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Every week, Anna Callegari and Sue Smith discuss the Lifetime show, Dance Moms, which chronicles the lives of the finest crazy bitches America has to offer.

April 3rd 2013

Dance Moms Recap, Season 3, Episode 13

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Hey guys! Sue here! Long time no see. I have so much to tell you guys. First, when I hear Vanessa Hudgens’ name, in my head I think, “Vanessa Hug and Kiss.” Am I the only one? Second, Anna and I totally spaced last week and didn’t do the recap. Oops. But it looks like we missed a lot. Third, I went to Soul Cycle last night and a.) Allison Williams was in my class! and b.) OMG I am in so much pain this morning.

This is what Sue was doing everyone.  Sue, you crazy!

I think that about covers it. Oh! Anna and I went for a sexy oyster dinner last night and now my jeans don’t fit right. Oops.

Sue, don’t even get me started I had such sexy dreams last night!  Oysters make you horny!  Right?!?!

Oh, the pyramid is happening. Kelly has a nice new chestnut brown color in her confessional. Maybe it’s just the lighting? It brings out her eyes.

Abby says Asia from her Ultimate Dance Competition is going to be showing. Ohhkay. Whatever. I’ve been so mucusy lately. I was deathly sick last week and I couldn’t shake it. I swear. I was in bed for three days. Which is so unlike me. But, anyway, I feel better now I just am like a snot volcano fountain over here.

So what did I miss last week? Melissa got married and the choreographer wore some weird 80s thigh-high stuffs?

The theme for this is reincarnation and stuff. Yo, what’s your feelings about Long Island Medium? I LOVE her. I think she is so real and spot on. But all of our friends were saying at dinner last night that she was a sham.

Anna here, Sue and I love Theresa Caputo!  My friend is going to be on an episode next season!!  Wooooooo!

 

Cathy and her gimmicky Candy Apple’s are in this episode, PJ (praise Jesus.) Her guest choreographer is John Culbertson. A very tan man who is friends with Abby… Why all the guest choreographers?

Remember when we first met Cathy?  I wonder if she’s still obsessed with purses.

Abby tells Melissa she’s thinking of getting Broadway Baby stuffed. That’s the weirdest shit I ever heard. When I was in high school I used to party at this girl Amanda Paul’s house, and they had a stuffed albino squirrel on top of the TV (before TVs were flat). It was the grossest thing ever.

Cathy Candy Aps is choreographing something about the Depression. The moms call Asia’s Mom Skinny Kristi. How rude!

The moms try to intimidate her about the contract and tell her that if she leaves before a year she’ll owe Abby $100K and she goes, “Thank god I have $100,000.” WERK!

Abby asks Kristi if they are being nice to her. Oh, go cry into your taxidermied dog, Abby. Stop trying to start shit.

Kristi is in Mufasa’s seat on the buss. OOOOh lawwwwwd watch out. These girls got their assigned seats! YOU GUYS! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AT SOUL CYCLE? I asked the guy on the bike next to my friend if he would switch with me so I could sit next to her and he was like, “But this is my bike.” Super mean. NO IT AIN’T! It doesn’t have your name on it! He finally did but he was SO RUDE!!!

We get it Sue, you work out with celebrities!!!!  Meanwhile I’m over here eating a sausage egg and cheese sandwich.  Guys, I tried to do this paleo diet and it just isn’t working for me!  Girl’s gotta eat cheese and bread!

Abby goes to the taxidermy farm and homeboy’s got zebras and lizards and shit. You guys watch that episode of the Kardashians where Scott kills a gator? Yuck. That scene where they skin the gator has been haunting me for the last week.

The moms try to stir some shit and speculate whether Asia will replace Kenz. Please. Just. Please.

I love all these hallway shots of Abby approaching. They’re so dramatic and amazing. Abby gives John a huge hug to intimidate Cathy Candy Aps.

Asia’s solo is great and I love the music. But. What’s with the weird bunny/dog costume? It totally doesn’t match.

The Candy App’s duet is very Dance Moms Miami. Remember those crazies? Also, where did Cathy get this random girl from?

The trio is great and I love their sassy orange outfits.

Cathy Candy Apps group number is actually interesting. Even my boyfriend said, “I feel like this is really good, right? That choreographer guy looks like something from Twin Peaks.”

Abby’s group number is good… but like, medium.

Asia wins first place, the trio wins second, Cathy’s boys win a perfect score first place and my boyfriend says, “Told you that was good.”

Then, of course, we cut to the dressing room and do a Cathy/Abby fight. Abby needs to take it easy on her voice!

 

This episode gets 4 out of 5 candy apples, because we love Cathy and Abby in the same room together!

Posted at 12:25pm and tagged with: Dance mom, dance moms, lifetime, abby lee miller, abby lee, cathy, CADC, aldc, Dance competition, dance, dance recital, Mackenzie Ziegler, maddie ziegler, chloe luksiak, nia, pennsylvania, ohio,.

September 13th 2012

SEASON FINALE RECAP!

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So we open up in LA, where Sue is :( I miss you SUZY!

Melissa almost loses her shit when Abby says 90210 bc she wants everyone to know what Abby’s going to say before she says it—must have heard about it in some pillow talk.  We know you two hook up.  Just be open about it already!

Now for the pyramid.  Paige is still on the bottom bc she broke her goddamn foot, then Nia, then Chloe?!  Crazy.  Simba is higher than Chloe.  This is weird … I’m sure Mufasa is going to lick an antelope’s bones clean in celebration later.



Then Brooke, then Mac.  WTF Mac is higher than Brooke?  Clearly the Ziegler sisters are on top because well let’s face it, Maddie is the shit.  But Mac in second place?  Melissa has been working it in the bedroom with Abby!  I wonder what they do?!

The group number is called “my last text” oh great, another Abby preachy number.

Abby tells the girls that they’re not friends, they’re competitors.  This is terrible.  I don’t want to know what these girls are going to turn out to be like.

Ok, she’s counting on Maddie’s acting chops to win the group number … I see it.

The moms are bitching about their daughters blah blah blah.  I just ate so many habenero almonds for breakfast wtf is wrong with me.  Christi’s face when Chloe is talking about texting and driving is ridiculous.  Christi is the master of the stank eye.

Kelly freaks when Abby doesn’t give Paige a dancing spot—I think it was brilliant bc PAIGE BROKE HER FOOT.  Just let her rest!

Why the hell is Christi giving Chloe dance advice?  She’s such a bitch!  I’d like to see you try to do some of those moves ya big bitch!

I’m sure Holly is taking Nia out for ice cream and being super supportive right now.  I love Nia and Holly.  Also, Holly looks wonderful in turquoise.

Mac is doing another stupid flippy dance to a jive song.  BUT WAIT.  It’s the same music from Vivi’s asbergers bee routine.  I’m sure that’s going to cause some dramz.

Cathy is coming to freak everyone out.  Why are they even nervous?  Cathy and her candy apple’s suck!  

Brooke is doing the Anne Frank routine.  Abby is full of DRAMZ.

Maddie is doing a lyrical routine about telling herself she’s back in the game.  Ugh.  More DRAMZ.



Wow.  Abby just told Kelly she needs to take Paige to the doctor and check if she’s retarded or something?!  What the hell.  Abby took it way too far.  Did she not realize that all the girls were in the room?  Did she not understand how Paige would feel?  Abby.  That was terrible.  I better hear an apology before this episode ends.  Sure Kelly is super dramatic, but Abby WTF?!

Oh great, now Kelly thinks that she’s going to make Paige into a model.  This photographer looks like a weirdo.  What kind of photoshoot is this for?  This is some weird kiddie porn stuff.  She’s making super suggestive faces and she’s like 11.  Also, that hair and fake eyelashes?  Weird.



Mufasa is growling at Kendall ala Christi and Chloe.  I’m so happy we haven’t seen Holly bitching at Nia yet.  

Kelly is back.  Ok, cool.

Abby asks the moms who gets the solo.  And puts Melissa on the spot to make a tie breaker.  And she chooses Nia!  Woooooooo!  Mufasa of course wants to chew her head off.  Poor Kendall is sitting there crying.  This is super sad.  Chloe ends up getting the solo.  Obviously.  Why is this episode so sad?!  Can some great stuff happen please!!!  I can’t bear to see these girls get tortured any longer!!!!

Oh no.  Is Chloe going to Chlo it again at Nationals?  I’m sure Mufasa would love that.  Why do they keep talking about Justice?  Is he seriously a threat?

The Candy Apple’s are HERE.  Finally!  And what do you know?  They’re at the same studio as Abby Lee AND she has another guest choreographer.  Woof.  Cathy has a hot dance mom!  That red head in the hot pink shirt is super hot!



Woah.  Cathy just comes in and disrupts their rehearsal.  What is her problem?  Also, what the hell is with Justice and Vivi falling in love in every dance?  Gross.  Ok turns out hot mom is Justice’s mom.  And she wants in on Abby Lee’s studio.  Oh crap!  

“There should be blood on that dance floor tomorrow, blood on that stage, red beef jerky blood.”

BEST QUOTE OF THE ENTIRE SEASON.

Woah I can’t get over how hot Justice’s mom is!  He better come to Abby Lee next season!  He needs to rid himself of Vivi.

We’re at Nationals!

Maddie’s solo is stunning.  It’s perfect.  It really is.
Justice is covered in blood for his solo?  Eh.  It was weird and stupid.

Brooke’s Anne Frank number kicks ass.  Woah.  I’m so proud of her!  And Kelly!

Mac’s doing the anti-vivi dance and she’s freaking out.  Abby is such a bitch for using this cutie as a pawn in her nasty game.  But she rocks it.  Because she’s a Ziegler.

Chloe rocks the solo too!  Abby Lee kicks ass!

Ugh the candy apple’s girls look like Cinderella sluts.  Ummm what the hell is that group dance?  I don’t understand anything that happened with it.

Holy crap.  That last text number gave me chills.  It was amazing.



MAC GETS SO MANY AWARDS!  YAY!  National title.

BROOKE DOES TOO!  National title.

MADDIE AND CHLOE DO TOO!  National titles.



Seriously, these girls are the shit.

And who wins the group dance?  Obviously.  Abby Lee.


This episode gets 5 out of 5 apples.  Amazing.


Posted at 11:15am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, drama, dance, moms, mackenzie ziegler, maddie ziegler, abby lee miller, candy apples, justice, mufasa, lion, apples, los angeles, beverly hills, model, acting, dancing, anne frank, bumble bee,.

August 29th 2012

Season 2, Episode 24 Recap. WOAH NEW MOMMA!

2 notes |#

Ok gang.  Sue just moved to LA for a month and I’m LOSING IT!  I’ve been sitting here eating almond butter by the scoop, I’m pretty sure I’m capable of eating a whole jar.  But then I’ll be constipated for a week!!!!

Anyways, this recap might be a little depressed because I miss my Suzy.  But let’s get started!

The girls are goin’ goin’ back back to Cali Cali!!



Smart move Abby, putting the chick with the boot on the bottom of the pyramid.  Durrrrrr.

We all know Kelly is going to take it personally that her daughters are on the bottom.  Puh-lease.

Now Nia’s back in the middle.  But with only Chlo and Maddie above her I think that’s still pretty good?

Woah, guys.  I just started this paleo diet where you only eat food that cavemen ate, like meat, veggies, nuts, and fruit.  And let’s just say that I’ve eaten so much protein that I could sit on a child and severely injure them.

These chicks are doing push ups!!  Hard core!

Also, why is Paige dancing?  This chick is never going to get better if she keeps dancing on a broken foot.

WE <3 Paige.



OOOOOH THE KIDS ARE IN AN INSANE ASYLUM TODAY!

I’m pumped for this.  They’re all dancing like meth addicts which reminds me of Breaking Bad.  Jeez, sometimes I wish this was Breaking Bad.  But then I see So and So’s adorable face and realize why I’m watching!

Woah.  They brought in a new chick!  Kaya and her daughter Nicaya.  

Holy crap.  This new mom comes in and starts bashing the Abby Lee Dance Co.  She mentions that the girls don’t have enough “diva-tude”—yeah, it’s because they’re boring and white.  

KAYA IS A CRAZY BITCH AND I CANNOT WAIT.  She also loves it when Abby yells at her.


I have no idea what is going to happen but I’m excited for it.  I wish Sue was here!  She’s staying at a place in LA that doesn’t have cable.

“She’s gonna learn how to spell these stupidass dance terms.”  Jeez I love this woman.

Finally they mention Brooke’s song!  It’s so good.  Also, if Paige was her hype girl I would love it.

Woah.  Kendall is super racist.  She just said that instead of “Nini” which is Nicaya’s nickname, she’s going to call her Laquifa.  Wow.  SIMBA IS A BITCH.

Kaya says that she’s a lesbian.  Ok, she’s pretty amazing.  But it’s also very sad that she has to raise four children on her own :(  No wonder she’s f-ing crazy.  

I think about it all the time!  About how my mom is crazy because we never had a nanny growing up.  The fact that she raised three kids by herself made her crazy because we were nightmares.  I love ya mom, but yer cray cray!

So verdict is Paige can dance, but she can’t do tricks.  I really hope that this doesn’t severely mangle her foot forever.

So Abby makes Kaya come to LA even though Nini isn’t going to dance.  This was clearly a producer decision because we all know Kaya is ready to blow at any moment.

KAYA PICKED UP A GAY VIBE FROM MELISSA!  This is what we’ve been saying all along, thank you Kaya!

Mufasa is f-ing crazy.  Get her off the show please.  And that high voice?  Yuck.

Seeing Abby dance for Nia finally makes it click.  No wonder she’s such a freak about all the girls knowing their terms!  It’s because she can’t show them how to do it!

Nia’s solo looks like it’s going to be awesome though.

So and So is getting old.  Her one lines aren’t as good as they used to be.

Why the hell is Abby pitting Paige and Nini against each other?  Poor Paige is in pain and I feel so bad for her :( Also, I feel bad for Nini because she’s getting played!

“I want Nini to take out Brokeback Brooke and Pegleg Paige …” This woman writes comedic gold.

When Abby loses her voice it makes me anxious and uncomfortable.  Stop screaming!  Also, drink some tea or some water or something.  

Chloe’s Solo

Eh.  It’s a little boring.  Her costume is cool I guess?  Her turns were cool?  But what is with this song?

Nia’s Solo
I love Holly’s face whenever Nia dances.  Also, Nia is adorable.  Her attitude is my favorite!  Also, that afro in the confessional was badass!  I love Nia.  TEAM NIA!

Mac’s Solo

What is with the continued close up of that one judge with the glasses?  Also, MAC!  Those crazy flip things that you did were awesome!  But I’m kind of agreeing with Kaya.  These girls don’t have much personality.

Abby is being a beyotch about this group number.  I can’t believe she had both girls get into costumes and then dance it out against each other pretty much.  This is so sad.

It’s nice that Abby gave both of them a chance to be in this batshit crazy dance …



Awards

Mac got third place!  Yay.  But I want to see her do something besides acro.

Nia got tenth place?!  WTF.  NIA WAS ROBBED.

Chlo got fifth?  

I know why solos didn’t place high.  It’s because Abby was so focused on the group routine, but it paid off because it got first place!

Kaya’s f-ing crazy.  I actually hate it.  I also love Holly, way to stand up for yourself!

This episode gets 2 out of 5 apples.  Because even though Kaya is a cool addition, the episode was a little boring …


Posted at 11:38am and tagged with: mom, dance mom, kaya, maddie ziegler, mackenzie ziegler, chloe, nia, holly, kendall, jill, abby lee, abby lee miller, lifetime, dance moms, dance, competition, jazz, contemporary, candy apples,.