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Every week, Anna Callegari and Sue Smith discuss the Lifetime show, Dance Moms, which chronicles the lives of the finest crazy bitches America has to offer.

January 23rd 2013

Season 3, Episode 4 Recap

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Good morning everyone! Anna and I have something big to announce!

We wrote a new comedy show about our love of reality television called Dumb & Famous. It debuts at 6:30pm on Valentine’s Day at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theatre. If you’re in NYC, check it out!!! 

We would love nothing more if the beautiful ladies who read this blog could make it to our show—we even have a sketch about Abby and Cathy!!!!

ANYWAY,
Chloe is at the bottom of the pyramid because she forgot her solo. So are Nia and Mackenzie. Abby is rocking some Dynasty hair today. Like she used some Dep gel on that shit.

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She puts Maddie and Kendall in the middle, not before comparing them to Sophia, who’s at the top of the pyramid. Brooke ain’t in the pyramid but her ombre looks beautiful!

You guys, my cat isn’t eating her wet food. She’s just sitting by the heater like a weirdo. Should I be scared? It’s cold outside. Maybe she just cold. Speaking of which, I was gonna try to go to a boot camp class in an hour but it’s TEN DEGREES OUT.

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Their solo is about immigrants. I dunno, isn’t that racist because everyone’s an immigrant? Unless you’re a Native American. Man I wish I was a Native American. I have this friend who is, and she wanted to take a photography class so she called up her tribe and was like, “Hey can I have some money?” And they were like, “NP, homie.” WHERE DO I GET A TRIBE?

What was I talking about? My lips are so chapped. They’re gross.

Speaking about boats, can we talk about Les Mis? OMG! Anne Hathaway. WHAT. AN. ACTOR!!! I LOVE On My Own. AND, sadly, I related so much to that slave song. I wait tables for a living, soooo…. OMG Sue you KNOW I could go on and on about Les Mis. It was pure therapy for me, bc I was clearly going through some shit when I saw it. I could not stop crying and IT FELT GREAT.

Melissa is fake as shit. Mufasa asks her if Maddie is sad that she doesn’t have a solo and she gets this high-pitched voice and says she’s happy to have a duet.

OMG there’s a shot of Abby’s house and it is NOT that spectacular!!! She makes the moms come over to clean out her garage and look for some props and they find a dead rat. I’m gagging.

So and So! So cute!  Lemonade. I love when she sings that song. Abby gets Melissa to admit she ain’t happy Maddies is doing a duet with Kendall, info that she uses against her because she is a dumb snake.

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You guys read this book? So sad! I was reading it on the subway last night and I got off the train but I had to sit there, in the station, in the cold, to finish it. Then I cried the whole walk home. Then I told my boyfriend I loved him. 

OMG Sue stop.  At least you HAVE a boyfriend to tell you love him too, all I have is a smelly roommate.  Sorry if you’re reading this right now, but you smelly.

Anyway, they’re going to North Carolina on a bus. Ugh, that’s probably the longest bus ride. Then they get the cheering section again when they enter. TEN DEGREES!!!!! STFU!!!

Mackenzie’s solo is adorable but then a little sexy for a minute. That’s weird. That makes me feel like a creep for watching. She rocks it and her head pieces doesn’t fall out. Paige’s costume is amazing. Right up my alley because purple is my favorite color. Except, last year I bought this purple North Face and I kind of regret getting that color because it doesn’t match with ANYTHING. I mean, the logic was, “Everyone in NYC has a boring black coat. I want something different.” But now I look like Grimace.

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NO!  Sue, that coat is adorbs!

Then Abby tells Melissa her ex-husband said she was two faced. That’s some below the belt shit. Then Mufasa freaks out and gets Kendall all stressed. Their duet is great though. Love those PK turns!

So and So gets first place!!! And Paige gets third! The duet gets first and Abby says it’s because they were looking at Maddie and not Kendall. That makes me sad on the inside. These girls deal with so much criticism from Abby.

OH MY GOD! Before the group number, they’re warming up with Crazy Eights! That is the number one improv warm-up ever. The group number is… eh… I don’t get it. For some reason it gets first place. Anna, can you weigh in here? Yes I can.  First of all, there is no way they get first place at EVERY competition.  Do you think Abby has it in their contract that they can only air episodes where they get first place?  Or maybe Lifetime pays off the judges?  Let us know what you think girls!

This episode get three apples.

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Posted at 10:09am and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, candy apples, ziegler, melissa, maddie, mufasa, dance, dance competition, lifetime, pittsburgh, grimace, candy, apple,.

August 15th 2012

Dance Moms Recap Season 2, Ep 22 WEEK OF NIA!

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Hey guys! It’s me, Sue, here. First off: some news. Anna and I met up with our friend the hotel spy who was working while Abby and the Dance Moms stayed there. She said that Abby paid $200 for someone to come to her hotel room at the last minute for a blowdry on a Monday night. Two hundo? That shit cray! Ain’t she ever heard of Jean Louis David? Also, she said that the girls all wear extensions.  

Abby puts Brooke on the bottom for being injured last week. That ain’t fair. NIA IS AT THE TOP!!!! We’ve been waiting two seasons for this!



Anna here, I’ve been having a shitty week and the fact that Nia is finally on top of the pyramid means that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK!  YGG!  Also, I’ve decided to take this moment to dedicate our post to Nia pics and gifs.  WE LOVE YOU!



Wait.  In Chrisit’s confessional—does she have a tooth missing?  There’s a huge black gap in her mouth, has she had this all this time?  What a piece of white trash!!  She prob banged it out with a wine glass.

The group number sounds weird. Some stuff about fitting in. Abby should have a talk show: “Deep Thoughts With Abby Lee Miller.” More like deep vagina. I bet it’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway in there. Ew, I’m grossing myself out. Didn’t someone once say Abby was a virgin anyway?

OMG THE DANCE IS CALLED TAKEN!  I was almost taken when I went to Spain.  I kept tweeting at Liam Neeson though to let him know I was ok.

Also, Melissa has got to be pregnant.  Or she has a giant belly tumor.  That’s actually a thing though, this girl I know had a tumor in her stomach, everyone just thought she was weirdly fat, then she got it removed and was super sexy.  Weird, right??

The moms are bitching about the group dance and start yelling so loud that the girls start hearing them from their treehouse in the sky. Has anyone seen the Timothy Green movie yet? Anna and I went to see The Queen of Versailles this weekend. It was good but kinda sad and I was kinda not impressed by the story arch. Just depressed the whole time.



Anyway, Christi calls Melissa out for having an affair with her married boss (DRAMA!) and Melissa says, “Fuck you,” calls her a bitch, and leaves. YGG! Shit is getting real this season.  I feel terrible for her children :(

ALSO, Holly has Michelle Obama arms.  WE LIKEY!

Melissa and her girls don’t show up the next day and Abby starts crying big ol tears. We cut to Candy Apple’s, where Cathy has brought back Mitchell & Michael, The M&M choreographers who did that racist Asian shit last time.  Why the hell does Cathy hire choreographers to choreograph her own studio?  Why does she have her own dance studio again?  I’m confused.

I really need to brush my teeth. It’s like they’re wearing tiny wool sweaters.

Sue, that made me laugh so hard.  But eww, gross.  I floss every day sometimes twice a day I get really weird about my teeth.  I blame it on my ex-boyfriend.

Candy Ap’s boys are doing a duet. Weird.  They are pretending Jill’s face is on the table?  I don’t understand …

Nia is something called the “Dance Captain” this week so she has to call Maddie and beg her to get her ass to rehearsal so Abby can feel complete.  Nia is so smart, she is the only sane person on this show I think.  When she said “I’m not her mom.”  Girl is genius.



You guys been watching “Beverly Hills Nannies”? It’s really good. I’m going to LA next month and I’m scared everyone there is going to be like that.  SUE DON’T GO!  What am I going to do for a whole month?  I miss you already :(

When Abby hears the Aps will be at the competition, she makes Maddie do a solo, even though she said she wasn’t initially. It’s so weird that Abby is actually scared of them. I wonder what size her boobs are? I watched “Strange Sex” on TLC today and the woman had the biggest breasts in the world and they were size 102 ZZZ! And she was so happy and accepting of her body. I wish I could be more body accepting like that.  

I know me too Sue!  Guys, we are both trying to start working out more.  Yesterday I took an insane spin class that left me paralyzed for the rest of the night.  For real, I am so sore.  I need to start going to the gym more often, how’s insanity treatin ya Sue?

Melissa refuses to let Maddie do the solo since it’s the night before the competition and she hasn’t had time to practice.

Abby suspects Justice’s duet partner, DRAZEN, is a wringer and not really a Candy Ap. DRAZEN? Ugh, go to hell. Did you watch Louie this week? One of the kids was named NEVER. And then he took a shit in the bathtub. It was brilliant.

Chloe’s solo is dark and goth and gorgeous. I love it. It’s probably my favorite of all her solos. Justice needs to get a haircut, that’s for sure. He looks like a Lost Boy. It’s a cute dance though. Honestly, are we in Titantic? So dramatic.  Also, that dance blew, not artistic at all.  It looked like the dance people go when they make fun of musical theater kids in high school.

Yo, wtf is with the bonnets in the group number? That’s some 19 Kids and Counting shit. It’s a gorgeous dance though… Eh, Sue I thought it was weird.

Cathy stops the Candy App’s group number before they begin it because she’s ridic. What do you think about maxi dresses? I’ve always thought I was too short for them but maybe I should try one.  Sue, you know I love a good maxi.  But I have so much junk in the trunk that sometimes the guy on the corner (Floppy’s friend) screams profanities … Anyway, the Candy Aps have a fine group number. The costumes are snoozefingers. I love when they cut to reaction shots of Abby breathing through her mouth.  Homegirl totally sleeps with one of those sleep apnea machines.  Right??

OMG. Chloe loses to Justice by a tenth of a point. IS THERE NO HUMANITY IN THIS WORLD? The Candy App’s group number gets third and Abby gets first, even though they look like Sister Wives with those bonnets.

Abby is so weird and competitive in the green room. What the hell is her problem? It’s creepy.  She just walked in and started being terrible to everyone.  Wow, I’ve never been so embarrassed for another human being like this.

The DRAZEN/JUSTICE duet is some Newsies weirdness, are they dancing to dubstep??  WTF.  The Kendall/So and So duet is adorable. The girls beat them.  GIRL POWER!  It’s all bc Justice was too busy smirking.  Also, Mackenzie’s face at the end of the dance is PRICELESS!

Abby says, “Two out of three. I didn’t get my clean sweep. We can blame Chloe for that.” What a cunt. That is honestly so emotionally abusive.  Chloe is going to be severely damaged for the rest of her life— so sad!

Melissa and Cathy Candy Apps start a remarkable fight in the green room. So great.

This episode gets three out of five candy apples.  More Holly and Nia please though!!

Posted at 9:23am and tagged with: DANCE MOMS, LIFETIME, abby lee, abby lee miller, maddie, dance, chloe, nia, mackenzie, brooke, paige, hyland, melissa, holly, kelly,.