Hey guys! It’s me, Sue, here. First off: some news. Anna and I met up with our friend the hotel spy who was working while Abby and the Dance Moms stayed there. She said that Abby paid $200 for someone to come to her hotel room at the last minute for a blowdry on a Monday night. Two hundo? That shit cray! Ain’t she ever heard of Jean Louis David? Also, she said that the girls all wear extensions.
Abby puts Brooke on the bottom for being injured last week. That ain’t fair. NIA IS AT THE TOP!!!! We’ve been waiting two seasons for this!
Anna here, I’ve been having a shitty week and the fact that Nia is finally on top of the pyramid means that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK! YGG! Also, I’ve decided to take this moment to dedicate our post to Nia pics and gifs. WE LOVE YOU!
Wait. In Chrisit’s confessional—does she have a tooth missing? There’s a huge black gap in her mouth, has she had this all this time? What a piece of white trash!! She prob banged it out with a wine glass.
The group number sounds weird. Some stuff about fitting in. Abby should have a talk show: “Deep Thoughts With Abby Lee Miller.” More like deep vagina. I bet it’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway in there. Ew, I’m grossing myself out. Didn’t someone once say Abby was a virgin anyway?
OMG THE DANCE IS CALLED TAKEN! I was almost taken when I went to Spain. I kept tweeting at Liam Neeson though to let him know I was ok.
Also, Melissa has got to be pregnant. Or she has a giant belly tumor. That’s actually a thing though, this girl I know had a tumor in her stomach, everyone just thought she was weirdly fat, then she got it removed and was super sexy. Weird, right??
The moms are bitching about the group dance and start yelling so loud that the girls start hearing them from their treehouse in the sky. Has anyone seen the Timothy Green movie yet? Anna and I went to see The Queen of Versailles this weekend. It was good but kinda sad and I was kinda not impressed by the story arch. Just depressed the whole time.
Anyway, Christi calls Melissa out for having an affair with her married boss (DRAMA!) and Melissa says, “Fuck you,” calls her a bitch, and leaves. YGG! Shit is getting real this season. I feel terrible for her children :(
ALSO, Holly has Michelle Obama arms. WE LIKEY!
Melissa and her girls don’t show up the next day and Abby starts crying big ol tears. We cut to Candy Apple’s, where Cathy has brought back Mitchell & Michael, The M&M choreographers who did that racist Asian shit last time. Why the hell does Cathy hire choreographers to choreograph her own studio? Why does she have her own dance studio again? I’m confused.
I really need to brush my teeth. It’s like they’re wearing tiny wool sweaters.
Sue, that made me laugh so hard. But eww, gross. I floss every day sometimes twice a day I get really weird about my teeth. I blame it on my ex-boyfriend.
Candy Ap’s boys are doing a duet. Weird. They are pretending Jill’s face is on the table? I don’t understand …
Nia is something called the “Dance Captain” this week so she has to call Maddie and beg her to get her ass to rehearsal so Abby can feel complete. Nia is so smart, she is the only sane person on this show I think. When she said “I’m not her mom.” Girl is genius.
You guys been watching “Beverly Hills Nannies”? It’s really good. I’m going to LA next month and I’m scared everyone there is going to be like that. SUE DON’T GO! What am I going to do for a whole month? I miss you already :(
When Abby hears the Aps will be at the competition, she makes Maddie do a solo, even though she said she wasn’t initially. It’s so weird that Abby is actually scared of them. I wonder what size her boobs are? I watched “Strange Sex” on TLC today and the woman had the biggest breasts in the world and they were size 102 ZZZ! And she was so happy and accepting of her body. I wish I could be more body accepting like that.
I know me too Sue! Guys, we are both trying to start working out more. Yesterday I took an insane spin class that left me paralyzed for the rest of the night. For real, I am so sore. I need to start going to the gym more often, how’s insanity treatin ya Sue?
Melissa refuses to let Maddie do the solo since it’s the night before the competition and she hasn’t had time to practice.
Abby suspects Justice’s duet partner, DRAZEN, is a wringer and not really a Candy Ap. DRAZEN? Ugh, go to hell. Did you watch Louie this week? One of the kids was named NEVER. And then he took a shit in the bathtub. It was brilliant.
Chloe’s solo is dark and goth and gorgeous. I love it. It’s probably my favorite of all her solos. Justice needs to get a haircut, that’s for sure. He looks like a Lost Boy. It’s a cute dance though. Honestly, are we in Titantic? So dramatic. Also, that dance blew, not artistic at all. It looked like the dance people go when they make fun of musical theater kids in high school.
Yo, wtf is with the bonnets in the group number? That’s some 19 Kids and Counting shit. It’s a gorgeous dance though… Eh, Sue I thought it was weird.
Cathy stops the Candy App’s group number before they begin it because she’s ridic. What do you think about maxi dresses? I’ve always thought I was too short for them but maybe I should try one. Sue, you know I love a good maxi. But I have so much junk in the trunk that sometimes the guy on the corner (Floppy’s friend) screams profanities … Anyway, the Candy Aps have a fine group number. The costumes are snoozefingers. I love when they cut to reaction shots of Abby breathing through her mouth. Homegirl totally sleeps with one of those sleep apnea machines. Right??
OMG. Chloe loses to Justice by a tenth of a point. IS THERE NO HUMANITY IN THIS WORLD? The Candy App’s group number gets third and Abby gets first, even though they look like Sister Wives with those bonnets.
Abby is so weird and competitive in the green room. What the hell is her problem? It’s creepy. She just walked in and started being terrible to everyone. Wow, I’ve never been so embarrassed for another human being like this.
The DRAZEN/JUSTICE duet is some Newsies weirdness, are they dancing to dubstep?? WTF. The Kendall/So and So duet is adorable. The girls beat them. GIRL POWER! It’s all bc Justice was too busy smirking. Also, Mackenzie’s face at the end of the dance is PRICELESS!
Abby says, “Two out of three. I didn’t get my clean sweep. We can blame Chloe for that.” What a cunt. That is honestly so emotionally abusive. Chloe is going to be severely damaged for the rest of her life— so sad!
Melissa and Cathy Candy Apps start a remarkable fight in the green room. So great.
This episode gets three out of five candy apples. More Holly and Nia please though!!