Dance Moms Drama

Good morning everyone! Anna and I have something big to announce!

We wrote a new comedy show about our love of reality television called Dumb & Famous. It debuts at 6:30pm on Valentine’s Day at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theatre. If you’re in NYC, check it out!!!

We would love nothing more if the beautiful ladies who read this blog could make it to our show—we even have a sketch about Abby and Cathy!!!!

ANYWAY,
Chloe is at the bottom of the pyramid because she forgot her solo. So are Nia and Mackenzie. Abby is rocking some Dynasty hair today. Like she used some Dep gel on that shit.

She puts Maddie and Kendall in the middle, not before comparing them to Sophia, who’s at the top of the pyramid. Brooke ain’t in the pyramid but her ombre looks beautiful!

You guys, my cat isn’t eating her wet food. She’s just sitting by the heater like a weirdo. Should I be scared? It’s cold outside. Maybe she just cold. Speaking of which, I was gonna try to go to a boot camp class in an hour but it’s TEN DEGREES OUT.

Their solo is about immigrants. I dunno, isn’t that racist because everyone’s an immigrant? Unless you’re a Native American. Man I wish I was a Native American. I have this friend who is, and she wanted to take a photography class so she called up her tribe and was like, “Hey can I have some money?” And they were like, “NP, homie.” WHERE DO I GET A TRIBE?

What was I talking about? My lips are so chapped. They’re gross.

Speaking about boats, can we talk about Les Mis? OMG! Anne Hathaway. WHAT. AN. ACTOR!!! I LOVE On My Own. AND, sadly, I related so much to that slave song. I wait tables for a living, soooo…. OMG Sue you KNOW I could go on and on about Les Mis. It was pure therapy for me, bc I was clearly going through some shit when I saw it. I could not stop crying and IT FELT GREAT.

Melissa is fake as shit. Mufasa asks her if Maddie is sad that she doesn’t have a solo and she gets this high-pitched voice and says she’s happy to have a duet.

OMG there’s a shot of Abby’s house and it is NOT that spectacular!!! She makes the moms come over to clean out her garage and look for some props and they find a dead rat. I’m gagging.

So and So! So cute! Lemonade. I love when she sings that song. Abby gets Melissa to admit she ain’t happy Maddies is doing a duet with Kendall, info that she uses against her because she is a dumb snake.

You guys read this book? So sad! I was reading it on the subway last night and I got off the train but I had to sit there, in the station, in the cold, to finish it. Then I cried the whole walk home. Then I told my boyfriend I loved him.

OMG Sue stop. At least you HAVE a boyfriend to tell you love him too, all I have is a smelly roommate. Sorry if you’re reading this right now, but you smelly.

Anyway, they’re going to North Carolina on a bus. Ugh, that’s probably the longest bus ride. Then they get the cheering section again when they enter. TEN DEGREES!!!!! STFU!!!

Mackenzie’s solo is adorable but then a little sexy for a minute. That’s weird. That makes me feel like a creep for watching. She rocks it and her head pieces doesn’t fall out. Paige’s costume is amazing. Right up my alley because purple is my favorite color. Except, last year I bought this purple North Face and I kind of regret getting that color because it doesn’t match with ANYTHING. I mean, the logic was, “Everyone in NYC has a boring black coat. I want something different.” But now I look like Grimace.

NO! Sue, that coat is adorbs!

Then Abby tells Melissa her ex-husband said she was two faced. That’s some below the belt shit. Then Mufasa freaks out and gets Kendall all stressed. Their duet is great though. Love those PK turns!

So and So gets first place!!! And Paige gets third! The duet gets first and Abby says it’s because they were looking at Maddie and not Kendall. That makes me sad on the inside. These girls deal with so much criticism from Abby.

OH MY GOD! Before the group number, they’re warming up with Crazy Eights! That is the number one improv warm-up ever. The group number is… eh… I don’t get it. For some reason it gets first place. Anna, can you weigh in here? Yes I can. First of all, there is no way they get first place at EVERY competition. Do you think Abby has it in their contract that they can only air episodes where they get first place? Or maybe Lifetime pays off the judges? Let us know what you think girls!

This episode get three apples.

Posted at 10:09am and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, candy apples, ziegler, melissa, maddie, mufasa, dance, dance competition, lifetime, pittsburgh, grimace, candy, apple,.

September 13th 2012

SEASON FINALE RECAP!

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So we open up in LA, where Sue is :( I miss you SUZY!

Melissa almost loses her shit when Abby says 90210 bc she wants everyone to know what Abby’s going to say before she says it—must have heard about it in some pillow talk. We know you two hook up. Just be open about it already!

Now for the pyramid. Paige is still on the bottom bc she broke her goddamn foot, then Nia, then Chloe?! Crazy. Simba is higher than Chloe. This is weird … I’m sure Mufasa is going to lick an antelope’s bones clean in celebration later.

Then Brooke, then Mac. WTF Mac is higher than Brooke? Clearly the Ziegler sisters are on top because well let’s face it, Maddie is the shit. But Mac in second place? Melissa has been working it in the bedroom with Abby! I wonder what they do?!

The group number is called “my last text” oh great, another Abby preachy number.

Abby tells the girls that they’re not friends, they’re competitors. This is terrible. I don’t want to know what these girls are going to turn out to be like.

Ok, she’s counting on Maddie’s acting chops to win the group number … I see it.

The moms are bitching about their daughters blah blah blah. I just ate so many habenero almonds for breakfast wtf is wrong with me. Christi’s face when Chloe is talking about texting and driving is ridiculous. Christi is the master of the stank eye.

Kelly freaks when Abby doesn’t give Paige a dancing spot—I think it was brilliant bc PAIGE BROKE HER FOOT. Just let her rest!

Why the hell is Christi giving Chloe dance advice? She’s such a bitch! I’d like to see you try to do some of those moves ya big bitch!

I’m sure Holly is taking Nia out for ice cream and being super supportive right now. I love Nia and Holly. Also, Holly looks wonderful in turquoise.

Mac is doing another stupid flippy dance to a jive song. BUT WAIT. It’s the same music from Vivi’s asbergers bee routine. I’m sure that’s going to cause some dramz.

Cathy is coming to freak everyone out. Why are they even nervous? Cathy and her candy apple’s suck!

Brooke is doing the Anne Frank routine. Abby is full of DRAMZ.

Maddie is doing a lyrical routine about telling herself she’s back in the game. Ugh. More DRAMZ.

Wow. Abby just told Kelly she needs to take Paige to the doctor and check if she’s retarded or something?! What the hell. Abby took it way too far. Did she not realize that all the girls were in the room? Did she not understand how Paige would feel? Abby. That was terrible. I better hear an apology before this episode ends. Sure Kelly is super dramatic, but Abby WTF?!

Oh great, now Kelly thinks that she’s going to make Paige into a model. This photographer looks like a weirdo. What kind of photoshoot is this for? This is some weird kiddie porn stuff. She’s making super suggestive faces and she’s like 11. Also, that hair and fake eyelashes? Weird.

Mufasa is growling at Kendall ala Christi and Chloe. I’m so happy we haven’t seen Holly bitching at Nia yet.

Kelly is back. Ok, cool.

Abby asks the moms who gets the solo. And puts Melissa on the spot to make a tie breaker. And she chooses Nia! Woooooooo! Mufasa of course wants to chew her head off. Poor Kendall is sitting there crying. This is super sad. Chloe ends up getting the solo. Obviously. Why is this episode so sad?! Can some great stuff happen please!!! I can’t bear to see these girls get tortured any longer!!!!

Oh no. Is Chloe going to Chlo it again at Nationals? I’m sure Mufasa would love that. Why do they keep talking about Justice? Is he seriously a threat?

The Candy Apple’s are HERE. Finally! And what do you know? They’re at the same studio as Abby Lee AND she has another guest choreographer. Woof. Cathy has a hot dance mom! That red head in the hot pink shirt is super hot!

Woah. Cathy just comes in and disrupts their rehearsal. What is her problem? Also, what the hell is with Justice and Vivi falling in love in every dance? Gross. Ok turns out hot mom is Justice’s mom. And she wants in on Abby Lee’s studio. Oh crap!

“There should be blood on that dance floor tomorrow, blood on that stage, red beef jerky blood.”

BEST QUOTE OF THE ENTIRE SEASON.

Woah I can’t get over how hot Justice’s mom is! He better come to Abby Lee next season! He needs to rid himself of Vivi.

We’re at Nationals!

Maddie’s solo is stunning. It’s perfect. It really is.
Justice is covered in blood for his solo? Eh. It was weird and stupid.

Brooke’s Anne Frank number kicks ass. Woah. I’m so proud of her! And Kelly!

Mac’s doing the anti-vivi dance and she’s freaking out. Abby is such a bitch for using this cutie as a pawn in her nasty game. But she rocks it. Because she’s a Ziegler.

Chloe rocks the solo too! Abby Lee kicks ass!

Ugh the candy apple’s girls look like Cinderella sluts. Ummm what the hell is that group dance? I don’t understand anything that happened with it.

Holy crap. That last text number gave me chills. It was amazing.

MAC GETS SO MANY AWARDS! YAY! National title.

BROOKE DOES TOO! National title.

MADDIE AND CHLOE DO TOO! National titles.

Seriously, these girls are the shit.

And who wins the group dance? Obviously. Abby Lee.

This episode gets 5 out of 5 apples. Amazing.

Posted at 11:15am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, drama, dance, moms, mackenzie ziegler, maddie ziegler, abby lee miller, candy apples, justice, mufasa, lion, apples, los angeles, beverly hills, model, acting, dancing, anne frank, bumble bee,.

July 25th 2012

Dance Moms, Season 2, Episode 20

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After lots of research we realized that no one is calling this Season 3 yet. It’s still season 2 or 2B (according to the wiki.) So we changed the title of our post. We’re not going to go back and change the old ones because we’re just not that OCD.

Anna is still in Barthelona but we have some BIG NEWS. This hilarious video we made together, guest starring 30 Rock’s Grizz Chapman, came out this week. Isn’t Anna funny????

OMG Mufasa and Kendall are back and Mufasa has a sultry new haircut. Abby tells her she’s off her rocker and the girls crack up. She’s rocking of the shoulderless shirts like all the other moms. I guess your shoulders get hot when you’re a mom. She demands Kendall be put in the pyramid. This must be totally staged because it’s so dramatic.

The trio is on the bottom of the pyramid. Brooke is in the middle and Maddie is on top. Paige, Maddie, and Nia get solos. Nia’s is another number by Laquifa. THANK GOD. So and So thinks boys are icky AND IT’S THE MOST ADORABLE THING. That’s right, girl. Boys stink. My boyfriend and I are fighting right now because he wants to subscribe to The New York Times on weekends and I told him it’s a waste of money and trees. We get New York Magazine. What more do you need? That shit is going to sit around our apartment for days and make it messy. The Sunday Times is like five inches thick. (That’s what she said.)

Up in the Dance Moms Palace, the other moms make fun of Jill’s haircut, saying she looks like Cathy Candy Apple’s. Eh, people all look the same sometimes, ya know?

Mufasa barges in during Paige’s private lesson. She really is a piece of work. Abby’s about to go OFF. That’s one thing I love about this bitch. She gets PISSED. I can relate to that. Sometimes I just get so mad I want to burst but I hold it in and unleash it on Time Warner employees when my bill is wrong. Not the healthiest behavior, but it works. Then the moms make fun of Mufasa’s sultry voice. What, a girl can’t talk like Delilah without causing a stir?

The Drop Dead Diva casting director calls and the tone of her voice sounds like she didn’t cast any of the girls. I know that tone real well. Then we go to commercial break. I miss Anna real bad. I feel like my other half is gone. But, then again, I do get to channel some of her beach vibes. Did you guys see the preview for the movie with the kid with leaves on his legs? The Odd Life of Timothy Green? That shit looks mad adorable. Back from commercial break and Maddie gets casted, of course. Abby is way too happy about this and she gives Maddie a huge hug. I wonder what it’s like to be enveloped by her embrace. It’s kind of like a dragon hugging a mouse.

Guys, I forgot to tell you this major news. I’m going to start Insanity next week. That workout program that’s really intense? I don’t know if I can do it, but my homegirl Sebria is giving me the discs so I gotta at least try. I’m nervous!!!

All of the moms think the casting is a conspiracy for some reason. There’s no way to “make sure” someone gets a role. You get the role if you’re right for it. At least that’s what I tell myself instead of cutting, am I right?!?!!

Abby tells Nia to stop messing with her hair because she has too much of it. THAT’S RACIST. You’re not supposed to comment on a black person’s hair at all, ever. Is it racist for me to say that? Is it racist to talk about?

Jill pushes Kendall into the rehearsal right in the middle of the group number. What a weirdo. But honestly, I wish I had someone that obsessed with MY career. When you’re a kid, you really got it made.

Abby decides to start cutting people from the group number. HEARTS ARE BROKEN. I wonder if the boyf is still mad at me. He’s listening to classical music loudly. So that means yes.

Abby calls the moms in to discuss the Drop Dead Diva sitch. She says something that’s actually insightful: “Not being happy for someone else’s success is the worst role model you can be.” It’s hard because jealousy gets in the way sometimes, but if you truly believe there are enough parts, money and success for everyone, then you can be happy for others. It’s just difficult because sometimes you feel like certain people get all the roles. But they might not forever. They’ll get old and then it will be your turn. (I’m giving myself therapy right now.)

Christi does make a good point— Abby didn’t give a fuck when Chloe had all of her professional successes. Dr. Holly tells Abby off and it’s just GLORIOUS. This woman is great. Abby gets on her shit about Nia’s hair and Dr. Holly snaps back. It’s AMAZING. I just love when anyone calls Abby out about being a fat ass.

We are for sure going to have some great gifs from Maddie’s solo rehearsal! Abby has Maddie bring in her crowns and show them to all the girls. Jesus, this is a little much, Abby. I bet you ANY MONEY that she puts on Maddie’s crowns at night and cries herself to sleep singing “Wish Upon a Star.”

Melissa gets all fake sad and starts crying. I don’t know about Melissa. BUT I can’t wait to see the new Laquifa dance. That’s for DAMN SURE.

Abby decides to not tell the girls who’s in the group dance until right before the number. Mean! Kendall is a ball of nerves before the show. Lame.

Nia’s solo is fabulous! She thought she forgot it in the rehearsal room but onstage she ROCKS IT! Death drop! I’m tearing up!!!

Maddie’s solo is pretty and nice. I feel like we’ve seen it and this costume a million times before.

Paige’s solo is great. She has a lot of tricks. Super proud of her.

Nia gets ninth place. She was robbed! Paige gets sixth and Maddie wins. Ugh.

There’s some fucking BOW DRAMA in the dressing room because Jill thinks if she puts a bow in Kendall’s hair she’ll be in the dance. Not sure with the bd is but it’s emosh. Everyone starts doing some standing back tucks in the dressing room. Dummies. Paige hurts her foot. Kendall is not in the dance and Mufasa FLIPS her shit.

The group number is pretty. It’s supposed to be about some vampire bullshit. But I just don’t see it. Half the time when Abby says what the group dance is about, I don’t ever see that theme in the dance. Maybe I’m dumb. They win first place!!! Awww, I’m tearing up again. I must be PMSing.

Jill shushes Abby in the dressing room and they get into another screaming match. Oh, it’s so glorious. So, so glorious. Jill leaves again and Kelly laughs sinisterly.

This episode gets four out of five candy apples because the Jill drama is priceless and all of the dances are gorgeous!

Posted at 12:43pm and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, comedy, dance, mufasa, anna, sue, brokelandia, grizz chapman, 30 rock,.

January 17th 2012

Season 2, Episode 2 Liveblogging!

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Lunch with the Drunks

Ummm Iced Tea? There better be vodka in there. Christi brings out a book from back in the day because she thinks she can dig up some dirt on Mufasa… yeah, she used to be the king of the pridelands. What else is there to know?!?

Brooke vs. A Crapple

Well, this crapple has TWO titles. Brooke only has one. How dare you diss Brooke? She is a badass contortionist. Give me a break Cath!

Dance for your puppy

Now she has to bribe Vivi with a puppy? Cathy cuts her with her ring (not the first time). ”I hope I can still dance.” Unless you dance on your fingers, I’m pretty sure you can Vivi!! I know you don’t want to though. I’m so sorry Cathy is your mom. Someone help this poor girl!

Jelly Kelly

Yep, Abby called you out. There was definitely vodka in that iced tea.

Can we please just cut to the Candy Apples reunion?!?! I’m sick of staying in Pittsburgh.

Posted at 9:23pm and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, candy apples, mufasa,.

Season 3, Episode 4 Recap

SEASON FINALE RECAP!

Dance Moms, Season 2, Episode 20

Season 2, Episode 2 Liveblogging!