Dance Moms Drama

Hey guys! Sue here! Long time no see. I have so much to tell you guys. First, when I hear Vanessa Hudgens’ name, in my head I think, “Vanessa Hug and Kiss.” Am I the only one? Second, Anna and I totally spaced last week and didn’t do the recap. Oops. But it looks like we missed a lot. Third, I went to Soul Cycle last night and a.) Allison Williams was in my class! and b.) OMG I am in so much pain this morning.

This is what Sue was doing everyone. Sue, you crazy!

I think that about covers it. Oh! Anna and I went for a sexy oyster dinner last night and now my jeans don’t fit right. Oops.

Sue, don’t even get me started I had such sexy dreams last night! Oysters make you horny! Right?!?!

Oh, the pyramid is happening. Kelly has a nice new chestnut brown color in her confessional. Maybe it’s just the lighting? It brings out her eyes.

Abby says Asia from her Ultimate Dance Competition is going to be showing. Ohhkay. Whatever. I’ve been so mucusy lately. I was deathly sick last week and I couldn’t shake it. I swear. I was in bed for three days. Which is so unlike me. But, anyway, I feel better now I just am like a snot volcano fountain over here.

So what did I miss last week? Melissa got married and the choreographer wore some weird 80s thigh-high stuffs?

The theme for this is reincarnation and stuff. Yo, what’s your feelings about Long Island Medium? I LOVE her. I think she is so real and spot on. But all of our friends were saying at dinner last night that she was a sham.

Anna here, Sue and I love Theresa Caputo! My friend is going to be on an episode next season!! Wooooooo!

Cathy and her gimmicky Candy Apple’s are in this episode, PJ (praise Jesus.) Her guest choreographer is John Culbertson. A very tan man who is friends with Abby… Why all the guest choreographers?

Remember when we first met Cathy? I wonder if she’s still obsessed with purses.

Abby tells Melissa she’s thinking of getting Broadway Baby stuffed. That’s the weirdest shit I ever heard. When I was in high school I used to party at this girl Amanda Paul’s house, and they had a stuffed albino squirrel on top of the TV (before TVs were flat). It was the grossest thing ever.

Cathy Candy Aps is choreographing something about the Depression. The moms call Asia’s Mom Skinny Kristi. How rude!

The moms try to intimidate her about the contract and tell her that if she leaves before a year she’ll owe Abby $100K and she goes, “Thank god I have $100,000.” WERK!

Abby asks Kristi if they are being nice to her. Oh, go cry into your taxidermied dog, Abby. Stop trying to start shit.

Kristi is in Mufasa’s seat on the buss. OOOOh lawwwwwd watch out. These girls got their assigned seats! YOU GUYS! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AT SOUL CYCLE? I asked the guy on the bike next to my friend if he would switch with me so I could sit next to her and he was like, “But this is my bike.” Super mean. NO IT AIN’T! It doesn’t have your name on it! He finally did but he was SO RUDE!!!

We get it Sue, you work out with celebrities!!!! Meanwhile I’m over here eating a sausage egg and cheese sandwich. Guys, I tried to do this paleo diet and it just isn’t working for me! Girl’s gotta eat cheese and bread!

Abby goes to the taxidermy farm and homeboy’s got zebras and lizards and shit. You guys watch that episode of the Kardashians where Scott kills a gator? Yuck. That scene where they skin the gator has been haunting me for the last week.

The moms try to stir some shit and speculate whether Asia will replace Kenz. Please. Just. Please.

I love all these hallway shots of Abby approaching. They’re so dramatic and amazing. Abby gives John a huge hug to intimidate Cathy Candy Aps.

Asia’s solo is great and I love the music. But. What’s with the weird bunny/dog costume? It totally doesn’t match.

The Candy App’s duet is very Dance Moms Miami. Remember those crazies? Also, where did Cathy get this random girl from?

The trio is great and I love their sassy orange outfits.

Cathy Candy Apps group number is actually interesting. Even my boyfriend said, “I feel like this is really good, right? That choreographer guy looks like something from Twin Peaks.”

Abby’s group number is good… but like, medium.

Asia wins first place, the trio wins second, Cathy’s boys win a perfect score first place and my boyfriend says, “Told you that was good.”

Then, of course, we cut to the dressing room and do a Cathy/Abby fight. Abby needs to take it easy on her voice!

This episode gets 4 out of 5 candy apples, because we love Cathy and Abby in the same room together!

Posted at 12:25pm and tagged with: Dance mom, dance moms, lifetime, abby lee miller, abby lee, cathy, CADC, aldc, Dance competition, dance, dance recital, Mackenzie Ziegler, maddie ziegler, chloe luksiak, nia, pennsylvania, ohio,.

March 20th 2013

Season 3, Episode 12 Recap CATHY’S BACK!

4 notes |#

Hey guys! Sue here. Do you believe what I just did? I roasted some brocooli and made myself some quinoa like a motherfucking monster. That’s what happens when you quit your dayjob out of nowhere with no life plan.

Guys, honestly, Anna did the recap last week so I didn’t watch the episode. I’m sorry! I think I was serving couscous to some finance guy or something. So, what I’m asking is, why was So and So in a wheelchair? Doesn’t matter. She’s at the bottom of the pyramid. Maddie is third and Kendall is second. Wow. I guess Mufasa’s bribes are finally working. Nia is at the top! Finally! I love her.

Listen, I was in Pittsburgh this weekend and I opened my stepdad’s fridge and I found some hot eggs. Pennsylvania is a weird ass place. (This should take u to a pic of hot eggs from my insta http://instagram.com/p/W4gyDqzGIk/)

The group number this week is about Rosa Parks and Abby is hemming and and hawing about giving her the role. Abby? NIA IS YOUR ONLY BLACK GIRL. You ain’t got no choice. Then she gets on Holly’s ass about her outfit? Bitch, you better go on because you out of yo damn mind.

Abby tells the girls that they ain’t working hard enough because they’re too concerned about their Instagram likes. THAT’S TRUE! I like your pics erryday! Also, I get so obsessed with my precious likes. OBSESSED.

Yes! It’s a Candy Apple’s episode. We get a shot of Vivi right away. And Cathy is wearing some 90s-era burgundy lipstick, like I know Anna likes. Cathy look just like Anna when we filmed that video. Did you guys all watch that?

Oh god, they’re doing a Candy Apple’s/Gangam Style dance. I honestly can’t think of anything more cliche. This morning I saw a Pistachios commercial with Psy and dancing pistachios and I just wanted to barf.

Abby is taking Holly shopping? What? How is ABBY a fashion authority? Mufasa tags along because she’s a conniving biotch. Of course she tries to get white little Kendall to play Rosa Parks. She don’t stop.

Cut back to Candy Apple’s! Vivi! Please drop some gold, Vivi. Please, oh please! Cathy gives her a ballet class and she looks more uncomfortable than my little brother at a Buddhist meditation retreat.

Honestly, if only you guys could see the gchat Anna and I are having right now. Hint: it has to do with your butt.

Abby gives Kendall a weird facial expression tutorial. I dunno. I just picture Abby making those faces in the mirror alone every morning, don’t you.

Abby finally gives Nia the Rosa Parks role after admitting she was just doing a mini little mindfuck. I have chili all over my mouth and quinoa all over my hands. I’m such a hippie sometimes.

Yo, you guys ever watch Mackenzie’s makeup tutorials? They are just adorable. Part of me thinks she really lacks supervision.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWXHGhz7XkY

I gotta tell you about this epic nap I took at about 5pm today. I slept for like, 45 minutes. Then I woke up and I had no idea what time it was or where I was. One of those. Cats all over me. Perfect.

Why does Cathy Candy Apple’s have guest choreographers every week? She cain’t do that shit on her own? Abby never does. She fights with him and it’s pretty great because he tells her she’s a phony.

Oh! Also, my friend was dogsitting this chocolate lab today and I looked into her eyes and I swear I saw God.

Cathy gets a plaque from a City Councilman and Vivi dances like a monkey and I almost wet myself. GIF REQUEST PLS! She is even wearing a coat like that Ikea monkey. Anyway, this whole Councilman thing looks incredibly staged. And YES! Christi points out the grammatical apostrophe mistake. FINALLY, AN ALLY!!!!!

Cut to Cathy and Vivi at a place called Alterations by Shelly. Ugh, Candy Apples is SO low budge. I don’t know why she makes her try on all the boys costumes. Also, she asks Vivi if she knows what Wall Street is and then tell her it was a movie? Um, no. Idiot.

The girls’ costumes are too slutty. Sorry. I said it. Not age appropriate at all.

You guys watching Preacher’s Daughters? Worth it?

I do like this guest choreographer at the Candy Ap’s though. “You missed your cue? Why? It’s showtime.” He’s so right. When it’s showtime, nothing else matters.

Hello!! Anna here, taking over this last half of the recap because let’s face it—these 2 hour episodes are INTENSE! I have so many opinions and feelings about this episode right now, I can’t wait to write about it!! Also, if you haven’t seen it yet, this is Sue and I as Abby and Cathy, please enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIWGfZxxKLY

Sorry, I know I’m plugging our video again but I just can’t help it when Cathy’s here!!

JILL IS THE WORST PERSON EVER. MUFASA IS THE WORST!! CATHY IS THE WORST MOTHER EVER! Also, I hate Candy Apple’s but I love K-Pop more than anything! I’m sorry, I’ve just been holding it in the past hour, I’m so happy I can let it out.

Alright, back to the recap.

Ok, I cannot believe this scene with Cathy and Vivi. Why is she making Vivi try on these terrible costumes? I don’t understand why she’s dressing Vivi up like a terrorist?! The camo hat, the bandana over her face, and the horribly ugly “nice suit” reminds me of the terrorists from Zero Dark Thirty. Which was a terrifying movie btw.

Chloe and Paige look like ultimate prostitutes. But they also look fabulous. Those costumes are PERFECT for instagram!

Costumes tonight are literally amazing. All of these girls look like the black ladies in church from “The Help” with those little hats.

OMG Cathy has hired bodyguards. This is hilarious. When my little brother came into town I felt like I had a bodyguard. He’s 230lbs and 6 ft tall and he was always waking one step behind me bc he doesn’t know New York. It was a really nice feeling.

Poor So and So can’t handle doing all of these girls make up! But when it comes down to it, looks like all she’s doing is lipstick. Mufasa is such a BITCH.

Kendall’s Solo:

First off, great costume. Seriously this episode has the best costumes ever! I mean sure, she’s doing some of the faces Abby taught her but she still looks dead inside. Poor girl has had her soul sucked out by Mufasa! Ok. But that wink at the end was totally adorbs. I don’t know how to wink. Everytime I try people think I’m having a stroke.

Maddie’s Solo:

I love how LES MIS her costume is! She is a goddamn beautiful dancer. Seriously, tears get in my eyes when I see her dance. It’s truly beautiful. Just look at her face, it is 1000x more expressive than Kendall’s. I’m sorry Kendall, but you have a lot to learn from this beautiful dancer. Maddie I love you!!! Haha Cathy couldn’t even look up to watch the dance, what a BIATCH!

Jaylin? sp? Solo:

He looks like a mini stripper. His dad is a piece of work, shouting like he’s at a football game. I’m sure he wanted his kid to play football so badly. OMG he actually started stripping! Cathy calls it a “costume change” but when you take off a big part of your costume and throw it on the stage, well, that’s called stripping Cathy!

Wow, this is so sad, after the dance he’s beating himself up. Poor guy! You’re a great dancer, you’re just stuck with a horrible woman as your dance teacher! Switch to team Abby!!

Why does Kelly keep saying no to the duet? Just shut up and blow your nose Kelly!

The Duet:

Ok, Paige and Chloe are stunning. They could be twins for sure! The dance was good, but it is kind of crazy how much more advanced Chloe is than Paige. Don’t get me wrong, Paige is an amazing dancer! But Chloe makes it look so much easier. I miss Chloe’s solos.

OMG the shot of these bodyguards monitoring the Candy Apple’s pep talk cracked me up.

Gangam Group Dance:

This is a weird remix of Gangam Style. I personally would have enjoyed it way more if they actually did the Gangam Style dance, oh wait! There’s a little bit in there!! Ok, Jaylin is awesome. Those ridiculous glasses, he’s adorable! He’s like that group’s little So and So.

Rosa Parks Group Dance:

I cannot take this little hats! I hope none of them fall off! They need to beat those boys! This dance is beautiful, Nia is wonderful. Both at dancing and acting. I thought the whole dance was beautiful! But Brooke meandering aimlessly was a little awkward… I really hope they still get first place though!

Jaylin is such a cocky lil boy, thinking he’s going to win while he got 6th.

Kendall got 2nd and Maddie got 1st. Perfect!

Chloe and Paige got 1st place!!!!!!! Thank god! Now Kelly won’t kill herself!!

Also, this whole eat crow bit is too much for me.

Rosa Parks got first place! Wooohoooo!! Seriously, that dance was amazing. Here is a bootleg copy of it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2XdAxBrh2Q

OMG now the Dance Moms are plotting their revenge on the Candy Apple’s to gloat this is ridiculous.

Cathy tells them to suck in their guts haha I love how the one time she actually “needs them” the bodyguards are nowhere to be found.

This episode gets 5 out of 5 apples. Cathy + amazing costumes + amazing dancing! I’m sold!

Could have used more Vivi though …oh well!

Posted at 11:04am and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, dance, lifetime, Dance competition, maddie ziegler, chloe luksiak, nia, pennsylvania, pittsburgh, candy apple, candy apples, cathy, aldc, ohio, ViVi, paige hyland, brooke hyland,.

February 27th 2013

Dance Moms Recap Season 3, Episode 9 RIP BROADWAY BABY

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Hi everyone! Sue here. I’m so sleepy. I just had a coffee and I was high as a kite but now I’m crashing.

Anna here! I’m eating the most bizarre foods in my house for breakfast, stay tuned. I’m starting with candy egg whoppers.

Abby comes in right away and says Broadway Baby died. Aww, I’m sad for Flabby. Every day I look in my cat’s eyes and dread the day she’s going to die. I will just be so sad.

Anna here, I just started sobbing when Abby came in and said Broadway Baby died. I mean sure, I’m on a ton of sudafed and cough syrup but still—SO EMOTIONAL! I actually feel bad for Flabby!!!

Nia is almost at the top of the pyramid! YGG! Maddie is back on top. EVERYTHING IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. Except Chloe is still on suspension and Kenize ain’t in the group number. WAH.

Paige looks STUNNING! Right?? Maddie, Kenzie, and Nia look stunning as well—because they’re not wearing any make up! Girls, you’re in rehearsal don’t wear make up!!

OMG Black Patsy is coming back. I can’t wait. She is like Cathy Candy Apple’s TIMES A MILLION. She is what my dreams look like. Now that Broadway Baby is dead, maybe Abby will sell me her dog stroller so I can take my cats for a walk and I can never be without their love.

In Abby’s confessional where she is wearing the green shirt, she looks super drugged up. You takin dat Klonopin, girl?

Sixteen is pretty old for a dog. My cats are nine and five already.

The moms have the idea of switching the group number and dedicating it to Abby. That’s the dumbest shit I ever heard because Abby is gonna be mad pissed. Duhhhhhh.

This dog is actually a bit terrifying.

Christi and Kelly are still fighting about like, whatever. Oh no, then we see a shot of Abby going home, to her all-white house and crying in front of a picture of Broadway Baby with her mom. I love animals so much. Did you know that I was such a weird kid that I just didn’t “get” pets? My friend Rachel had this big boxer named Pochantas and she was so jumpy. I just hated that thing. We had a cat and I liked it fine but I never thought it whispered into my heart or anything. I dunno. It took me a long time to develop empathy because I have a learning disability that’s OTS.

OH! Guess what happened this week! Noodle and Brindle (my cats) fight all the time. They always have. Just like, swat at each other and stuff. But yesterday I found a little scar on Brin’s ear and it must be from Noodle! What a bitch! I put Neosporin on it, don’t worry.

Black Patsy. Can people call me White Ass Sue?

Yes. But only if you can call me Honky Anna.

Abby’s mom looks mad sick. Also, I thought she lived in Florida? Abby is so sad. Maybe she is a real human.

OMG this scene between Abby and her mom is so depressing. I’m eating ranch flavored wheat thins for breakfast with slices of ricotta salata cheese on them—A CRY FOR HELP?!

Who’s Nyala? We’ve never seen THIS choreographer before. I mean. Good.

But her name isn’t Patsy. It’s Kya. So I don’t get it. I mean, I guess I could be White Ass Margaret if I wanted to be.

Noodle is kneading my flabby belly like she DIDN’T give Brin a ear scab.

Kelly and Christi get into a shouting match. Pretty sure this is the first time we’ve seen this sort of in-fighting among the moms. (Oops, just typed “mongs.”)

Abby dramatically returns to the studio for the sake of Broadway Baby. Direct quote: “Nothing makes me happier than working with Maddie.” LOL!

She’s pissed about the surprise choreography, obvs. Did they honestly think that would be ok? Abby is so emotionally vulnerable right now!

I don’t know about you, but White Ass Margaret loves Black Patsy. I think it’s maybe racist to call someone “ghetto,” but she’s SO GHETTO!!! I think on the inside White Ass Margaret has always been a Black Patsy.

I think Nia looks adorable in her costume. Her dance is very traditionally jazzy, but she gives good face.

Madison is a stripper name these days. I always forget that’s Maddie’s full name… Yeah, Madison is someone who works at Hooters. Maddie is a sweet Southern Belle.

Maddie dedicates her solo to Broadway Baby and Abby breaks down. The rest of the moms go nuts. Jeez shut UP already. Also, her costume looks like the North Korean flag.

Oops, got distracted watching videos of myself read affirmations that were on my computer. I literally had no idea they were on there. Jesus Sue, be more of an ACTOR why don’t ya??

JK, I get distracted watching videos of Suzy too. She’s really funny and beautiful.

The kids are improvising the group number. SHIT IS WHACK. White Ass Margaret is JUST APPALLED. I think it actually looks good. It’s nice to do something refreshing and happy for once.

Black Patsy is trying to pick a fight with Dr. Holly and she’s so not into it. I really think Holly is the most emotionally stable person on this show.

Also, I like seeing Abby vulnerable like this. She’s not as mean. Black Patsy starts picking fights with everyone… Yo, how are we all just cool with calling this woman Black Patsy?

Christi is too scared to fight because she’s afraid Black Patsy’s gonna pull out her weave. You know she would’ve!!!!

Christi and Kelly make up. And Black Patsy gets kicked out of the competition. I mean, she just wanted attention anyway so whatever.

Nia gets a costume award! After Abby made fun of it! Yay!

Nia gets third place, Maddie gets first, and the group number gets first even though the moms choreographed it.

Yo, they do a Broadway Baby montage at the end and that’s kind of an ugly ass dog. She’s pretty fat.

I can’t wait to see Abby go speed dating on the next episode!

Aww, little Noodle has the hiccups. I love her!

This episode gets 4 out of 5 candy apples because BWAY BABY IS RIDICULOUS.

Posted at 11:14am and tagged with: dance moms, abby lee miller, black patsy, broadway baby, lifetime, dance, competition, maddie ziegler, chloe luksiak, nia, pittsburgh, crazy, candy apple,.

August 29th 2012

Season 2, Episode 24 Recap. WOAH NEW MOMMA!

2 notes |#

Ok gang. Sue just moved to LA for a month and I’m LOSING IT! I’ve been sitting here eating almond butter by the scoop, I’m pretty sure I’m capable of eating a whole jar. But then I’ll be constipated for a week!!!!

Anyways, this recap might be a little depressed because I miss my Suzy. But let’s get started!

The girls are goin’ goin’ back back to Cali Cali!!

Smart move Abby, putting the chick with the boot on the bottom of the pyramid. Durrrrrr.

We all know Kelly is going to take it personally that her daughters are on the bottom. Puh-lease.

Now Nia’s back in the middle. But with only Chlo and Maddie above her I think that’s still pretty good?

Woah, guys. I just started this paleo diet where you only eat food that cavemen ate, like meat, veggies, nuts, and fruit. And let’s just say that I’ve eaten so much protein that I could sit on a child and severely injure them.

These chicks are doing push ups!! Hard core!

Also, why is Paige dancing? This chick is never going to get better if she keeps dancing on a broken foot.

WE <3 Paige.

OOOOOH THE KIDS ARE IN AN INSANE ASYLUM TODAY!

I’m pumped for this. They’re all dancing like meth addicts which reminds me of Breaking Bad. Jeez, sometimes I wish this was Breaking Bad. But then I see So and So’s adorable face and realize why I’m watching!

Woah. They brought in a new chick! Kaya and her daughter Nicaya.

Holy crap. This new mom comes in and starts bashing the Abby Lee Dance Co. She mentions that the girls don’t have enough “diva-tude”—yeah, it’s because they’re boring and white.

KAYA IS A CRAZY BITCH AND I CANNOT WAIT. She also loves it when Abby yells at her.

I have no idea what is going to happen but I’m excited for it. I wish Sue was here! She’s staying at a place in LA that doesn’t have cable.

“She’s gonna learn how to spell these stupidass dance terms.” Jeez I love this woman.

Finally they mention Brooke’s song! It’s so good. Also, if Paige was her hype girl I would love it.

Woah. Kendall is super racist. She just said that instead of “Nini” which is Nicaya’s nickname, she’s going to call her Laquifa. Wow. SIMBA IS A BITCH.

Kaya says that she’s a lesbian. Ok, she’s pretty amazing. But it’s also very sad that she has to raise four children on her own :( No wonder she’s f-ing crazy.

I think about it all the time! About how my mom is crazy because we never had a nanny growing up. The fact that she raised three kids by herself made her crazy because we were nightmares. I love ya mom, but yer cray cray!

So verdict is Paige can dance, but she can’t do tricks. I really hope that this doesn’t severely mangle her foot forever.

So Abby makes Kaya come to LA even though Nini isn’t going to dance. This was clearly a producer decision because we all know Kaya is ready to blow at any moment.

KAYA PICKED UP A GAY VIBE FROM MELISSA! This is what we’ve been saying all along, thank you Kaya!

Mufasa is f-ing crazy. Get her off the show please. And that high voice? Yuck.

Seeing Abby dance for Nia finally makes it click. No wonder she’s such a freak about all the girls knowing their terms! It’s because she can’t show them how to do it!

Nia’s solo looks like it’s going to be awesome though.

So and So is getting old. Her one lines aren’t as good as they used to be.

Why the hell is Abby pitting Paige and Nini against each other? Poor Paige is in pain and I feel so bad for her :( Also, I feel bad for Nini because she’s getting played!

“I want Nini to take out Brokeback Brooke and Pegleg Paige …” This woman writes comedic gold.

When Abby loses her voice it makes me anxious and uncomfortable. Stop screaming! Also, drink some tea or some water or something.

Chloe’s Solo

Eh. It’s a little boring. Her costume is cool I guess? Her turns were cool? But what is with this song?

Nia’s Solo
I love Holly’s face whenever Nia dances. Also, Nia is adorable. Her attitude is my favorite! Also, that afro in the confessional was badass! I love Nia. TEAM NIA!

Mac’s Solo

What is with the continued close up of that one judge with the glasses? Also, MAC! Those crazy flip things that you did were awesome! But I’m kind of agreeing with Kaya. These girls don’t have much personality.

Abby is being a beyotch about this group number. I can’t believe she had both girls get into costumes and then dance it out against each other pretty much. This is so sad.

It’s nice that Abby gave both of them a chance to be in this batshit crazy dance …

Awards

Mac got third place! Yay. But I want to see her do something besides acro.

Nia got tenth place?! WTF. NIA WAS ROBBED.

Chlo got fifth?

I know why solos didn’t place high. It’s because Abby was so focused on the group routine, but it paid off because it got first place!

Kaya’s f-ing crazy. I actually hate it. I also love Holly, way to stand up for yourself!

This episode gets 2 out of 5 apples. Because even though Kaya is a cool addition, the episode was a little boring …

Posted at 11:38am and tagged with: mom, dance mom, kaya, maddie ziegler, mackenzie ziegler, chloe, nia, holly, kendall, jill, abby lee, abby lee miller, lifetime, dance moms, dance, competition, jazz, contemporary, candy apples,.

August 15th 2012

Dance Moms Recap Season 2, Ep 22 WEEK OF NIA!

5 notes |#

Hey guys! It’s me, Sue, here. First off: some news. Anna and I met up with our friend the hotel spy who was working while Abby and the Dance Moms stayed there. She said that Abby paid $200 for someone to come to her hotel room at the last minute for a blowdry on a Monday night. Two hundo? That shit cray! Ain’t she ever heard of Jean Louis David? Also, she said that the girls all wear extensions.

Abby puts Brooke on the bottom for being injured last week. That ain’t fair. NIA IS AT THE TOP!!!! We’ve been waiting two seasons for this!

Anna here, I’ve been having a shitty week and the fact that Nia is finally on top of the pyramid means that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK! YGG! Also, I’ve decided to take this moment to dedicate our post to Nia pics and gifs. WE LOVE YOU!

Wait. In Chrisit’s confessional—does she have a tooth missing? There’s a huge black gap in her mouth, has she had this all this time? What a piece of white trash!! She prob banged it out with a wine glass.

The group number sounds weird. Some stuff about fitting in. Abby should have a talk show: “Deep Thoughts With Abby Lee Miller.” More like deep vagina. I bet it’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway in there. Ew, I’m grossing myself out. Didn’t someone once say Abby was a virgin anyway?

OMG THE DANCE IS CALLED TAKEN! I was almost taken when I went to Spain. I kept tweeting at Liam Neeson though to let him know I was ok.

Also, Melissa has got to be pregnant. Or she has a giant belly tumor. That’s actually a thing though, this girl I know had a tumor in her stomach, everyone just thought she was weirdly fat, then she got it removed and was super sexy. Weird, right??

The moms are bitching about the group dance and start yelling so loud that the girls start hearing them from their treehouse in the sky. Has anyone seen the Timothy Green movie yet? Anna and I went to see The Queen of Versailles this weekend. It was good but kinda sad and I was kinda not impressed by the story arch. Just depressed the whole time.

Anyway, Christi calls Melissa out for having an affair with her married boss (DRAMA!) and Melissa says, “Fuck you,” calls her a bitch, and leaves. YGG! Shit is getting real this season. I feel terrible for her children :(

ALSO, Holly has Michelle Obama arms. WE LIKEY!

Melissa and her girls don’t show up the next day and Abby starts crying big ol tears. We cut to Candy Apple’s, where Cathy has brought back Mitchell & Michael, The M&M choreographers who did that racist Asian shit last time. Why the hell does Cathy hire choreographers to choreograph her own studio? Why does she have her own dance studio again? I’m confused.

I really need to brush my teeth. It’s like they’re wearing tiny wool sweaters.

Sue, that made me laugh so hard. But eww, gross. I floss every day sometimes twice a day I get really weird about my teeth. I blame it on my ex-boyfriend.

Candy Ap’s boys are doing a duet. Weird. They are pretending Jill’s face is on the table? I don’t understand …

Nia is something called the “Dance Captain” this week so she has to call Maddie and beg her to get her ass to rehearsal so Abby can feel complete. Nia is so smart, she is the only sane person on this show I think. When she said “I’m not her mom.” Girl is genius.

You guys been watching “Beverly Hills Nannies”? It’s really good. I’m going to LA next month and I’m scared everyone there is going to be like that. SUE DON’T GO! What am I going to do for a whole month? I miss you already :(

When Abby hears the Aps will be at the competition, she makes Maddie do a solo, even though she said she wasn’t initially. It’s so weird that Abby is actually scared of them. I wonder what size her boobs are? I watched “Strange Sex” on TLC today and the woman had the biggest breasts in the world and they were size 102 ZZZ! And she was so happy and accepting of her body. I wish I could be more body accepting like that.

I know me too Sue! Guys, we are both trying to start working out more. Yesterday I took an insane spin class that left me paralyzed for the rest of the night. For real, I am so sore. I need to start going to the gym more often, how’s insanity treatin ya Sue?

Melissa refuses to let Maddie do the solo since it’s the night before the competition and she hasn’t had time to practice.

Abby suspects Justice’s duet partner, DRAZEN, is a wringer and not really a Candy Ap. DRAZEN? Ugh, go to hell. Did you watch Louie this week? One of the kids was named NEVER. And then he took a shit in the bathtub. It was brilliant.

Chloe’s solo is dark and goth and gorgeous. I love it. It’s probably my favorite of all her solos. Justice needs to get a haircut, that’s for sure. He looks like a Lost Boy. It’s a cute dance though. Honestly, are we in Titantic? So dramatic. Also, that dance blew, not artistic at all. It looked like the dance people go when they make fun of musical theater kids in high school.

Yo, wtf is with the bonnets in the group number? That’s some 19 Kids and Counting shit. It’s a gorgeous dance though… Eh, Sue I thought it was weird.

Cathy stops the Candy App’s group number before they begin it because she’s ridic. What do you think about maxi dresses? I’ve always thought I was too short for them but maybe I should try one. Sue, you know I love a good maxi. But I have so much junk in the trunk that sometimes the guy on the corner (Floppy’s friend) screams profanities … Anyway, the Candy Aps have a fine group number. The costumes are snoozefingers. I love when they cut to reaction shots of Abby breathing through her mouth. Homegirl totally sleeps with one of those sleep apnea machines. Right??

OMG. Chloe loses to Justice by a tenth of a point. IS THERE NO HUMANITY IN THIS WORLD? The Candy App’s group number gets third and Abby gets first, even though they look like Sister Wives with those bonnets.

Abby is so weird and competitive in the green room. What the hell is her problem? It’s creepy. She just walked in and started being terrible to everyone. Wow, I’ve never been so embarrassed for another human being like this.

The DRAZEN/JUSTICE duet is some Newsies weirdness, are they dancing to dubstep?? WTF. The Kendall/So and So duet is adorable. The girls beat them. GIRL POWER! It’s all bc Justice was too busy smirking. Also, Mackenzie’s face at the end of the dance is PRICELESS!

Abby says, “Two out of three. I didn’t get my clean sweep. We can blame Chloe for that.” What a cunt. That is honestly so emotionally abusive. Chloe is going to be severely damaged for the rest of her life— so sad!

Melissa and Cathy Candy Apps start a remarkable fight in the green room. So great.

This episode gets three out of five candy apples. More Holly and Nia please though!!

Posted at 9:23am and tagged with: DANCE MOMS, LIFETIME, abby lee, abby lee miller, maddie, dance, chloe, nia, mackenzie, brooke, paige, hyland, melissa, holly, kelly,.

August 8th 2012

Dance Moms Recap Season 2, Episode 21

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I’m back from Spain!! Hello everybody! I’m fatter and tanner than ever! I missed Sue and I can’t wait to give her the nutella I brought her tomorrow… I housed an entire jar in two days. I’m starting a juice cleanse tomorrow. Nobody thinks I can do it …

Hi! Sue here. Okay, Anna didn’t get fat at all! ALSO: I totally think she can do a juice cleanse because she’s a SBW!

I wonder if she missed these bitches while she was in Thpain?

Answer: YES! But mostly Nia and Mac.

Woah. Paige and Kelly are at the doctor’s and Abby’s freaking that they’re missing the pyramid. Also, I love how Christi has become the “Jim” of Dance Moms. The camera just loves zooming in on her rolling her eyes whenever Abby speaks. Comedic relief.

Who the hell just said “yes!” when Abby announced they were going to Philly? A cream cheese lover, clearly. Philly is about as exciting as rice cakes, sheesh.

Bottom of the pyramid—Paige. Sad. She can’t help her ankle injury! She was just trying to do tricks!

Mac and Chlo are also on the bottom? What is going on in the world? NOT FAIR. DON’T MAKE ME GET CHRISSY CROCKER ON YOU.

Nia should be on top this week. She WERKED.

Boring Maddie is on top, obvs.

Mac (So and So, I’ve decided to call her Mac this week) has her own solo, I love it! She’s kinda outgrown the So and So moniker, anyway, because she’s way more memorable than she used to be.

Brooke gets a solo about Anne Frank (who she doesn’t know about bc homegirl don’t go to school!) and I straight up LAUGHED OUT LOUD. OUT LOUD. Abby hates Brooke so bad.

This is Anne Frank: LEARN.

Chlo and Paige finally get the duet they’ve been begging for … the week Paige breaks her ankle. Why you gotta be such a B Abby???

Abby has the girls do more ballet for ONCE in her life and I don’t know if you can hear it but it sounds like they’re going to be dancing to that cute “Alouette” song from the target commercials! I love it so much! When I hear it I pretend I’m Amelie and bounce around like I’m wearing yellow rain boots. My friend just named her daughter Amelie. Adorbs.

Poor Paige she looks so sad in that boot! I can’t believe that Abby is making her stay and do her homework, what is this gym class? Remember when the teachers used to make you sit and watch if you had an injury? I always made up injuries so I could sit out. I’ve never broken a bone, and I always fantasized about having a cast. But then once this kid in my class had one and it got real smelly. OMG, ANNA! Me too! I ALWAYS wished I had a cast for everyone to sign. But when they started making them with the tape instead of the plaster, they were harder to sign and it wasn’t as chic.

Anyway, Abby reacts to the news that Paige can’t dance for 4-6 weeks like she’s just heard the Titanic has no food. Bleak.

Hahahaha Christi makes a joke about Abby being fat. I love it whenever that happens because it’s just SO TABOO.

Mufasa and Simba are using Paige’s injury as a way to get into the group. That’s messed up! Even Simba is on board with Mufasa’s plan!! She’s not a lion, she’s a goddamn hyena, about to eat anyone in her path without discernment. Hyenas are like goats. They’d eat a tin can if it was just laying around.

Also, is Christi wasted today? Also, I love their PA accents! “Oh my gawwwlddd!”

Wahh wahh another fight. Sorry I stopped paying attention for a bit to go on Facebook and look at Sue’s super cute instagrams. She’s cute.

This is us with our friend Andy.

Aw, thanks :) I stopped watching for a second to go on HelloGiggles.

Maddie has to leave to go be famous blah blah blah. Who even watches “Drop Dead Diva”?

Kelly asks everyone who Anne Frank is. Doesn’t anyone understand anything? The Diary of Anne Frank is one of the best books I’ve ever read. I’m not being sarcastic at all. Has anyone been to the museum in Amsterdam? It’s amazing. For real. Kelly, pick up a goddamned book and learn about World War II. You are an ADULT WOMAN, for shit’s sakes.

Also, Mac. You have such great candid moments in your confessionals, what is the BS about how “You know I love it” regarding her solo?? So fake. I hate it. I want another “I just want to stay at home and eat chips,” moment PLEASE.

Ugh more fighting with Mufasa. Sometimes these ladies just speak so high pitched that my head hurts and I just gotta eat a Skinny Cow.

Abby auditions people to be in Chloe’s duet. You know Mufasa is just sitting in the upstairs, licking her chops. I really wish I could enact physical violent on Mufasa. Sometimes I just want to punch people.

Dr. Holly’s pissed that Abby won’t put Nia in the duet. Dr. Holls tells Fabby (does that work?) that she looks foolish and belligerent. It’s pretty great.

Brooke needs to stop dancing and rest like her doctor said she should. Kelly briefly mentions that the doctor said Brooke should rest—why on Earth wouldn’t you take your daughter out to rest then? I blame Kelly just as much as I blame Abby. Poor Brooke needs her rest!! LET HER SING! Guys, how great is that song?? Summeeerrrr funnnnnn!!

Woah, Maddie’s is an actual actor! She is also Natalie Portman-ing it from Black Swan about always wanting to be perfect … bitch be CRAY.

I cannot believe Simba got to be in the duet with Chlo. Barf.

Abby was super cute asking Maddie about her acting. It made me happy. Also, Maddie looks f-ing exhausted. The girl has been working her ass off. I can’t believe she was running her Abby Lee dances when she was on set! Somebody get that girl a nap!! It’s not the one day of missing rehearsal that’s messing her up, it’s the lack of sleep!!

Maddie was practicing her solo while she was doing the Drop Dead Diva shoot. (I just typed dong, haha.) She’s a machine. Who does she think she is, me? Maybe I’m competitive with her? God I’m the worst.

First of all, those French costumes are adorbs! But what is with the techno version of “Alouette”? All the judges love it and are acting like it’s Brooke’s new song or something. IT’S NOT AS GOOD! When are they going to do a dance to Brooke’s song??

OOOOOHHHH ABBY SPEAKS FRANCH! Screw you Abbs.

First Place! What else is new. Yawn.

Did Abby seriously just tell Brooke to use her back pain for the dance? She needs to rest!! Kelly, be a good mother and let her rest!

Mac looks beyond adorbs. Maddie also looks like such a proud older sister watching her. It makes me miss my little sister :(

Mufasa is such a POS. The second Kelly has a moment of clarity and decides to pull Brooke out, Mufasa says that she wishes she did it earlier. And now Abby is giving them crap?? Why doesn’t anybody understand how important your back is?!?!?! People need their backs Abby!! Brooke’s costume is really pretty :) Love you!

Maddie’s solo was ok. But ever since that episode with Nia a couple weeks ago, front aerials terrify me!

WTF is with Chlo and Simba’s outfits? Weird fupa short action. Also, this song reminds me of something a lez would listen to at college in the 90’s. AKA Abbs.

Awards awards, everyone always gets first place—I’m so over it!

Hmmmm Brooke just skipped in after winning the awards … her back seems fine … I don’t know what to believe!

Woah. Shit just went crazy. These moms are crazy bitches. Poor Chlo just ran out crying. That just made me cry! For once I understand where Christi is coming from, even though I might not agree how she went about it …CHRISTI JUST CALLED ABBY A VIRGIN!!!! YES!

WOAH CATHY IS IN THE PREVIEWS FOR NEXT WEEK ALONG WITH JUSTICE!

Ok, this ep gets 3 out of 5 candy apples, besides the outburst at the end it was pretty boring …

Posted at 8:56am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, dance, moms, crazy, bitches, brooke hyland, paige hyland, zeigler, maddie, nia, abby lee, abby lee miller,.

March 14th 2012

Season 2, Episode 10 Recap

4 notes |#

Miami Heat!

Abby, of course, tells the girls what pieces of shit they are for losing last week. UGH ABBY! Also, Brooke is really developing! I totally just sounded like my mustachioed Uncle Pete.

Pyramid

First off, those side braids are KILLING IT! How is Nia at the bottom? She OWNED last week! Also, So and So is turning into such a little grown up. Nodding along to Abby? I love her so much, but why the hell is she on the bottom?! Unacceptable. Nia, Paige, and So and So are our favorites so wtf is with them being on the bottom? Also, kudos to Nia for accepting the fact that she’s a little girl and not wearing full make up.

Abby tells them that they are going to Miami and that Miami is full of pool boys. WTF Abby? Please get with a pool boy. Please. Abby, no one has any idea who Annette Fettuccine is, okay?

Abby says that the girls are going to be in teeny weeny bikinis again … Abbs I’m starting to think you’re a bit of a peeeeedo. (Like my Uncle Pete.) Also, Paige WTF is with the warts? Gross. You’re too pretty for warts. Bitch can’t walk because she has tons of warts ewwwwww. Guess those million dollar floors don’t protect from no warts. I bet she got them shits from the floor. It that the same as foot fungus?

Candy Apple’s!

Cathy is SAVING this show because she is just such a fucking drag queen. Cathy is teaching Simba what she already knows and pretending she came up with is. How the hell is Candy Apple’s still in business? (SUE: Ugh, that fucking apostrophe!!!)

Apparently in Florida every kid dances and every kid is amazing. Abby you say this about EVERY town.

Dr. Holly more like Dr. Bitch! Jk, we love you Holls. Actually I’m glad she’s finally standing up for herself.

First off, Holly is looking super hawt. Right? She is def the best dressed mom. The classiest, that’s for sure. OMG when the hell will Abby get some freaking tea? BITCH HAS NODES! Or a throat lozenge? IS EVERYONE IN PENNSYLVANIA PERMANENTLY SICK?!?! All of the coal mines and oil refineries.

Wait, I sort of think that Abby is jealous of Holly. All these principal analogies and stuff.

WAIT. The doctor has LEFT THE BUILDING. Holly is gone for good? No! Another one bites the dust. What happens when Abby’s whole studio goes Candy Apple’s?

Ok, whoever is in charge of scoring this show is amazing. And also, did you work on the movie “Casper” from 1995?

You guys miss early CGI?!

Farty Warty

Why the hell does a little girl have debilitating warts? And why are we watching her get them removed? That’s like when I was watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta last weekend and they showed Phaedra learning how to embalm a cadaver. THAT IS A LINE! That should not be on television! Also, why isn’t Kelly wearing those protective glasses that everyone else is wearing?

Maddie’s solo looks like it’s going to be beautiful. Wait, I just complemented her by accident because I thought she was So and So. Does dance stunt your growth like wrestling does? Yes! Figure skating and gymnastics do, too. And wrestling just gives you that fucked up ear, right? Maddie looks tiny.

Note: Anna and I are writing this simultaneously in Google Docs and it’s some real Doogie Howser shit!!! Or Ghostwriter. Do you guys remember that show? I’m so old!!!

Both Chloe and Maddie’s solos look BLAH. Give me something new please. Sorry ya’ll, my boyfriend’s at work so he can’t give commentary. Story of my life. I’m a latch-key kid.

Also, has anyone noticed that all the commercials for this are for birth control and cleaning supplies? WORD UP! That’s all women are interested in. Show us your nugget face? WEED! But on the real: it’s awesome that Ellen is endorsing Cover Girl now.

Guess who’s back? Back again? Holly’s back! Way to take the high road! Tell a friend! (but if you’re anything like me your only friend is on the other side of this Google Doc, hiya Sue! Hey Anna!!!)

Why is So and So always doing random shit in the back for every group number? Is she going to be stuck in a box again?

Nia’s solo looks awesome. Love the reggaeton, reminds me of my roots. Nice to know where ya came from right? JK I’m white. I carry a Tory Burch bag. (full of tacos. and blunts.)

Beach Party!

Wait, can we just talk about Brooke and Paige’s airbrushed suitcases? Just. Wow. I can’t.

So, Abby has to take the girls to the beach while the moms get drunk. Is Abby a babysitter? Oh wait, nvm she’s making them do push ups. Ummmm can we just all agree that So and So has a killer tan? Chlo learn something from the young one! Also, Pinky, Chloe’s roots are ridic. Chlo needs a dye job, stat.

Sometimes Abby just sounds like the Charlie Brown teacher. Who has an army of child dance slaves.

OMFG THEY ALMOST LOST SO AND SO. Oh god, her teeth are growing in and they’re adorable!

“How are your feet?” “They’re okay. They just hurt when I walk.” Dude! They’re NOT OKAY! Don’t dance. That’s one of my pet peeves: when people say they’re okay and they’re not! Just say you’re not okay! It’s okay! Yeah, sometimes it’s ok to cry! Sue taught me that today when I cried for her in Starbucks. It was romantic. Intimate.

I take back my comment on the ads, they are also advertising dog food. THEY REALLY KNOW THEIR AUDIENCE! Like, there are pets in every commercial. You know, there was this woman in her 50s in my agent’s office the other day and she said the only commercials she gets sent in to audition for are Depends and Cialis. That’s what we have to look forward to!

Simba is dancing for the Harlem Globetrotters in some skank ass NASCAR outfit. What the hell is happening? She looks like a ho fo sho and it’s upsetting. Mufasa, we’re not in Reno! Also, this is a great song but the dance is SO BORING.

Mufasa wants her cub to wear a jerky dress so bad. She’ll do ANYTHING.

Also, can we just discuss that the Globetrotters are wearing the goofiest uniforms ever? They seem like cool dudes. Let’s get drinks, guys. I’d totes be into that.

WTF another competition on a gymnasium floor? Maddie watch yo self!

Trio

What is this music? Also, there are like 2 people in the audience, haha. Gym floors are so low budge.

Ummm I want to see more of the teenage Asian girl group that was super emo. I hate it when they tease us with those clips!

Group Number

This would have looked so cool on a real stage! Are all the girls wearing bronzer? Which one is Nia?! Also, what was that stripper move that So and So just pulled out at the end? Seriously this is jarring. AGAIN, WHERE IS THE LINE?

THIRD PLACE?! I mean, I get it. Florida people don’t want to see beach stuff, probs. NYC people don’t want to see WTC stuff all the time. Too soon?

SECOND PLACE?! Ugh there is a huge fly in my apartment. It sounds like Abby.

Solo time!

I’m seriously freaking out. I hope Maddie doesn’t fall again. This music is totally weird. It’s like a Benjamin Buttons Celine Dion is singing. Also this was by far the most boring solo ever.

Chlo’s is way better!!!! Holy shit!!! People are going nuts in the audience!! But why does she always have to do the dark stuff? Not that I mind. My heart belongs to Hot Topic.

Nia looks adorbs. Love it. Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!! OH NO OH NO. I JUST GASPED ALOUD. Commercial break. So suspenseful.

Ummm Sue? Dance Moms Miami premieres April 3. We’re going to juice** for this right? HAHAHAHHA TOTALLY we need to get skinny for it!

**Sue and I are super into fresh pressed juices because we’re the worst.

Anna: Omg I’m so sad for Nia this is the saddest thing ever I wish I could go into the television and give her a big hug. Poor So and So is crying! This is so sad! Sue, I’m about to hop on the train to BK just to give you a big hug!!!

Sue: I’m crying! I wish we were together right now!

Anna: People, this is a moment.

Dr. Holly is so good at talking her down! Oh god, Abby is walking in the room. She is just going to freak her out! Okay, second chance. YGG! YGG! And she kills it :)

THIRD PLACE! Nia you’re the shit. Love you girl. I’m still crying.

HOW THE EFF IS CHLO SECOND PLACE TO MADDIE’S FIRST? Chlo was way better. The world is so full of injustices!

We give this one 2 Candy Apple’s— not enough Cathy!

And where the eff was Vivi this whole time? Or Jerky Tommy? He’s a character now whether he likes it or not.

Posted at 1:47am and tagged with: dance moms, recap, lifetime, candy apples, nia, simba,.

March 14th 2012

29 notes |#

Remember when Abby tried to teach Nia how to be black? Silly Abby! Nia’s white!!!

Except for when she’s dancing with Laquisha or Latifa or Ladawndaurdurdur … too much?

Posted at 12:30am and tagged with: dance moms, lifetime, nia, abby,.

Remember when Abby tried to teach Nia how to be black? Silly Abby! Nia’s white!!!
Except for when she’s dancing with Laquisha or Latifa or Ladawndaurdurdur … too much?