe me.
Anyway, Abby wants a ring from this gay guy in California. I actually think that would be her soulmate. A gay guy would be a perfect match for her because they all have tuxes. I don’t mean that in a racist way. I’m jealous.
Aww, the dresses for this group number are so traditional and beautiful. I just love ballet culture. I’m personally rhythmically challenged, but I’m fascinated by people who have that in them.
Nia is sick with bronchitis. This ain’t good. You guys, I’m going to go to this Vinyasa class today and it’s going to be life-changing. I’ve been going to Om Factory in Union Square and doing their aerial classes too. I swear. Straight up life changing.
So-and-so’s solo is very dramatic and like, emotional and grown-up. It was perfect. Hey do you think Melissa got extensions too? Her hair looks fuller and thicker.
Jill takes Kendall in the hall to give Kendall a secret private. What a little snake. I kind of love her scheming. Nia and Kendall’s duet is so weird. Like, they totally interperted the song literally. The lyricsa are about diging deeper so she gvae them hardhats and shovels. Nia gives great face though.
Maddie’s solo is pretty and very Maddie. The group number is SO SO musical theater. You guys loved Les Mis, right? Even though we’re comedians we LOVED it.
Maddie gets second place and so does the group number. Abby is pissed. Listen Abby, I would just like to get second place in one thing. To stand out enough to the point where someone takes me aside and says, “You almost did it. You beat out all of these people and you were almost the best. You’re really talented and you stand out. Here’s a medal.” I would LOVE that!!!!
This episode gets 3 out of 5 candy apples.