Every week, Anna Callegari and Sue Smith discuss the Lifetime show, Dance Moms, which chronicles the lives of the finest crazy bitches America has to offer.

So we open up in LA, where Sue is :( I miss you SUZY!

Melissa almost loses her shit when Abby says 90210 bc she wants everyone to know what Abby’s going to say before she says it—must have heard about it in some pillow talk.  We know you two hook up.  Just be open about it already!

Now for the pyramid.  Paige is still on the bottom bc she broke her goddamn foot, then Nia, then Chloe?!  Crazy.  Simba is higher than Chloe.  This is weird … I’m sure Mufasa is going to lick an antelope’s bones clean in celebration later.

Then Brooke, then Mac.  WTF Mac is higher than Brooke?  Clearly the Ziegler sisters are on top because well let’s face it, Maddie is the shit.  But Mac in second place?  Melissa has been working it in the bedroom with Abby!  I wonder what they do?!

The group number is called “my last text” oh great, another Abby preachy number.

Abby tells the girls that they’re not friends, they’re competitors.  This is terrible.  I don’t want to know what these girls are going to turn out to be like.

Ok, she’s counting on Maddie’s acting chops to win the group number … I see it.

The moms are bitching about their daughters blah blah blah.  I just ate so many habenero almonds for breakfast wtf is wrong with me.  Christi’s face when Chloe is talking about texting and driving is ridiculous.  Christi is the master of the stank eye.

Kelly freaks when Abby doesn’t give Paige a dancing spot—I think it was brilliant bc PAIGE BROKE HER FOOT.  Just let her rest!

Why the hell is Christi giving Chloe dance advice?  She’s such a bitch!  I’d like to see you try to do some of those moves ya big bitch!

I’m sure Holly is taking Nia out for ice cream and being super supportive right now.  I love Nia and Holly.  Also, Holly looks wonderful in turquoise.

Mac is doing another stupid flippy dance to a jive song.  BUT WAIT.  It’s the same music from Vivi’s asbergers bee routine.  I’m sure that’s going to cause some dramz.

Cathy is coming to freak everyone out.  Why are they even nervous?  Cathy and her candy apple’s suck!  

Brooke is doing the Anne Frank routine.  Abby is full of DRAMZ.

Maddie is doing a lyrical routine about telling herself she’s back in the game.  Ugh.  More DRAMZ.

Wow.  Abby just told Kelly she needs to take Paige to the doctor and check if she’s retarded or something?!  What the hell.  Abby took it way too far.  Did she not realize that all the girls were in the room?  Did she not understand how Paige would feel?  Abby.  That was terrible.  I better hear an apology before this episode ends.  Sure Kelly is super dramatic, but Abby WTF?!

Oh great, now Kelly thinks that she’s going to make Paige into a model.  This photographer looks like a weirdo.  What kind of photoshoot is this for?  This is some weird kiddie porn stuff.  She’s making super suggestive faces and she’s like 11.  Also, that hair and fake eyelashes?  Weird.

Mufasa is growling at Kendall ala Christi and Chloe.  I’m so happy we haven’t seen Holly bitching at Nia yet.  

Kelly is back.  Ok, cool.

Abby asks the moms who gets the solo.  And puts Melissa on the spot to make a tie breaker.  And she chooses Nia!  Woooooooo!  Mufasa of course wants to chew her head off.  Poor Kendall is sitting there crying.  This is super sad.  Chloe ends up getting the solo.  Obviously.  Why is this episode so sad?!  Can some great stuff happen please!!!  I can’t bear to see these girls get tortured any longer!!!!

Oh no.  Is Chloe going to Chlo it again at Nationals?  I’m sure Mufasa would love that.  Why do they keep talking about Justice?  Is he seriously a threat?

The Candy Apple’s are HERE.  Finally!  And what do you know?  They’re at the same studio as Abby Lee AND she has another guest choreographer.  Woof.  Cathy has a hot dance mom!  That red head in the hot pink shirt is super hot!

Woah.  Cathy just comes in and disrupts their rehearsal.  What is her problem?  Also, what the hell is with Justice and Vivi falling in love in every dance?  Gross.  Ok turns out hot mom is Justice’s mom.  And she wants in on Abby Lee’s studio.  Oh crap!  

“There should be blood on that dance floor tomorrow, blood on that stage, red beef jerky blood.”


Woah I can’t get over how hot Justice’s mom is!  He better come to Abby Lee next season!  He needs to rid himself of Vivi.

We’re at Nationals!

Maddie’s solo is stunning.  It’s perfect.  It really is.
Justice is covered in blood for his solo?  Eh.  It was weird and stupid.

Brooke’s Anne Frank number kicks ass.  Woah.  I’m so proud of her!  And Kelly!

Mac’s doing the anti-vivi dance and she’s freaking out.  Abby is such a bitch for using this cutie as a pawn in her nasty game.  But she rocks it.  Because she’s a Ziegler.

Chloe rocks the solo too!  Abby Lee kicks ass!

Ugh the candy apple’s girls look like Cinderella sluts.  Ummm what the hell is that group dance?  I don’t understand anything that happened with it.

Holy crap.  That last text number gave me chills.  It was amazing.

MAC GETS SO MANY AWARDS!  YAY!  National title.

BROOKE DOES TOO!  National title.

MADDIE AND CHLOE DO TOO!  National titles.

Seriously, these girls are the shit.

And who wins the group dance?  Obviously.  Abby Lee.

This episode gets 5 out of 5 apples.  Amazing.

Posted at 11:15am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, drama, dance, moms, mackenzie ziegler, maddie ziegler, abby lee miller, candy apples, justice, mufasa, lion, apples, los angeles, beverly hills, model, acting, dancing, anne frank, bumble bee,.