Dance Moms Drama

Good morning everyone! Anna and I have something big to announce!

We wrote a new comedy show about our love of reality television called Dumb & Famous. It debuts at 6:30pm on Valentine’s Day at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theatre. If you’re in NYC, check it out!!!

We would love nothing more if the beautiful ladies who read this blog could make it to our show—we even have a sketch about Abby and Cathy!!!!

ANYWAY,
Chloe is at the bottom of the pyramid because she forgot her solo. So are Nia and Mackenzie. Abby is rocking some Dynasty hair today. Like she used some Dep gel on that shit.

She puts Maddie and Kendall in the middle, not before comparing them to Sophia, who’s at the top of the pyramid. Brooke ain’t in the pyramid but her ombre looks beautiful!

You guys, my cat isn’t eating her wet food. She’s just sitting by the heater like a weirdo. Should I be scared? It’s cold outside. Maybe she just cold. Speaking of which, I was gonna try to go to a boot camp class in an hour but it’s TEN DEGREES OUT.

Their solo is about immigrants. I dunno, isn’t that racist because everyone’s an immigrant? Unless you’re a Native American. Man I wish I was a Native American. I have this friend who is, and she wanted to take a photography class so she called up her tribe and was like, “Hey can I have some money?” And they were like, “NP, homie.” WHERE DO I GET A TRIBE?

What was I talking about? My lips are so chapped. They’re gross.

Speaking about boats, can we talk about Les Mis? OMG! Anne Hathaway. WHAT. AN. ACTOR!!! I LOVE On My Own. AND, sadly, I related so much to that slave song. I wait tables for a living, soooo…. OMG Sue you KNOW I could go on and on about Les Mis. It was pure therapy for me, bc I was clearly going through some shit when I saw it. I could not stop crying and IT FELT GREAT.

Melissa is fake as shit. Mufasa asks her if Maddie is sad that she doesn’t have a solo and she gets this high-pitched voice and says she’s happy to have a duet.

OMG there’s a shot of Abby’s house and it is NOT that spectacular!!! She makes the moms come over to clean out her garage and look for some props and they find a dead rat. I’m gagging.

So and So! So cute! Lemonade. I love when she sings that song. Abby gets Melissa to admit she ain’t happy Maddies is doing a duet with Kendall, info that she uses against her because she is a dumb snake.

You guys read this book? So sad! I was reading it on the subway last night and I got off the train but I had to sit there, in the station, in the cold, to finish it. Then I cried the whole walk home. Then I told my boyfriend I loved him.

OMG Sue stop. At least you HAVE a boyfriend to tell you love him too, all I have is a smelly roommate. Sorry if you’re reading this right now, but you smelly.

Anyway, they’re going to North Carolina on a bus. Ugh, that’s probably the longest bus ride. Then they get the cheering section again when they enter. TEN DEGREES!!!!! STFU!!!

Mackenzie’s solo is adorable but then a little sexy for a minute. That’s weird. That makes me feel like a creep for watching. She rocks it and her head pieces doesn’t fall out. Paige’s costume is amazing. Right up my alley because purple is my favorite color. Except, last year I bought this purple North Face and I kind of regret getting that color because it doesn’t match with ANYTHING. I mean, the logic was, “Everyone in NYC has a boring black coat. I want something different.” But now I look like Grimace.

NO! Sue, that coat is adorbs!

Then Abby tells Melissa her ex-husband said she was two faced. That’s some below the belt shit. Then Mufasa freaks out and gets Kendall all stressed. Their duet is great though. Love those PK turns!

So and So gets first place!!! And Paige gets third! The duet gets first and Abby says it’s because they were looking at Maddie and not Kendall. That makes me sad on the inside. These girls deal with so much criticism from Abby.

OH MY GOD! Before the group number, they’re warming up with Crazy Eights! That is the number one improv warm-up ever. The group number is… eh… I don’t get it. For some reason it gets first place. Anna, can you weigh in here? Yes I can. First of all, there is no way they get first place at EVERY competition. Do you think Abby has it in their contract that they can only air episodes where they get first place? Or maybe Lifetime pays off the judges? Let us know what you think girls!

This episode get three apples.

Posted at 10:09am and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, candy apples, ziegler, melissa, maddie, mufasa, dance, dance competition, lifetime, pittsburgh, grimace, candy, apple,.

August 15th 2012

Dance Moms Recap Season 2, Ep 22 WEEK OF NIA!

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Hey guys! It’s me, Sue, here. First off: some news. Anna and I met up with our friend the hotel spy who was working while Abby and the Dance Moms stayed there. She said that Abby paid $200 for someone to come to her hotel room at the last minute for a blowdry on a Monday night. Two hundo? That shit cray! Ain’t she ever heard of Jean Louis David? Also, she said that the girls all wear extensions.

Abby puts Brooke on the bottom for being injured last week. That ain’t fair. NIA IS AT THE TOP!!!! We’ve been waiting two seasons for this!

Anna here, I’ve been having a shitty week and the fact that Nia is finally on top of the pyramid means that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK! YGG! Also, I’ve decided to take this moment to dedicate our post to Nia pics and gifs. WE LOVE YOU!

Wait. In Chrisit’s confessional—does she have a tooth missing? There’s a huge black gap in her mouth, has she had this all this time? What a piece of white trash!! She prob banged it out with a wine glass.

The group number sounds weird. Some stuff about fitting in. Abby should have a talk show: “Deep Thoughts With Abby Lee Miller.” More like deep vagina. I bet it’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway in there. Ew, I’m grossing myself out. Didn’t someone once say Abby was a virgin anyway?

OMG THE DANCE IS CALLED TAKEN! I was almost taken when I went to Spain. I kept tweeting at Liam Neeson though to let him know I was ok.

Also, Melissa has got to be pregnant. Or she has a giant belly tumor. That’s actually a thing though, this girl I know had a tumor in her stomach, everyone just thought she was weirdly fat, then she got it removed and was super sexy. Weird, right??

The moms are bitching about the group dance and start yelling so loud that the girls start hearing them from their treehouse in the sky. Has anyone seen the Timothy Green movie yet? Anna and I went to see The Queen of Versailles this weekend. It was good but kinda sad and I was kinda not impressed by the story arch. Just depressed the whole time.

Anyway, Christi calls Melissa out for having an affair with her married boss (DRAMA!) and Melissa says, “Fuck you,” calls her a bitch, and leaves. YGG! Shit is getting real this season. I feel terrible for her children :(

ALSO, Holly has Michelle Obama arms. WE LIKEY!

Melissa and her girls don’t show up the next day and Abby starts crying big ol tears. We cut to Candy Apple’s, where Cathy has brought back Mitchell & Michael, The M&M choreographers who did that racist Asian shit last time. Why the hell does Cathy hire choreographers to choreograph her own studio? Why does she have her own dance studio again? I’m confused.

I really need to brush my teeth. It’s like they’re wearing tiny wool sweaters.

Sue, that made me laugh so hard. But eww, gross. I floss every day sometimes twice a day I get really weird about my teeth. I blame it on my ex-boyfriend.

Candy Ap’s boys are doing a duet. Weird. They are pretending Jill’s face is on the table? I don’t understand …

Nia is something called the “Dance Captain” this week so she has to call Maddie and beg her to get her ass to rehearsal so Abby can feel complete. Nia is so smart, she is the only sane person on this show I think. When she said “I’m not her mom.” Girl is genius.

You guys been watching “Beverly Hills Nannies”? It’s really good. I’m going to LA next month and I’m scared everyone there is going to be like that. SUE DON’T GO! What am I going to do for a whole month? I miss you already :(

When Abby hears the Aps will be at the competition, she makes Maddie do a solo, even though she said she wasn’t initially. It’s so weird that Abby is actually scared of them. I wonder what size her boobs are? I watched “Strange Sex” on TLC today and the woman had the biggest breasts in the world and they were size 102 ZZZ! And she was so happy and accepting of her body. I wish I could be more body accepting like that.

I know me too Sue! Guys, we are both trying to start working out more. Yesterday I took an insane spin class that left me paralyzed for the rest of the night. For real, I am so sore. I need to start going to the gym more often, how’s insanity treatin ya Sue?

Melissa refuses to let Maddie do the solo since it’s the night before the competition and she hasn’t had time to practice.

Abby suspects Justice’s duet partner, DRAZEN, is a wringer and not really a Candy Ap. DRAZEN? Ugh, go to hell. Did you watch Louie this week? One of the kids was named NEVER. And then he took a shit in the bathtub. It was brilliant.

Chloe’s solo is dark and goth and gorgeous. I love it. It’s probably my favorite of all her solos. Justice needs to get a haircut, that’s for sure. He looks like a Lost Boy. It’s a cute dance though. Honestly, are we in Titantic? So dramatic. Also, that dance blew, not artistic at all. It looked like the dance people go when they make fun of musical theater kids in high school.

Yo, wtf is with the bonnets in the group number? That’s some 19 Kids and Counting shit. It’s a gorgeous dance though… Eh, Sue I thought it was weird.

Cathy stops the Candy App’s group number before they begin it because she’s ridic. What do you think about maxi dresses? I’ve always thought I was too short for them but maybe I should try one. Sue, you know I love a good maxi. But I have so much junk in the trunk that sometimes the guy on the corner (Floppy’s friend) screams profanities … Anyway, the Candy Aps have a fine group number. The costumes are snoozefingers. I love when they cut to reaction shots of Abby breathing through her mouth. Homegirl totally sleeps with one of those sleep apnea machines. Right??

OMG. Chloe loses to Justice by a tenth of a point. IS THERE NO HUMANITY IN THIS WORLD? The Candy App’s group number gets third and Abby gets first, even though they look like Sister Wives with those bonnets.

Abby is so weird and competitive in the green room. What the hell is her problem? It’s creepy. She just walked in and started being terrible to everyone. Wow, I’ve never been so embarrassed for another human being like this.

The DRAZEN/JUSTICE duet is some Newsies weirdness, are they dancing to dubstep?? WTF. The Kendall/So and So duet is adorable. The girls beat them. GIRL POWER! It’s all bc Justice was too busy smirking. Also, Mackenzie’s face at the end of the dance is PRICELESS!

Abby says, “Two out of three. I didn’t get my clean sweep. We can blame Chloe for that.” What a cunt. That is honestly so emotionally abusive. Chloe is going to be severely damaged for the rest of her life— so sad!

Melissa and Cathy Candy Apps start a remarkable fight in the green room. So great.

This episode gets three out of five candy apples. More Holly and Nia please though!!

Posted at 9:23am and tagged with: DANCE MOMS, LIFETIME, abby lee, abby lee miller, maddie, dance, chloe, nia, mackenzie, brooke, paige, hyland, melissa, holly, kelly,.

August 8th 2012

Dance Moms Recap Season 2, Episode 21

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I’m back from Spain!! Hello everybody! I’m fatter and tanner than ever! I missed Sue and I can’t wait to give her the nutella I brought her tomorrow… I housed an entire jar in two days. I’m starting a juice cleanse tomorrow. Nobody thinks I can do it …

Hi! Sue here. Okay, Anna didn’t get fat at all! ALSO: I totally think she can do a juice cleanse because she’s a SBW!

I wonder if she missed these bitches while she was in Thpain?

Answer: YES! But mostly Nia and Mac.

Woah. Paige and Kelly are at the doctor’s and Abby’s freaking that they’re missing the pyramid. Also, I love how Christi has become the “Jim” of Dance Moms. The camera just loves zooming in on her rolling her eyes whenever Abby speaks. Comedic relief.

Who the hell just said “yes!” when Abby announced they were going to Philly? A cream cheese lover, clearly. Philly is about as exciting as rice cakes, sheesh.

Bottom of the pyramid—Paige. Sad. She can’t help her ankle injury! She was just trying to do tricks!

Mac and Chlo are also on the bottom? What is going on in the world? NOT FAIR. DON’T MAKE ME GET CHRISSY CROCKER ON YOU.

Nia should be on top this week. She WERKED.

Boring Maddie is on top, obvs.

Mac (So and So, I’ve decided to call her Mac this week) has her own solo, I love it! She’s kinda outgrown the So and So moniker, anyway, because she’s way more memorable than she used to be.

Brooke gets a solo about Anne Frank (who she doesn’t know about bc homegirl don’t go to school!) and I straight up LAUGHED OUT LOUD. OUT LOUD. Abby hates Brooke so bad.

This is Anne Frank: LEARN.

Chlo and Paige finally get the duet they’ve been begging for … the week Paige breaks her ankle. Why you gotta be such a B Abby???

Abby has the girls do more ballet for ONCE in her life and I don’t know if you can hear it but it sounds like they’re going to be dancing to that cute “Alouette” song from the target commercials! I love it so much! When I hear it I pretend I’m Amelie and bounce around like I’m wearing yellow rain boots. My friend just named her daughter Amelie. Adorbs.

Poor Paige she looks so sad in that boot! I can’t believe that Abby is making her stay and do her homework, what is this gym class? Remember when the teachers used to make you sit and watch if you had an injury? I always made up injuries so I could sit out. I’ve never broken a bone, and I always fantasized about having a cast. But then once this kid in my class had one and it got real smelly. OMG, ANNA! Me too! I ALWAYS wished I had a cast for everyone to sign. But when they started making them with the tape instead of the plaster, they were harder to sign and it wasn’t as chic.

Anyway, Abby reacts to the news that Paige can’t dance for 4-6 weeks like she’s just heard the Titanic has no food. Bleak.

Hahahaha Christi makes a joke about Abby being fat. I love it whenever that happens because it’s just SO TABOO.

Mufasa and Simba are using Paige’s injury as a way to get into the group. That’s messed up! Even Simba is on board with Mufasa’s plan!! She’s not a lion, she’s a goddamn hyena, about to eat anyone in her path without discernment. Hyenas are like goats. They’d eat a tin can if it was just laying around.

Also, is Christi wasted today? Also, I love their PA accents! “Oh my gawwwlddd!”

Wahh wahh another fight. Sorry I stopped paying attention for a bit to go on Facebook and look at Sue’s super cute instagrams. She’s cute.

This is us with our friend Andy.

Aw, thanks :) I stopped watching for a second to go on HelloGiggles.

Maddie has to leave to go be famous blah blah blah. Who even watches “Drop Dead Diva”?

Kelly asks everyone who Anne Frank is. Doesn’t anyone understand anything? The Diary of Anne Frank is one of the best books I’ve ever read. I’m not being sarcastic at all. Has anyone been to the museum in Amsterdam? It’s amazing. For real. Kelly, pick up a goddamned book and learn about World War II. You are an ADULT WOMAN, for shit’s sakes.

Also, Mac. You have such great candid moments in your confessionals, what is the BS about how “You know I love it” regarding her solo?? So fake. I hate it. I want another “I just want to stay at home and eat chips,” moment PLEASE.

Ugh more fighting with Mufasa. Sometimes these ladies just speak so high pitched that my head hurts and I just gotta eat a Skinny Cow.

Abby auditions people to be in Chloe’s duet. You know Mufasa is just sitting in the upstairs, licking her chops. I really wish I could enact physical violent on Mufasa. Sometimes I just want to punch people.

Dr. Holly’s pissed that Abby won’t put Nia in the duet. Dr. Holls tells Fabby (does that work?) that she looks foolish and belligerent. It’s pretty great.

Brooke needs to stop dancing and rest like her doctor said she should. Kelly briefly mentions that the doctor said Brooke should rest—why on Earth wouldn’t you take your daughter out to rest then? I blame Kelly just as much as I blame Abby. Poor Brooke needs her rest!! LET HER SING! Guys, how great is that song?? Summeeerrrr funnnnnn!!

Woah, Maddie’s is an actual actor! She is also Natalie Portman-ing it from Black Swan about always wanting to be perfect … bitch be CRAY.

I cannot believe Simba got to be in the duet with Chlo. Barf.

Abby was super cute asking Maddie about her acting. It made me happy. Also, Maddie looks f-ing exhausted. The girl has been working her ass off. I can’t believe she was running her Abby Lee dances when she was on set! Somebody get that girl a nap!! It’s not the one day of missing rehearsal that’s messing her up, it’s the lack of sleep!!

Maddie was practicing her solo while she was doing the Drop Dead Diva shoot. (I just typed dong, haha.) She’s a machine. Who does she think she is, me? Maybe I’m competitive with her? God I’m the worst.

First of all, those French costumes are adorbs! But what is with the techno version of “Alouette”? All the judges love it and are acting like it’s Brooke’s new song or something. IT’S NOT AS GOOD! When are they going to do a dance to Brooke’s song??

OOOOOHHHH ABBY SPEAKS FRANCH! Screw you Abbs.

First Place! What else is new. Yawn.

Did Abby seriously just tell Brooke to use her back pain for the dance? She needs to rest!! Kelly, be a good mother and let her rest!

Mac looks beyond adorbs. Maddie also looks like such a proud older sister watching her. It makes me miss my little sister :(

Mufasa is such a POS. The second Kelly has a moment of clarity and decides to pull Brooke out, Mufasa says that she wishes she did it earlier. And now Abby is giving them crap?? Why doesn’t anybody understand how important your back is?!?!?! People need their backs Abby!! Brooke’s costume is really pretty :) Love you!

Maddie’s solo was ok. But ever since that episode with Nia a couple weeks ago, front aerials terrify me!

WTF is with Chlo and Simba’s outfits? Weird fupa short action. Also, this song reminds me of something a lez would listen to at college in the 90’s. AKA Abbs.

Awards awards, everyone always gets first place—I’m so over it!

Hmmmm Brooke just skipped in after winning the awards … her back seems fine … I don’t know what to believe!

Woah. Shit just went crazy. These moms are crazy bitches. Poor Chlo just ran out crying. That just made me cry! For once I understand where Christi is coming from, even though I might not agree how she went about it …CHRISTI JUST CALLED ABBY A VIRGIN!!!! YES!

WOAH CATHY IS IN THE PREVIEWS FOR NEXT WEEK ALONG WITH JUSTICE!

Ok, this ep gets 3 out of 5 candy apples, besides the outburst at the end it was pretty boring …

Posted at 8:56am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, dance, moms, crazy, bitches, brooke hyland, paige hyland, zeigler, maddie, nia, abby lee, abby lee miller,.

July 18th 2012

Dance Moms Recap: Season 3, Ep. 7

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Hi guys! Sue here. It’s just me today because Anna is on vacation in Barthelona Thpain, where they all talk with an acthent. I mith her.

First off, some news. My amazing friend, Molly, saw Abby at a party for It Gets Better. That’s essentially an anti-bullying campaign, right? Abby is like, THE biggest bully ever so why would she even be invited? ALSO, Anna saw Abby in the audience of So You Think You Can Dance so she swears Abby is going to be a guest judge. ALSO, my cat just puked up a huge hairball. It’s like four inches long. I’d take a picture but you’d probably be grossed out. Speaking of GROSS: I’m starting a blog about scabs because they’re really cool! scabstories.tumblr.com

Let’s get to the dramz. Paige is on the bottom of the pyramid for the chroegrapy hyjinx she pulled last week. So and So is also on the bottom and she looks like she’s going to cry. Aww, little buddy. Brooke is off of probash. Finally. Nia is on the second row. THANK YOU! Can she please get some more airtime? Maddie is also in the middle but my girl Chloe is on top for da bird dance!

Abby tells them they are going to yet another competition called Starbound in Atlanta. I’m about to say something bitchy: Maddie looks different without makeup. That’s fucked up. Kids shouldn’t wear so much makeup that you notice a difference when they’re not there. I was never even allowed to wear a bikini until i was 10.

The girls are auditioning for Drop Dead Diva. Cool, brah. Heard of it but don’t watch. Abby includes Peyton and Leslie this week because she needs someone who looks like a teenager for the group number.

Drop Dead Diva

Oh shit! I forgot to clean up that hairball. I got my ass off the couch, stood around in the kitch, then sat my ass back down. BRB. My boyfriend’s cool because he always buys the nice paper towels.

The moms are pissed that Leslie the Monster is around, obvs. We see in the teaser that Candy Apple’s are ALSO auditioning for Drop Dead Diva! The plot thickens! These casting directors are really scraping the bottom of the barrel if they want the Candy Apps.

Ugh, people are doing construction in my building before I’ve had my coffee and I want to KILL THEM. You guys, someone just called me from an unknown number and I didn’t answer it because I was scared and they didn’t leave a message and now I’m filled with so much WONDER and REGRET.

This episode is a little boring so far. Can you tell? I wonder what Anna’s doing in Barthelona. Tear.

Candy Apps have a new dance studio, I think? I can’t tell but that’s what I’m guessing. Kendall and Jill left because Kendall wasn’t getting enough attensh. (It’s hot outside so I’m gonna abbreviate everything.) JILLL, don’t you know that you have to build relationships with people? You can’t just walk into a room and demand something like a wild boar. At least that’s what I tell myself on auditions. Wah. I’m crying softly.

Wild boar

The dancers at both studios record their auditions for Drop Dead Diva. The thing is, it’s exciting enough just to audition, ya know? You get all future-trippy like, “OMG what if I book this film with Olivia Wilde? That would be CRAZY! I wouldn’t have to wait tables anymore and my life would totally change.” And then you don’t get it because you’re up against bitches from Hollywood and you a have a little tummy fat and no one calls you and you just cry and cry. I mean, I’m guessing. Not liked that’s happend to me.

OMG Vivi is so funny in her audition. She can barely even read, ahah. I hate to make fun of her but I can’t not.

The moms go out for a boozy ass lunch where they talk about Leslie. Chloe is going to miss the rehearsal for her school field trip. GOOD! Kid needs to be a kid. Abby calls her mom a sneak and liar. These bitches are just the worst. Leslie swoops in there and gets Payton a solo. Abby looks MOVED while she’s choreographing Maddie’s solo. She thinks she IS Maddie. Can we get a screengrab of Abby’s gross mint green talons? Jesus, her nails must be two inches long.

The moms are pissed at Leslie and Chloe makes her triumphant return. Chloe has that solo DOWN. Yeah girl!

Kelly has a 41st birthday party at her house. She invites Leslie, for some reason. Leslie arrives and Kelly’s had a few to many Sauv Blancs and immediately picks a fight with her. Note: she’s drinking out of a goblet that says, “Whatever!” Must be nice.

But seriously, why would you invite someone to your house just to pick a fight with them on your birthday? That’s fucking dumb. Dumb. She brought her a gift and everything. She was trying to make peace with them!

Backstage, Chloe and Maddie are blowing each other kisses and it’s the most adorable thing ever!!!

Chloe’s solo is dark and gorgeous. The music is weird because it doesn’t know if it’s jazzy or Fiona Appley or what. Pick a genre. Chloe is confident and sassy! So proud!

Maddie’s solo is dramatic and emotional. I actually really like it. She gives great face in this one. She says, “It just makes me so happy when I watch Chloe.” AWWWW! Their rivalry is fake!

Nia, Pagie, and So and So do a trio that’s cute and has a lot of acro tricks. I think Nia lands a front aerial the wrong way? But no one says anything even though it looks painful. The girls all think Abby is going to yell them. And eat them.

Payton’s solo is saucy. Kind of cute I guess. Eh. Update: the coffee I made is so good! Abby and Leslie get into shit in the green room because Leslie is making excuses for Payton. Leslie starts crying and I actually feel bad for her. They are totally bullying her. IT DOESN’T GET BETTER! (Note: my amazing teacher, Rebecca Drysdale, made this incredible It Gets Better video. )

I can’t get a gauge on wether the group number is cool or not because the editing incorporates too many close-ups and I can’t see the choreography as a whole. SO ANNOYING.

Chloe gets fourth place, Maddie gets first (obvs), Payton got seventh place, the trio gets fifth place (not that bad!!!), and the group number wins top overall. Well, I wish I could have SEEN what all the fuss was about. Good job, camera guys.

NOW, let’s wrap up that Drop Dead Diva storyline. Ugh, next episode.

This one two out of five candy apples because it was boring and I miss Anna :(

2 apps

Posted at 11:11am and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, crazy bitches, comedy, ucb, maddie, sue smith, anna callegari,.

February 22nd 2012

28 notes |#

WOWZAS! Looks like Maddie got to be in her own music video after all … DRAMZ.

Thanks to Samantha L for the video!!!

Posted at 8:23am and tagged with: dance moms, maddie, cry,.

Season 3, Episode 4 Recap

Dance Moms Recap Season 2, Ep 22 WEEK OF NIA!

Dance Moms Recap Season 2, Episode 21

Dance Moms Recap: Season 3, Ep. 7