Nia’s new hair style is killing it. I love it.
OMG! Maddie is at the bottom of the period. Don’t you feel like this is going to be the season she goes into a black hole of shame and despair? YES PLEASE!
Mackenzie is also on the bottom because she got tenth place, aww… As it goes on it looks like Chloe is going to be on top. YEAH GURL! Get it! Is Chloe going to be the Maddie of season 3?!
This week the girls are going to Chicago. I feel like Abby could eat at Next in Chicago TWICE and not be full. (Next is this restaurant that Anna went to that is super hard to get a reservation at and serves 13 course Italian meals. Jealous.) Sue, we all know I could eat Abby under the table any day.
Abby is going another Nia/So & So duet! I am so excited for this!
Zombie Zombie Zombie! (Sung to the tune of The Cranberries song)
Chloe gets punished for going to the doctor and doesn’t get a solo. Abby calls them “lazy and lifeless” and gives them a group number about zombies. I am so excited for this! Is she going to make the girls do bath salts before the competition? Is this dance an ode to the homeless guy who got his face eaten off?!
She puts Dr. Holly in charge of the costumes. So mean, Abby. Later in life they are going to be working really hard and only hearing Abby’s voice in their heads calling them lazy, telling them it’s not enough. Wait, no. That’s me with my mom’s voice. Dark. Sue, relax, Abby is just teaching them work ethic! (right??)
We find out that Melissa isn’t working at Abby’s front desk anymore because her mystery man is loaded and she doesn’t have to work any more. Can we see this guy already? Does he own a jerky outlet?
Note: Garden Herb Triscuits are too salty! Do not want! Sue, you should totally eat the Ranch flavored wheat thins, they are super salty but in the best way possible. Also, Carrie’s traditional snack is cheddar cheese on the rosemary triscuits, it’s so freaking good. I’m eating a bagel with cream cheese right now, and by bagel I mean toasted Italian bread.
I feel like Brooke is going to have arthritis by the time she’s 19.
Abby tries to convince Brooke to take voice lessons at the studio because she manages her. I feel like Abby is a schemer, a con-artist. I hate her. Ugh, I’m so glad she’s back. THIS FEELS LIKE HOME! I’d take Abby over Moe any day!
Abby tells Melissa that Maddie doesn’t have the fire or confidence anymore. She’s washed up before she hits the double digits in age! This is so sad for me, Anna, you guys all know how much I love Maddie. Melissa is such a shitty mom that she needs Abby to spend solo time with her daughter because she can’t.
What are these glimpses of adult classes at Abby Lee? Weird.
Ugh, Abby for sure hates Nia because she is making her do a duo with Mackenzie. It’s so below her age level. But awesome Nia doesn’t give a fuck. Best attitude, girl! Also, remember how sick their acro routine was last season? Come on Sue, it’s our two favorite dancers together!
Sing For Your Supper!
Brooke has a voice lesson with Cathy, who looks like the mean librarian at school who you think is a lezzy but then gets married in her 50s and adopts some kids from Asia. Except without the husband or kids. I’m not going to say Brooke sounds bad, because everyone said I was a bad singer when I was her age and now I can’t even do karaoke, but she sounds… like something else. She totes wants to be the new Carly Rae Jepsen, I’m totally digging that sound she wrote though! I LOVE SHITTY POP MUSIC.
Do you think it’s weird that I’m eating Triscuits and tuna for dinner? That’s a pretty standard dinner for me. Sue, I’m jealous of that dinner.
It really seems like Melissa isn’t Abby’s fave anymore because she is living the dream with a husbo and no job.
DANCE MOMS DRAMA! THIS IS WHY WE WATCH THIS:
Abby calls them lazy again and she gets mad that Paige’s chair isn’t to her exact specifications so she makes a Chuckie face and throws it on the ground and Kelly gives her the finger! Then she tries to pit Paige against Kelly. She is such a fucking abusive dad. So volatile. Kelly bursts and SHIT GETS REAL. She tells Abby her kids are leaving the studio (yeah right, yawn) and says, “Good luck paying your bills without my tuition.” And THEN my favorite moment of this entire series comes when Kelly tells her, “Stop eating! That’s why you’re fat.” THANK YOU, KELLY! Then she walks out. A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT! Abby says in her confessional, “Kelly’s a mean girl. She’s been a mean girl since she was a kid.” UM, POT KETTLE, MUCH?! Kelly says, “Abby is a 400 pound woman who scares my daughter. And that’s why she’s crying.” EXACTLY!
It really looks like things are falling apart in paradise and we couldn’t be more excited!!!
So of course Kelly brings Paige and Brooke back after the commercial break. Obvs.
Abby gives Maddie a pep talk and she really looks like she’s dead behind the eyes. Melissa comes in crying, trying to kiss Abby’s snowmobile sized ass. Maddie gets embarrassed and leaves. I remember when I used to play basketball at the Y on Friday nights and everyone else’s mom would wait outside when it was time for them to go but my mom used to come into the gym to get me. Oooh girl, I used to get so embarrassed. I getcha, Maddie. Doesn’t Abby understand that Maddie is fucked up because of her stupid mother?! Clearly she is going through so much shit at home, with her mom whoring herself out :( Poor Maddie!
Abby is super standoffish. It’s like she doesn’t care about Melissa, her lover, anymore. Melissa tries to tattle on the other girls and Abby sees right through that shit.
Abby yells at the bus driver, of course. Wait, they are taking a bus from Pittsburgh to Chicago? That must be like a million hour drive. Actually Sue, spoken as a true Chicagoan, it’s only around 6 hrs! Pittsburgh is halfway between NYC and Chitown!
Melissa tells Maddie she hates her face. Maddie tells Abby she wants to do her solo but she’s super wishy washy. Do you feel like Abby and Melissa broke up and they’re both trying to play cool? Everyone! Maddie is clearly depressed! Get this girl some help! Having the adults in her life (the maternal adults!) yell at her and tell her she’s not good enough cannot be good for this girl’s self esteem!
Abby registers Maddie and tries to bump Brooke and Paige. When she finds out Maddie is dancing, Kelly says she is pulling their solos. Kelly, a resentment is like pissing your pants: only you can feel it. You are only hurting them after they’ve practiced all week and travelled all that way. It stinks because Kelly has totally be in the right for everything up until now.
Chloe’s solo is beautiful. It’s lyricy and dark but not morbid. Chloing it is not a thing anymore! We need a term for Maddie blowing it! NO WE DON’T SUE. NO WE DON’T. #maddiefanclub4lyfe
Maddie’s solo is like, boring and pink and v. v. Maddie. THEN the music skips! Jesus, who still uses a CD? I should wear my orange lipstick tomorrow maybe. Maddie keeps dancing and the crowd goes wild. Ugh.
Ok guys, Sue and I have never been in more of a disagreement than we are now. I thought this dance was beautiful, so cathartic for Maddie, she is going through so much shit off the stage but the second she starts to dance everything is alright! Girl, I love you!
Nia’s duet is cute… But these cuts to Melissa in the audience make me want to barf. This woman is the worst person ever. First place for this duet obvi!
The zombie costumes and makeup are adorable. I love zombie stuff and the bruise pallette in general (black, grey, blue, purple.) Zombie glam is gorgeous. What an awesome dance.
WHAT! Quick cut to So and So screaming like a monster! I love her.
Then Abby and Kelly get in a fight in the dressing room. She calls her kids lazy.
UGH, THIS EPISODE IS AMAZING. 5 out of 5 Candy Apple’s!