Hi guys! We missed you! Ugh, how boring was Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition?! So glad the DRAMA is back!
First of all, we want you to know that we’re writing a show about our love of reality TV. We’re so excited and can’t wait to tell you more once it’s finished. Hint: Sue is playing Honey Boo Boo and Anna is playing Cathy Candy Apple’s.
Okay, Sue here. I watched the reunion special for a hot minute. (Sidenote: my boyfriend and I have been in a Homeland k-hole and now I’m so paranoid. EVERYONE IS A SPY. Does anyone else watch that show? Angela Chase is so intense!) I’m pretty sure that Abby’s a lezzie from the way she answers the first question. (I don’t mean it in a negative way. I just want to bring “lezzie” back from the 90s because it’s funny.) Also, Abby’s feet are on a box! HAHAHA she must be so little! AND I think she’s wearing Fitflops. People think you won’t notice if you wear those things, but we notice. We always do. Does Abby look like she lost weight to anyone else? Mazel.
Anna here! For a second I thought that Abby was sitting on a body pillow and then I realized it was just her back. Also, Abby has a boyfriend?! We need to see more of him. SO much more! Also, WHO in the world did they get to ask these questions? I could have really used the make up artist that spackled make up onto these dance moms’ faces yesterday. When I woke up after NYE I looked in the mirror and screamed! Then I ordered a crab cake sandwich and I’ve literally had food in my mouth ever since. My New Year’s diet doesn’t start till February!!!!!!
All the moms are so Hollywood now with their extensions. Hair done, nails done, everything did. Nia does a death drop. Awesome! Why is Cathy Candy Apple’s still on this show? She tells those “broads” to shut up and FINALLY someone calls her out on her grandma lingo. Also, she’s wearing those Roman sleeves. Dance Moms love a good Roman Sleeve.
I cannot watch anymore of this reunion.
LET’S GET TO THE PREMIERE!
Abby’s not doing a pyramid because Kelly doesn’t show up. GOOD, KELLY! YGG! Abby’s pissed because the kids just wanted to go be kids over the summer and catch crayfish and stuff. Crayfish are gross. I can’t believe people in Louisiana eat those things. Also, when I went to New Orleans in high school, we took a swamp tour and the guide called rats “swamp bunnies.” Gross.
Side note: I saw Django Unchained (loved it) the other day at Union Square theater and RATS RAN PAST MY FEET. Seriously, there were a troop of about 6 rats just running—and Sue, they didn’t look nothing like bunnies. Also Sue, I think crayfish are delicious. With enough cajun seasoning, I’ll eat anything.
Chloe looks like she’s getting taller. Man I wish I was tall. It’s so easy to look fat when you’re short. Chloe is like a beautiful tiny giraffe girl.
There’s all this drama about Kelly not showing up. (Ugh, I’ve MISSED the DM music man! He feels like home.) Abby decides to hold fake auditions (you know Lifetime casted these people) and homegirls come from all over the country. (What happened to that girl with the shit-starter mom last season? You know which one we mean.) All these moms start fighting in the viewing room. TACKY!
Brooke does have a slight ombre situation going on and a body wave. Looks good, girl! I’m a big fan of the ombre. (Guys, Sue just got the more beautiful ombre.) Kelly’s debating whether or not to leave the studio and the girls aren’t sure. I hope they come back because they’re awesome!
Kendall gets the first solo of the season. Borrrrrrring. Did you guys all remember to pay your rent today? Or are you too young for that? Do you have any New Year’s resolutions? I’m just going to try to be more assertive and be present in every moment. I future trip a lot. Right now is a total gift and who knows what will happen next week? Sue thanks for reminding me to pay my rent. I pray to god the check clears.
I hate to say it but Kendall is kind of a baby. She goes crying to Jill when Abby yells at her. NONE of the other girls would do that. Okay, in this episode Abby looks like she’s wearing a goddamn tent. People could camp inside of her for a weekend. Not me, though. I don’t like the outdoors. Too unpredictable.
The new moms arrive and Abby chooses this girl named Allie who’s 13. Jesus, she’s practically a college student!
OLD WOMAN! (super cute though)
OMG shot of Vivi and Cathy Candy Apple’s eating sundaes. I love Vivi so much. She deserves a spin-off. Apparently Cathy’s whole team left after they lost at nationals. Now she’s going to have a casting too, obvs, and wants an all-boy team. CATHY AND HER SCHEMES!
Allie’s mom, Shelly, looks so innocent. Just you wait, Shelly. Just wait until they crush your soul and shit on your dreams. That was dark. Melissa and Dr. Holly get so mad that Allie gets Chloe’s part. You know what, people? THIS IS SHOW BUSINESS. Sometimes people are gonna get more lines than you and better parts than you. THAT’S THE NATURE OF THE BEAST. If you get pissed off about all the times you think someone’s wronged you, you’re going to be a miserable person with a lot of resentments. And if you have resentments you’ll get wrinkles. You just will.
UNLESS you had shitty, oily skin as a child. The oily your skin was when you’re a kid, the nicer it looks when you’re an adult. Seriously. If you have acne right now, you’re gonna be a stunna when you’re 50 and your idiot friends with perfect skin look 75.
Allie is from New Orleans. This is never going to work. Didn’t you see Sleepless in Seattle? Sue, I think we need to talk about romantic comedies starring Meg Ryan. EVERYTHING ALWAYS WORKS OUT IN THE END!
So and So gets a solo! Yay! I love her so much. Also, in the last scene Abby had huge blue talons and in this one her nails are red, SOOOO reality tv is fake maybe a little. I just got nauseous. Sue, I just had a mini melt down where I ran around my apartment, and then I discovered we had bacon and I calmed down just a little.
Holly tells Abby she ain’t god and Abby’s shocked. Funny, because I pray to a fat little dude that looks just like her.
Abby and Shelly go to a bakery to get cupcakes. Abby better lay off the cup n’ cakes before she gets the ‘beetus and has to cut off her fingies. She’s halfway there already. THE JOKES, THEY WRITE THEMSELVES!!!!
They get to Denver and Abby won’t tell Dr. Holly whether or not they’re going to perform the group number. She just loves to mess with these moms. She loves it. Sidenote: I CAN’T WAIT FOR HONEY BOO BOO TO COME BACK. SHE IS A TREASURE.
The Dance Moms are hyenaing Shelly to death. I feel bad for her! Also, Jill cut it out with the leopard prints Mufasa!!
Maddie! She’s grown up so much! Her solo is beautiful. These girls always wear blue costumes. My psychic friend told me you should always wear blue because it attracts wealth. So… like mother like daughter. Maddie is already looking for a “wealthy benefactor.”
Speaking of wealthy benefactor’s have any of you guys seen Revenge? I’m obsessed with this show. I’ve seriously watched two seasons in the past week, HELP!!
Christi gives Chole a pep talk in the hallway and we cut to a shot of Abby breathing through her mouth, checking her texts on her blinged-out phone. I love this show.
Chloe’s solo is gorgeous and she DOES look she’s dancing from her heart. She’s really in the moment. YGG! We could all learn something from her. Of course, she gets an ass-reaming from Abby for messing up the choreography. Christi calls Abby dead inside and she is SPOT ON.
Abby’s high school friend, Mark, shows up. Randomly. In Denver. The moms say Kelly stole him from Abby back in the day but he seems a little like, hmm… Like he goes to Broadway shows and gets manicures in Chelsea.
Mark is gay!
Apparently Abby HAS lost some weight. I wonder where she works out. Probably on an ab roller in her living room. SUE. Don’t underestimate an ab roller. My parents have one and I cry everytime I try to use it. It’s hard! mmmmm. bacon.
Kendall’s solo is… fine. The group number is good. It looks weird with Allie, the one tall girl, and the other young ones. Actually, it’s really inspiring. Demons are cooler anyway, Christi.
The girls all pray that So and So doesn’t forget her solo. It’s nice of them, but group praying is weird. So and So’s solo is cute! But her bow fell off and and she goes offstage and starts crying. Aww, I feel so bad for these girls. She wins first place!!!
My cat is eating tape. She’s so dumb sometimes.
For a season premiere this was delicious. We could have used more clips of Vivi eating things though, so we’re going to give this episode 3 out of 5 candy apples.
WELCOME BACK GUYS!! WE LOVE YOU!